SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It was 5 weeks ago that my wife revealed to me what was going on.

She had been having a sexting relationship with our neighbor for the past 10 months. The last time was two weeks ago before that point, and she had not cut it off yet. She said that it started by him sending messages to her via snapchat. And the conversation escalated. She said there was a strong emotional connection to him, but that she was full of regret, guilt, and shame every time it happened. She revealed there were countless times that she wrote a message to him to cut if off, but she couldn't pull herself to sending it. She said that he made it clear in not letting the relationship escalate because he loves his wife/family and respects me. She said that it became clear to he was only interested in the sexting aspect of their relationship.

I believe her when she said they never had physical sex, and that this is the only time she has been unfaithful in our 14-years of marriage (we have two kids: 11 years old and 8).

On the relationship level, we are closer now than we have ever been. But I'm struggling with huge amounts of anxiety, and I am wondering if I can ever trust her again.

She gave me 100% access to her phone and has answered all of my questions. I know the recovery takes time. But I wanted to get some perspectives from other people:

1) Sometimes I find myself waking up in the middle of the night. I'll sneak her phone and take a look at her apps. She has said I can look at her phone anytime, but is this a violation of her privacy? She hasn't done anything shady, but I just want to see confirmation that my trust in her is valid.

2) I'm hyper-paranoid about her relationships with other guys. She connects better with other males. She has said that a few years ago she started allowing herself to emotionally connect with other guys. There was one guy that said he was gay, but turns out he is probably bi that crossed some boundaries 2 years ago (hitting on her when he is drunk, etc.). Nothing happened there, and I believe her when she says she is going to protect her marriage. But I still am hyper-paranoid about her relationships with other guys. Is this normal?

3) It is clear she still has an emotional connection to to her AP. She said that she will briefly think about him 1-2 times per week. I know it will take time for her to get over him, but how long do you think this usually takes?

4) The fact that this guy is a neighbor that lives across the street (we can see his house from our porch), makes me really nervous. It should be easy to avoid direct contact with him, but I'm still nervous about being so close to him. She has blocked him 100% from her phone but hasn't cut it off directly with him (where she has told him it is over). I've thought a lot about this, and I think the best option is to not contact him or his spouse... mainly because if I do that, I give him power. The next time we make eye contact, and when he realizes I've blocked him from FB, I think he will know that I know. Is this the smartest way to handle this? Part of me thinks that having my wife contact him somehow to directly cut it off (whether through me or someone else), might help her move on, but I keep on going back and forth on this.

5) My biggest struggle is her ability to internalize what she is feeling and put this mask on to hide where she is at. I know this is part of the recovery process, but the fact that this happened for 10 months really bothers me. I know a big part of the problem was our marriage wasn't a safe place for each of us, and so solving that problem should be the top priority. But then I wonder if I can ever really know if she is telling me what she is thinking.

I understand that this would probably hurt even more if they had physical sex, but this feels as close to having a physical affair as you can get. I'm grateful it didn't turn into that, but I keep on thinking that if this guy wanted to take it to the next level, she probably would have done it. I also wonder if she allowed this to happen because she secretly wants out our marriage.

But then I realize that she told me this information. I didn't discover it. Which means that she does want to stay with me. That was she did was brave. And that gives me hope. that we can recover from this.

Sexting for 10 months. Neighbours. They didn’t have sex. You believe her. Read that again. Are you trying to convince yourself this is the case?

[This message edited by Mene at 1:07 PM, October 21st (Monday)]

If you polygraph her, you most probably will get a different response regarding whether she had sex.

A lot of the times on this forum many BS want to desperately believe (and it is coming via your post evidently) their spouse didn’t have sex.

They sexted for 10 months. They are neighbours. What do you really think happened, especially if she’s shared with you that she had feelings for him? Adults don’t just engage in sexting when they live a few feet from each.

Have you told the OBS? You should do this ASAP.

[This message edited by Mene at 1:13 PM, October 21st (Monday)]

Hello Bdip, I'm sorry you have found yourself in our club. I have a couple of questions to enable us to better understand your situation. Rest assured you are not alone and your situation is not unique to many thousands of us.

You must insist your wife write a no contact letter to the AP (Affair Partner). You must tell the AP's wife. It brings the darkness into the light. Your number 2 bullet point is disturbing. I believe your wife will need IC (individual counseling) to figure that out. Does your wife work outside the home? Have you read any of the sexting conversations? Other than your wife's word how sure the affair did not become physical?

