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Went too far

OverAndUnderIt posted 6/4/2019 13:39 PM

So... I had started talking to this guy several weeks ago. I had blown him off a bunch of times because I wasnt sure if I was ready to actually talk to someone. We were both upfront about how we weren't looking for a relationship and just be friends. Well the conversations started turning dirty. We finally met and I slept with him. I didn't feel guilty. We hooked up like 6 more times after that but I started to feel wrong about it. I noticed he pulled back too. So last night I basically said I was done and didnt want to talk to him but hes insisting we be friends. Its weird and new. Idk what happened? I shouldn't have done it. I feel like I betrayed my marriage too....

phmh posted 6/4/2019 13:50 PM

I feel like I betrayed my marriage too....

Not sure on your story - what is your current marital situation? Does your WS believe you are in R?

hes insisting we be friends.

Nobody can force you to be friends with them. Boundaries.

The biggest thing I learned in IC was to trust my gut. What is your gut telling you? Is it too early for you to be dating at all? Or was there something specific about this guy that made it feel wrong?

OverAndUnderIt posted 6/4/2019 14:19 PM

My H and I are done. We live separately and everything.

It's just personal guilt I guess. He made me doubt myself so long and I feel dirty.

The guy was really great. He was funny and nice. We spent a lot of time together and then suddenly he stopped. He barely messaged me etc. Said he just wanted to be friends. It was weird and made me feel like I did something wrong. So I said no thanks and have ignores him since.

Justsomeguy posted 6/4/2019 14:22 PM

Two consenting adults who are being open and honest with one another while not being in a relationship with anyone else. Something I had to learn was to live for myself again and not try to meet others expectations. I'm retraining my brain so to speak. You'll know the right path for you.

LostHope8008 posted 6/4/2019 14:34 PM

I don't know your story but if you started to feel "wrong" about it, maybe in your own mind this was some sort of RA to get back at your husband? Ex-husband?

Phoenix1 posted 6/4/2019 14:34 PM

Are you feeling guilt for the sex because it feels like a marriage vow betrayal?

Or, are you just feeling regret because the guy sort of pushed you away and just wants to be "friends" and you are confused about his sudden switch?

Hobbyist posted 6/4/2019 14:58 PM

Six months after my divorce was final, I entered the dating pool and also felt guilty after my first time post divorce. I hadn't slept with anyone other than my xWW, so that magnified the feeling. That feeling faded fast, but I think it's perfectly natural. As far as friends/no friends goes, that's your choice, not his.

Dating is very weird after being married so long. Good luck and have fun!

Aplomado posted 6/4/2019 16:22 PM

I hate to ask this but, do you know if he is married? It's really easy to hide a side chick for a few weeks, but after a while the "excitement fades" and hiding it gets a lot harder, and you get ghosted. I work with all women, and hear this story over, and over again. Just askin'

A~

OverAndUnderIt posted 6/4/2019 17:02 PM

I just think because it's new and all the awful things my Ex H said to me has made my head warped. I'm getting an extreme amount of Male attention and I'm not used to it.

Being friends is okay with me to a degree. I just dont wanna be strung along like a backup and that's why it was weird to me. I honestly think he caught feelings.

He is married. But on the same level as me. Going thru a divorce. I've been to his house and I was introduced by a friend so I know it's not a cheating thing.

I think hes afraid to move on too and that's y it's weird. But hes been separated for a year and I've only been 4 months.

barcher144 posted 6/4/2019 17:20 PM

I am a little confused about your new guy. Did you want to back off? Or did he?

After my first marriage ended, I started dating too soon. I didn't know what I wanted or what I was looking for. I met someone and we quickly had sex (because we both had a lot of sexual energy), but that wasn't what I wanted.

Eventually, I took some time off and figure out what I wanted. That was a good idea.

No matter what... go easy on yourself. This is hard. No one does is WELL...

phmh posted 6/4/2019 20:17 PM

No matter what... go easy on yourself. This is hard. No one does is WELL...

Truer words were never spoken. It's so easy for us who are years out to give advice...but most of us also did what we were warned about by those further along than us.

I dated way too soon. I slept with a guy that I wish I hadn't. I should have taken more time for myself before even looking at a man.

But after being abused for so long, and used to being part of a couple, it's so hard to just be single.

You will get through this. You have nothing to feel guilty about (easier said than done). Maybe take some time away from men to figure out your next steps (also easier said than done!)

mondas posted 6/5/2019 21:25 PM

Last time I stopped having causal sex and tried to remain friends was because she wanted a more serious relationship and I wasn't interested in that because I didn't see us being compatible.

