"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Change4thebetter posted 1/31/2020 14:51 PM

It’s been almost one year since DDay 1 on February 4th, 2019. This is a synopsis for those that do not know my story.

How I betrayed my husband:
-I carried on multiple emotional affairs while dating, engaged and married

-I had poor to no boundaries continuing to have what I called inappropriate communications (flirting and even sexting with leading on) with old F-buddies

-I introduced BH to one F buddy and never told him who I had a sexual history with so he never knew if someone was a guy I had once had sex with before I met him

-I introduced BH to one of the AP’s I had PA/EA with and didn’t tell him who he was

-I didn’t acknowledge BH’s grand and romantic gestures while courting for what they were. I made him feel like shit

-I forced BH to go along with my request that we follow religious “protocol” and not touch each other until married. I didn’t touch him ONCE- not when I lost my job on my birthday, not when he planned a very expensive and romantic date, not when he masterfully planned a magnificent proposal that he put so much thought and attention to every detail to make me the happiest woman - I wouldn’t touch or kiss him or hold his hand in the limo even while it was just the two of us. Nor when my grandfather died a month later and not when he begged and asked if we could break the rules just a little- I held fast and strong all the meanwhile carrying on a PA and multiple EA’s- having sex 3 times with one AP during that time frame, had drinks and sex with a second AP (details with that AP are still not all clear at this time.)I met and went out for drinks with at least two old F-buddies a month into dating during a tumultuous time that I should have only turned to my BH for and instead I hugged these guys and any guy without a problem while I had still never hugged my own boyfriend.

-I started and initiated PA with second AP after BH and I knew we would be getting married. I reached out to him, went out for drinks with him, we kissed outside of my car in the parking lot after drinks and when he wanted to have sex that night I had my period. Instead of taking it as a bullet dodged I asked if we could meet a few nights later...the night that I went to visit BH’s family home for the first time and look at engagement ring settings. I had a second opportunity to dodge that PA as I was running late and AP said he couldn’t wait for me. I begged him and rushed over so I could have the PA. I told BH that I kissed him in the elevator at work after we were engaged. I couldn’t remember actually kissing him but I do remember that there was something in that elevator even if it was an almost kiss or planning to meet in the parking lot. Physical encounters after that with him are mot remembered and it’s another thing that BH and even myself will never really know.

-I controlled and manipulated my BH while dating, engaged and married by withholding affection, attention and sex

-I told BH that he had the problems that needed to be fixed in order for me to be happy but never made any efforts or attempts to change myself and my ways

- I used repelling behaviors, such as criticism, passive-aggression, viciousness and coldness to put up a wall and shut him out thereby making him feel guilty, inferior rejected throughout our entire relationship .

-I made my BH believe he was smothering, clingy, and needy and that his demonstrations of love were unwanted and never returned.

-almost never initiated sex/flirting/sexts with BH and made him feel I didn’t want him or desire him. Made him feel like sex was a chore or obligation from the very beginning.

-I continued the EA with first AP and made multiple plans to meet up with him mere weeks after our honeymoon and right before our first wedding anniversary. I would back out at the last minute.

-I had sex with this first AP 3 days after our first wedding anniversary. This is the only time able to be confirmed with AP when BH confronted him 6 months after DDAY 1. I took and passed a poly, however, due to my difficulty with my memory and no other texts/google history/phone records to confirm otherwise this is something we both cannot say definitively only happened once.

-I lied to my BH telling him I never watched porn or used a vibrator all while I did and made him feel guilty for his own porn viewing and frequency of masturbation. He didn’t even know I had a vibrator until at least months after we were married and I accidentally left it out charging. He did not know I watched porn or read hardcore erotica until he accidentally discovered it a month or so before DDay.

-I denied BH many sex acts I had done with AP’s and old F buddies but wouldn’t try with BH prior to dday.

-I lied to my BH saying that I never made a sex video and I didn’t sext/send pics with anyone ever. He found 3 videos I had made with AP 1 before I had met BH and dozens upon dozens of pics sent to and from AP’s and F-buddies but never with BH

How I continued to betray my BH after dday and what I’ve done wrong over the last year:

-I TT’d andput my BH through multiple ddays

-I gaslighted, got defensive and occasionally even offensive

-I minimized details of the A’s and the impact they had to BH.

