SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Since you're neighbors and everyone knows each other.

Why don't you and your wife walk across the street so your wife can confess and apologize to the OMS for sexting with her husband?

Would it embarrass your wife? Maybe ....but that's a consequence of her deceit and inappropriate behavior.

Tell the other man’s wife without telling your wife first.

She won’t tell neighbors. She’ll be embarrassed too.

It’s the right thing to do , PLUS it shuts any lingering affair activity down. Cheaters prefer to live under rocks, in the dark. They don’t like light

Yeah, the "respect" aspect is bullshit. I knew that right away. And the excuse that someone would have an afair, even though they love their wife and family, is full of crap.

She has been very upfront about answering all of my questions, even questions about details that I probably shouldn't have asked about (such as how large he was.... she said she thinks he is larger than average, but said it is hard to tell via video). There definitely was an emotional aspect to her side (in addition to the sexting) in the beginning, but she said that the experience kept on feeling more empty as she realized he was only using her to sext. She mentioned crying herself to sleep at night because she was full of shame, regret, and guilt. She says that he made it very clear that he didn't want their relationship to escalate, and that he said they were "just friends having some fun". She said as time went on, it became clear that he was only interested in sexting when he contacted her via snapchat. She says that she initiated it a few times after it started (in the beginning), but it was mostly him who initiated it. She also claims that she thought they only sexted five times in that 10 month period, but wasn't clear on exact numbers. She also mentioned that part of why she didn't cut it off sooner, like she wanted to, was because she was scared about his reaction and about telling me about their relationship before she could.

My gut before this post was that she probably is minimizing the number of times this happened. She said there was a 1-2 month stint where they didn't have any contact before it started up again on snapchat.

Could I see her not sharing the full details of what happened, because she knows it would hurt me? Yes, I definitely think this is possible. I think having her take a poly test would confirm if she is telling the truth, which I am leaning towards.

She has fully blocked him from all digital media. Is it possible for them to still be in contact? Yes. But I really see remorse in the way she talks and her actions, and I believe her when she says she has had no contact with him since DDay.

I understand where everyone is coming from. But given that this was done on snapchat in private, I doubt the OMW knows anything about what is going on... and this is partly based on how the OMW interacts with my wife (we saw her at a school event a week ago and they had a friendly chat).But this assumes they were only sexting, which the poly would help clarify.

I understand telling the OMW is the right thing to do, but I'm still not convinced it is the best option for our marriage, and that is my top priority above everything else.

What is making me reconsider telling the OMW is the idea that it shows my wife there are consequences to her actions. She is already extremely remoresful though, and I don't really want to cause her more pain (I know, I know... she should have thought about that before doing this, but I love this woman). But it is something I am reconsidering.

I'm not concerned about the NC with the AP, as he will get the idea when I make eye contact with him, ignore him, and when he realizes I blocked him on FB (the fact that she blocked him also probably has him wondering if she told me). He will understand what that means.

So I really have narrowed this down to two things I need to decide on:

- Whether to have her take a poly test.

- If I should tell the OMW.

I've read countless arguments/articles on whether to tell the OMW, and so I understand each side of the argument. Thanks again for the input!

[This message edited by bdiprecovery at 10:07 PM, October 21st (Monday)]

Do the poly 100%. Huge red flag if she gets mad or refuses. My WH argued that he got upset because he was worried he would get a false fail and I would divorce him. I should add that he passed, but he also had a freshly cleared browser history that day. He told me he thought about looking up how to pass one, but he didn't. Why would you need to look it up if you are telling the truth? And super convenient that I had no way to verify this.

[This message edited by layla1234 at 10:50 PM, October 21st (Monday)]

If she is as remorseful as you believe, then she will welcome the opportunity to take a poly. She will welcome....

The chance to prove her truthfulness.

The chance to put any fears or questions about the extent of her activities to rest.

The chance to give you peace of mind.

The chance to show you she being completely transparent.

Edited to add: Poly first. Get as much info nailed down before telling the OMW. That way if she asks for proof, you can tell her your wife took a polygraph and it revealed/confirmed x,y,z.

[This message edited by ramius at 12:24 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

So it's not just words but sending photos too? Across the street? So what makes you think there is not a stash of naked pictures of your wife that the om has secreted away, just waiting for the day for his wife to find them? Not to mention close ups, self touching, who knows what else?

Look, if he's sending photos of his dork, he's getting something back. No two adults can act like this for a year in this close proximity without taking it up a notch or two. And if she is emotionally attached, how can that be without long conversations about lots of things? But not in person?

Did you two socialize with him and his wife? How did this start?

