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Just Found Out :
Recovery is Hard

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fooled13years ( member #49028) posted at 9:39 PM on Monday, October 21st, 2019

bdiprecovery,

I don't know you or your wife but I have to tell you that my spidey-senses or redlining at this moment.

You seem like a nice guy and I understand that you want to believe the best that could possibly be out of this situation but I think you are being very naïve.

She had been having a sexting relationship with our neighbor for the past 10 months

10 months is a long time for more to not have happened.

She said there was a strong emotional connection to him

It was both, at the very least, (but I think more you don't know about yet) an emotional and sexting affair.

She revealed there were countless times that she wrote a message to him to cut if off, but she couldn't pull herself to sending it

It appears that your WW was/is more concerned about their relationship then about yours.

She said that he made it clear in not letting the relationship escalate

As she has not yet confessed to a PA is she saying that it would have been a PA if he would have let it?

because he loves his wife/family and respects me

Absolutely not to any of this for if he loves his wife/family and respects you he wouldn't have let any of this to happen.

I believe her when she said they never had physical sex, and that this is the only time she has been unfaithful in our 14-years of marriage (we have two kids: 11 years old and 8)

Your WW deceived you for at least 10 months without your knowledge, are you sure the children are yours?

She gave me 100% access to her phone and has answered all of my questions

How is this going to do you any good when

I haven't seen any of her sexting conversations, because they were all done via Snapchat (the messages get auto deleted)

Have you approached the OM?

Have you let the OBS know?

I work at home and help manage the salon where she works

If you had no idea that she was sexting him and didn't want it to end, how can you be certain she wasn't having sex with him?

The only way to have any peace about it is to have the poly done.

There is a recent post where a BH took his WW to have a poly even though she said she wanted to have it done. The WW confessed to so much more in the parking lot and to the examiner.

Look, I know this is tough. My former best friend and my ExWW carried on an affair and I had no idea.

I removed myself from infidelity and am happy again.

posts: 1042   ·   registered: Aug. 18th, 2015
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 bdiprecovery (original poster new member #71888) posted at 9:49 PM on Monday, October 21st, 2019

She has him blocked on all social media. His schedule is very sporadic, so it would be hard to unblock him for a short period of time and get a response. But it wouldn't be impossible.

I do get where you all are coming from, and the red flags you are seeing. This has definitely given me some things to think about.

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hardtomove ( member #68757) posted at 9:50 PM on Monday, October 21st, 2019

Please listen and follow. Tell the wife what do you have to be embarrasses about. You didn't cheat. Also your wife actions need to have consequences or believe me it will happen again. Been there done that

posts: 177   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018
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GoldenR ( member #54778) posted at 10:06 PM on Monday, October 21st, 2019

One of the biggest "go to" statements that WWs make when claiming it didn't go sexual is to say that "He wouldn't" usually coupled with "bc he respects you/me/our marriage too much".

This is always a lie.

Adults in an EA that have physical access to each other don't stop at sexting. They have sex.

posts: 2855   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: South Texas
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ramius ( member #44750) posted at 10:11 PM on Monday, October 21st, 2019

Just recently, on this site, there was a cheating wife. Who promised, who swore, who insisted she had told her BH everything. Over and over.

He was smart and insisted on a poly. She agreed to take it.

What was the result? A day of the test, (aka parking lot) confession. More sex happened than she admitted. Much more. She had lied about it all from day one, and only confessed when faced with failing the poly.

Demand it. And follow thru.

How many scars have you rationalized because you loved the person who was holding the knife?

Their actions reveal their intentions. Their words conceal them.

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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 10:14 PM on Monday, October 21st, 2019

I believe her when she said they never had physical sex, and that this is the only time she has been unfaithful in our 14-years of marriage (we have two kids: 11 years old and 8).

Listen she even admited that a couple of years ago she began to connect emotionally with other people, did you press her on that ? does that mean she had multiple EAs/PAs (most likely)?.