Many of our astute and supremely knowledgable members will be along to offer advice and supporting.

Hello Bdip, I'm sorry you have found yourself in our club. I have a couple of questions to enable us to better understand your situation. Rest assured you are not alone and your situation is not unique to many thousands of us.

You must insist your wife write a no contact letter to the AP (Affair Partner). You must tell the AP's wife. It brings the darkness into the light. Your number 2 bullet point is disturbing. I believe your wife will need IC (individual counseling) to figure that out. Does your wife work outside the home? Have you read any of the sexting conversations? Other than your wife's word how sure the affair did not become physical?

Many of our astute and supremely knowledgable members will be along to offer advice and supporting.

[This message edited by Daysgnbye at 1:19 PM, October 21st (Monday)]

I really don't think they had physical sex. Her story checks out without any reason for me to believe that is not the case. I work at home and help manage the salon where she works (I see her client schedule), and it would have been much more difficult to hide a physical relationship. But I do see how this is definitely a possibility.

I haven't thought about doing a polygraph test, because I do believe her. But now I'm wondering if I need to do that?

My wife works out of the home in a salon.

I haven't seen any of her sexting conversations, because they were all done via Snapchat (the messages get auto deleted).

I've talked to her a ton, and I really don't think anything physical happened. She mentioned that he was very direct in saying he didn't want it to escalate, and I think it was all about the sexting for him.

I'm torn about whether to send him a NC letter or to contact his spouse. I know that I would want to know if I was her, but I also am nervous about the consequences of doing this. We live in a very tight-nit community with our own business, and our girls love the neighborhood. She is casual friends with his spouse.

I'm sensitive to this because I also don't want to hurt the recovery. So I'm not sure what to do.

Your first response should be to tell the other man's wife what's been going on. Don't allow this betrayal to reside in the dark. That's the surest way for it to continue or start again with another man. Also, your wife's boundaries (if she has any) suck. It's bull to believe that she just happens to 'connect' better with men. She 'connects' with men instead of women for a reason. Her behavior isn't innocent. You need to establish boundaries for her until such time as she feels the need to maintain them on her own. Also, as others have said, it would be unusual (not impossible) for her to not have had at least a 'quickie' with the other man. You're making a mistake if you are believing her minimizing of what took place. Something happened to cause her to tell you. That something is likely that she took the affair to the physical level and/or someone found out and she wanted to tell you first. Listen to the experienced folks on this forum. Don't sweep this under the rug and don't be so quick to reconcile, especially while there are still unanswered questions. Take care of yourself.

Telling his wife is the most effective way to end this.

If not you'll just linger.

Plus innaction can enable it further.

My guess is, his wife found some of the messages,and he told her it was sexting, nothing more. Then he and your wife got their story straight,and she told you the same thing he told his wife.

Very, very rarely, when distance isn't a factor, there is sex. They're adults who are talking dirty to each other, and are in very close proximity. They behaved as adults in these situations do.

That you think she had no time is a false sense of security. You can not account for her every minute of every day. There's trips to the grocery store, out with friends, needing to run an errand,etc.

Ask yourself this. She had no problem with lying to you,multiple times every day,for nearly a year. So why on Earth would you believe what she has told you now? Answer..because the truth is too painful. You need to believe her because to not believe her means more pain.

I agree with the polygraph. If she is telling the truth, she will take it with no problem.

You need to call his wife. Compare stories. More of the truth will shake out.

Ask her to take a poly and watch her reaction. Also, if he was my neighbor, I would confront him in person!!!!

Best,

Bigheart

[This message edited by Bigheart2018 at 1:55 PM, October 21st (Monday)]

Her comments about the OM stating he didn't want it to escalate to a PA is a red flag?

Why? Because it sounds like something he said to his wife after he got caught.

Tell the OBS without warning your wife.

Sexting is not harmless. It is addictive and tends to escalate within weeks. Texting stimulates the same high as a narcotic and is very very difficult to stop. Don't assume they won't start again next month.

Have her prepare a written timeline of daily conversation and pics - subject to a polygraph test. The prospect of a polygraph discourage s lying and cover up... especially regarding PA.

Talk to the OBS ....if only to determine if she already caught them. That's critical info in responding to your wife as to R or D .... And rebuilding trust.