-I lied outright and knowingly (for an entire month of being asked daily) about having contracted AP 1 immediately after first dday to warn him

-I forced BH to have to do the detective work to uncover all info leading up to subsequent ddays due to my avoidance and comfortability when A not brought up by him

-I subjected BH to endless mindmovies due to inability to provide details he needs

-I tried to control BH and the outcome for many months post dday and to a degree I still do

-I have not yet fully completed any of the 3 timelines he has requested that I write.

-I lacked authenticity in my actions

-I forced BH to spell out multiple times what he said he needed from me and haven’t met his needs or demonstrated productive R work without getting BH to a breaking point to light a fire under my ass.

-I haven’t given my absolute all this year to BH or shown 100% effort in my recovery work. I continue to shut off and shut down when scared or intimidated and overwhelmed by what is required of my now.

For those that don’t know my story or for
those that want a refresher this is it. Years after the affairs took place I repressed almost all memories related to the A’s. I revised my memories over time so that they took place prior to BH being in my life. I did not forget having had sex with these people in my lifetime.

I knowingly lied to BH all of those years while it was going on and for months/years before I could no longer remember that it happened at all. Now that BH has found out and requires all of these details I can no longer rely on my memories and have been unable to give him the information he needs in the times he needs them leading to him losing himself in detective mode and subjecting him to trickle truths and multiple ddays.

I’m coming back now so I can try again to use this forum again to learn from the wealth of wisdom and experiences of those before me and alongside me. I’ve learned a lot about myself over the last few months and done much work to learn about myself and my whys but I believe that is for another post.

[This message edited by Change4thebetter at 6:46 PM, February 1st, 2020 (Saturday)]

RocketRaccoon posted 1/31/2020 20:10 PM

Hey Change,

Good to see that you are realizing what you did, and to a certain extent, 'owning' it.

Just an observation of your post.

It looked like you either had a deep seated hatred for your BH initially, and wanted to humiliate him (consciously or unconsciously, I don't know).

The actions you took looks like you wanted to dominate him, a pet of sorts. One that you could toy with.

Another possible scenario is that you wanted to be the Madonna in the M, but the whore in the other life (i.e. the Madonna/Whore complex). You did not want to let go of the sexual freedom you had when you were single, and still remain in a M where the fantasy of the perfect religious family exists. Cake eating at its best.

The memories you have repressed is complicating matters a whole lot, and releasing them may be the key to finding peace for both of you.

Are you afraid that your memories will utterly destroy SD, hence you are keeping yourself from remembering them?

Don't know how effective it is, but hypnosis by a qualified therapist might be able to help.

I do hope you and SD find peace, as the posts from both of you are so tormented, and it is quite heartbreaking.

[This message edited by RocketRaccoon at 8:14 PM, January 31st (Friday)]

Lostallalone posted 1/31/2020 20:32 PM

This just makes me sad. Thru this entire post you said nothing about regret or what you intend to do to help your BH. To read his posts he defends you alot. What are you wanting us to tell you. I'm a madhatter but my resume is nothing compared to yours.

Change4thebetter posted 2/1/2020 19:37 PM

The actions you took looks like you wanted to dominate him, a pet of sorts. One that you could toy with.

Another possible scenario is that you wanted to be the Madonna in the M, but the whore in the other life (i.e. the Madonna/Whore complex). You did not want to let go of the sexual freedom you had when you were single, and still remain in a M where the fantasy of the perfect religious family exists. Cake eating at its best.

I can say that from the time I first met my BH I felt superior to him. I felt untouchable. Up until dday I had never suffered consequences for my actions. I have always gotten my way or at least I felt like I did.

From the day I met BH I never held back from telling him what he needed to change about himself from how he dressed, talked, walked- to later on so very much more while he would only tell me how perfect I was. I told him he had to just deal with my bullshit but I refused to put up with his- all the whole carrying on my A’s as if they didn’t affect him and were none of his business.

I am not here to paint a pretty picture but I am now seeing how I acted with a whole new set of eyes and yes, I’m disgusted with myself bc all that time I thought I was a wonderful and moral person.

The memories you have repressed is complicating matters a whole lot, and releasing them may be the key to finding peace for both of you.

Are you afraid that your memories will utterly destroy SD, hence you are keeping yourself from remembering them?

Don't know how effective it is, but hypnosis by a qualified therapist might be able to help.

