SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been 4yrs since separation, 3 years since divorce was final. I've dated and had very short relationships. Had problems having sex because of ED (mostly psychological) but I'll explain. I feel like moving forward would be betraying my kids, our little family and it's hard for me to envision myself with anyone at the moment.

My ex moved on quickly with the guy she cheated with and then another man now that moved in with her currently and has been with for the last 2yrs. The kids were in shock since the cheating and divorce and then her being with someone full time so I held back, so the kids could always have one parent to go to. At least one parent that would grieve with them and had stability. My kids are grown and on their own, but I still struggle with this a lot. Of course I don't want to be alone forever and long for a loving relationship. Especially cause I'm all alone now. I date someone for a little bit and then when it goes into the direction of a relationship, I usually run. :(

Anyone out there felt this way or have any words of encouragement?

Are you in IC? This would be something to address there.

There is nothing wrong with you dating. There is nothing wrong with you getting into a serious committed relationship. Your grown children would likely celebrate a good woman in your life. You know this.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 6:08 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]

I felt just like you. I was marred & divorced 2x's because of infidelity. I felt after the first that my job was to take care of my son so even one date gave me extreme guilt like I was letting my son down. Some people need others around and so move forward into another relationship very quickly but I am not like that. I was slower to heal and recover. But realizing my life was good without a relationship made me feel better and I stopped comparing myself to WS and others. When you are ready for another relationship it will happen. You are young yet and have time so do things you were not able to do when married. Pick up on hobbies and later it will work out.

I date someone for a little bit and then when it goes into the direction of a relationship, I usually run. :(

Hi 2married2quit,

Like you I was in a very long term marriage. I've been divorced about 4 years. I look back on my post divorce relationships as a positive learning experience, even though those two relationships ended.

Don't have the expectation of meeting someone with the attitude that you're potentially going to spend the rest of your life with them. No relationship lasts forever and some are destined to be shorter than others. Try and get used to the idea of rejection as well as rejecting. Either way it hurts (a lot!) but it means you're not meant to be with that particular person and it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you. We all have our baggage!

Try to relax into the idea of having no expectations (if that makes sense?) and just enjoy the moment.

Re the ED a kind and sensitive woman will make allowance for that.

Sorry this is a really rushed reply. Will perhaps try to post a little more when I have more time.

Good luck buddy.

Thank you guys. Those are some encouraging words. I'll try to answer some of the questions and comments above.

IC - I can't afford it at the moment, but I have a friend that is a self made therapist (LOL) and does a very good job at it. She's been helping me a lot. At least I can talk about all this free of any judgement.

I have gone this far without a relationship and on purpose. Originally because i wasn't ready. Currently because as stated above, I feel like I'm betraying my kids, family, God.

I do have the tendency to measure people up on the basis of a life partner. I can't help it. That's all I've ever known. Trying not to.

My kids are grown and on their own, but I still struggle with this a lot.

Currently because as stated above, I feel like I'm betraying my kids, family, God.

Your kids are adults yes? Have you discussed any future relationships you may have with another woman with them and how they would feel about that?

Do they expect you to live the life of a monk? 3 years after divorce is a very respectful time to wait before dating imho.

I really really don't want to bring religion into the discussion but would you be betraying your God by entering into a relationship/s with a woman/women other than your previous adulterous wife who you are now divorced from?

It's great that you have a close friend you can confide in free from judgement.

I do have the tendency to measure people up on the basis of a life partner. I can't help it. That's all I've ever known. Trying not to.

I felt exactly the same way you do until infidelity and divorce put an end to that! That's not to say it wont happen, just that I don't have any expectations of it and if it doesn't happen that's fine as well.

Best wishes 2m2q.

((2m2q))

I have gone this far without a relationship and on purpose. Originally because i wasn't ready.

Is it possible that YOU are still just not ready and are using your kids, family, God, etc as your justification?

Because your kids, family and God all would want you to be happy.

Look - your healing is three years old. I know that feels like forever, but I found that 3-5 year timeline was more realistic for me. Did I date prior to that? Yep. Did I have relationships? Yep. Good and bad. However, the further I got from my D; the healthier the new relationships were.

I am nine years out from my D now and have been in a new relationship for three years. This one is the healthiest/best one. I don't think it is any coincidence that it is because I am further out in healing.

I date someone for a little bit and then when it goes into the direction of a relationship, I usually run. :(

I have been there! Heck, if I wasn't so old....I probably would have physically ran! I would feel claustrophic!

I just wasn't ready.

Maybe you are not either.

You don't have to date. Many on here decide they just don't want that in their life right now. Maybe that is where you are and your body is trying to tell you that?

Anyone out there felt this way or have any words of encouragement?

You are not alone! Many of us have been there. You just keep working on you! Try to figure out if the guilt you feel is really about all those other things....or really just about you?

I'm in a similar boat, with a STBX who brought a new guy (not AP) into the picture before I'd even moved out. Insult added to injury.

Seven months from separating, I do not feel like I can date right now, for the very same reasons you cite. Essentially, my kids (6 and 10) are still hurting. My eldest recently told me he trusts me more than her. How can I go off and date while this chaos is going on? But what if it never ends?

I'm just curious if you ever got any feedback on this kind of thinking from a professional/IC.

