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Dranth posted 1/14/2020 11:04 AM

Some background information before I get started.

My wife and I have been together for 22 years, married for 7 of those. No children and we are both 43 years old.

This last Friday was DDay.

I got a text saying that she was going to the medical clinic because something wasnít right. She called me immediately after I asked her what was going on and started hysterically balling about how I was going to leave her because she is pretty sure she has an STD and I was going to think she got it cheating on me.

Well, of course. Who wouldnít?

I went numb immediately.

I told her to just go get tested and then set myself up an appointment for a full panel of everything the doctor and I could think of. Before I went to my appointment, I told her she needed to come clean with me. At that point she told me about her drunken ONS that happened 3 years ago at a gathering she went to and that was how she got it.

I was destroyed. I honestly didnít know something could rock your world like that.

I went to my appointment and suffered through the humiliation of the testing and sure enough, just a couple of weeks after our anniversary and a couple weeks before my birthday she gave me the gift of an STD courtesy of another man.

That night and the next day I went around in circles, asking everything I could think of, trying to make sense of it all, trying to figure out if there was any way to move forward either together or alone.

How could I ever be with anyone else now? Who wants a diseased, middle age, fat man? I am social awkward and have a difficult time talking to people before I know them. What chance did I have? Does that mean she is my only chance at ever being with anyone?

I know, not productive thoughts and all things that can be worked on/improved but it is hard to keep those thoughts from creeping back up.

Either way, I believed her story. She would get so upset that she would run to the bathroom and vomit/dry heave anytime I mentioned how it hurt me. She answered every question I wanted. Swore she would do ANYTHING it takes.

I found this site later that night and started looking at what everyone had gone through. How they handled it, how they recovered. What I kept seeing? Set boundaries, demand the truth and verify.

Monday, I did. I told her that I wanted the whole truth. The damage had been done and it was time for it all to come out. That is when she told me about the waiter. Seems this guy had been hitting on her for a while and for the past 3 years she had been going to his place on occasion, just a few times a year and never for longer than an hour. However, that stopped a while back. She SWORE nothing happened. He tried to kiss her once and she pushed him away. They just hung out because it made her feel good to be around someone that wanted her. Said she couldnít explain it and knew how dumb it sounded and how dangerous but it was the whole truth.

Can you believe I bought that crap?

I woke up later last night and sat bolt upright. That all made ZERO sense. I went into the other room where she was currently sleeping and asked for her phone. Told her my suspicions and that I had to verify what she told me. She handed it over and I went and purchased Fonelab to dig through any deleted messages, images etc.

About 10 minutes later she shows up in the computer room as I was really starting to dig. I asked her about the first name I saw that I didnít recognize and that is when the story changed.

There was no drunken ONS there was just this guy (the waiter) who she had been hooking up with for the last three years. It wasnít even emotional; it was just for sex. He would just text her or her him every few months when they were nice and horny and she would go over to his place. Leave me there sleeping and slip out.

She told me it had already ended six or seven months ago and that she didnít want to be with him, never wanted to, it was all physical and even that she didnít really enjoy. It was just the attention of a younger guy that drove her back.

Little more digging and find she contacted him last week. She explained that off as informing him of the STD and while it did match up time wise it was yet another lie. More digging, she had been with him as recently as 3 weeks ago. 3 f-ing weeks and she is trying to tell me how much she loves me now and wants to make it work. How much the last few years have made her closer to me than ever. How the F is that even possible? How can someone have sex with someone else for years with increased frequency over that time and feel closer to the person they are cheating on?

She says it was only something that happened now and then (couple times a year) until last year when it became an every month or two thing. I have the phone recovery information but honestly, I donít know if I can take reading it. I want to know if she is still lying, trying to minimize (though not sure why she would at this point, what really is the difference between sleeping with someone 15 times or 30) but to read them talking to each other like that is going to break me. I donít know if I want too many details.