My research brought me to learn that I have an avoidant personality style and likely disorder although I haven’t been in IC recently so it’s not an official diagnosis. Insecure attachment types, avoidant attachment, childhood emotional neglect, etc- I’ve been learning a lot about myself whereas prior to dday and even up until a few months ago I was in absolute denial that there is anything wrong with me at all. We believe and our IC’s and MC agree that my memory repression is related to this.

I am open to hypnosis therapy but it’s something our IC’s and MC’s have been discouraging until now. It’s also not financially feasible at the moment but it is something that is in the table.

Lostallalone my post is a list of my regrets. There is nothing there that I am proud of and boasting about. I am laying it out there to take true ownership of my actions. I did these terrible things and I acted atrociously. For me to be able to state right here for all to see the long list and awfulness of my betrayals (yes, multiple as you can see) and not minimize, trying not to leave things out and not trying to make myself not look as bad as I am or like a victim- to my BH that is regret and remorse.

As for what I will do to help my BH- I will do what he asks and I will do it with 1000% effort on my part. He comes first. I did many things right and I did many things wrong but it’s what I did wrong that I need to own and learn from in order to not repeat..

[This message edited by Change4thebetter at 7:39 PM, February 1st, 2020 (Saturday)]

Lostallalone posted 2/1/2020 20:03 PM

Can you tell us what you learned in your IC to why. I really not trying to be mean. Please describe what was you doing. Was it to make him seem inferior. Why the rule of no touching while you went on to have sex with others? Was it a power trip? Did it give you a high? I want to see why you thought it was ok.

Change4thebetter posted 2/2/2020 08:14 AM

The intellectual part of me wanted to get married. The intellectual part of me knew I needed to date and I have watched enough movies to see how it’s done. The intellectual side of me knew that when I married I wanted to be religious so I wanted to do things the “right way” while dating.

I knew I would marry this man. In order to separate him from all the other flings and sexual partners I suggested we uphold the religious laws of no touching. I am aware this makes no sense. I’m aware how hurtful this was to BH. Back then, I was not.

“The following is a list of distancing or deactivating strategies used by a dismissive avoidant. I’m ashamed to say I did them all.

• Saying (or thinking) “I’m not ready to commit”—but staying together nonetheless, sometimes for years.

• Focusing on small imperfections in your partner: the way s/ he talks, dresses, eats, or (fill in the blank) and allowing it to get in the way of your romantic feelings.

• Pining after an ex-girlfriend/ boyfriend—( the “phantom ex”— more on this later).

• Flirting with others—a hurtful way to introduce insecurity into the relationship.

• Not saying “I love you”—while implying that you do have feelings toward the other person.

• Pulling away when things are going well (e.g., not calling for several days after an intimate date).

• Forming relationships with an impossible future, such as with someone who is married.

• “Checking out mentally” when your partner is talking to you.

• Keeping secrets and leaving things foggy—to maintain your feeling of independence.

• Avoiding physical closeness—e.g., not wanting to share the same bed, not wanting to have sex, walking several strides ahead of your partner.”

In addition, I continued my EA/PA with AP and went looking for a new AP.

What I’ve found and what described what I was doing- it was never about my BH. My BH was and is a wonderful person and never deserved to be treated as I treated him throughout our entire relationship. The closer he got the further I distanced and ran away as I was panicking. I did not know how to love or be loved and it scared me to the core.

MrsWalloped posted 2/2/2020 08:58 AM

Hi Change4thebetter.

It’s nice to see you back here.

Well, this is the most honest I’ve seen you be since you started posting here. I think while the lying and TT might be late from a relationship point of view, it’s never too late for your own personal growth. So I’m glad you’re finally being open. Please don’t hide anything else. I know you “know” this, but I think your BH is hanging on by a thread. There are no guarantees no matter what at this point so your only chance if you want it is to always be transparent and authentic.

Anyway, I think it’s wonderful that you were able to finally release it all and write all that down. It’s a lot. But more importantly, what now? What are your next steps? Personally think you need serious professional assistance. I’m not saying that to be mean. But I really think you need a medically trained professional to work with you. And you also need a very good professional to work with you and SaddestDad together if you both want to get through this.

What are your plans now? How are you working on yourself? How are you working on your relationship? Are you and your BH aligned or is he still reeling from the last DDay? What’s you plan? Even if your M doesn’t work out, you need to become a healthy person for yourself, your children and any future relationship you might have. So what’s next?

Change4thebetter posted 2/2/2020 09:17 AM

MrsWalloped thank you for your response.