OverAndUnderIt posted 6/6/2019 05:59 AM

Basically he is trying to say I pushed him away. But I literally havent been any different. I honestly think he started to develop more serious feelings and hes making excuses. I think his need to be friends is his way of still keeping contact but not taking it further. We havent seen eachother in over a week but he sends textx daily and follow me on social media liking my posts.

I'm just not putting too much into it. I had a long hard year dealing with my WH and I'm not ready to deal with another man lol

barcher144 posted 6/6/2019 06:49 AM

Basically he is trying to say I pushed him away. But I literally havent been any different. I honestly think he started to develop more serious feelings and hes making excuses.

You just got out of a bad marriage... there is no time like the present to start setting appropriate boundaries for friends and/or lovers.

This guy is making bullshit excuses. You don't have much/anything invested in him. Kick him to the curb NOW. Set a precedent for yourself that you will not tolerate unacceptable behavior in a man.

I had a long hard year dealing with my WH and I'm not ready to deal with another man lol

Perfect.

[This message edited by barcher144 at 6:50 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]

WornDown posted 6/6/2019 14:10 PM

Basically he is trying to say I pushed him away.

This guy is making bullshit excuses. You don't have much/anything invested in him. Kick him to the curb NOW. Set a precedent for yourself that you will not tolerate unacceptable behavior in a man.

but I started to feel wrong about it. I noticed he pulled back too. So last night I basically said I was done and didnt want to talk to him but hes insisting we be friends.

A bit of 2x4 here...

I'm not sure how this is suddenly his fault. You said YOU started to feel wrong and said YOU were done. But now he's the bad guy? I don't get it.

But whatever - If you aren't into it/him, you aren't into it/him. Say goodbye and move on. Nothing wrong with being friends (unless he doesn't get the message). I'm still friends with some of the women I've dated, but we know the boundaries: friends, not lovers.

There's nothing wrong with being with Mr. Right Now, even though you feel that way. I felt that way when I first started dating - it's hard to get that thought out of your head after 25 years ("Sex with anyone other than the wife is out of bounds!"). I put it in the normal column, and I will let you know it does go away; it just takes time.

StillLivin posted 6/10/2019 01:53 AM

Is there any reason why you weren't willing to wait u til your divorce is final before jumping into a new intimate relationship? It seems like you haven't wrapped up the old one yet, and your headspace isn't where it should be to be dealing with a new man's drama. I'm not judging the fwb thing, but rather, are you spiritually healed enough yet to be intimate with someone else. It takes a lot of selfishness to learn to love yourself, and that's ok to be selfish when it comes to healing.

babypuke posted 6/10/2019 03:17 AM

You got played, as is evident from his withdrawal after he had his fun from you and you served his purpose, and you said yes to him (6 times!) after he did not respect your no's. No wonder you feel bad about it. Also, it is a blessing to him that you yourself did not want to continue, mainly caused or even set-up by him I think, as he is now free to find his next target for sex as he already knew he wanted to do even before he met you. Also, the MO of that guy is characteristic for waywards, as another poster suggested.

What now?, self-justification and reframing and seeing only the positives and chalk it up as a lesson learned or 'This is the way nature works'? I hope not, you better learn from this and reinforce your boundaries and recalibrate your picker and learn to not only see the red flags (as you did) but also to act accordingly, otherwise you are just trading in the one player (exWH) for another, is that what you want?

I wish you well, good luck

OverAndUnderIt posted 6/10/2019 06:39 AM

I'm not afraid of judgement. If I was I wouldn't have posted.

I think I jumped into this for pure attention. I had been denied attention for so long that it was nice to finally have someone give it me. I think also he made me feel more comfortable in the weeks before we hooked up by talking etc. And not waiting on the divorce to be final because I can guarantee it's going to nmbe a few years and I was mad that he gets all these women and I'm left alone.

No, I am not well mentally. I know that I'm not. Making in that much harder to make good decisions in my life at the moment. I am working on it. Hard. I have a great therapist and support system.

And I have used it as a lesson learned. I told him we needed to end the sex and if he wanted to be "friends" then I was okay with that. He has reached out to me since and ice just made excuses so he gets the clue I'm not interested like that. I've reevaluated the scenario and I dont wholey regret it. I think it's just one of those things that needed to happen to show me what I dont want in the next chapter in my life

barcher144 posted 6/10/2019 07:45 AM

I think it's just one of those things that needed to happen to show me what I dont want in the next chapter in my life

Yes, precisely!

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