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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 20

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DashboardMadonna posted 1/26/2020 21:33 PM

HI IDABEL! Sorry you're here. I'm divorcing too...word of advice, dont wait for him. He cant have his cake and eat it too...let him figure his shit out, if it is possible. Im going on to find myself...whoever that is.

lol if my STBX listened to X-mas music, it would affirm to me that he is infact satan...or the exorcist.

You know, I always knew he had a problem...BUT not on this level. My self-esteem will probably never recover. Ugh

For me, "getting help" isnt the same as being remorseful...its damage control (oh shit mode), as a means to reel me back in.

My STBX went to his stupid SA meetings, manipulated myself and marriage councelors (as they all seem to do) and does/did the minimal in IC... but none if it made some profound impact on him, as I wouldn't expect it to...

Like always,remorse requires empathy and if they had an ounce of that, they wouldn't have done what they done. I was just watching the Sisterhood of Support YouTube videos (sex addict wives) and all them did them gave the marriage another shot for years, and everyone of them were jilted all over again. One said finding out the second time was worse than the first. I cant do that to myself because I know he is either still knee deep or will be soon. I know his patterns, he just shifts his obsessions, while blame shifting shen I call him out.

On saying this, I wish there were more videos by SA wives...

Sorry for sounding so negative... I honestly do it from a caring place...I wanna get on hill and shout "RUN LIKE HELL"

[This message edited by DashboardMadonna at 9:47 PM, January 26th (Sunday)]

DashboardMadonna posted 1/26/2020 21:36 PM


LOL @ the term lot lizards... I know thatxterm too. My friend is married to a truck driver and they dont get along...I have wondered about this myself.

I do agree that he has done more than what is presumed... I think most of here, have been through TT and I know in my case, there is definately more to my STBXs story.

[This message edited by DashboardMadonna at 9:42 PM, January 26th (Sunday)]

Superesse posted 1/26/2020 21:46 PM

Dashboard, Wow girl, you are a quick reader! We must have been writing at the same time, and I saw yours after I posted to Idabel, and logged back on to suggest you go back a page and read my story....I feel like another fool, like all the others you have heard. Ouch.

Hope you all are better today. Life is really too short for this nonsense. I mean, look at what is going on in the world just this week!

DashboardMadonna posted 1/26/2020 21:50 PM


Lol same....I'm trigger happy with the reply button. I'm okay. I don't think I recall your story in detail....that is awful, I'm sorry. Mine did his "business trips" too. Ugh

demolishedinside posted 1/26/2020 21:57 PM

Feeling so sad for my son tonight. Went to dinner with his dad. Told me he saw him staring at women and it made him so uncomfortable he went to the bathroom. God. How do I support my son as he starts to see these behaviors of his dadís? I feel like I have to tread carefully because I donít want to talk badly about his dad and I donít want him to feel in the middle or like he needs to defend him. But honestly, Iím furious and hurt for him. I dread who he will bring around my kids.

DashboardMadonna posted 1/26/2020 22:11 PM

How old is your son...ugh I seriously think these people should lose custody of their children. They are not safe...They are preditory and this is so damaging to children.

I am so sorry, you're going through that. That is awful and I'm sure it sickens you. How old is your son? Is he in therapy?

demolishedinside posted 1/27/2020 00:06 AM

13 and yes.

But I have two 7 year old girls...and now, Iím petrified.

idabel posted 1/27/2020 07:29 AM

Thank you for all the responses. Yes, I know my husband would have been considered a ďslutĒ back in high school (we knew each other then), and maybe my head is stuck in the sand, but my gut tells me he never visited any lot lizards/prostitutes if only because he now cannot stand for people he doesnít know to touch him. Wonít get a massage, etc. Or am I just being stupid?

I also know thereís a lot that I donít know and a lot he probably doesnít even remember. Iíd like to think Iím not that naive, but Iíve never had an addict this close in my life before.

Superesse posted 1/27/2020 10:32 AM

idabel, most of us here probably know how you work hard after D-Day to put the pieces together to "see" who this guy really is, that you have shared your life with. After finding out about prostitutes, we ask "Who is this man I was sure I knew, whom all our friends considered me a lucky lady to have found, and how could his family love him so much, if he isn't that guy, after all? How can this ugly news begin to fit into who I've always known him to be?

It cannot fit. Because we didn't have the whole picture. Please understand, they are complicated people with the ability to hide a hell of a lot, even from themselves. It is very common for a sex addict to swing to touch aversion after being discovered. Mine did likewise. But it doesn't mean a thing about their former behavior.

On a deeper level, there is much in the research on sex addiction that points to a sex addict having a life-long fear of getting intimate, and "acting out" is where they release the sexual energy they should have been directing towards their partner, but they can't feel comfortable doing that because of their fear.

