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Struggling

Ganondorf posted 10/17/2019 12:55 PM

When loving someone hurts, you're loving too much.

I'm really struggling with being alone.

It's a cycle of two scenarios:

1. A new attractive person enters my life one way or another. I want to try, but convince myself not to. And that eats away at me.


or

2. I invest energy into someone that invests nothing/little back and become frustrated and unhappy. I feel somewhat strung along. When I see what's happening I want to just walk away but can't.

Someone mentioned love bombing as a red flag. I think I sort of do that, but it's because I fall hard and fast. I'm enthusiastic, it's how I think. I just want to set myself apart from the avg guy while finding creative ways to make someone smile.

So... I don't know how to go slow.

It's just... sad. Hard. I don't know how to detach. I need... someone. I need to feel some love and warmth in my life.

Going back and forth between 1 and 2 is just eating away at me. My friends and coworkers compliment me. My best friend thinks I'm amazing simply because I'd capable of seeing someone else's child as one of my own.

And yet, nobody I'm interested in even returns those feelings. It's like some sick joke everyone else is in on.

I'm staying away from alcohol, but SD thoughts keep finding their way in. Im not going to do anything. Writing this is also a way to help me relieve some of that urge. But I'm definitely feeling very tired with everything emotionally.

[This message edited by Ganondorf at 12:56 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]

Hopeful Lady posted 10/17/2019 14:05 PM

Hugs Ganondorf. I donít have enough dating experience lately to be of much help on this question. Do you have a friend you can discuss this with? One thing Iíve found very helpful in this new life is choosing a friend who knows me well and whose judgment and advice I trust and being willing to talk to her about my dating experiences. Sheís been very helpful. The two men I mentioned n my original post - this friend told me there was something off about the first one so be very careful and she told me the guy Iím currently dating is a good one for me right now and I should keep going.

Also the idea of not approaching women, whatís the worst that will happen? Sheíll say no and you move on?

On the plus side, I am very attracted to men who make me laugh and many women are - I see that as a plus for you.

[This message edited by Hopeful Lady at 2:08 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]

Hutch posted 10/17/2019 14:58 PM

Ganondorf,

Virtual hug sent your way. Iím in the process of D. These are similar thoughts that have come to mind. Youíre not alone on that.

So even though Iím terrible at my own advice, I first try to find positives.

1. Youíre putting yourself out there. I think that one day Iíll have to do the same thing and Iím not even sure where to begin. Youíre finding your way. So kudos. I know it doesnít feel like that now.

2. Thereís many women who desire a person who is loving and forward. Again, someone for everyone. Itís an exercise in patience but the trick is not becoming hurt and cynical.

I think itís normal to want and desire companionship and eventual love. It can take time to build though especially if someone has been hurt in the past. Iíd like to think Iím a catch for someone and one day Iíll find that person, but the reality is, it will take time. It does take time. Same for you.

Lastly, donít apologize for who you are. Itís okay to be wired to feel deeply. Weíre all different. Just know that it can take time for that other person and if you find they have the qualities youíre wanting, be patient. Itís most likely worth the wait. Just make sure your goals and desires for the relationship are on the same page. No sense in wasting time and feelings if they have different goals than you.

Your friends clearly think youíre a catch. Believe it and keep trying.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 10/17/2019 16:24 PM

Your comment regarding love bombing resonated with me:

I think I sort of do that, but it's because I fall hard and fast. I'm enthusiastic, it's how I think. I just want to set myself apart from the avg guy while finding creative ways to make someone smile.

I think I used to do that too. Only with my XWH did I not do that. I took it slow. Our courtship was long - over 5 years and a lot of distance. Only when I felt "secure" did I jump in, and look what it got me? I looked at your profile and it said it perfectly: "My story [too]... doesn't really matter. We all know the pain one way or another." Before I was much more of a love bomber myself - I think some of that comes with a scary mental state and some of that comes with feeling free and trusting - never realizing that this could be the result of that open-ness that fearlessness. You should be happy that at least this hasn't taken that away from you. I think for me, it has crushed that - demolished it to pieces.

I also understand your feelings of wanting someone. I was the happiest most carefree single alone person there was. I'm told I'm the epitome of success for a woman: good career, funny, open to adventure, not tied down and able to move anywhere, caring and compassionate, tall and thin, and someone that I communicated with IRL that swapped pictures with to potentially attend a meeting said beautiful (she said "of course you're beautiful too - you will be fine in the long run - you'll see" which made me want to punch her out as my looks - which are not spectacular by any stretch - did not keep me from this). But I don't feel any of those things. I feel completely disgarded, alone, stuck in my job, and ultimately afraid of even thinking about ever being with anyone again.

My point is that I used to be happy about being alone. I loved my life. I traveled wherever I wanted whenever I wanted (within reason). I went out. Had friends. Lived my life and felt good about myself and honestly was a little hesitant to give all of that up to commit to my relationship and M with him, which is part of the reason it took so long to do it. But I decided when I did it, that I was going to go "all in" - and when things were good, it was better than any of those times on my own. I was a convert to the whole partners-for-life thing I had avoided for so long (we did not M until my early 40s - we met when I was 37).

