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Newest Member: mindracing

Just Found Out :
Recently found out my dad might be cheating, what do i do?

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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 11:14 AM on Friday, April 19th, 2019

Not telling your mom the truth is double betrayal ? You're basically lying by omission, if you were in her shoes, would you want to know you're being betrayed and by whom ? tell her ASAP and while you're at it tell her to get tested for STDs. This may not be your dad's first rodeo.

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id 8365259
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Edie ( member #26133) posted at 12:54 PM on Friday, April 19th, 2019

I do not think you should be shamed for taking this step-by-step to gather information and assess the evolving situation

I agree.

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 kids 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) R'd.

posts: 6398   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 8365306
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Wool94 ( member #53300) posted at 1:13 PM on Friday, April 19th, 2019

I don't want to shame into doing it, but I would like you to see the urgency.

D-Day #1: April 7, 2016
D-Day #2: May 21, 2016
D-Day #3: June 7, 2016
Me: 1975
Her:WW (amn8r) 1981
Son 2006
Daughter 2009
"God not only loves you, but He actually likes you. "-Stephen Hooks

"My faith is mine now."

posts: 3810   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2016   ·   location: Roll Tide Country 🇺🇸
id 8365319
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JoyfulMourning ( new member #70342) posted at 9:03 AM on Saturday, April 20th, 2019

Oh, my goodness, but you're in a tough place.

Breathe. Breathe and find your balance and place before you take another step to fix anything or do damage control.

I agree with the poster who stated that your mom may already know and her declining condition could be proof of it. She's certainly numbing herself to something.

I also agree that your mom may not be emotionally stable enough to cope with it all just yet. You can not save or improve your parents marriage. it's not your job.

As a daughter you may be able to help her get built up, improve her quality of life and then fight her own battles. Again, it's on her. Perhaps you could try approaching her with: getting help for her mental state; encouraging her to get counseling and going with her, you both need it; (I wouldn't be surprised if you and your mom share the same type of sad secrets.) gathering information for AA meetings or a short stint in rehab; and resources for what ever else you see her struggling with health wise.

Personally I would not pour my energy into your father's infidelity. Frankly, his infidelity is the least of her worries. Her quality of life matters most. She can handle him later when she's strong enough and has learned healthy coping skills. I would choose my mom's life over her marriage as first priority.

Your peace of mind must be a priority too. You can't run her life and yours. You're such a caring and empathetic person and loving daughter. Your great capacity for empathy has sometimes worked against you in your life. Please. learn how to apply it in a healthy way, you deserve that.

On planes we're always instructed in case of emergency to put our oxygen mask on first then assist the next person, even if it's our child.

If your mother doesn't decide to get counseling or join a helpful group or two, you still go. Learn it and then teach/coach her. I had to do that for my mom at point in her life. Help your mother to get on her feet first, then stand with her to tackle to infidelity issue.

I truly wish you peace, strength and a sound mind.

[This message edited by JoyfulMourning at 12:28 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]

*In the end I've gained more confidence than I've lost.
**I'm not a "one in a million" kind of girl: I'm a once in a lifetime type of woman.
*** I'm not arm candy; I'm soul food.

posts: 36   ·   registered: Apr. 18th, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8365792
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Arthur ( new member #70288) posted at 4:36 PM on Monday, April 22nd, 2019

Joyful,

Amen

posts: 17   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2019   ·   location: NJ
id 8366646
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josiep ( member #58593) posted at 4:45 PM on Monday, April 22nd, 2019

AlAnon. AlAnon. AlAnon.

I can't suggest it strongly enough. There are scads of online resources for it as well as the meetings.

YouTube, TED talks, Podcasts, the AlAnon website itself has online meetings and readings, etc.

I believe you've done pretty much all you can do. You might have stopped your Dad this time but you don't know if this has happened before and there's no reason to believe it he won't go down that path again as soon as another opportunity presents itself.

Peace to you. And some virtual hugs. You're a good daughter and a kind person.

BW, 70 YO; M 45 yrs., T 49 yrs.
DDay#1, 1982; DDay#2, May, 2017. Divorced.

posts: 3141   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2017
id 8366653
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 Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 9:38 AM on Tuesday, April 23rd, 2019

Hi everyone, hope you all enjoyed your weekend! Just an update really, I am booking myself and my mum a holiday! Only a couple days but it'll be good to get away, give her something to look forward to as well. On top of the new monthly lunch dates (hopefully weekly in the future when moneys not so tight) I am going to help her realise there is still things to live for. I'm also going to try help her with her drinking, i used to drink everyday with my exes exploits going on etc so if i can do it then i hope i can help her come out of it too!

