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Tell your BIL when he is alone.

Make thanksgiving plans for your small family, if they ask - tell them the truth, that the actions of your SIL and H are not kosher and you will not be around her for a while. If they continue to bug you about it, tell them NO, maybe one day but it won't be today.

Explain to your H that he fucked up royally and that you know there was more going on than what you saw and he has to come clean about what it going on with her. You need to be strong in your decisions, don't waiver.

I would request access to every thing of his, I'd GPS his car and I'd probably stop by his work every so often. I'd also tell him he can't have any contact with her except for if you are right there and it will be no physical touching. Just a "HI SIL, how are you". Nothing more. If he complains, tough shit.

If your SIL comes at you with some lame excuse, cut her off and tell her she is not welcome to be around you or your kids, that maybe in the future you would consider being around you but for now there is no friendship, no close relationship and that you would appreciate her just smiling and going on her way.

I would also tell my MIL and FIL about the erection and what you saw, explain to them why you won't be there for family gatherings for a while. It is obvious they know something, and I bet they are covering for him.

One on one dinner was not with Sil. It was with a female coworker. This morning I dug a little deeper. He drove her to her home after dinner. He claims he did not go in her home.

However, he is a liar.

Definitely more to these stories. Look into polygraph, ASAP. So sorry.

onight I asked him to grab the computer and come sit next to me. I took his phone and told him I was going to run a recovery program. I asked again if I needed to know anything. He swore I did not and attempted to turn the tables.

Hot damn, FLnightmare, you don't need us any more, you have this thing locked! You totally turned the tables on the situation, this is such a great job!!

Keep us posted, in any event, we can all encourage you. I think you are on the right page here.

Drove her home but didn't go in? Something smells weird. Hmmmm.

If I walked out and saw my wife doing this I would divorce her on the spot and if I was doing likewise she'd have every reason to dump my ass as well.

Agree 100 percent. And this was his brother?! WTF?

Simply put the pool incident is an open and shut violation of your vows. They got completely physical and all but had sex. Both of them were aroused, or she wouldn’t have wrapped her legs around him.

Agreed. Didn't tell you about the dinner until he thought he was about to get busted, then it was he drove her home but "nothing happened."

Right.

Bad news, Wayward Husband. "Something happened" the moment you made arrangements to do anything with another woman behind your wife's back, even if it was "just" dinner and a ride home. Which, given that he was still sober enough to get a full, visible erection and yet comfortable enough to get freaky with his sister in law literally in front of her husband, and in the direct vicinity and line of sight of his own wife, parents and the kids... that's a degree of desensitization and comfort that casts serious shade on anything having to do with any contact with other women behind your back. IMHO.

I'm not a huge proponent of polygraphs because I'll be damned if I'm gonna sleep under the same roof with someone I've had to have polygraphed.

IMHO, he's putting you through trickle truth-telling you just enough to explain a thing away, or make you go away, and only when he's caught or about to be caught.

You have a kid at home, you may still be thinking about reconciliation, or you'll want to build a case for cause if you are considering divorce in an at fault state. Either way, your husband appears to need assistance with accountability and the truth.

Polygraph, on your terms, preferably without notice or with very, very minimal notice.

I hope I'm wrong and I may be wrong but my gut tells me there's more yet to know.

I'm sorry. 😪

You have no idea how the quality of your life is going to improve.

I am going to warn you. Your backbone is going to be very attractive to your WH. Do not back down at all.

The reason you are done with his bull crap—is deep down you know he is 100% about himself. This is why your marriage has been rocky. You can only twist into a pretzel so many times.

A man who would be openly sexual with his brothers wife is a man with a deep lack of character. Do not relent.

I am currently imitating a strong woman.

I do believe there is more to come. More to be revealed. He said two things yesterday that stuck out to me more than anything else...

90% of people consider cheating to be sexual intercourse. -this tells me he has not accepted/admitted to himself what he has done is wrong.

No matter what I say, even if it is the truth, you won’t believe me. You will dig until you find something that proves what you want to prove.

He has not hit bottom. He has not faced who he is or what he has done. My IC appointment is today and I will speak to our kids afterwards.

I am sick to my stomach at the thought of crushing them.