Bdiprecovery, we have read THOUSANDS of stories here on SI and other forums, and let me tell you, (and this is just me but I'm sure other poster will agree), I do not recall a single story where two APs lived across the street or next door, heck even in the same city where they had a sexting relationship for almost a year (could be much longer and she's minimizing) where it wasn't a PA or they didn't have sex, NONE, I can't recall a single one, is it possible they didn't have sex while sexting for 10 months and living across the street from one another ? yes it's possible, is it possible my son will be president of the U.S.A, also possible, what are the odds though ? the answer slim to none, if you believe this and take that as face value from the very person who was looking at you in the eyes every single day while cheating on you, then I'm afriad I have the proverbial bridge for sale at a discount just for you.

Just stop for a second and listen to this, at this point your M is a sham, the fact is that your WW is pining away for her boyfriend and you're allowing to take her sweet time to do it, at this point she's still in the A, at least in EA mode, therefore she's still actively cheating on you and like you said, she hasn't even officially ended her A with him, you should NOT allow this for another second, man up and do the following if you want to have a chance at R:

1) Tell OBS without warning, I can almost guarantee you they have some way of communication. This will give you a 2nd set of eyes to help with NC, it usually also makes the OM drop your WW like a hot rock and like the free piece of ass she probably was/is, also EXPOSE her A with ALL family and close friends and have her apologize for her huge betrayal.

2) Demand she gets tested for STDs (you should too), some can even be transmitted via saliva.

3) Have her write a complete timeline of the A.

4) Demand she sends an official NC FOREVER text/letter to OM, one that you approve, no sweet goodbyes, have her CC the letter/text to you (to keep it as proof of her cheating).

5) Consult a D attorney to know your legal rights and to see what it would look like, ask him if a postnuptial agreement is feasible in your state.

6) Send her to her parents for a few days, tell her it's very disrespectful for you to see her pining away for her lover, make sure your in laws know the truth, tell your kids in an age appropriate way like "mommy had a boyfriend across the street" have her apologize to them too (they were also betrayed).

7) Tell her to some A recovery books like "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

8) Tell her to go to IC to find out her "whys" and deal with them, forget MC for now, her A was 100% her choice and not your fault.

9) DO NOT be scared of her reaction or that of OMs/Obs, your WW caused and is allowing this mess.

Others will chime in with more suggestions, your case is not special or unique and indeed very common, so keep posting and listen to the collective wisdom of SI, we've seen this play out literally THOUSANDS of times, keep posting frequently, this is a crucial moment.

posts: 2738   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 10:28 PM on Monday, October 21st, 2019

You are getting excellent advice. I'm sure it's difficult to read. No one here wants to cause you more pain. We are trying to help you get to the truth. It's like we see you running toward the edge of a cliff, and we are all screaming at you to watch out.

Do not tell her about this site. The worst thing you can do is bring a still lying, unremorsrful WS here. This is your safe place.

But you are what you did
And I'll forget you, but I'll never forgive
The smallest man who ever lived..

posts: 6822   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
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 bdiprecovery (original poster new member #71888) posted at 10:48 PM on Monday, October 21st, 2019

I'm really having a hard time with some of this advice. It all presupposes that she is not being honest with me. Taking a polygraph test makes sense. But some of the other things make me wonder if that is going to help us rebuild our marriage.

It also assumes that she told me only because she had to, and it wasn't a conscious choice. If for example, I go behind her back and tell the OW about their relationship, what if she had no idea and couldn't tell me anything? I don't see how this is going to help our situation? What if they end up getting a divorce and this guy becomes more available without the marriage attachment? I don't think this guy would get violent, but I know he has guns and who knows what he would do if he feels cornered.

I don't think she is "pining away" for her AP. She clearly had an emotional connection with him, wouldn't it make sense for it to take some time to move on?

