It’s been almost one year since DDay 1 on February 4th, 2019. This is a synopsis for those that do not know my story.
How I betrayed my husband:
-I carried on multiple emotional affairs while dating, engaged and married
-I had poor to no boundaries continuing to have what I called inappropriate communications (flirting and even sexting with leading on) with old F-buddies
-I introduced BH to one F buddy and never told him who I had a sexual history with so he never knew if someone was a guy I had once had sex with before I met him
-I introduced BH to one of the AP’s I had PA/EA with and didn’t tell him who he was
-I didn’t acknowledge BH’s grand and romantic gestures while courting for what they were. I made him feel like shit
-I forced BH to go along with my request that we follow religious “protocol” and not touch each other until married. I didn’t touch him ONCE- not when I lost my job on my birthday, not when he planned a very expensive and romantic date, not when he masterfully planned a magnificent proposal that he put so much thought and attention to every detail to make me the happiest woman - I wouldn’t touch or kiss him or hold his hand in the limo even while it was just the two of us. Nor when my grandfather died a month later and not when he begged and asked if we could break the rules just a little- I held fast and strong all the meanwhile carrying on a PA and multiple EA’s- having sex 3 times with one AP during that time frame, had drinks and sex with a second AP (details with that AP are still not all clear at this time.)I met and went out for drinks with at least two old F-buddies a month into dating during a tumultuous time that I should have only turned to my BH for and instead I hugged these guys and any guy without a problem while I had still never hugged my own boyfriend.
-I started and initiated PA with second AP after BH and I knew we would be getting married. I reached out to him, went out for drinks with him, we kissed outside of my car in the parking lot after drinks and when he wanted to have sex that night I had my period. Instead of taking it as a bullet dodged I asked if we could meet a few nights later...the night that I went to visit BH’s family home for the first time and look at engagement ring settings. I had a second opportunity to dodge that PA as I was running late and AP said he couldn’t wait for me. I begged him and rushed over so I could have the PA. I told BH that I kissed him in the elevator at work after we were engaged. I couldn’t remember actually kissing him but I do remember that there was something in that elevator even if it was an almost kiss or planning to meet in the parking lot. Physical encounters after that with him are mot remembered and it’s another thing that BH and even myself will never really know.
-I controlled and manipulated my BH while dating, engaged and married by withholding affection, attention and sex
-I told BH that he had the problems that needed to be fixed in order for me to be happy but never made any efforts or attempts to change myself and my ways
- I used repelling behaviors, such as criticism, passive-aggression, viciousness and coldness to put up a wall and shut him out thereby making him feel guilty, inferior rejected throughout our entire relationship .
-I made my BH believe he was smothering, clingy, and needy and that his demonstrations of love were unwanted and never returned.
-almost never initiated sex/flirting/sexts with BH and made him feel I didn’t want him or desire him. Made him feel like sex was a chore or obligation from the very beginning.
-I continued the EA with first AP and made multiple plans to meet up with him mere weeks after our honeymoon and right before our first wedding anniversary. I would back out at the last minute.
-I had sex with this first AP 3 days after our first wedding anniversary. This is the only time able to be confirmed with AP when BH confronted him 6 months after DDAY 1. I took and passed a poly, however, due to my difficulty with my memory and no other texts/google history/phone records to confirm otherwise this is something we both cannot say definitively only happened once.
-I lied to my BH telling him I never watched porn or used a vibrator all while I did and made him feel guilty for his own porn viewing and frequency of masturbation. He didn’t even know I had a vibrator until at least months after we were married and I accidentally left it out charging. He did not know I watched porn or read hardcore erotica until he accidentally discovered it a month or so before DDay.
-I denied BH many sex acts I had done with AP’s and old F buddies but wouldn’t try with BH prior to dday.
-I lied to my BH saying that I never made a sex video and I didn’t sext/send pics with anyone ever. He found 3 videos I had made with AP 1 before I had met BH and dozens upon dozens of pics sent to and from AP’s and F-buddies but never with BH
How I continued to betray my BH after dday and what I’ve done wrong over the last year:
-I TT’d andput my BH through multiple ddays
-I gaslighted, got defensive and occasionally even offensive
-I minimized details of the A’s and the impact they had to BH.
-I lied outright and knowingly (for an entire month of being asked daily) about having contracted AP 1 immediately after first dday to warn him
-I forced BH to have to do the detective work to uncover all info leading up to subsequent ddays due to my avoidance and comfortability when A not brought up by him
-I subjected BH to endless mindmovies due to inability to provide details he needs
-I tried to control BH and the outcome for many months post dday and to a degree I still do
-I have not yet fully completed any of the 3 timelines he has requested that I write.
-I lacked authenticity in my actions
-I forced BH to spell out multiple times what he said he needed from me and haven’t met his needs or demonstrated productive R work without getting BH to a breaking point to light a fire under my ass.
-I haven’t given my absolute all this year to BH or shown 100% effort in my recovery work. I continue to shut off and shut down when scared or intimidated and overwhelmed by what is required of my now.
For those that don’t know my story or for
those that want a refresher this is it. Years after the affairs took place I repressed almost all memories related to the A’s. I revised my memories over time so that they took place prior to BH being in my life. I did not forget having had sex with these people in my lifetime.
I knowingly lied to BH all of those years while it was going on and for months/years before I could no longer remember that it happened at all. Now that BH has found out and requires all of these details I can no longer rely on my memories and have been unable to give him the information he needs in the times he needs them leading to him losing himself in detective mode and subjecting him to trickle truths and multiple ddays.
I’m coming back now so I can try again to use this forum again to learn from the wealth of wisdom and experiences of those before me and alongside me. I’ve learned a lot about myself over the last few months and done much work to learn about myself and my whys but I believe that is for another post.
[This message edited by Change4thebetter at 6:46 PM, February 1st, 2020 (Saturday)]