Either way she is out of the house as of this morning and going to stay with her parents for a week while I do some thinking.

The really sad/pathetic part? I believe her. I believe her when she says she wouldnít do it again. It is almost like the realization that I am 9/10ths of the way out the door was a wakeup call. Somehow, she finally understands we may be done. She immediately sent him a message in front me saying it was over, immediately agreed to hand over all electronics, passwords etc. Agreed to tracking devices, etc.

Says she will do anything, absolutely anything.

Maybe she is telling the truth, maybe not. I guess only time will tell but I just donít know if I can stick around long enough to find out.

Anyway, thank you for letting me share. It brings some relief, no matter how small, just getting it out.

Anotheron3 posted 1/14/2020 11:19 AM

I'm sorry you're going through this. Only time will help you as you feel whatever you're feeling. Whether physical or emotional, cheating is cheating, and it hurts just as much.

Hopefully the STD is something that is treatable.

ryno posted 1/14/2020 12:48 PM

You are in shock not only due to the infidelity but the news of the STD. Please do not feel you need to make a decision immediately.

Take your time to consider what you want to do to move forward. If necessary, consult a professional who can help deal with your emotions and plan out how to move ahead.

It is possible for individuals to have sex with a third party while still loving their SO.

If it were me, I would make your wife work hard to try and save the marriage (if that is what you want).

In the meantime, I would recommend you exercise to feel better both physically and psychologically. It also sends a clear message to your wife that you are now moving on regardless of her behaviour.

GoldenR posted 1/14/2020 12:57 PM

So she valued sex with that other guy over you and your marriage. She thought about it and decided that yes, the juice would be worth the squeeze even if she lost everything. She thought that she'd never get caught but if she did, you don't have it in you to leave her. You love her too much. She's the prize. And if you do leave her, oh well, it was with it. So she went ahead with having a years long sexual relationship with this guy. She picked sex with him over you and your marriage.

That's how much she values you and your marriage. You're not worth her faithfulness and loyalty.

KingofNothing posted 1/14/2020 12:58 PM

Little more digging and find she contacted him last week. She explained that off as informing him of the STD and while it did match up time wise it was yet another lie. More digging, she had been with him as recently as 3 weeks ago. 3 f-ing weeks and she is trying to tell me how much she loves me now and wants to make it work. How much the last few years have made her closer to me than ever. How the F is that even possible? **How can someone have sex with someone else for years with increased frequency over that time and feel closer to the person they are cheating on?**

First response: man. WOW. Oh man. I am so very sorry this happened to you. You have been so thoroughly betrayed by your spouse. This is just awful. Words fail me.

Second response (see inside ** **): Don't you really have the answer to that question already? The answer is, obviously, she can't. She's flailing around and grasping at straws now. This is so totally and completely over the top awful she's trying to mitigate it with a version of the classic "It was just mindless sex, but you, you're the LUV ER MAH LAHFFFF" line. It's right from the playbook, look up minimizing.

I sense you already understand the consequences of your situation now. You're a smart guy, you jumped to the exact same conclusions any sane partner would had it happened to them. Your wife has betrayed you in the absolute worst way possible, and given you a disease to boot. You're angry and scared about life going forward. Why wouldn't you be? It's scary out there. Who wants to be with a guy whose wife gave him a disease? I can understand that fear. Loneliness sucks. Who wants that?

You are hurting now. It's entirely understandable. I suspect you will require a long time to heal physically and mentally. First things first you need to get with your regular physician and explain what your wife has done to you. I know this is shocking, but I suspect it isn't totally out of the ordinary for even a family practice. What are your options for treatment and mitigation? How will this impact your sex life with any future partners? Get the facts before you panic. There might be options.

She says it was only something that happened now and then (couple times a year) until last year when it became an every month or two thing. I have the phone recovery information but honestly, I donít know if I can take reading it. I want to know if she is still lying, trying to minimize (though not sure why she would at this point, what really is the difference between sleeping with someone 15 times or 30) but to read them talking to each other like that is going to break me. I donít know if I want too many details.