The next step is professional help. It’s like webMD and seeing all these puzzle pieces fit together but now I need to heal from my childhood trauma and learn how to change my attachment style for my BH, my children and myself.

The last few weeks we have been back on the rollercoaster with the last dday, BH’s job situation and the first antiversary approaching. There are some days my BH is satisfied with my efforts and others far from it. Through it all I am at his side and do whatever it is he needs in the moment and try to anticipate his needs as well. I am not always successful but I always try. Running away or retreating into myself is not an option.

The last year I’ve focused on BH. In regards to my whys, until now I’ve admitted to being selfish but I didn’t go beyond that. There is so much work to be done for myself as well and I finally feel ready.

Justsomeguy posted 2/2/2020 11:19 AM

No stop sign, so I will post, something I almost never do on the wayward side. I've read through the list of things you created, I must agree that there is a lack of regret/remorse. It reads as clinicalor detached accounting of what you did, but lacks any of the emotion that one might expect. You mention you did X and it made your BH feel like Y. But that is it. You are counting on the reader to see the implied remorse there. Because you mentioned it, of course you feel shitty. The problem with this is that it could be equally, even probable that this is not true. I dont mean to be harsh, but it is as if you are leveraging the emotional thought patterns and behaviors of the healthy among us, against us. We feel remorse for our actions, so we naturally look for even the slightest hint of it in others, and when we don't see it, we manufacture it based on even the flimsiest indication that it could possibly be there. It reads like an attempt at making a huge list, so you can say, Right, I've come clean, Let's move on. My heart just breaks for Saddestdad...

ChamomileTea posted 2/2/2020 12:32 PM

Let me start by saying that I'm NOT a WS. I'm a BW in R for the last five years. So, I can't give you a WS perspective on what to do, only a BS perspective on what I've observed as a whole. And frankly, what I've observed is that it does no good for a WS to allow themselves to be swallowed up in their own shame spiral. Shame makes a WS more dangerous, not more safe. And yes, I do understand that when a person is genuinely remorseful, they tend self-castigate. But compassion is what's needed. Not only for your BH, but for YOU.

There's a difference between compassion and self-pity... and it's measured in hurt. Compassion doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt you and it doesn't hurt anyone else. Self-pity on the other hand whispers in your ear that you're a terrible person who can never overcome her faults. Both compassion and self-pity have voice. You can tell the difference because compassion acknowledges without judgment. It encourages without anger. It never demeans. So, first things first... tune into your self-talk and rid yourself of self-pity.

If memory serves, yours was an arranged marriage an you were a relatively young person at the time of the wedding. I'm NOT a psychologist, but as I read through your lists above, I end up wondering if there might have been some underlying resentment and acting out. Certainly, a young person whose prefrontal cortex isn't fully mature is more likely to make some reckless decisions in an "acting out" scenario. And maybe the pressure to marry wasn't coming from your BH, but it sure looks like he caught the brunt of it. Just a theory, of course, but maybe it's something to talk with your IC about??

In terms of improving R.... I'm going to say something which might not be terribly popular in the WS forum.. but.. R takes TWO. A WS can certainly play an out-sized role in creating a positive atmosphere for R to occur, but you can't "heal" anyone else but yourself. Both the WS and the BS have work to do, and neither can control the other as to how and when that work gets done. We can set the stage with compassion and honesty, but that works BOTH ways. A WS has to get to the bottom of their "whys" and they have to make internal changes in their character so that core beliefs and actions will always be aligned... and they have to learn to love and respect themselves again. But the BS's work is important too. We have to come to a place of acceptance that these things happened and we have to become strong enough in our sense of Self that we can tolerate vulnerability again without losing self-reliance. And just as WS do, we must relearn love and respect for ourselves. The Compassion/Self-Pity self-talk exercise isn't just for WS's. It's for BS's too.

It's hard to hear when you really WANT recovery, but not every marriage should be saved. When one or both partners can't arrive at acceptance and compassion, there's only misery ahead in terms of emotional fulfillment. You guys are still early days in terms of healing, but please do bear in mind that it really does take two.

Peace as you process.

Pippin posted 2/2/2020 14:02 PM

Change4theBetter, I'm glad you are back.

I know that figure out the "what" of what happened was much more complex for you than for most people and you're still working on it.

Have you made any progress with the whys? Most young women don't engage in the type of behavior you did without something fairly serious going on in the background.