I think my SAWH was actually relieved, deep down, when I stopped sleeping with him after D-Day. I'd toss and turn all night on the sofa with my broken heart and he'd always be sleeping all night like a contented baby in our king size bed. Didn't bother him a bit. He never missed my body next to his.

Yesterday, I told my SAWH - who I'm still friends with - about this and he shook his head "yes" immediately as I said I'd written "I don't think this was his first rodeo." He instantly recognized that line of B.S. about it "only being porn for a long time." Sorry, no. (And this reaction came from a sex addict who lied about his truth to me for over 23 years!)

As I said, he will have years of work to do in therapy, before he can talk about his behaviors with his therapist without hiding parts of his story. And once he can be 100% honest, a lot more work will be necessary before his brain may be able to make the deep-seated changes - if he does the very difficult work. No guarantees.

Please believe those of us who advise you to detach and protect yourself until he does that work.

idabel posted 1/27/2020 10:49 AM

Super, thank you. I definitely plan on detaching, going through with the divorce and not helping him do the work.

After my last post I remembered my stbx telling me about one special friend with benefits that he had in one city. Now, Iím sure he probably had them in every single city and is truly a sex and not just a porn addict.

I am not going to hold my breath that he will do the work. I will be hoping for the best, but expecting (& planning) on him not.

I am not sure about going completely no contact, but will definitely be minimizing it and no more dating or sex.

Superesse posted 1/27/2020 10:58 AM

idabel, you're welcome. That he has had women here and there, and travels from here to there for a living, certainly sounds like a long-standing pattern and I am so sorry, but not surprised.

If you can, find a good support group or counselor for yourself to help you heal from this. That was another mistake I made, I didn't recognize how much his sex addiction had wounded me. I just kept watching and worrying about him. But I really needed to be working on me.

idabel posted 1/27/2020 11:57 AM

Super, He hasnít traveled for work in years, but I bet when he stopped traveling is when the online stuff started.

Have you or has anyone else tried the s-anon meetings? Iím not big on in person support groups, did not go to one when I lost my 15 year old son in 2018, but I am seeing a good IC.

DashboardMadonna posted 1/27/2020 14:44 PM


What SUPER says is true. I have been with my husband since I was sixteen....following DD, it was only then that I knew about his incestuous relationship with his sister, during childhood. He refused sex with me, playing the "tired card" the entire relationship...only for me to find out hes fucking every prostitute across the country.

They have been lying their entire lives. They compartmentalize and disaccosiate themselves...completely removed from any emotional attachment in everything they do and that's why it is so easy for them to lie. They could pass a lie detector, due to their lack of remorse...circling back to a lack of emotional empathy.

The very things these men claim to be "above" is exactly what attracts them. They are misogynists at their core...they fear and loath women, tying in with childhood and their mothers (and sissy in my husbands case). I literally just came across this YouTube video in my YouTube suggestions again: "Narcissists hate women, are mysogynists" by Sam Vaknin. I wish we could post links.

SAM has a lot of videos that are the most descriptive in terms of how narcissts see sex and almost all narcs are sex addicts and visa versa...

Todd Grande explains the scientific research that backs it...its said that narcissism is on a sliding scale...I dont see it as such, nothing is off limits to them...they easily manipulate psychologists across the board. They omit information...coverts are especially sensitive and dont admit to what they are thinking, so they see constructive criticism as an attack on their character. He extremely self absorbed... my having been raised by two narcs, has me see that they are all the same. They exploit people, in pursuit of personal gain.

I, personally, dont feel wives of SAs should participate in any "recovery" they are claiming to do. This includes waiting around in a chastity belt, in the game of mysogyny. There has to be remorse there and they have to prove themselves worthy of any chance. I dont see why, in this situation, wives are expected (via SA therapists on the net) to go to their meetings and their therapy, when they are not safe, to consider. The "typical" betrayed wife is adviced to leave, if her husband is unremorseful...I believe the same applies here, especially. It's the worst form of spousal abuse and wives should be advised/addressed as such.

[This message edited by DashboardMadonna at 3:21 PM, January 27th (Monday)]

Countrygirl10 posted 1/27/2020 16:23 PM

I hope it is ok to ask a question in here.

My H has been a diagnosed SA and in my eyes white knuckling and in Denial.
Without much of a back story here is my question.

Simple boundary set is when I say No I mean no. And if you ask again I will not answer.
Thing is he asks for things I am no longer comfortable with doing/saying/ect. And I have expressed this and given why.

Now he keeps saying your always say No to me, I donít drink, I go to work every day, ect. This is all I ask for.
(Heís asking for sexting, pictures, sex talks during sex, ect.. when we do have sex, sex is never enough he needs more to get off)

I am at a loss I feel for him that he would like more attention, spice things up. But I am very Uncomfortable doing this (did this before I realized his addiction) Noo e wants to hear No, but No means No.
long winded way Iím asking for advice I do t know what to do.
I am sticking to my boundary but i can feel it wearing me down

DashboardMadonna posted 1/27/2020 17:54 PM


What is important is that you are not comfortable with his suggestions (understandably) and that is all that needs to be said. He is exploiting you, this way.