You might want to read the messages. It won't be pleasant, but it's time to be practical. You need to understand the complete timeline of the affair, for your own protection.
Write down the start and stop times. Write down each time they refer to having sex with each other. See if there were any OTHER affairs with OTHER men. You say she sent him a message a week ago? About getting an STD? Why would she warn him if she got it from him? Granted, maybe he didn't know his penis was a wreaking so much havoc and he should be warned. OR.. maybe there's another guy? Really, you don't know. The only thing you know is she's lied all throughout this iteration, has been fucking a waiter for a protracted period and has given you a lifetime present as a present for your fidelity. Once you have your timeline, ask her to write HER timeline with no prompting from you. Compare the two. What is missing?

I'd also consider a polygraph. AFTER the timeline. One of the questions should be about "have you had sexual contact with another man other than your husband and the waiter, at ANY point in your marriage?" You need to know the scope of the problem.

As for the mental trauma of this, I strongly recommend individual counseling. I'm no expert but I see evidence of shame, self loathing and anxiety in your posts. Grasp this one thing. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. You're a nice guy, I sense that. You've had your world blown up. You need to envision a world without this woman.

Should you go D or R? That is totally, completely up to you. I can only say what I would do. I would have serious problems trying to make something positive about this mess. So WHAT if she will do "absolutely anything" to make things right. You know she's saying this because she's caught! She's in a situation she made and she can't explain away. She gave you an STD! She made some selfish, shitty choices and didn't think twice about what she did to you. Do you really want to live with that for the rest of your life? You'd have to be the Marriage Cop forever! Again, only speaking for me, but I'd want to be able to trust my wife again, or be done with her. I just don't see that happening here. If she hadn't caught an illness, she'd still be boning the waiter. You know it's true.

I really wish you strength and healing going forward. I wouldn't wish this on my worse enemy.

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 1:00 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

Butforthegrace posted 1/14/2020 13:18 PM

Maybe she is telling the truth, maybe not. I guess only time will tell but I just donít know if I can stick around long enough to find out.

For quite a long time now, her default in terms of dealing with you has been to lie, sneak, deceive. That is her normal. The woman you think you are married to does not exist. She is a facade crafted to conceal her lies.

She isnt going the change that default, not without first hitting rock bottom. Trust nothing she says.

DoinBettr posted 1/14/2020 14:59 PM

It is possible for individuals to have sex with a third party while still loving their SO.

Nope! That is wayward logic. You need to realize she hurt her husband by having unprotected sex regularly with a man who she knew little about. That isn't love.
Come on. Don't give her that loop hole.
Now, what I did was to file. My wife then like yours turned around. She had 6 months to figure her crap out before I started separating the house. It only took her 3 months to get back to where I thought she wouldn't cheat again.
Your WW still isn't there. If she is there, she is still holding back a few cards. If she was serious, she would have installed all the software and opened everything herself.
Tell her to find a way to make you feel like #1 again. Ask her to write it out and you will read it. then tell her this is one of the last road signs you are giving her and she needs to put herself in your shoes. If you cheated, what would she need?
Good luck. Sorry about the STD. You are most likely still desirable to women.

PassThis posted 1/14/2020 15:00 PM

For almost half your marriage, your wife had a lover. She did not end the affair because she realized that what she was doing was despicable. She had to disclose to you in a panic because she knew that she had infected you.

She betrayed you for years. After the panic confession, she still trickle-truthed you in a pathetic attempt to minimize her transgressions. A ONS 3 years ago became instead a semi-monthly regular booty call.

In this extreme situation, I would recommend that you simply divorce her and move on. How can she possibly regain your trust? How can your relationship continue with your wife after she stole off into the night to have sex with another man and then came back to your bed before you missed her? You can and will find someone else.

