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A noose around my neck 😭

Newbeginnings24 posted 1/14/2020 03:12 AM

Hi all,

Encouraging words and suggestions of a way forward to ensure I remain on my healing and happy path to freedom.

Recap: DDay June 2019. Separated instantly. D decree nisi. DD 3 who I am main carer for but STBXWH has her 2 nights per week and his parent care for her one day whilst I am at work.

Found out last night that STBXWH spent Christmas with OW and his family. When I went to collect our DD from him and his parents they werenít there. However, were hiding around the corner in their car with his OW. I met his mum at the wkd (her request) for breakfast bcoz she is worried about me and wants me to feel I can ask her for support with DD or finances. At this meeting she slagged off her sons relationship on her own terms. I wasnít upset or suggesting any sort of confusion over his reasons. She volunteered her Ďopinioní on the matter and said she still believes heís going through a midlife crisis, it wonít work with OW and her and I can say in time Ďwe told you so!í. At this point I suspected the above but hadnít received confirmation. Probably not relevant but I was with STBXWH for 15 years and find the whole situation very disrespectful and deceitful. How do I have any type of relationship with her if this is what she is going to do?

I have spoken to STBXWH about how I feel and of course he reports their action are to protect me! His parents had an affair and Iím thinking they still get off on sneaking around and lying to others. I have in no uncertain terms told my STBXWH what will happen longterm if this deceit continues but he throws this back in my face and said life isnít like that and that would just show our DD bitterness. How do I try and explain my feelings and boundaries without it being twisted to suit them?

Please help....I didnít sleep last night due to worrying about their constant mindfucks and will I ever rid them from my life. I have been doing so well. He has asked me to move on and be happy but their games are continued hurts. I am thinking of emailing or writing to his mum about how I feel.

NB x

BigBlueEyes posted 1/14/2020 04:08 AM

Hey NB,

180 the lot of them, detach as much as possible.
They are nothing but poison.

I can honestly say if any of my boys behaved in this way towards wife/gf they would be in serious trouble with me & the rest of the family.
Just because they are my absolute pride & joy it doesnít mean they would get a free pass to treat the mother of my grandchildren so terribly.
You deserve honesty & respect which they are clearly unable to give you.

Tigersrule77 posted 1/14/2020 08:11 AM

I agree with BBE. The best way for you to avoid their betrayal is to completely disengage. Clearly your MIL wants to keep you close for her own reasons, not to support you.

Don't engage with any of them, including STBXWH unless it is in regards to your DD or the D. That is the best way for you to protect yourself.

Newbeginnings24 posted 1/14/2020 09:53 AM

I am beyond words for them. How they think this is right?! But who am I trying to kid? Iíve seen his true colours and I am now seeing his parents. Itís all a complete and utter mess and I donít know where to begin. I feel that if I just go NC then I am giving them permission to betray me. I am finding this whole thing extremely difficult to comprehend and canít understand their intentions in any way. It just doesnít sit right with me.

I need to seriously learn how to not give a damn about what others think. Prioritise myself and move on without them. I just wish they werenít so heavily involved with my DD. His sisters ex took his own life and I can really see that if they did this to him how must he have felt. He hung around for 2 years after they separated trying to be involved with them all and I can only now begin to even imagine what he must of had to put up with. 😫😭

NB x

burninghouse posted 1/14/2020 12:10 PM

Agree that you need to prioritize yourself and disengage as much as possible. These people are toxic and the mindfuckery and hurt will continue if you let it. There is a saying here on SI: NC means no new hurts.

My MIL did something very similar, calling his cheating and lying a midlife crisis which is just making excuses for something that is inexcusable. It took me awhile to realize the dynamics of the situation, and I finally implemented NC with them. I'm so glad I did this!

NC, the 180, grey rock, etc. are to help you put as much distance as possible between you and toxic people/situations, so you can heal and get stronger. Taking care of yourself is in no way giving anyone permission to betray or otherwise mistreat you. Granted, you have no control of what they do or how they handle themselves, but you do have control over you and caring for yourself and DD.

I'm so sorry you are in this position, but you can do this and will make it through to the other side. ((NB24))

burninghouse posted 1/14/2020 12:12 PM

duplicate post

[This message edited by burninghouse at 1:18 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

Newbeginnings24 posted 1/14/2020 16:53 PM

Yes grey rock it is.

Know your worth. Have the courage to leave the table if respect is no longer being served.

Thank you xx

Newbeginnings24 posted 1/15/2020 14:13 PM

Update; spoke with MIL today about her behaviour. What the consequences of her actions are and how we move forward. As expected STBXWH had bad mouthed me and made out I was trying to control them and their behaviour. Well no, this is how it is. You donít respect me, you lie, you sneak around and you are two faced so THE END on our friendship. I havenít got room in my life for idiots! MIL response - very defensive and then tried to play the victim. Oh god, pass me my tissues Iím besides myself.

Grey rock and new drama free life ahead 😁👍🌝

Simplicity posted 1/15/2020 14:42 PM

That is exactly what happened to me when I confronted my XMIL, as well! She got very defensive, and then tried to use MY religion that I actually read about and practice (I don't just treat Buddhism like some fun free hippie religion like she does!) against me. To which I quickly shut her down, cited some sources, and said if you can't be respectful then don't talk to me. There has been no contact since.

pureheartkit posted 1/18/2020 00:53 AM

Sad that these hurtful games continue.

It's hard but you will find others who will build you up and not excuse bad behavior. Why people cling to bad habits? Pushing away those that could make their life brighter. *sigh*

Loosen up that noose and let the fresh air in.

My WH mother just the same. Excusing his bad actions and telling me to stick it out. Always a reason to look away....she will always do that.

I'm sad for them. They are stuck and won't grow.

BigBlueEyes posted 1/18/2020 06:36 AM

Good for you lovie,

letting go of the poison surrounding you shows how far you have come.

You are the prize, you deserve respect & honesty from everyone in your life.

Super proud of the strength you continue to gain.

Newbeginnings24 posted 1/18/2020 14:31 PM

Thank you simplicity, pureheartkit and bigblueeyes. I question my strength some days but have to try and remind myself of how far I have come and how far I will go.

The realisation of not only grey rocking him but his family also has dawned on me this week in a massive way. I am immobilised with the unfairness of it all and how they all now play the victim. A stab to the heart was enough to take but the stabs to the back are all too painful to deal with at times.

Not my problem, I wonít change them, they will always act this way.....just move on and forget. My mantra for today and the next to come where I find myself going over old ground.

NB x

hopefullife posted 1/19/2020 03:51 AM

Hi NB24, i'm in a similar situation with STBXH. His family are liars with no sense of morality. Hence, I'm also cutting them off in my life. I have no business with people who intentionally disrespects a person who they say they love and treat as family. Nope, they are selfish people, is what I can say. They are not worth keeping

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