As for my dad, he took the weekend off, visited his mum, actually went metal detecting with his friend (that was last weeks cover story - but i have the proof he went this time) basically he allowed himself a few days of alone time (well out of work, and away from OW, my mum was still there) to think about his actions etc and what he stands to loose and looks like hes taken my chat seriously!!

I've just witnessed a conversation between him and the OW basically fully calling it a day! Hoorar! Obviously i'll keep an eye on it incase it re-ignites, and i'll keep the pressure on them to stay apart etc

Also looks like they've confided in the woman here at the office who is friends with both of them, who is the one i was worried would abandon ship if she found out... How much they've told her i'm not sure. But this morning i feel a slight victory, but i know its still a long road ahead!

posts: 137   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2014
id 8366997
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josiep ( member #58593) posted at 11:39 AM on Tuesday, April 23rd, 2019

That's great news, Blue.

I want to reiterate that it is not your job to fix your parents. But what you are doing is wonderful and let's hope that these gestures of kindness and advice will hit home.

Attending AlAnon, following their philosphy and embracing the ideas will go a long, long way to help you heal and find serenity. And when your Mom sees that, she might want it for herself as well.

And, who knows, maybe your Dad, too.

BW, 70 YO; M 45 yrs., T 49 yrs.
DDay#1, 1982; DDay#2, May, 2017. Divorced.

posts: 3141   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2017
id 8367013
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Edie ( member #26133) posted at 12:47 PM on Tuesday, April 23rd, 2019

Have a great holiday with your Mum. I second the suggestions of Al-anon.

😊

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 kids 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) R'd.

posts: 6398   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 8367027
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 12:58 PM on Tuesday, April 23rd, 2019

From what I have read you are in the know on your dad’s business and you guys have been reconstructing it after some financial difficulties.

I strongly encourage you to get a very clear picture of the income and outlay, assets and debts and to monitor that closely. Monitor if dad is meeting people you don’t know or is having meetings you don’t know the purpose of. Be clear on whose name(s) are on assets, deeds, company papers and so on.

Hopefully this is all something your dad and mom can work out. Hopefully you nipped this in the bud. You are in the pilot-seat so it’s you that needs to decide if telling your mom was/is necessary or not. For me the main reason to tell her would be for her to protect her assets. With the above monitoring you could have a better view of if your dad’s intent was deeper and more sinister than “simply” an affair.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10940   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8367031
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 Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 1:27 PM on Tuesday, April 23rd, 2019

I do all my dads bookkeeping/accounts so i know exactly whats what and where. He doesn't have any assets after we lost everything a few years ago. Same with my mum she too has no assets. Both have a car each but that's it. They are renting a house and both have debts so nothing can be gained from the other in anyway.

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Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 1:37 PM on Tuesday, April 23rd, 2019

You are a great daughter, Bluebox! I can feel your more upbeat tone today in your post.

Is OW going to be moving out of the office space entirely? She should.

I agree that Al-Anon would be a good resource for you and your Dad. Tell him he owes it to your mom to go and work on himself so as to be better able to help her. It is free, and you can go together, or separately when in need of privacy. There are always sub-groups that focus on specific things, and I bet there is one for unfaithful spouses of alcoholics. I know you will find one for adult children of alcoholics.

Now do something nice for yourself today, even if it is just taking a walk outside!

posts: 967   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2013   ·   location: Northern Virginia
id 8367042
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Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 9:22 AM on Sunday, April 28th, 2019

How are you doing Bluebox? You sort of disappeared. I hope all is ok.

posts: 967   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2013   ·   location: Northern Virginia
id 8369625
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Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 9:22 AM on Sunday, April 28th, 2019

How are you doing Bluebox? You sort of disappeared. I hope all is ok.

posts: 967   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2013   ·   location: Northern Virginia
id 8369626
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 Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 11:04 AM on Sunday, April 28th, 2019

Hey Odanna, thanks for checking in, i'm not the best really, since seeing the conversation of my dad and OW calling it a day, i have had to put up with her being in the office 3 times since then and they're still pally pally. I even witnessed her tap his arse as she walked past on wednesday :( we were in the middle of a networking event and he was stood around a corner from me and she did it as she walked passed him not thinking about the fact i was stood where i could see him in a huge mirror so i saw it!! I was fuming!! I had a go at my dad (even though it was her not him, he didnt react as he was talking to someone - room was full of about 30 business delegates) he said it was nothing more than a friendly tap and to stop being soft!! I said with everything thats gone on its bang out of order and she needs to keep her hands to herself! And that i'll be telling her when i see her!! (as was the next day-i was too angry i had to leave before i made a scene infront of everyone) He said oh stop being soft, stop being mard! Fuming is an understatement of how i felt :(

So back to snooping to see if it was just friendly... theres flirting but nothing to say they're back at it...

