At first, this was going to be a post about how tired I am of reading the sad stories that we have all gone through and continue to. Cheaters take so much away and it seems the cycle of hurt never abated, wash, rinse, repeat. But as soon as I started typing, something happened. As my GF would put it, something needed to come out, so here it is....
I struggled with what to name this thread. I've been a member here since July of 2018 and have read possible hundreds if not thousands of posts. They have been invaluable to me. The collective wisdom and experience here has proven more beneficial than any therapist could be. You people have saved me in more ways than you can possibly imagine. I am now 3 years post dday#1, 2 years post dday #2, and roughly 19 months seperated. In dog years, I guess I'm a vet. They say it takes 2-5 years to heal, but since I am divorcing, it feels faster.
So many positives have happened to me recently. They might seem small to those outside SI, but I think you all get it. I no longer spend all of my time wishing I was dead and when i do, it is just because i an low or tired and life feels to big at times. I dont feel pain anymore, just irritation, like my STBXWW is a pebble in my shoe and i just need to find the nearest opportunity to shake it out. I have a woman in my life that i care for very much, though I have no assurance of it lasting, but hey, I apparently did not have assurance in my last relationship. I was just unaware of that.
I laughed a couple of weeks ago. Not a chortle or a smirk, but really laughed and smiled in a way I had not done in many years. I felt, for a brief moment, joy. I was with my GF and I mentioned it, but did not want to convey it's full impact to her. I wanted to save that as mine and mine alone. I wanted to sit and really think about it.
I have learned to find moments of peace and contentment. I am now of the opinion that happiness is a fool's errand. It is fleeting and superficial because it relies on situation rather than attitude. For me at least, I want to learn to bend and not break, to accept and not resist the troubles life gives me. I'm working on this.
I've so learned what intimacy is and what an honest and authentic physical relation can feel like. It turns out that I had never really experienced that before but was blissfully unaware. Won't ever go back to mediocre sex, I'll tell you that. I will not accept a partner who is not emotionally all in. And I will not defraud someone by not doing the same.
Holy shit, this is a long post. My bad.
So my GF does this thing every year. She comes up with a order for the next year, sort of a theme to live by. I thought about this. I guess my word for last year would have had to be "unbroken". I had been hammered last year and I felt it. I am going to spend the day thinking about a word, but one seems to be in the forefront, "foreward". I have decided to see myself, not as a victim or even a survivor, as they suggest, to me at least, a passivity which I am leaving behind. I now feel that something good and big and wonderous is coming, and I need to stand up and go to meet it head on. So I guess it rucksacks on and get ready to move into 2020. Happy new year my friends. And thank you for being there for me, all of you wonderful, hurting, loving and anonymous people.