You have not said if your STD is incurable, but whatever it is, it is not a death sentence. Most people have incurable infections such as mumps, measles, cold sores, shingles, etc. Many women have the same issues and hope to find someone who can love them anyway. Possibly a cure will be found (think polio, tuberculosis - both were cured in my lifetime and no longer stigmatize their victims). Medical advances are now coming at amazing frequency. Do not condemn yourself.

During the divorce process, you need to establish the "180 process" to protect yourself and to help you to adjust to life without your WW. IF (capitalized because it is a BIG if) your WW can prove, without a doubt, that she is truly remorseful and can redeem years of constant betrayal, you might reconsider your decision to divorce. She, however, must convince you that she has totally fixed whatever was broken within her so that she could NEVER betray you again. That means no contact ever with OM, the loss of her privacy forever, and she must be able to explain to your total satisfaction the WHY she could be so cruel to you over such a long period of time.

I have normally in favor of trying to reconcile, but I see no path for redemption for her egregious, frequent, and totally selfish repetitive acts.

I am sure that there may be more to the story than you have communicated, but I don't see this level of betrayal being forgivable or forgettable. But, I am not you. Your heart may be so strong, and her relationship (other than this betrayal) may be so strong, that you can accept what is done is done, life will continue, and you can love her regardless.

I send hope, strength and support, whether R or D.

[This message edited by PassThis at 3:03 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

Marz posted 1/14/2020 15:05 PM

Bud the one thing you can count on.

Cheaters lie a lot.

For your peace of mind get all the info you can.

Youíll never be able deal with the unknown.

Upfront everyone just wants them back but later they start to question. What did I get back?

Then take your time a think through this. Do not jump into R

SlapNutsABingo posted 1/14/2020 15:18 PM

I made a comment about affairs like this earlier today. I just don't see how a BS can feel like they are anything but a comfort zone to the WS after an affair that goes on this long. I mean, she went back to him time and time again for 3 years.

Dranth

You aren't in the Reconciliation Forum so I can say this and you need a good 2x4 right now.

Close your eyes and think about when the two of you were at your best between the sheets, think of all the things she said to you, the way she looked at and touched you. The sounds that came out of her, the way her body reacted to you. Things you did to her, she did to you and you both did to each other....the results that were had by both of you.

She did that with him repeatedly for 3 years...and most likely if there were things you didn't do. They did.

She may be remorseful, but I don't think so or the first words out of her mouth, now that it's empty, would not have been "You are going to divorce me". They would have been "I can't believe what I have done to you and us"

[This message edited by SlapNutsABingo at 3:21 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

Thumos posted 1/14/2020 15:23 PM

She says it was only something that happened now and then (couple times a year) until last year when it became an every month or two thing

So I bet that makes you feel better hearing that, right? Just a couple of times a year? Then a little more frequent? But it was just "now and then" and didn't mean anything right? And sex with you was soooo meaningful because you two are in lurrrvvvv.

Look man, no one can decide for you on R or D.

I find this so deeply shocking and her whorish (sorry if that offends) behavior so offensive.

The deception and betrayal here is very very deep. This has been going on for three years.

She deliberately put your health at risk and then seared a life-changing disease into your flesh.

Then she lied to your face about it. Over and over.

And I still don't think you're getting the whole story here.

Someone else commented...

It is possible for individuals to have sex with a third party while still loving their SO.

Sure anything is possible. That's a funny kind of love, though, isn't it? Not what I think of as loving. And I bet not what you think of as love, either, Dranth.

No one can decide to D or R for you. My WW brought her AP over to our home for unprotected sex. I didn't get a disease, but I'm trying to R with her in the face of a pretty steep climb. So it's impossible for me to say what I'd do in your shoes.

However, I think what I would do is kick her ass to the curb.

