And I CANNOT get out of my own head. I thought I was "over" this!!! The trauma of the past betrayal is so strong that I am automatically skeptical of this loving man's motivations, and I can't POSSIBLY believe that he would love ME.
I had a HUGE problem with this when I started dating, and even more so when I eventually found someone to love. Luckily, I was still in therapy at the time. Here are a few of the helpful things my shrink told me:
1. Remember that YL (my girlfriend) is NOT The Princess (my ex). She is a totally different person, and I need to get to know her for all her plusses and minuses. It's like flipping a coin, the side that it landed on for the last flip, doesn't affect the probability of the next flip.
2. YL deserves the right to earn a good "credit rating" for all the good things, and lack of bad things, that she does. That credit rating should be taken into account when she eventually screws up and does something bad, instead of me just saying, "Well, it finally happened!", and deciding this is also a bad relationship.
3. I do not have the power to turn nice women into abusive cheaters. That's how some people choose to behave, independent of who they're with.
4. While I should always be aware of patterns of how she's treating me, it is tiring and unhealthy to be constantly wary.
5. Look at the evidence - the hard physical evidence. Never mind the things my brain is telling me.
6. Most importantly, it's never too late to get out of a bad relationship. If your analysis at a later date tells you this is bad, it won't matter that you've put so much time into it it will hurt, but you'll know that leaving is the best option.
None of this is saying you should ignore your gut, but try to look at everything that is happening in the light of this being a brand new person.
A book that really helped me is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Dummies. It helped me to realize there are multiple ways to read a situation, and that defaulting to the bad way is an easy trap to fall into. Changing your thought patterns is huge.
Also, when I started dating YL, I told her my entire history, and she was lovely about it. She said that she understood that as we work our way through a bunch of firsts, my reaction may not always reflect the current situation - because my hurts were pretty big from my marriage. I kept that in mind, and tried to make those reactions less extreme.
We've been going strong for almost five years and we have a wonderful relationship. This guy may or may not be a long-term keeper for you, but you both deserve the chance to give it a try.
[This message edited by Pass at 9:36 AM, October 17th, 2019 (Thursday)]