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Why talk to your sister in law

Your brother in law NEEDS to know what happened. First so he can make a decision about what he wants on his marriage. But second so your husband can truly understand why the full impact of his actions. Regardless of any of this, you need to make sure you feel emotionally safe and secure, as then you will make the best decisoons for yourself and kids.

I had my first appointment with my IC yesterday. She is amazing. I feel like I have fallen into the correct person for me. She is a call a spade a spade kind of person. She called me on a few things I was thinking and I appreciate that up-frontness.

Last night we talked to the kids in a very appropriate way. It was the first time he showed and sort of remorse, but I am not fooled in believing it was for me. It is because he hurt his kids and he was embarrassed.

The conversation with the kids just affirms how amazing they are! My 20 year old is very upset with him and doesn’t even know what has happened. All we said was that he had made some poor choices that were not respectful of me or our marriage.

Thank you for checking in on me.

Now I am in the position of helping them cope with what he has done. I will NOT bad mouth him to the kids. I have told them both that it not their fault. He had made his own choices and we just have to give him the respect and space to do what he needs to do. I understand their anger, but I will not be a part of father bashing session.

That has been the hardest. Holding my feelings inside when in I just want to agree and yell with them. I don’t even know if I am making sense.

You are making sense. You are being a responsible parent and keeping the best interest if your children in mind

You rock !

No soliciting

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:44 AM, November 8th (Friday)]

It will be 4 weeks on Monday since d-day.

My emotions are all over the place, but the rage I feel scares me. I just lose it. This morning I lost it when he showed again that he just doesn’t get it at all.

I wanted to hit something, throw something, scream. I ended up throwing a water bottle.

I am not proud of that. It scares me. I am not a rage filled person. I am not violent.

Is this normal or am I losing it?

This will keep festering if you don't grab the bull by the horns, have you EXPOSE what you saw with the inlaws/OBS yet ? Did you confront OW ? your situation is not sustainable, I can't imagine going through the holidays and family meetings with this elephant in the room, it should be dealt with now, protect yourself, also contact an attorney to know your legal options, if you haven't, demand he gets tested for STDs (you should too).

Your husband needs to understand that NO ONE should ever KNOW he has an erection, let alone FEEL it, but you.

Ask him: “how would you feel if I let someone smell my hand saturated with my wetness?” That may get the point across.

[This message edited by Odonna at 4:06 PM, November 8th (Friday)]

The rage is a common reaction when dealing with infidelity. Please find a healthy outlet such as kick boxing to expel some of your righteous anger.

I have not confronted my sil or informed my bil. I would like to discuss it with my ic first. I see her again next week.

Rugs weep = regret

You need to tell the other spouse so he can decide if he wants to continue to be married.

That is a good plan to get some professional guidance on confronting the SIL and BIL. No harm in that.

Given who the OW is has huge repercussions on the family. It is best to be prepared for the numerous possible outcomes this will have

Remember the old saying - if you fail to plan you plan to fail.

My therapist used to say to me if you plan for the possible outcomes in every situation you will have a better response or reaction. Obviously you cannot do that 100% for everything but just having an idea of how to react or respond can make all the difference.

When I was forced to tell my H I was divorcing him after month of false reconciliation I was prepared. While I had no idea it was going to happen at the moment it did - I handled it extremely well. I was calm, composed and rational. I said 3 sentences and left the room. It was not a discussion. I wasn’t listening to anything he had to say.

It had the impact it did b/c I blindsided him and was rational. I was prepared for the possibility of the conversation.

You are handling this well. I admire your strength.

Now your H just needs to come to grips with reality and his poor choices. He cheated. That’s a fact. How he chooses to handle this going forward says everything about his character and the kind of man he is.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:56 PM, November 9th (Saturday)]

That is exactly it. I am going to talk to sil and bil, I just need to get my ducks in a row first. I need to be ready for how they are going to twist it and turn it.

He cheated. That’s a fact

Agree completely.

How he chooses to handle this going forward says everything about his character and the kind of man he is.

Doesn't the fact that he cheated on his wife, cheated on the mother of his children, with his brother's wife, with the mother of his nieces and nephews, say a hell of a lot about his character?

If he handles the situation in a way that helps the OP, it means he is redeemable. Actually, it means he has the potential for being redeemable.

I just need to get my ducks in a row first. I need to be ready for how they are going to twist it and turn it

How would THEY twist and turn it? Isn't the problem the sister in law?

It's a shitty, shitty situation for your brother in law. This is his wife and brother. I hope you talk to him before his wife does. Good luck.

@Flnightmare - since you can't send PMs yet, I can help you with Fonelab on this thread if you like.

How would THEY twist and turn it? Isn't the problem the sister in law?

The SIL can deny anything happened. That FLNightmare is imaging things. She didn’t see what she saw. That she is mistaken.

The BIL may deny anything occurred b/c he was too drunk or doesn’t remember. Or he may decide to support his wife that “nothing” happened.

This can have huge repercussions on the family if the BIL and SIL choose to lie and deny the cheating occurred.

FLNightmare is doing the right thing by getting professional advice before confronting the family/in laws IMO.

@Flnightmare - since you can't send PMs yet, I can help you with Fonelab on this thread if you like.

I would like that very much. I have access to his Apple login and the phone itself.

Thank you

How would THEY twist and turn it? Isn't the problem the sister in law?

It is an odd family dynamic. Bil is the favorite, so by default so is SIL. Wh’s dad married when wh was a young teen and this is actually his half brother. I am fearful that in order to maintain that family dynamic the blame will be pushed on me... I’m exaggerating, stirring trouble, etc.

In the past some other behaviors from Sil have been ignored because mil/fil don’t want to do anything to upset their family unit.

It's a shitty, shitty situation for your brother in law. This is his wife and brother. I hope you talk to him before his wife does. Good luck.

I totally agree. However, I am not convinced he will think it is as bad as I do. He turns a blind eye to a lot of things from his wife I never would.

I understand that you are concerned about how this could go down, but you did nothing wrong in this and have every right to blow this crap up. Please do not rugsweep and please definitely confront. Your IC may guide you in that, but some therapists are not as good as others, so if this therapist says to do nothing, get a different therapist and still confront.

Oh no, my ic had encouraged me to do this. She has told me it is how I take back the power over the situation and the events. I have only seen her once and we focused on how to talk to the kids.

This week we will discuss this. It needs to be done. I will NOT carry the shame of someone else’s poor choices.