Regarding your husband, I have a theory that you were both interested and attracted to him (you mentioned that before) but he also represented all the repressions you were railing against. Which is why you treated him so poorly and were not interested in knowing him as a person or loving him and letting him get close to you. Have you started to know him as a person, to appreciate and love him, and to let him get close to you?

sisoon posted 2/2/2020 16:38 PM

Are you still piecing your past together, or have you moved on to figuring out how you want to change? I don't ask that to pin you down - it's a genuine question that could help frame responses.

In any case, I think it's great that you're cataloguing what you've done, because that forms a basis of changing to be the person your want to be.

My prejudice is to think about how to do what I want to do (I mean that in the sense of 'living my values' and not in the sense of 'how can I satisfy my basest desires without negative consequences') rather than to identify or diagnose the obstacles. I think it's easier to do the next right things than to avoid doing wrong things. Fewer choices make it easier to decide, I think.

IOW, I think you may find it to be more effective to figure out how to attach the way you want to attach than to diagnose your attachment style. That's meant as a suggestion, not as a veiled criticism. You have to find your own path.

...they have to learn to love and respect themselves again

Ah ... true, but for some of us, WS & BS alike, there's no 'again' about it.

[This message edited by sisoon at 4:41 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)]

RocketRaccoon posted 2/3/2020 01:43 AM

I am open to hypnosis therapy but it’s something our IC’s and MC’s have been discouraging until now. It’s also not financially feasible at the moment but it is something that is in the table.

Any reason given by the MC/IC? Am just curious. I do understand that hypnotherapy can botch things up if not done by someone who is experienced.

Hypnosis can extract AND implant thoughts, so I can imagine that is a delicate 'procedure'.

Whatever the case, only do it if YOU feel that you are ready, and that your MC/IC agree to it.

Running away or retreating into myself is not an option.

A step in the right direction.

The last year I’ve focused on BH. In regards to my whys, until now I’ve admitted to being selfish but I didn’t go beyond that. There is so much work to be done for myself as well and I finally feel ready.

Good for you! Self-awareness and self-discovery is important to individual growth. This will manifest itself as empathy, which will help you and everyone around you on the long run. Just be careful that you do not over-do it, and become a 'pleaser'.

In one of your previous posts, it read like you were two separate people. The Wild-Child single, and the Conservative Spouse. Which is the 'real' you?

From your post, it sounds like you really did not want to get married in the first place. Your 'intellectual' side is possibly your 'cultural expectations' side. Correct me if I am wrong, but maybe you were feeling the years go by, and it was expected that you should get married when you hit a certain age? You then convinced yourself that this is what you 'must' do, but your Wild-Child was still running rampant.

The two personalities were at odds with each other, and therefore, got you into a shitty situation.

You have an unenviable task of sorting out the stuff you have.

ETA: Maybe you can find a way to be a good mix of the Wild-Child and Conservative Spouse....? You do not have to be at the very ends of the spectrum, and should be able to find a happy medium.

[This message edited by RocketRaccoon at 2:00 AM, February 3rd (Monday)]

anoldlion posted 2/3/2020 02:27 AM

I truly hope you reach the place in your life where you want to be. I am not going to judge or condemn you in any way because I have had to do many things (no cheating)in my life that I, as I get older, wish I had not had to do. I will say this. If your husband stays with you, you hold on to him for dear life because there are very, very few men that would still be with you. I lived and still live in a world of strong alpha males and I don't know of a single one that would still be with you. You have a husband that is one in a million. Cherish him because there is a 99.999% chance you'll never find another like him. I do wish you well.

ff4152 posted 2/3/2020 04:35 AM

C4TB

I have to ask, why are you with your husband? All of your actions pre/post marriage scream of contempt for this man. Aside from the canned answers most WS give, what is truly different in your soul that makes you want to be with this man? That you’ll be a good and safe partner going forward? That you’re not waiting until the dust settles only to do this at some point down the road?

[This message edited by ff4152 at 7:27 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

Thumos posted 2/3/2020 08:43 AM

I have ask, why are you with you husband? All of your actions pre/post marriage scream of contempt for this man. Aside from the canned answers most WS give, what is truly different in your soul that makes you want to be with this man? That you’ll be a good and safe partner going forward? That you’re not waiting until the dust settles only to do this at some point down the road?

I have the same question. Why not release him and go live the “lifestyle” you want while allowing him to go find a loyal, faithful woman who will actually heal him and respect him?

pureheartkit posted 2/4/2020 21:09 PM

Put all of the expectations of the world aside and think about do you really love SD? If you do you must not hurt him any more. He has had enough for five lifetimes. He is not and never was your plaything. He deserves real love and respect.