Be strong, you got this. You know the saying: For every rat you see, there’s 50 you don’t, so be prepared.

I'm so sorry for your pain and hurt, it's so hard, if you have kids.

Just another thought: if he behaves like this in front of you, parents, brother, I'm afraid to think, how he acts when nobody is watching…

And you are right, he is trying to redefine cheating just to gaslight you.

You are strong, and you know what you saw!

[This message edited by bookworm19 at 4:17 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

From my experience I can tell you that based on what he says he is not remorseful, he doesn’t get it AND if he thinks only intercourse is cheating then you can only imagine what he has done (based on this Florida vacation incident).

My H had a long term EA. Refused to admit this “friendship” was inappropriate or crossed the line. He was not in love w/ her but he loved the ego boost. He stonewalled me at every turn.

It was rugswept and never discussed. That allowed him to have a 2nd affair that almost led to our divorce. I believe he was able to justify the beginning of the affair where “nothing happened” b/c he got away with the first one.

BTW he admitted to the 2nd OW he knew that the first EA was wrong but did it anyway. Your H sounds a lot like my H in his words “I did nothing wrong” mentality.

Without true remorse you will spend your life trying to get the Cheater to understand respect and boundaries. Good luck to that!

Without true remorse you will spend your life trying to get the Cheater to understand respect and boundaries. Good luck to that!

And that is exactly what I will not do.

There is so much work to do on his end before the possibility of reconciliation is even a possible option.

I am currently imitating a strong woman.

No, you're not. You have found your strength. You are a strong woman!

No matter what I say, even if it is the truth, you won’t believe me.

This is so typical. It's a manipulation tactic. He's trying to get you to feel guilty so you'll stop digging. That right there is an almost guarantee that he has done more.

And, if course, minimizing. "We didn't have intercourse, so it wasn't that bad." Bullshit. Betrayal is betrayal.

I like how others say to respond to that. If he doesn't think he actually cheated, then he won't mind if you do the same.

You are not crushing your kids. You are teaching them a sibling’s spouse is off limits. You are teaching your kids saying idiot things like “90% of people only think intercourse is cheating” is wrong and unacceptable.

You will be their voice for moral grounds

^^^ THIS.

You are showing them what is and is not acceptable in a marriage. You are showing them that cheating leads to divorce if the cheater doesn't atone for it and fix themselves. Yes, it will hurt for a bit and they will need to adjust to their new normal but they will bounce back just fine.

You are teaching your kids that the way their father is treating their mother is not kosher - and you are showing them what a strong person is.

Draw your line in the sand and lace your bitch boots up - once your WH sees that you are not playing, he will either tell you the truth or show his true chicken colors and run. Either way YOU will be the strong, beautiful and trustworthy person and your kids will respect you for that.

Your SIL was in physical contact with your WH. He had an erection. This was a PA. He is a cheater, an adulterer. Whether there was PIV is completely irrelevant.

You also caught them in the act.

Then he gas lighted you.

He also admitted to a date to some other woman. There could be more but you don’t know at this point.

Your emotional reaction is completely normal.

In your follow up replies, it looks like you are handling this very well considering everything that happened.

I would suggest that you talk to your BIL. Tell him that your WH was making out with his wife. Or go with the1wife suggestion.

Also talk to a lawyer just to know your rights. Tell your WH that you haven’t decided yet if you want to reconcile our divorce. He is a cheater and you don’t have any obligation to reconcile with him.

Whenever he gas light you, minimize etc... don’t argue. Just tell him «  I’m sorry you feel that way «  and walk away.

And most important of all: take care of yourself!

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 3:40 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

Thinking of you! How was your appt today??

Hi Flnightmare

You have taken control of this well done 👍

Please keep at them don’t let them gaslight you. He did bad, trust your sub conscious.

Sounds like shitty boundaries all round his family is also toxic to your marriage.

Just remember to breath in then out. You are you stuff them!

Yes he 100% cheated. Most likely this wasn't the only hookup, but say it was the only time. Well, clearly something was going on, perhaps an emotional affair, otherwise your in-laws wouldn't have commented.

You are not overreacted

This man cheated on you, his wife, mother of his children. He would not have his own family if it weren't for you. And then to make things worse, he betrayed his own brother