[This message edited by Thumos at 3:24 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

Butforthegrace posted 1/14/2020 16:06 PM

For almost half your marriage, your wife had a lover

Given the duration and the fluctuating frequency, I would expect that she could not even give you a detailed timeline of the A, even if she wanted to.

faithfulman posted 1/14/2020 16:26 PM

Usually my initial contribution to a Just Found Out thread is to pass along a bunch of information on how to investigate a lying cheating spouse because they never tell the truth until you wring it out of them, and even then, they hold on to something for who knows what reason.

But @Dranth, you handled that! I assume you know about VARs and phone monitoring, but if you don't, and it is something you want to consider, please just ask.

***

Second, you handled this like a boss thus far! So many betrayed spouses eat up silly lies for so long, and simply refuse to take the steps they need to in order to know the information they need to make an informed decision.

You didn't do that. You burned through that stage.

Not only that, after a short deliberation, you cut through your wife's bullshit like a hot samurai sword through butter and DEMANDED she give you the key to understanding what's really up!

Youre a boss dude. Your wife just didn't acknowledge it until you flexed!

Now she's shitting her pants because she knows her fuck buddies are dregs who see no value in her other than her holes, and they can't and won't support her half as well as you did.

***

Now you're at the hard part, which is deciding what to do.

I can't tell you, but divorce sure does seem sensible doesn't it?

I'm not sure why you would believe she would never do this again - you never believed she would do it in the first place!

She only told you because she couldn't hide it any longer because she contracted an STD and gave it to you!

I know it is so hard brother, but you need to read the messages from her phone, and I would recommend you do a recovery on her prior phones if you can.

There is a strong possibility that she has been cheating longer than you know.

Remember, she's a liar!

***

Good luck Boss - handle your biz!

[This message edited by faithfulman at 4:29 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

Bladerunner2054 posted 1/14/2020 17:26 PM

Nope. This would be the end for me. Three years plus an STD cherry on top? Adios.

hansvoleman posted 1/14/2020 17:41 PM

Who wants a diseased, middle age, fat man? I am social awkward and have a difficult time talking to people before I know them.

Dranth, my dear chap. I would give my eye teeth to be 43, single, no children and coming out of a long term relationship. You have maturity, demonstrable staying power and lots of stability. True I doubt 23 year old Playboy centrefolds are going to be stalking your Facebook page but is that who you would look at for relationships?

I think the "who would want me" question is one every BS dwells on; some of us for longer than we should depending on your self esteem. I was surprised to find out the answer is almost every single woman over 40 will give you a chance if you are interested. From my experience (please ladies correct me), women over 30 are less interested in what you look like but more how you behave, how you treat other people particularly them but most importantly your core values.

As part of working on you, look at losing the weight (I lost 35kgs in year by working out and watching my diet) and making exercise a habit. Most women take pride in their appearance so I do to now (suit and tie mostly)

Look at the reasons for your "social awkwardness" Are you really or is that how you feel? I always felt like I couldn't "join in". People just seemed to mingle so effortlessly. I couldn't and so never really made effort. I talked to my IC about it years ago and she actually told me I could be really charming. I never knew that I could be and worked out with her that the problem was my perception of how I thought people saw me. I did not suddenly morph into a "life and soul" type persona but I learned to look forward to meeting new people and relaxed into social occasions with that goal in mind. It took time but well worth it. I do have a friend, a very geeky female work mate, who solved the problem by doing stand up comedy once a week. You could try that but she has bigger cojones than I do!

As for being diseased well, is the STD, or at least the symptoms treatable? If it is a lifetime condition then you will have to be honest when the time comes. It's not as big an issue as you might think. I had a girlfriend who had herpes. She told me, I thanked her, used the appropriate protection and we never worried about it again. You may put some partners off but if someone is into you seriously I doubt at 40-ish being "diseased" will be the issue. Hiding it would be. You know this, don't you?

Does that mean she is my only chance at ever being with anyone?
Absolutely NOT. Do not sabotage your thinking with this.