I use to like lingerie (I worked in a well-known lingerie store), 12 or 13 years ago and loved to wear corsets, etc... he didnt care for me in it (or ever), so it became pointless. Lingerie is now a HUGE trigger for me. Following DD , during the brief and idiotic hysterical bonding faze, I broke down....I felt like a fool in it...knowing he will never see me in lingerie the way he did them. Invisioning him tearing it off them, while I'm invisible.

I will never forget that feeling...I felt destroyed and robbed of my femininity. Like some disgusting and desperate fool trying to win over some loser that didnt deserve me, much less any amount of effort on my end.

secondtime posted 1/28/2020 19:42 PM

Country- I am sorry you are experiencing that.

Do you own a home together or lease? Have you seen an lawyer to understand what your options are?

Are you getting support IRL? If your husband is in denial, long term, are you planning to stay with an active addict?

Lifeexploded posted 1/29/2020 08:49 AM

Country - do not do anything sexually you are not comfortable with. Also make sure that he is not using you as his sexual outlet for his addiction. If he is white knuckling, he WILL relapse. If he can't respect your boundaries then he doesn't respect your needs as a human and you have your answer.

What are your plans or do you have any yet?

I posted this in JFO but I wanted to share it here too. SAWH jealousy is getting ridiculous.
So the other evening I was on my way home from a running group I am a part of. I went a few blocks out of my way to swing by a friend's house because she had left out some bubble wrap and Styrofoam for me (I'm an ebay seller) and I had managed to get TWO blocks away from the road I "should have been on" before I get a call from him "What are you doing?" Seriously? I'm going to go insane. How hypocritical. I just have to laugh. It's the only way to survive this crap.

Somber posted 1/29/2020 09:14 AM

I have been there as well, more times than I would like to admit. Sticking to our boundaries can be as difficult for us as it is for them to white knuckle it. It is not easy especially with such manipulative addict personalities. I canít tell you what to do but I would urge you to try to enforce your boundaries.
If you break it, I urge you to give yourself a break on that too.
I broke my boundaries many times. At the moment it felt like a loss for me and a win for him. Now I see that when I broke a boundary it gave me temporary relief from his demands of me, groping me etc. It gave me a moment of calm that I desired. A moment to think and reflect without his constant objectification of me. So although I broke my boundary, it lessened the egg shell walking for a moment and that is okay too. Itís survival sometimes when dealing with an addict....but the behaviour repeats and repeats until we really enforce those boundaries, leave or they get help.
Itís tough, your not alone!

Somber posted 1/29/2020 09:21 AM

And yes lifeexploded, the jealousy

My husband is starting a SA mental health group here. I think I am suppose to be supportive, relieved and maybe a bit happy about it. I am none of those! He is finally taking strides I needed him to do a year or more ago!! Maybe itís too late or maybe some things just canít be overcome. I can not move past all the infidelities, manipulation and gaslighting. I donít know that itís possible. He looks at me like Iím doing a and b now, you should feel better. But I donít feel better, I donít trust him, I donít feel safe to let my guard down even a little. I donít know where to go from here but it seems that if he is trying then I should try...like leaving is less of an option because he is finally trying to get help...or is leaving still a viable option...why do I feel that the hurt needs to continue to leave as opposed to recognizing that the hurt caused is reason enough to leave...

DevastatedDee posted 1/29/2020 10:33 AM

I donít know where to go from here but it seems that if he is trying then I should try...like leaving is less of an option because he is finally trying to get help...or is leaving still a viable option...why do I feel that the hurt needs to continue to leave as opposed to recognizing that the hurt caused is reason enough to leave...

That's a question you need to think hard on. Why do you feel that? Do you feel that you owe him? Do you think that he should be rewarded with you as a gift for acting like an adult? Do you feel that your life and your needs and feelings are secondary to his and dependent upon what he wants and needs? Are you willing to martyr yourself for him? Do you fear causing him pain in ways that he never feared causing you pain?

The only true answer is to take his feelings out of the equation completely and focus on yourself and what you want your life to be.

Yes, in a normal healthy marriage, we take the feelings of our spouse into consideration when making life choices. You aren't in a normal marriage. You're married to an addict. No matter what work he does right now, he will be an addict tomorrow, next month, next year, a decade from now, two decades from now. This "right now" work will have to be ongoing for the rest of his life for you to be safe. You are at risk by just being married to an addict. That is a risk that some people are willing to take. You, Somber, are not required to take that risk. You didn't agree to marry him with all of the relevant information on the table. You weren't able to make an informed decision the first time around. Now you can. You can make an informed decision about staying married to him now that you know who you married.

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