She has said she would be willing to have us move if that is necessary. She is willing and doing anything she can as part of the recovery... so I am unsure if the aggressive approach is the smart tactic here?

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Mene ( member #64377) posted at 10:57 PM on Monday, October 21st, 2019

So, you’re going to sit back and let this asshole get away with having a EA/PA cause he has guns?

You’re worried he’ll divorce and become more available to your wife? If you fear this, you have no marriage. Please don’t say this to your wife, you’ll come across as weak and intimidated.

Tell his wife. NOW. From “he respects me and my family” to “he has guns and I don’t know what he’ll do” is contradictory.

You’re going through and will go through a lot of emotions over the next few months. You will question yourself many times. What you need to show your wife is you’re not afraid of anyone and that you will make decisive decisions irrespective whether this guy has some guns, tanks or an F-18. You will not be intimidated because if you show that it puts the other man in a better and stronger position in your wife’s eyes.

There are a lot of red flags here and I’d be really surprised if this didn’t end up being a PA. You’ll be in the 1%. I hope that’s the case for you. We all do here but time and time again we see what the BS thinks is a EA turn out to be a PA. Your wife is protecting the son of a bitch.

Life wasn’t meant to be fair...

posts: 874   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2018   ·   location: Cyberland
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 bdiprecovery (original poster new member #71888) posted at 11:03 PM on Monday, October 21st, 2019

She claimes that he said he didn't want to escalate things because he loves his wife/family and respects me (I have doubts on how much those things are true). I'm not concerned about physical violence against me, I just don't want my kids to get in the middle of it.

I do see what you are saying. If sex didn't happen here it definitely is the exception. It's got me thinking about things, and I need more time to process my thoughts.

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Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 11:06 PM on Monday, October 21st, 2019

It is ok to be skeptical of the harsher advice here. Take what you need, skip the rest.

However, I like how you are at least considering things. It is very good news that your wife confessed and is showing remorse. I would not want to jeopardize that. Still, a polygraph shouldn't if she is really remorseful. Neither should telling the OBS or a strict NC letter. If she loves you and has real remorse she will do what it takes to make you heal.

I will reinforce that most WS minimize about the sex. And in your case it would be one in a thousand that would not have gotten physical. I am not sure sexting alone would make her miss him. I think real contact is the far more likely culprit.

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Gutpunch ( member #63088) posted at 11:07 PM on Monday, October 21st, 2019

I can see where telling her sux and is hard to do but it is the right thing to do. She deserves to know period.

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Fishin4happyness ( member #70153) posted at 11:13 PM on Monday, October 21st, 2019

We all know how very hard this is. But if you let fear dictate your actions here, things will get worse, not better. Nearly everyone had those same fears. It's time to harden up a little or you are leaving this gas line open with the shut-off valve within reach. Right now his wife could be assisting their cheating without even knowing. Telling the OBS will only assist your chances of the cheaters pulling their heads out of their asses. Your thinking, although normal for us all in the beginning, is flawed.

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 bdiprecovery (original poster new member #71888) posted at 11:14 PM on Monday, October 21st, 2019

I think she would be willing to do all of that, based on our previous conversations. But I haven't brought up a polygraph test. I appreciate all the input so far!

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Mene ( member #64377) posted at 11:23 PM on Monday, October 21st, 2019

It’s important to tell the OBS. In that way, two pairs of eyes are monitoring.

Plus, it puts an end to the EA/PA very quickly. He’ll dump your wife in a flash to save his marriage.

If he respects you like you say he wouldn’t be sexting with your wife. The respect thing is just bullshit.

Life wasn’t meant to be fair...

posts: 874   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2018   ·   location: Cyberland
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survrus ( member #67698) posted at 11:23 PM on Monday, October 21st, 2019

pdiprecovery,

BTW one of the OM tricks to get their target to have an affair with them, is to tell them how much they love their wife and family. It's part of the "I'm such a great guy" family of lies. I suspect your WW still has a positive opinion about OM.

