SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

2nd Affair Dday May 28, 2018. This Emotional and Physical affair lasted 9 months

It's been over a year since I found out about my Wife's affair. We are working toward reconciliation, times have been good and bad and everything in between. I discovered the affair by reviewing her text messages. Since the discovery, she has openly given me access to her phone.We started seeing a new counselor. We are about 3 months in with the new counselor and my spouse just recently started seeing the counselor individually. Something came yup during our last session, my wife stated she no longer believes I should be reviewing he phone records. She believes a year and a half of monitoring is long enough. The counselor agreed that is was time to begin to trust her again and stop reviewing. One of my wife's issues that she said led to the affair was her belief that she saw mw as a father authority/figure. Reviewing the phone falls into that category. I will tell you flat out even though we are trying to reconcile, I do not trust my wife. Reviewing her phone gives me some level of safety and comfort. I don't review nearly as much as I did in the past but I will take a peek from time to time. What do you think??

[This message edited by Kabal152 at 8:35 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)]

I am nearly 4 years out and very rarely check my wife's phone. BUT...I still feel I have the right to check, and would be fine if she wanted to check mine.

The days of blind trust are gone. She destroyed that.

I think I would bring this up to the MC. It is not up to the counselor or your wife to tell you when you should feel safe enough to stop monitoring. It is up to you.

Thank you for the response. My wife has full access to my phone, computer, social media accounts.....everything. Always has, pre ans post affairs. When the subject of monitoring was raised in the last session and I shared that my wife has access to all these things the counselor, dismissed it. Stating it really has no relevance on my wife's end, since she doesn't check.

I discovered the affair by reviewing her text messages

It has been my experience that cheaters figure out pretty early how they were caught (mostly because betrayed spouses are in chock and just blurt out the answer) and find ways around it, if they still want to continue contact.

This Emotional and Physical affair lasted 9 months

my wife stated she no longer believes I should be reviewing her phone records

IMO, this is a red flag.

1. she doesnt get to call the shots

2. The days of blind trust are gone. She destroyed that. - newparadigm

Also,

I will tell you flat out even though we are trying to reconcile, I do not trust my wife. Reviewing her phone gives me some level of safety and comfort.

These are YOUR needs. Are your needs important?

What do you think?

I think your W has begun to manipulate the counselor and any further "advice" you will receive from this counselor will lean heavily in favor of your wife.

One more thing ...

I do not trust my wife.

Besides the fact that she is a known cheater and liar .... is she doing anything today (besides the counselor issues) that has your gut wondering?

I really need to get off this site today because i am getting angry. A year where she managed not to f**k someone she isnt married to is not sufficient to restore trust. And only you get to decide when or IF she ever does.

And if she is still blaming you for the affair, even a little bit, by saying she saw you as an authority figure, and then basically threatening you by insinuating that you continuing to not trust her and check on her sincerity is causing the same wayward thought patterns she used to justify it last time? She isnt doing the work she needs to do. And you are right not to trust her. She doesnt sound safe.

When the subject of monitoring was raised in the last session and I shared that my wife has access to all these things the counselor, dismissed it

I'm not sure if others will agree, but I say it is time to fire this counselor.

There is no privacy in M, especially after something like this. Advocating that your cheater deserves privacy with her phone is not supporting your needs.

The main red flag here is that your W manipulated this discussion before you ever had a chance. They talked about it in IC. They already decided for you. Nothing you had to say deterred them from the main goal.

Maybe if I ask you this question it will help you realize something.

Who needs privacy with their phone in a marriage?

My answer would be .... someone with something to hide.

My next question is,

Do you hide your phone?

Do you have anything to hide?

See the pattern?

Your MC sucks. Between this and the MC trying to tell you that you contributed to the A's... NO. FUCK THAT. I would stop MC and move to IC for yourself or find an MC who specializes in infidelity.

Far as I'm concerned, you check her phone whenever you need to. My xshitbag pulled that shit too - accusing me of not trusting him...

He also said in a whiny voice that he never looked through my phone. I took it out and tossed it to him and told him to search it then. Cus guess what? He wasn't gonna find any shady shit on MY phone! People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

I’m five years out and i still occasionally check. I have an app installed that shows me everything but I look at it maybe once a month or so. Trust only builds with time and my husband will never have 100% again.

Keep in mind if she knows you’re looking she can delete things you’d be upset about. So really there has to be trust established at some point again. A year and a half doesn’t seem like enough time in your situation.

Your c is an idiot when it comes to infidelity. You don't need a mc. Her infidelity is a primary issue over any M problems. You don't have a M problem. Your WW has a cheating problem. Find a C who specializes in infidelity. You are wasting your time and money.

Your WS and the IC are full of bullshit. If there is nothing to hide why hide? Privacy? From your spouse?

I always had access to my WH’s phone, devices and social media. I just never checked. Because... trust. He also has access to all my devices. What’s the difference now? I mean me having access made him take advantage of my blind trust but ultimately for him there is no difference in now vs then with regards to access and checking. Sure, in the past I didn’t go into reviewing his apps and other settings (such as deleted apps, location services etc). Now I do. Not as often as in the first year but I do. As far as he’s concerned nothing changed. I have the exact same access as before.

