SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It has been awhile since I've posted. Life moves on, which is good. Coming up on two years since the D was finalized and five for the A, discovery, DDay, etc. The ExWW and I have actually reached a detente as far as co-parenting our two boys are concerned. Even spent holiday time together, based on where her mother is so the boys can spend time with her. Given her emotional instability, it dawned on me that "playing nice" would serve me and the boys better in the long run. I could hurl hate & vitriol at her, but that would splash on my sons and I don't want that. Just trying to be mature about the whole thing.

Now, as 10 and 12yo boys do on occasion, there was a little roughhousing while I had them over holiday break. Let's just say there was a flying game controller and my oldest's eyebrow/forehead involved. A little welt, a bruise, some ice and apologies all around between the two of them. (The oldest probably provoked it, if I know my kids!)

I text the ExWW with a head's up about the mark on the oldest's forehead, which we've done in the past. (She's picking them up later in the day) "Don't be alarmed, but . . .", "Everyone is ok, but . . ." Normal, right? And the immediate text back: "Where were you when this happened? Have they been playing video games all day?"

The gist is she's looking for an apology for me letting this happen to them "on my watch." We've never apologized with prior incidents, because, well, boys/brothers will be boys/brothers and responsibility lies with them. (I have three older brothers, I'm well versed!) My point is that I can't hover like the helicopter she is, am not responsible for what happened and don't owe her an apology. Which of course makes me the royal asshole in the whole situation.

So my question is this: When the kids get into it with each other, which can happen at any moment especially with boys this age, is the parent obliged to express remorse (a concept she sorely lacks unless it benefits her) to the other for it happening on their watch? I think if that parent wasn't directly responsible, there's no need for an apology. I am interested in the responses. Maybe I'm in the wrong, but it doesn't feel like it.

Accidents and incidents happen. A pre-schooler could fall out of a swing and get a conk on the head. Things HAPPEN. This sounds pretty normal.

I think you did the right combination of things, and I don't think there should be any apology on your part.

Have you asked her why she feels an apology is necessary? Boys of ages 10 and 12 do not require direct supervision like a toddler does--what if you were in another room making a meal? Is that not parenting? Is that not what needs to be done "on your watch?"

Cat

Of course no apology is necessary. Your WW’s accusatory response is unnecessarily hostile. I grew up with two brothers.

Shit happens. My mother only wanted to be told if blood was involved! Ha! Otherwise just stay outside until dinner.🙄. Different times though.

No response is necessary. Ignore. Carry on.

No.

It sounds like she's trying to use them as a weapon against you to bring you down. As if the kids won't/don't get scraps and bruises or get sick under her watch?

Asking for details and making sure you were there to ensure they were okay is one thing. Demanding an apology for it is kind of sick. [It sounds like the petty shit my WW's mom wold do with her dad, and she's an overbearing helicopter parent that freaks out if her children have a 99 degree temperature...as adults]

Shit happens. My mother only wanted to be told if blood was involved! Ha! Otherwise just stay outside until dinner.🙄. Different times though.

Better times. I'm glad I didn't grow up with helicopter parents (and I'm not the oldest millenial), I've seen some pretty bad results where either the kids as adults have low self esteem or lack responsibility, or worse resent and hate their parents for it.

Still a crapshoot though, my sister chafed under my parents because she'd lie and steal, but she was given a wide berth and even then it wasn't enough. I chuckle at the thought of her growing up with WW's mother, and what fireworks that would have been lol.

No. You don’t. And heck, there is so much drama with my kids. But to play devil’s advocate...if you are playing nice and you seriously don’t care about what she thinks? Then just say, “sorry that happened,” and move on. Will she leave you alone if you do?

I don’t know. I hate all of this for any of us. It’s like a ridiculous game. But geez. I’m to the point where I’ll say words for peace for me and the kids. I guess it depends on what you think you might gain from it.

I’m guessing that she has picked up that your kids prefer your home. They love their mother but you are their role model. You and they interact in a different way than she does. Boys usually just gravitate to other guys. It happens. You know her and we don’t. Could she make an issue over this?

How you parent your children is between you and them. I would let it go. If she repeats the question then there is a power play going on and you will have to address it.

All she needs is an explanation, out of courtesy as they are also her children.

Kids can go from peaceful loving siblings, to all having hands on the nuke button at a minutes notice. It's your job to make sure everyone comes out alive, and not minus fingers or pertinent parts. ~sarcasm disclaimer~

If someone tells you their kids NEVER fight and have never done something vile to their sibling...they are simply lying. Siblings seem to delight in harassing, each other. Some are mild, and some are where you consider separating them in their rooms with Constantine wire.

You didn't do anything negligent that I can see. IF they were very young and you let them fight each other with the intent to hurt each other while you watched then she'd have something to complain about.

Dismiss it as petty, and don't feed into it.

Boys do this. Nothing special here.

No contact except for kids would be my choice.

No good deed goes unpunished with people like this.

Keep the peace. Give her a sincerely appropriate “apology” like “hey sorry - my bad that X was hit by a flying Game controller”.

You don’t mean it. But she’s placated. .

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:50 PM, January 5th (Sunday)]

Is it possible that she's looking for some sort of written communication/evidence that says you're responsible for the injury, in some sort of plan/attempt to use it against you in some way?

Thanks for the input. To address generally the ideas expressed here that she has an ulterior motive, rearranging the custody agreement, support, etc., that's not the case.

We agreed very early on that the boys, placement, custody, etc., would never be something we used to leverage each other or pit against one another. Actually, in the almost two years we've been doing this, it has gone mostly really well. We are actually proud of how we've handled the kids. We sit next to each other at school functions, we trade placement days as necessary for each of us with little fanfare or disagreements. Even holidays, as I mentioned. Right of first refusal if either has something that would require a babysitter. Truthfully, it's probably the one thing we haven't fucked up in our relationship (beyond the obvious). We both understand that we'll need each other's help at time. I travel or have work events that can impact placement. She has similar situations.

It's actually not been a contention point.