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This just seems like the right place

Justsomeguy posted 12/31/2019 11:38 AM

At first, this was going to be a post about how tired I am of reading the sad stories that we have all gone through and continue to. Cheaters take so much away and it seems the cycle of hurt never abated, wash, rinse, repeat. But as soon as I started typing, something happened. As my GF would put it, something needed to come out, so here it is....

I struggled with what to name this thread. I've been a member here since July of 2018 and have read possible hundreds if not thousands of posts. They have been invaluable to me. The collective wisdom and experience here has proven more beneficial than any therapist could be. You people have saved me in more ways than you can possibly imagine. I am now 3 years post dday#1, 2 years post dday #2, and roughly 19 months seperated. In dog years, I guess I'm a vet. They say it takes 2-5 years to heal, but since I am divorcing, it feels faster.

So many positives have happened to me recently. They might seem small to those outside SI, but I think you all get it. I no longer spend all of my time wishing I was dead and when i do, it is just because i an low or tired and life feels to big at times. I dont feel pain anymore, just irritation, like my STBXWW is a pebble in my shoe and i just need to find the nearest opportunity to shake it out. I have a woman in my life that i care for very much, though I have no assurance of it lasting, but hey, I apparently did not have assurance in my last relationship. I was just unaware of that.

I laughed a couple of weeks ago. Not a chortle or a smirk, but really laughed and smiled in a way I had not done in many years. I felt, for a brief moment, joy. I was with my GF and I mentioned it, but did not want to convey it's full impact to her. I wanted to save that as mine and mine alone. I wanted to sit and really think about it.

I have learned to find moments of peace and contentment. I am now of the opinion that happiness is a fool's errand. It is fleeting and superficial because it relies on situation rather than attitude. For me at least, I want to learn to bend and not break, to accept and not resist the troubles life gives me. I'm working on this.

I've so learned what intimacy is and what an honest and authentic physical relation can feel like. It turns out that I had never really experienced that before but was blissfully unaware. Won't ever go back to mediocre sex, I'll tell you that. I will not accept a partner who is not emotionally all in. And I will not defraud someone by not doing the same.

Holy shit, this is a long post. My bad.

So my GF does this thing every year. She comes up with a order for the next year, sort of a theme to live by. I thought about this. I guess my word for last year would have had to be "unbroken". I had been hammered last year and I felt it. I am going to spend the day thinking about a word, but one seems to be in the forefront, "foreward". I have decided to see myself, not as a victim or even a survivor, as they suggest, to me at least, a passivity which I am leaving behind. I now feel that something good and big and wonderous is coming, and I need to stand up and go to meet it head on. So I guess it rucksacks on and get ready to move into 2020. Happy new year my friends. And thank you for being there for me, all of you wonderful, hurting, loving and anonymous people.

Phoenix1 posted 12/31/2019 12:23 PM

Great update! Keep on keeping on!

pureheartkit posted 1/19/2020 10:36 AM

Yes! Yes! You're on the road to wisdom!

A life of peace, of honesty, of connection, of authenticity. Happiness comes by, sings it's song like a sweet bird, sadness comes by too but not so often.

I'm so happy for you. You will really grow now.

Life is transition. One stage to another. Some people want to be stuck. When you let go of anger and fear the possibilities open up. Enjoy every day. I think of it like I'm watching a big windstorm through a window from a calm warm space. Outside its chaotic, the cold wind is thrashing the tree branches, the leaves are blowing through the air. Some people are swept up in that storm, some people are causing it. I see it but it does not touch me and if it does, I know how to step aside and let it pass by.

I could not have done it without everyone here.
I am so grateful to you all. Forever grateful.

Chrysalis123 posted 1/19/2020 10:51 AM

I love your post!! You have done good!!

Twinsmom posted 1/19/2020 20:33 PM

This is a great post. I really like that you recognize that there are some moments that are to be celebrated. You have such a great perspective.

Happiness does rely on the situation but if you find happiness within yourself then no one can take that away from you. This is a concept I am working on intently. I won't let another person control whether I have a good day or not. I won't let someone else make decisions for my life. I will work on how I react to other's choices. Sorry..I got on a roll!!

Congrats on all the great stuff going on in your life! You deserve it!

WhoTheBleep posted 1/19/2020 20:38 PM

This post, was an excellent read. Very nice, Jsg...

LoveTKO posted 1/20/2020 08:30 AM

Happy New Year to you too! You deserve it...

Fablegirl posted 1/20/2020 08:39 AM

I am grateful you wrote this. So much wisdom there and a lot for me to think about. I love what you wrote about happiness and contentment being an attitude and not a situation.

EllieKMAS posted 1/20/2020 10:23 AM

I am now of the opinion that happiness is a fool's errand. It is fleeting and superficial because it relies on situation rather than attitude. For me at least, I want to learn to bend and not break, to accept and not resist the troubles life gives me. I'm working on this.
This speaks to me!

I am very glad your healing is going so well. Sounds like you are firmly moving forward.

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