What are your core values? what are you planning on getting from reviewing her phone?

My wife (yours probably too) is smart enough to get a burner phone, or install an app and delete it. Etc. Imo checking the phone does nothing.

The big thing is to listen to your wife and your gut. Most people on here get hints from their spouse before they check the phone. If your wife knows your on there, and she's going to cheat again, she won't use it. If she's aporn addict, then yes this needs to happen. But women typically aren't.

For me though, openness and transparency are key to a solid marraige. When my wife password protected her phone from me, I knew that meant they're things she wants to keep from me. Huge red flags. I'd say on your end, there's huge red flags.

If she came and said she doesn't like that you're doing it and asks to do it less or too give her privacy discuss the issue. Maybe she has family that are having issues that she wants to talk about without feeling monitored. Maybe she feels trapped, like a daughter and her father. I honestly don't monitor my wife's phone for that reason. I check maybe onnce a month and its just browsing. But if I get a gut feeling you bet I'm going to need her to hand it over right away.

I think you both have something to work on. Your wife with trust issues, and you with where you get security from. Do you believe that checking your wife's phone gives you more security? Or are you holding on to the fact that you can control your security and your wife's actions. I think digging deeper for you and your wife will find good things to work on.

Tell your counselor (I'm not sure he's a good one) that you don't control how your wife see's you. And that you would love her to not have those feelings, but you can't stop them. Only she can. Let him know it's not about the phone. She needs to figure out why she chooses to view you as an authority rather than a teammate. Your counselor should be working with her on her issues for individual counseling, not trying to change your behavior.

Not a deal breaker, but I agree, something you should be concerned about and want to discuss.

No, she does not get to call the shots here. She should offer her phone as often and for as long as you need it. My WH hands his phone over any time I ask. Does he like it? No! Does he do it, Yes! If he ever decides to tell me hes ready for me to not check his stuff, then our M will likely end.

My MC upon me asking her something similar, said it is very normal for a betrayed spouse to check their W phone 5years later even. I don't check my WH physical phone often as I have info that gives me all his phone activity basically, so I do that on my end & just check certain things sporadically on his phone.

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[This message edited by MrCleanSlate at 7:12 AM, December 2nd (Monday)]

Even if it’s possible that she’s sneaky and you’ll find nothing, if it gives you a sense of peace then you should keep doing it. She doesn’t get to set a timeline on when you trust her again. I’m only 6 months out and while I don’t believe my wh is currently cheating, I don’t trust him. At all. That’s his fault. Not mine, so I get to say what I need to feel safe in my marriage.

One of my wife's issues that she said led to the affair was her belief that she saw mw as a father authority/figure.

Nope. If that's really a piece of her puzzle, then trust would logically come only after she either changes that thinking or at the least is doing work to change it.

Double nope. If that's really is a piece of her puzzle, why/how does having an affair fix or improve the situation?

This is what she should be discussing in counseling, not whether you can look at her phone.

Having access to your WS’s phone allows you to recognize the red flag when they suddenly don’t want you to see it anymore. Btw - they slip up eventually. You can only be super careful for so long. Given enough time - they’ll fuck up if they’re cheating.

Simply put, there are no good reasons to keep secrets in a marriage (pleasant surprises aside). This has absolutely nothing at all to do with monitoring and everything to do with your WW's desire to hide... whatever... from you and herself. Like you, I've always been completely and utterly transparent with my phone, computer, whatever. My wife knows all (well, most) of my... peccadillos.

This desire, this "need," for some sort of privacy is a symptom, I believe, of another, deeper issue.

If you like this therapist and think that he's doing well over all, then challenge him on this notion about trusting. It's not about monitoring or transparency. It's about commitment, it's about being able to have faith in your spouse. It's about believing that your WW is committed to owning and fixing her shit.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 12:25 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)]

Honesty, the conditional tense is really irrelevant in discussing R issues. Feelings never need to be justified. If you feel it is better for your emotional health, then you should be checking her phone. You do not need to justify your reasons for needing this. If you are asking is it common to still feel the way you? Yes, it is.

Now this cuts both ways, her feeling are also neither in need of justification--they just are. She feels that you that she no longer needs to turn her phone over. Should she feel that way? Not if she has your best interest in mind, but unfortunately, whether she should or not is irrelevant. Because she is, present tense, not putting your feelings above hers.

So if we are looking for a solution, we need to change the question from what you and her should be feeling/doing to what you or her are feeling/doing and what you and her are willing to accept and tolerate to make this work. We cannot make someone do anything, we can only enforce our own boundaries in response.

YOU do what YOU need to do to feel safe.

If she balks in any way - that's a huge red flag.

Destroyed1 hit it on the head. She doesn't call the shots on this. You do. YOU are the priority. If you feel like checking, check - especially since she's pushing back.