Your comment regarding love bombing resonated with me:
I think I sort of do that, but it's because I fall hard and fast. I'm enthusiastic, it's how I think. I just want to set myself apart from the avg guy while finding creative ways to make someone smile.
I think I used to do that too. Only with my XWH did I not do that. I took it slow. Our courtship was long - over 5 years and a lot of distance. Only when I felt "secure" did I jump in, and look what it got me? I looked at your profile and it said it perfectly: "My story [too]... doesn't really matter. We all know the pain one way or another." Before I was much more of a love bomber myself - I think some of that comes with a scary mental state and some of that comes with feeling free and trusting - never realizing that this could be the result of that open-ness that fearlessness. You should be happy that at least this hasn't taken that away from you. I think for me, it has crushed that - demolished it to pieces.
I also understand your feelings of wanting someone. I was the happiest most carefree single alone person there was. I'm told I'm the epitome of success for a woman: good career, funny, open to adventure, not tied down and able to move anywhere, caring and compassionate, tall and thin, and someone that I communicated with IRL that swapped pictures with to potentially attend a meeting said beautiful (she said "of course you're beautiful too - you will be fine in the long run - you'll see" which made me want to punch her out as my looks - which are not spectacular by any stretch - did not keep me from this). But I don't feel any of those things. I feel completely disgarded, alone, stuck in my job, and ultimately afraid of even thinking about ever being with anyone again.
My point is that I used to be happy about being alone. I loved my life. I traveled wherever I wanted whenever I wanted (within reason). I went out. Had friends. Lived my life and felt good about myself and honestly was a little hesitant to give all of that up to commit to my relationship and M with him, which is part of the reason it took so long to do it. But I decided when I did it, that I was going to go "all in" - and when things were good, it was better than any of those times on my own. I was a convert to the whole partners-for-life thing I had avoided for so long (we did not M until my early 40s - we met when I was 37).
Now, I'm almost 50 - and I'm looking at "being alone" in this new horrible way. I've had all that freedom and I don't want it back. So, I totally feel your emotional tiredness. I only wish I had been like others and ended this madness and been divorced after d-day1. I think I would have felt different, but these last 2 years have taken their toll on me. I don't feel old, I just feel tired and beaten down.
So, this is my long winded way of saying I can relate to your struggle. I don't know how long you've been divorced, but the fact that you are willing to put yourself out there is good. It's good you can manage that. I'm looking forward to your story later that you found someone, as it all feels very hopeless right now to me too, and I would love to see that happen.
[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 4:27 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]