Cmon man. You gotta take control here. Signaling to him that you know by not making eye contact is not going to get it. And by the way, what consequences has your W had. Other than talk, I see none here.

There are two ways to go here. You can march over and sit down with him and his wife, or you can poly her. But you must act. Act!

we saw her at a school event a week ago and they had a friendly chat

How very sad for that woman. Really. That is sad.

as he will get the idea when I make eye contact with him, ignore him, and when he realizes I blocked him on FB (the fact that she blocked him also probably has him wondering if she told me)

Actually the idea he will get is that you are afraid of him.

I really think not telling the OBS is because you are worried that your WW will leave you and for that I think you have to get over it. If she leaves you over having some consequences for this betrayal what kind of marriage do you have?

I'll just echo what everyone else here is saying. You don't know the half of what has gone on. You just don't. Look around on this site. The initial reveal is always minimized. They did not send videos of themselves for a year and not get together. It just doesn't happen. You are choosing to believe this because you want it to be true. I'm sorry but there is a lot more to this story. Tell the OBS and get that polygraph. You do not know what the truth is.

[This message edited by beenthereinco at 8:48 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

What is making me reconsider telling the OMW is the idea that it shows my wife there are consequences to her actions. She is already extremely remoresful though, and I don't really want to cause her more pain (I know, I know... she should have thought about that before doing this, but I love this woman).

With respect to EAs, your wife is a serial cheater. This isn't her first EA, at best this is the first time it's escalated to sexting.

You need to take strong action in order to prevent a relapse.

Her guilt and shame is something that failed to deter her in the past. She keeps relapsing.

Why will it be effective going forward?

Perhaps she confessed to you in an effort to reach out and ask for help because she knows she is addicted. And yes it's an addiction.

You love your children but you discipline them because you love them. Now you have to do the same for your wife.

Exposing the affair makes it real (not just a fantasy), not just public shame but including all the people that get hurt from an affair.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 9:10 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

So she claims only sexting. Only 5 times in 10 months. And that he said they were just friends having fun.

But then said she didn't end it,because she was afraid he would tell you about their relationship.

Relationship?

Sexting. Just friends. But she felt she was in a relationship with him.

And why would he tell you? I mean, he loves his wife,and respects you so much.

So,yeah. She is minimising. A lot.

Trusting anything she says, while she is actively lying to you about so many things, would be foolish.

Telling the OBS is the single BEST thing a BS, who wants reconciliation, can do. Especially when he lives across the street. It would be so easy to take it underground. Burner phones are cheap, and available at the dollar store.

Look at it this way. You want, and deserve the truth. Why do you think his wife doesn't deserve the truth? By not telling, he thinks he struck gold. He gets to have a affair with your wife, and you will protect his secret from his wife. You have become an accomplice in the deceit. He views you as weak. And that is a very dangerous position for a BH.

You said you understand the arguments for telling the posom's BS. They are mostly straightforward. The one people don't always talk about that is important to me is forcing karma's hand so he gets a small amount of payback.

If your wife is telling the truth, this guy initiated sharing sexual pictures with your wife. Even if they never actually had sex, which we have all cast some serious doubt upon, they did enough so she was emotionally taken with this guy on top of being sexually stimulated by him. He might as well have broken into your home, stolen your favorite belonging and kicked your dog hard in the ribs. Of course, if he'd done only that it would be much better than what he actually did do. And there's a damn good chance he also had sex with your wife! I mean, how does she get emotionally taken with him from a few episodes of sextng back and forth? There must have been more to it than that even if they never got physical.

The very least I would want to do in your situation is to expose him to his wife so he has to deal with some of what you are having to deal with. That is the absolute least he deserves. He deserves a hell of a lot more pain for infringing upon your marital relationship and the peace and sanctity of your home. Unfortunately, the law doesn't allow us to take it into our own hands and give these bastards what they deserve. So it has to be hands-off and you have to stay within the law.

Maybe there are a lot of people who don't agree with me but I feel like this perspective is a large reason why the other betrayed spouse needs to be told. I am not saying the other rationale are not important, of course they are. Making sure the affair is over, and doing the right thing to tell someone who is oblivious to being betrayed and may actually be betrayed again if they never find out are certainly important things to consider too.

But shit, do you want this guy to have absolutely no consequence after what he's done to you?

[This message edited by Trdd at 9:12 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

Don't let FEAR keep you from doing the right thing.

He will understand what that means.

So you have that look. Wow! He will be scared. (Not to mock you, but come on. He will see you not even saying anything to him as you backing down. Maybe even think you knew but now know too much or something else stupid.)

At a minimum you need this guy afraid of you. Cool, you don't want to burn your wife's reputation in the neighborhood.