Most men would have left by now. He's not weak, he's remarkable. Don't you realize how rare he is?

You have what you need. You don't need more. If you feel that it isn't enough, you will likely never be satisfied.

Gratitude. Gratitude. Gratitude.

Tell him every day you appreciate him being there.

Change4thebetter posted 2/5/2020 18:59 PM

Thank you for coming back to my story and for all of the responses. I will do my best to answer them!

Many have suggested that my post does not express remorse/regret. I can see that and I wish I could bring it across to all of you here at SI. It is hard for me to write out my feelings and thoughts adequately on this forum although I try. My BH does not question my remorse. At this point if he did not see remorse we wouldn’t not be attempting R and he can attest to that. He was also able to see immediately when my regret over getting caught became absolute remorse over my actions that I would give anything to turn back time and undo.

“In terms of improving R.... I'm going to say something which might not be terribly popular in the WS forum.. but.. R takes TWO. A WS can certainly play an out-sized role in creating a positive atmosphere for R to occur, but you can't "heal" anyone else but yourself. Both the WS and the BS have work to do, and neither can control the other as to how and when that work gets done. We can set the stage with compassion and honesty, but that works BOTH ways. A WS has to get to the bottom of their "whys" and they have to make internal changes in their character so that core beliefs and actions will always be aligned... and they have to learn to love and respect themselves again. But the BS's work is important too. We have to come to a place of acceptance that these things happened and we have to become strong enough in our sense of Self that we can tolerate vulnerability again without losing self-reliance. And just as WS do, we must relearn love and respect for ourselves. The Compassion/Self-Pity self-talk exercise isn't just for WS's. It's for BS's too.”

Chamomiletea everything that you said here is very true and it’s taken us a lot of time to learn this lesson. As for learning to respect and love myself- I am only learning to do this for the very first time. I have never respected nor loved myself. I held myself in high esteem in order to cope and hide my vulnerabilities. My BH thought I had amazing self-esteem until dday. This is still a shock to him as I have hid my self-doubts and self-hatred so well. Over the years (this year included) it’s been my BH who has been trying to teach me to love and respect myself. I’ve never felt worthy of love- not his nor my own.

“Regarding your husband, I have a theory that you were both interested and attracted to him (you mentioned that before) but he also represented all the repressions you were railing against. Which is why you treated him so poorly and were not interested in knowing him as a person or loving him and letting him get close to you. Have you started to know him as a person, to appreciate and love him, and to let him get close to you?”

Pippin I truly believe that the way I treated my BH stemmed from my being a dismissive avoidant. I am not saying that was the reason for the A’s and I am not using this as an excuse. I had a choice, I was an adult who knew right from wrong and I fucked up. I know that, I own that now and I would give anything for a do-over. Today, I can definitely say and show how much I appreciate and love my husband. He doesn’t doubt my love or appreciation for him, he only wishes I could have expressed it sooner. I work daily on allowing myself to be vulnerable and fully open myself to loving him and being loved by him.

“IOW, I think you may find it to be more effective to figure out how to attach the way you want to attach than to diagnose your attachment style. That's meant as a suggestion, not as a veiled criticism. You have to find your own path.”

I agree. It first took identifying and understanding my attachment style in order to see the root of my behaviors and defense mechanisms so that I could increase my awareness and begin my real work to change. I am not using my attachment style as an excuse to say, “this is who I am, take it or leave it.” I am using it to learn more about myself in order to heal myself. I couldn’t fix what was broken until I learned what and where the real problem was.

“Any reason given by the MC/IC? Am just curious. I do understand that hypnotherapy can botch things up if not done by someone who is experienced.”

“Are you still piecing your past together, or have you moved on to figuring out how you want to change? I don't ask that to pin you down - it's a genuine question that could help frame responses.”

RocketRacoon and Sisoon most of their reasoning seems to be that doing hypnotherapy and spending more time/energy at this point devoted to digging up more times/dates/places is unhealthy and needs to stop or we will be digging a bottomless pit with no end in sight. It is up to my BH at any point to determine if he can make peace with that and I’m aware that an anytime he can say that he is unable to.