What I suspect about OM is that he is a serial OM who is good at seducing women and covering his tracks. He is also cocky about his ability to get away with it, or he would not have had an affair so close to home.

You or the OM need to move away, your kids can no longer play together or you will be triggered to high heaven. An affair changes relationships permanently.

Yes tell the OMW gather up all your evidence first then present her with a package.

Buy your own gun, if you are lucky enough to live in a concealed carry state get a permit.

posts: 1554   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 11:59 PM on Monday, October 21st, 2019

Listen let's get a few things out of the way shall we ?

OM did not respect his wife (she was cheatin on her with yours), much less you, even if (and that's a very big IF) what your WW says is true, do you really think sexting your neighbor's wife is a sign of "respect", of course NOT !!!

If for example, I go behind her back and tell the OW about their relationship, what if she had no idea and couldn't tell me anything? I don't see how this is going to help our situation?

What if she did have more info ? but regardless of that, first of all, it's the right thing to do, you would probably want to know if you were in her shoes, plus typically, she would provide a 2nd set of yes to help insure NC, it also typically forces OM to stay away from your WW in order to save his own M, again, we've seen this play out THOUSANDS of times.

What if they end up getting a divorce and this guy becomes more available without the marriage attachment?

If this guy not being available is all that's holding your M together then you don't have one anyway and it's confirmation that it is a sham, if so the sooner you find out the better so that you can protect yourself emotionally, legally and financially.

I don't think this guy would get violent, but I know he has guns and who knows what he would do if he feels cornered

There is a reason cheaters keep their A a secret, they fear consequences, what a bigger consequence than being put in jail for just a free piece of ass ? again after Thousands of stories I don't recall one where the OM went out guns blazing after being exposed to OBS, he will be busy getting away from you and trying to save his M, it's clear he didn't want to leave his wife for yours, so he will be in "saving his ass mode" for a long time, who knows it may be him who is forced to move out, you don't even have to confront him in person if you don't want to, just make sure OBS knows TODAY and without warning to OM or your WW.

We tell you these things because even though every case is different, cheaters follow a very similar script, and we see it happen over and over and over again, almost every single day here.

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Babette2008 ( member #69126) posted at 2:46 AM on Tuesday, October 22nd, 2019

Hi bdip,

Don't let the fact that your wife confessed blind you. My H confessed to an affair but minimized and directly lied about the extent of his infidelity until I found documented evidence. He was also very remorseful when he confessed and wanted us to stay together. At first I completely believed him. He was sincerely remorseful, that was true, and his remorse actually increased as he took ownership for his actions. He never cheated on me after his confession and 3 years later we are doing well. BUT he lied like a rug about his affairs. I know that some of the posts here sound harsh, but she is probably minimizing or outright lying - they almost always do. Until they can face what they did and be honest your reconciliation is built on sand.

posts: 251   ·   registered: Dec. 14th, 2018
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 3:30 AM on Tuesday, October 22nd, 2019

You are not being aggressive by notifying the OMS.

You are being assertive. It's what a spouse does to preserve and protect their family.

Affairs thrive in the dark - and are destroyed when exposed.

Will the OM divorce and run off with your wife?

Doubtful. 99% of the time he's just enjoying a side piece and has no intention of leaving his family.

Will the OM be violent? Why? Why would he not expect you to notify his wife? That's the chance he took when he reached out to your wife.

Your wife will continue to push these 'EAs' of hers until you show zero tolerance. She has to believe (really believe) that you will divorce her unless she stops.

posts: 2599   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 3:35 AM on Tuesday, October 22nd, 2019

It's been 5 weeks?

How long have they gone in the past without texting?

It's difficult to believe the OM isn't reaching out to her.

No physical sex? So no kissing or touching of any kind?

Did they ever meet alone face to face?

posts: 2599   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
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