Does your wife know this?

What does she say about fixing your reputation if this gets out?

What does she say about fixing the fact that you will live in fear of this guy? The same fear, shame, and guilt she has been living in.

You 2 need to do something. We are recommending what works for 99% of people. You want to try to be the 1%, that is ok. We will be here when you get back.

Good luck, but you need more than to block this guy.

Figure out where your wife is going to fix her problem. She needs to get some help because she thinks her old life is disposable. That requires self reflection and understanding what is broken inside.

Take a look at 1Brokenman's latest post on General. He was also advised to tell the OBS, finally did and the AP immediately quit his job where he was working with his WW. Not saying you'll have this outcome but the OM just might move away. At a minimum the OBS is going to make sure he stays away from your WW.

[This message edited by beenthereinco at 8:39 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

What you're doing is MAJOR RUGSWEEPING and we've seen it failed here time and time again, like someone else said, your WW is actually a SERIAL CHEATER, she admitted to having multiple EAs (possible PAs)for years, if you don't tackle this and grab the bull by the horns you will soon be in for a very rude awakening, we can only tell you proven ways to deal with this that have stood the test of time, if you chose to ignore some of the basics you are decreasing the chances of a "successful" R by a lot. Demand she gets tested for STDs immediatelly (you should too), and of course inform OBS without warning, another thing, just tell OM to back off, actually she needs to do it, all she has to do is unblock him for a minute and send the text and watch her send it, not that hard, she was sexting with him for crying out loud so how difficult can sending a text be ? inaction won't and buying your head in the sand won't help you get out of infidelity, schedule the poly.

I can only speak for myself but there’s no way possible I could stay living across the street from a man my wife had an affair with. I’d move as soon as possible and if that caused us any financial hardship I’d tell my wife those are consequences of her actions and she can get a second job for a year to make up for it. I promise when everything dies down he’s gonna try to get things going again. You can never have peace living there.

What jumps out from your posts is the repeated statement from your WW that the asshole didn't want the relationship to become physical. She would only know this if it were a topic of discussion between them. Since he didnt want it, logic suggests he didnt raise the question. Therefore, your WW raised it. Meaning she wanted it to go physical, but he declined.

By the way, tell the OBW. If the tables were turned and you found out that your WW, the AP, and hos OBW all knew about the A but kept this secret from you, how would you feel? Youd feel like a laughingstock, the butt of a cruel private joke. Dont be part of causing the OBW to endure that.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 2:40 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

bdip,

First, I want to say I am sorry you are here. But you will receive advice that will help you in these days, weeks and months of sheer hell.

I agree with Dismayed2012 in regards to your wife's statement about "being able to connect better with men". Your WS is using that belief to get friendly with men without using boundaries. I grew up with men in my family, was a tom boy, in tech sector, so had plenty of male friends around me most of my life but I can't live without my girl friends as they relate to me better than any man can.

My WH had a 4 month online EA and sexathon and trust me, if they were physically within close distance, they would have had sex. It didn't matter she was not his type, and he thought she was gross. He was on a high of erotic thoughts and behaviors that he never expressed before. It was like the sexting opened up a section of his perverted brain without a cap to stop the disgusting flow. The intensity of their sexting was unimaginably quick and perverse. He sent dick pictures the 1st week, she sent her masturbation video 2nd week, and her p*ssy pictures 3rd week and they started calls and videos, I love you's, we will be together forever, I miss you's, terms of endearments and so much more.

Your WS is in self preservation mode. You need to expose to the OBS. And you need a timeline. If you can get Snapchat history, try to get it through her account. Sometimes, things are in the saved section. She will need to do a lot of work to make you feel safe. She will need to be honest and forthcoming and patient.

You can't worry about the neighbors or the community. She didn't, when she decided to cheat on you. She made her decisions, it's up to her to fix it.

Edited to correct reference - WS.

[This message edited by TornInShock at 5:53 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

You need to change your topic from

"Recovery is hard"

to

"Discovery is hard".

It's become apparent that your wife's version of her affair is not accurate, or extremely minimized. Either way, there is obviously a lot more going on here, you are not even close to the truth.

It looks pretty clear you want your marriage back, and the good news is that it is possible. Your wife seems very remorseful, and that is a good start.

You need the whole truth to get there though. That looks a lot like a polygraph at this point. Not only this episode needs to be examined, but those prior dalliances. That will give you a foundation that you can build a lasting reconciliation on.

Finally, you need to tell the OBS. There are four people in this mess directly, and only one is outside. It is mean and disrespectful to leave her this way. She has a right to know, it is her marriage too, and you are the only one that can tell her honestly.

Good luck, these things are so very hard.