I don't know if anyone has mentioned it while I was typing this novel but the book I found absolutely life changing was Married Mans Sex Life Primer by Athol Kaye. Don't let the title put you off. Look the Healing Library for a host of other books you could read but this is the one that made me realise I could make some very real changes that could only benefit either my current relationship or future ones.

For the record I am a 58 year old, formerly fat, formerly socially awkward geek with diabetes, gluten intolerance, high blood pressure, mild depression and occasional ED. (You can just imagine my "honesty list" with a new partner can't you?). I am also English but that's not officially a disease....yet.

I started following a self improvement plan in 2018 and it is working well enough that about six months ago my wife admitted she was worried that I am quite a catch now. I followed the plan for me but I have to admit I had a small sense of satisfaction that she is worried that I might now have options other than her. (I won't give myself those unless she cheats again).

I am sorry you are here but you are not alone. Read some of the threads and you will see there are plenty of guys who can identify with your fears. Then when you've done that read some of the female posters threads to discover just how women face worse and can be hyper critical of themselves beyond all reason. Please do not let fear that you will never find another love be a reason to hold you in your current hell.

[This message edited by hansvoleman at 5:51 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

Buster123 posted 1/14/2020 18:36 PM

She was forced to confess because of the STD, otherwise the A would still be on going, she only ended it with him after you told her you didn't buy her ONS lie, she was still talking to him. One of the first things you should do is EXPOSE her huge betrayal with ALL family and close friends, also anyone who knew about the A and/or helped her hide it or enabled it needs to go too, remember you don't have to commit to anything at this point, take your time, some times infidelity is a deal breaker and that's ok too, especially after an STD, she didn't give a shit about you and played russian roulette with your health for 3 years. Honestly I would just dump her and don't look back, she literally lied to you HUNDREDS or even THOUSANDS of times during those 3 years, also this may not necessarily be her first rodeo.

waitedwaytoolong posted 1/14/2020 20:04 PM

Think of how many decisions she needed to make over the years to get to the point you are now. She was this guys easy booty call. She at any point could have either not gone in the first place, or decided this wasnít fair to you and to stop it. She certainly didnít have to have non protected sex. Frankly you are lucky this guy didnít impregnate her and leave you to raise another guys child

With no kids this should be an easy decision. Life is too short for you to wonder if she is out banging the next attractive guy she meets.

Use the next few years to get back into shape, and take care of the std. medicine has come a long way.

My wife too had unprotected non emotional sex. I caught it early but I think if I hadnít it would have gone on for years. Like you I was also sure she wouldnít do it again. We tried to reconcile for years and Iím pretty sure she didnít. But it didnít matter. The damage was done

During our reconciliation I got into awesome shape. It doesnít come easy, but th3 rewards are worth it.

Find a woman who is dedicated to you, not her impulsive sexual needs

[This message edited by waitedwaytoolong at 8:53 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

Beachwalker posted 1/15/2020 00:19 AM

DRANTH: I am sorry you have been put into this crappy situation, but Iím glad you found us. I am right there with you, Brother, and I feel your pain, humiliation, anger, guilt, and a dozen other emotions all tightly wrapped up inside you, busting to get out.

Faithfulman is right: You are handling this well, so far.

It wasnít even emotional; it was just for sex.

Sheís minimizing her behavior.
she didnít want to be with him, never wanted to, it was all physical and even that she didnít really enjoy.

Bullcrap! If she didnít want to be with him and didnít enjoy it, she wouldnít have gone back Ö. Period! Like marz said, ďCheaters lie, and they lie a lot!Ē
she had been with him as recently as 3 weeks ago.

It seems to me this well is a whole lot deeper that what the salesman said it was! When I dug into my WWís (Wayward Wife) stuff, the story just got more and more tangled. I am afraid that is going to be the story with you, too. But, maybe not. Just prepare yourself for the worst.
I donít know if I want too many details.