I want to tell her to back off, to tell her to F** O**! But how to start it always leaves my head when i see her - although not seen her alone since the tap incident! But what do i say to her to make her go away! :(

I am seeing my mum this week (with my grandma) to start helping her get mentally stronger, and we have a few days booked to go away together in a couple weeks, so if i see evidence of my dad continuing the affair i'll have a few days alone with mum to talk to her about things then.

I've also started to try to build my own business up away from him so i'm not so dependent on him as he's already questioning the hours i'm in the office now :/

My head is all over the place and i'm struggling, but i'm glad i have here to vent, and also my new boyfriend who has been my safe place to hide away with!

posts: 137   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2014
id 8369635
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cocoplus5nuts ( member #45796) posted at 2:40 PM on Sunday, April 28th, 2019

If there is flirting, the A is ongoing. Your dad should fire her. If the A is over, I can't imagine why she would want to stay. That would be so humiliating.

Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life

posts: 6899   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 8369691
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Odonna ( member #38401) posted at 2:57 PM on Sunday, April 28th, 2019

Hey Blue!

As I recall OW is not an employee, with her own small business and to whom your dad has been giving free office space. Is that correct? If so, he needs to kick her out and put that space to money-making use that does not involve inappropriate memories and temptations. You are within your rights to insist that he go full NC with her, as she seems to be in an “I’ll wait it out mode.” I recall there is a mutual friend there? Maybe you can enlist that woman to help get her out? Her reputation will be terribly sullied along with your dad’s if ass-tapping is observed by others.

And tell your dad that you do not care about his opinion of you, but that you are on a mission to protect your mom and that is your priority and he has to go full NC right now. Write out what to say to him so you don’t have to come up with the words in the spot. Same for the mutual friend.

[This message edited by Odonna at 9:30 AM, April 28th (Sunday)]

posts: 967   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2013   ·   location: Northern Virginia
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 3:03 PM on Sunday, April 28th, 2019

The conversation you read was staged. You were supposed to see it,and believe the affair was over. You weren't supposed to see her patting his ass. And when confronted, he defended her. The affair simply went underground, as predicted.

What do you say to her to make it stop? Nothing. And you dont threaten your dad either. It's a waste of your time. He will pat you on the head and tell you he has ended it,and he will tell OW not to touch his ass anymore. And the affair will continue.

Tell your mom. That may ne the only thing that ends the affair.

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:04 AM, April 28th (Sunday)]

posts: 4666   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8369701
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 Bluebox (original poster member #43718) posted at 3:37 PM on Sunday, April 28th, 2019

At the moment from the looks of it it's all coming from her. Hes just not telling her to stop :/ They have now both confided in her friend that also has an office from my dad (she doesn't pay cash for her office, she does his social media advertising free of charge instead). So the friend now knows, she hasn't spoken to me about it, but her tone of voice when talking to me has changed slightly... i'm sure they've painted me to be the bad guy stopping their perfect relationship flourish or whatever nonsense they'd have come up with.

The conversation wasn't staged as they have no idea how i knew what i did when i confronted my dad. I gave other 'proof' as my evidence and didn't tell him how i actually knew.

I feel like threatening her with full exposure over facebook, and telling her friends and family etc but not sure she'd even care :/

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Lieswearmedown ( member #61335) posted at 3:49 PM on Sunday, April 28th, 2019

None of us knows your mother obviously.

Specifically, what actions would your mother take if she knew?

Specifically, how would she react to you knowing, but not having told her?

How would your father react if you sat your mom down and told her?

I’m trying to get a real-life sense of what you’re dealing with because it’s easy for us to give you what has been good, solid advice, but I understand that we aren’t the people living it.

Would you be unable to continue working with your father?

Would your mother harm herself?

Would this other woman harm you in some way?

As far as their mutual confidant (the woman who knows), does she has any power to affect your life in any way?

posts: 221   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2017
id 8369726
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