I think asking her if she would take a polygraph test is a good move. See how she responds. If I see hesitation, I will probably have her take it.

I understand that skepticism about them only sexting and not taking it to another level. And I was definitely more unsure about this earlier.

But you all have brought up some good points. If she was willing to hide this from me for 10 months, it is definitely possible that she hasn't told me the full truth.

As a guy, I definitely can relate to seeing how sexting can escalate very quickly (even though I have never done this), and I don't understand how it couldn't in this case. Maybe I am being too naive and reconciling too quickly.

She definitely is not shrugging this off as "nothing happened" or anything like that. She is very remorseful and is taking the blame for what happened. We've set up strict boundaries and are communicating much more than we were before.

The idea that she told me because she had to never really crossed my mind. She told me right after we went to an incredible marriage workshop (marriage helper), and the coach over there said that she telling me what happened showed me how much she doesn't want to do this and wants to be with me.

I've given her many opportunities to tell me the full truth, but this is making me question whether or not I do have the full truth.

I'm nervous about how everything will go down if I tell his spouse. She could end up telling other people in the community, and it could end up getting back to our kids somehow. The AP could get defensive and/or physically agressive, or tell people lies about me or my wife.

But the flip side is I'm concerned that if I don't do something like this, it increases the chances of either of them not moving on. So I'm really torn on what to do.

I didn't even think that if I told her that she could communicate with him somehow and they could get their story straight (or that maybe they've already done this). Thanks for pointing that out.

The OBS needs to be told. There are lots of reasons. The biggest one is that it is the right thing to do. You would want to be told if it were you. Having the rest of the neighborhood know is a price your WW may have to pay. Actually the other guys in the neighborhood should probably know this guy is out their prowling around for an AP.

The other reason that she should be told is that she can help you end it. You'll have two sets of eyes looking out for this if you tell her. It can't hurt. Also if you tell her, and don't tell your WW you are going to do it, then you will know immediately if your WW has really blocked communication with the OM.

I am of the mind that this needs to be told and that your WW needs to definitively end things with the OM. You need to see and approve any message to him and it should be very clear that the relationship is over. I would insist on this. The passive blocking of him just leaves it open to start back up whenever she wants. Drive this thing into the light of day and kill it!

Her reaction to taking a polygraph means nothing. Think about it. Only a fool would say no. Because then it's obvious they're still lying. Most WS say yes. Because they don't believe their BS will follow through. Always follow through.

The most recent example here, of a WS saying yes to a poly, is LifeDestroyer on the wayward forum. She swore she had told him the truth. Over and over

He followed through. The night before the test, she started to tell him the real truth. However, she lied right up until she was across from the administrator, when she told the admin even more truth.

Schedule the test.

Understand, this isnt about skepticism. It's about hard earned knowledge. We have seen your exact situation hundreds of times. Affairs, and the people involved in them, aren't very unique. They follow a pattern. No one here wants to be right. But 99% of the time, we are spot on.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:16 PM, October 21st (Monday)]

How long until the emotional connection is broken?

Every time she sees his face it will trigger the feel good sensation that he gave her with his texts. Maybe every time she looks at his house, car, wife, or kids.

And every time she sees him the timer is reset to zero. Living across the street from the OM is going to be an ongoing problem.

One benefit of exposing to the OBS and your neighbors is everyone will be watching the 2 cheaters.

She has said that a few years ago she started allowing herself to emotionally connect with other guys.

In other words, she recognized that she was wandering over boundaries with different men and choose to pursue that rather than honor her marital vows. You should definitely read Not Just Friends to understand how very damaging that mindset is to marriage. Unless/until your wife practices establishing and maintaining boundaries with others, your marriage will be hollow.

She said that she will briefly think about him 1-2 times per week. I know it will take time for her to get over him, but how long do you think this usually takes?

So you are worried about how long it will take your wife to get over her hopefully (ex) boyfriend? You are worried about the wrong thing. You should be thinking about the fact that it will probably take you over a year to feel safe in your marriage -- probably longer and every time she tells you that she misses him will extend that. If you are aware that she's mourning her "loss", she's going the motions, showing regret but not remorse.

She could end up telling other people in the community, and it could end up getting back to our kids somehow.

That's what happens when people cheat, there's collateral damage. Unless the other wife is made aware of their inappropriate "friendship", you are a sitting duck for resumption and escalation.