Everybody is different. I wanted to know everything: What she did Ė exactly Ė with each partner, where, when, how often, who initiated, Ö. If she could recall what color of underwear she had on each encounter, I wanted to know that, too! Others would prefer to let whatever happened in the past to stay there and just move on. Some are somewhere in the middle. Just remember that once you read those communiques, you canít un-read them. Maybe read just one or two, then decide if you want to go on. You might stop then come back to them in a few days. You donít have to decide this today. Decide when youíre ready.
I believe her when she says she wouldnít do it again. Somehow, she finally understands we may be done.

I thought that, too, of my wife when I caught her the second time. She had contracted an STD, was embarrassed by confessing what sheíd done to a pastor at our church, saw how hurt and angry I was, so on and so forth. Yet, I found out decades later all she did was get really good at hiding her activities. Will this be your wife? I have no idea. I just want to turn the light on what MIGHT happen.

In my opinion, you are too soon into this and too emotionally stimulated to make the R or D decision right now. Listen to the advice of the others and put it into action. You make the call of what to do next, and next after that, and next again. You do what you need to heal you.

Everybody here wants you to have a healthy, happy life, and we are sharing with you our opinions and advice based on our experiences. There is a saying here at SI: ďTake what you need and leave the rest.Ē We all want to help you avoid as much pain and trauma as possible. Post often and keep us up to date. Just remember that here, you are not alone.

ramius posted 1/15/2020 02:03 AM

How could I ever be with anyone else now? Who wants a diseased, middle age, fat man? I am social awkward and have a difficult time talking to people before I know them. What chance did I have? Does that mean she is my only chance at ever being with anyone?

This is what is called ďStinking ThinkingĒ. Stop it.

Eat protein, ditch the sugar, hit the gym, take an improve class. In 6 months you can be a new person. In shape and good at conservation. STDís can be treated and controlled. By the way there are other nice people out there with similar challenges. And they find love.

You wife was a whore on demand who gave you an STD. And only ďconfessedĒ because of the STD. Otherwise she would still be at it.

You can do SO much better than her. Do not sell yourself short.

Buffer posted 1/15/2020 04:25 AM

Brother, truly a shit sandwich , also a STD to boot, talk about the gift that keeps on giving

Well there are a lot of information handed to you, some in the form of a 2x4. The best thing is not do a thing. Take time, as much as as you need. WW took three years to tell you she was into younger waiters that give STDs to boot.

You, start 180 now, regardless of what you need to do D or R. She took three years after a drunken ONS, to tell you what she was up to.
As she is at her parents abode, I assume they know. Do you both have a full treatment plan re the illness?
I like the recommendation of going through each and all messages so to build your time line. Get WW to do the same and make two time lines #1 G rated and include all feelings emotions and justification for each action and what her plan was for when she was caught. #2 is a full no holds bar version including position, deeds done, what he did that she would never do with you. However; warning once read it can never be unread. Also how much did she spend on the POSOM, to maintain this relationship?

As she is out of the house, start healthy, get a trainer, exercise, eat healthy, drink water, no booze or drugs. Take the family pet for walks and discuss all emotions with the pet. They never give bad advice. Donít have a pet get a goldfish and talk to the trees when walking.
Get legal advice ASAP. Know your rights and responsibilities.
Take a evening class in something, anything to help to work on your social awkwardness. Join a club, train in martial arts, Book reading etc; get where I am coming from: interact with strangers to overcome.

When you are ready then have the sit down with her at her parents (VAR at the ready) then ask your questions of why, how can she love you yet bang another, just sex, would it be ok if you were banging a 21 year old cheer leader just for sex no love?
When you get all of the information you need then talk to another lawyer and with what information you have then make the call for D or R. She took three years, you do the same if needed.

Maintaining your 180 and taking proper healthy care of yourself, new classes and clubs, new cloths, she will be the one with the low self esteem not you.

Nothing is your fault, never take that view.

One day at a time as well the truth will set you on the right path for you.

Buffer

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