My first thought is be very careful that you don't use your kids as an excuse not to work on whatever part of yourself is causing you to run from potentially good relationships.

Have they asked you not to date? Have they indicated to you that they need you to deny yourself in order for them to feel ok? It may be a good idea for you to sit down and have a discussion with them about how you want to be a good father to them and get an idea of what they actually need from you.

If their happiness is dependent on you living a life alone, then they may need examine their own way of looking at things because that's a bit cruel to put on a parent.

I've asked my children what they needed from me. Turns out that some of the stuff I was "carrying" for them didn't need to be carried. They were fully capable of processing a lot of what had happened on their own. And the parts where they needed my support, I offered it without hesitation.

Don't worry about the ED. I know that's difficult but there are so many other way to enjoy intimacy.

I suspect at this point, your kids would probably he happy to see you in a relationship with someone who cares about you and respects you. You honored your vows and handled the D with class, you put your children first during a difficult time.

No one will judge you and you take things at your own pace. I believe that anyone who knows you would agree that you've waited long enough, grieved the end of your M, and there is nothing wrong with moving on. I can't speak for God, but the Bible states that infidelity is a valid reason for D, so I don't think you risk any judgement there.

Don't have the expectation of meeting someone with the attitude that you're potentially going to spend the rest of your life with them. No relationship lasts forever and some are destined to be shorter than others. Try and get used to the idea of rejection as well as rejecting. Either way it hurts (a lot!) but it means you're not meant to be with that particular person and it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you. We all have our baggage!

I just wanted to second this. When we become invested in another person so deeply that we'd sacrifice it all for them and then they discard us and the relationship as if none of that mattered, it really challenges our views on love, and relationships, and marriage, and soulmates, and all that fun stuff which, despite what people say or tell themselves, is probably a necessary part of a fully actualized life. When you can do it all on your own, a relationship eventually does seem like a "nice to have", but biologically, emotionally, spiritually, we're all guided by a silent directive to share our lives, in a romantic capacity, with a special someone who will put up with our crap and vice versa.

sillyoldsod's quote above is the nice happy medium we have to reach. Some people want to find what they lost as quickly as possible and rush into the same level of relationship with whomever is next in line. Others, like me, are just completely soured on dating in general because trusting another person sounds like a bear trap for my psyche. Both of these are wrong ways to go about things. They're just side effects of having to swallow a very hard pill that nothing lasts forever and no matter how much we love someone and think that they love us back, there's a very good chance that they'll still leave us one day anyway. Ignorance sure was bliss.

As for making peace with that fact while simultaneously allowing ourselves to give a relationship our all? I'm useless there, I'm only 10 months from DDay.

Remember this, your children deserve a parent that is happy, stable and there for them when they need it. Being happy includes you finding someone to spend your life with - you are not taking away from your family by spending time with a new friend, possible future girlfriend. When you are happy it will reflect on your children - you are the stable parent already, you have proven you are there for your children and no one in this world will be placed before them. Any woman of substance would support you 100% when it comes to your kids.

Do not feel guilty for having adult friends. Think of it this way- if you meet a woman who treats you with respect & love, you will be teaching your kids what a good, adult relationship is like - and they don't have to settle for relationships like their Mother experiences.

*edited bc I can't type!

[This message edited by MamaDragon at 2:05 PM, July 12th (Friday)]

Thank you all for taking the time to post a response. I was thinking of sitting the kids down and giving them a heads up about my status. And also that even though it's not needed, but I kinda want their blessing to move forward. It's not something that's customary or needed, but it may make me feel better about it all. Or at least we can all be on the same page. :)

Around the time of my separation there was an article in the Guardian about single parents and their young adult kids. The young adults were actively promoting their parents on dating sites hoping that they will repartner. I think kids find it a lot easier to seperate themselves from their parents when they know that there is someone to look after and care about the single parents so the burden is lifted from their shoulders.

It's only been now, three years post divorce, four and a half years post separation that I've allowed myself to fill that void. My youngest DD is entering her senior year in high school and my SO and I are much more serious. It's in large part because I finally feel like I have the mental and emotional space to cope with a serious long term relationship, but I also have an eye for allowing my DD the freedom to not have to worry about me when she leaves. It's good for both of us.

Talk to your kids and I think you'll be surprised to discover that they will want you to have someone to share your life with. We've done our time being the stable parent with integrity and our children want us to be happy. Both for your sake and their own.

2m2q what if your kids don't give you their blessings? I only have one 32 yo dd and I've learned over the past years that it's better for me if I gently discuss things rather than asking for her permission or blessing. Because doing that tipped the scales on the parent/child relationship. Plus, my real world experience is much more than hers. It's a delicate balance, parenting adults. My DD is a physician, seems to have a good marriage and is ready to deliver baby #3. So she could probably make really great decisions for me. But the fact remains that I am the parent, the one she sees as capable of making even better decisions. I want to keep that balance, in a respectful way, for as long as possible. There will probably come a day when she will make decisions for me but hopefully that's 30+ years away.

If you aren't ready for a relationship that is OK. I've been out there dating for a long time and I tend to run, too. I see red flaming flags and I just can't take a chance. Maybe it's me or maybe the flags are truly red. Either way I've realized I will be ok alone or coupled up.