Our therapists want us to look forward and focus our work to heal ourselves and our marriage. My BH’s concern is that if we stop the digging and don’t come up with everything and anything now we will continue to have ddays and that will be detrimental. I understand that as well, I do, but the concern is that at what point does the energy, time and focus on finding any and all possible information from 5 years ago benefit us right now or in the future.

“I have to ask, why are you with your husband? All of your actions pre/post marriage scream of contempt for this man. Aside from the canned answers most WS give, what is truly different in your soul that makes you want to be with this man? That you’ll be a good and safe partner going forward? That you’re not waiting until the dust settles only to do this at some point down the road?”

ff4152 and Thumos I’m putting this link here bc I can’t explain it better myself. I liked my husband. I knew he was amazing husband material. We connected and got along very well. I wasn’t initially threatened by him and that was partly to my feeling superior (I was older, held higher degrees, I was in better shape and he held me in such high esteem-I am ashamed of all of this now).

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-freedom-change/201802/dismissing-attachment-and-the-search-love%3famp

My BH has spent years trying to break through my barriers without truly knowing what he was dealing with. My behavior confused and hurt him. I said one thing and did another or vice versa. When he first found out about my A’s he believed I had been treating him the way I did bc I was giving all my love, intimacy and devotion to my AP’s instead of him. Only now he sees that wasn’t the case and just how stunted I was.

“Put all of the expectations of the world aside and think about do you really love SD? If you do you must not hurt him any more. He has had enough for five lifetimes. He is not and never was your plaything. He deserves real love and respect.

Most men would have left by now. He's not weak, he's remarkable. Don't you realize how rare he is?”

pureheartkit and anoldlion- I realize that every day. I think that every minute of every day. I wish I could endlessly express that to him as well. He always was rare and remarkable but I closed myself off to seeing him for the special and magnificent man he is. I don’t anymore!

RocketRaccoon posted 2/6/2020 02:10 AM

most of their reasoning seems to be that doing hypnotherapy and spending more time/energy at this point devoted to digging up more times/dates/places is unhealthy and needs to stop or we will be digging a bottomless pit with no end in sight. It is up to my BH at any point to determine if he can make peace with that and I’m aware that an anytime he can say that he is unable to.

I can understand the base idea of what the ICs are saying, but then you post this

My BH’s concern is that if we stop the digging and don’t come up with everything and anything now we will continue to have ddays and that will be detrimental. I understand that as well, I do, but the concern is that at what point does the energy, time and focus on finding any and all possible information from 5 years ago benefit us right now or in the future.

You are now facing a quandary; at what point do you stop? What is enough for SD? Your ICs seem to be asking you to convince SD to stop digging, but SD does not seem to want to stop yet.

As a suggestion, it might be good to discuss with SD to set a limit on how far back you might want to dig. As a suggestion, the time that you two met, as prior to this time, SD and you would be two total strangers, and what you did before then does not come into play (from your relationship point of view).

From what you have posted, SD's idea seems to want to continue the search for more info, so that the both of you can avoid another painful event caused by the subconscious doing the Trickle Truthing. This 'suddenly remembering' stuff could damage your relationship even more, as SD might think that you are still hiding things from him, even though you think you are not.

Your conscious mind is fighting with your sub-conscious mind, which is not a good thing. It can cause a shitload of issues later on.... well, it already has, and you are still reeling from it.

Ultimately, it is up to you and SD to weigh the pros-and-cons on this. You might want to check with SD if he will be able to handle any new information that might come out if you proceed with this.....

ChamomileTea posted 2/6/2020 12:44 PM

My BH’s concern is that if we stop the digging and don’t come up with everything and anything now we will continue to have ddays and that will be detrimental. I understand that as well, I do, but the concern is that at what point does the energy, time and focus on finding any and all possible information from 5 years ago benefit us right now or in the future.

This behavior in a BS can become very obsessive/compulsive. It certainly did for me. I eventually had to realize that it was a manifestation of my own anxiety and that it wasn't helping me. I needed to feel like I could handle whatever might come my way, be it R or D, and at that point I just didn't. I'd like to say that as I became more self-reliant, it just faded away. But it didn't. I had to MAKE myself stop. I already had plenty of info with which to make a stay or go decision and the frenetic search for more was just feeding my anxiety. IOW, I wasn't protecting myself at that point so much as hurting myself by choosing to stay in that obsessive/compulsive space.

Your BH will either realize it on his own or he won't. You can't control that. BS's have their own work to do, and like WS's the issues stretch all the way back to whatever is in our trauma history.