Now, I'm almost 50 - and I'm looking at "being alone" in this new horrible way. I've had all that freedom and I don't want it back. So, I totally feel your emotional tiredness. I only wish I had been like others and ended this madness and been divorced after d-day1. I think I would have felt different, but these last 2 years have taken their toll on me. I don't feel old, I just feel tired and beaten down.

So, this is my long winded way of saying I can relate to your struggle. I don't know how long you've been divorced, but the fact that you are willing to put yourself out there is good. It's good you can manage that. I'm looking forward to your story later that you found someone, as it all feels very hopeless right now to me too, and I would love to see that happen.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 4:27 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]

crazyblindsided posted 10/17/2019 17:04 PM

Only with my XWH did I not do that. I took it slow. Our courtship was long - over 5 years and a lot of distance. Only when I felt "secure" did I jump in, and look what it got me?

Wow this is the same with me. Every other relationship I just jumped right into. I had come out of a physically abusive relationship and met my STBX. We were together 5 years before we married.

Dating won't be on the table for awhile for me.

Phoenix1 posted 10/17/2019 17:33 PM

I'm sorry you are struggling.

I need... someone. I need to feel some love and warmth in my life.

I would encourage you to really dig deep with this ^^^ and ask yourself why that is. Why do you "need" someone in your life to feel complete? Focus on yourself, and what's missing, to feel whole as an individual. Once you do that, you won't "need" someone and will find that you just "want" someone in your life. Those are completely different desires. Needing someone is needing external validation and, without it, you don't feel whole because they are filling some gap. However, when you want someone else in your life, but don't necessarily need them, it then becomes icing on an already whole cake. It's a bonus, if you will.

When you come off as a love bomber or, as you said, jumping in hard and fast, that actually scares a lot of women off. I know it does with me. It screams "neediness," and I don't want that kind of person in my life. I had enough of that with Xhole. What I want is someone that is someone that is whole as a person, comfortable with themselves, not looking to me to fill some kind of needy emptiness (that was Xhole). But I don't "need" someone in my life. What I found was my SO, whom is totally opposite of Xhole. My SO is not needy, and did not come on strong in the early stages. We are both comfortable being alone, but we enjoy being together as well. Being together is that nice little bonus I mentioned above. Not necessary, but just nice to have.

Focus on things you enjoy doing. Resurrect old hobbies, find new ones, volunteer, join Meet Up groups, learn a new skill. There are many things you can do to fill that alone time that can become very personally fulfilling. In the course of focusing on you, you may encounter new friendships with like-minded folks. One of those friendships could blossom. You just never know, but it is worth exploring. However, don't make the "finding someone new" your goal. Finding your complete self should be the goal. Anything else is a bonus.

Hang in there. This is tough stuff, but you can never go wrong focusing on yourself for a while.

MelisssaZZZ posted 10/18/2019 10:29 AM

Ouch ! Omg I hear you.

I also fall hard and fast and then become insecure and start questioning the relationship..

People are different and I would not love anything else then this but then again majority of people would not like it.

Itís about attachment styles.. I have anxious attachment style and unfortunately have to live and hopefully find love one day with it.

I have just hired a relationship / dating coach (2nd one). And this time itís helping .. whilst the previous was focused on attracting people (that is not a problem) this one was more internally looking.

She was saying to focus more on what you want from potential partner. Almost like lists and dealbreakers. Then when you meet only takers you will know that you donít want them in your life anyways and therefore the Ďbreak upí will not be as painful. And it will also help you to pace yourself as you will be thinking and focusing on whether the other person actually fits the bill for you...

Hope this helps

J707 posted 10/18/2019 11:55 AM

I agree with Phoenix1, focus on yourself. I so desperately missed being with a partner after Dday, like I needed to fill that part of me with a new relationship. I'm glad I didn't. I'm single for the first time in my adult life and have no desire to try and fill that anymore. Continual focus on myself, my kids and doing whatever the hell I want to is awesome! I have freedom. Sure I miss all the stuff about a relationship but I'm trusting my process and enjoying where I'm going with it. Will a new lady come into my life unexpectedly while I'm out enjoying my life and hobbies, maybe. But I'm not chasing or wanting anything. Become comfortable with yourself and being alone first.

Hopeful Lady posted 10/18/2019 17:50 PM

I'm glad I didn't. I'm single for the first time in my adult life and have no desire to try and fill that anymore. Continual focus on myself, my kids and doing whatever the hell I want to is awesome! I have freedom. Sure I miss all the stuff about a relationship but I'm trusting my process and enjoying where I'm going with it. Will a new lady come into my life unexpectedly while I'm out enjoying my life and hobbies, maybe. But I'm not chasing or wanting anything. Become comfortable with yourself and being alone first.

I just had to comment that I could have written this post. Being able to do whatever I want whenever I want without thinking about or checking in with another adult, for me is the best feeling ever for now.

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