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You sound like a very kind man. But be strong Bahama. As far as getting back to normal - your old marriage is dead. There may be a normal, but it will be a new normal.

And it's going to take a long time. So yes, one day at a time.

Bahama:

It is a start. But now the hard work begins.

Her actions must continue to demonstrate remorse. I say continue because the letter is a concrete demonstration of such.

I often tell people dealing with infidelity to 'trust the process'. What is the process?

Transparency, honesty, accountability, intimacy (both emotional and physical), and atonement. Without all the above, there is no true reconciliation.

Evaluating your reconciliation through those prisms is the process, and will ultimately lead you to the right answer as to whether you should remain married or proceed to divorce.

Also, try to focus on trajectory rather than incidentals. In other words, look at the overall direction of your attempt at reconciliation rather than the incident yesterday or today that may have triggered you. It will help to build patience as well as help to manage your triggers.

So...trust the process, and take it one day at a time.

Well her response was encouraging. But tell her words are cheap. You are going to be watching her actions from this point forwards, not listening to her words.

Triathletes, runners, cyclists and most athletic types all seem to be extremely competitive and somewhat narcissistic. They like hanging out with like-minded people of their own ilk. It is a ripe atmosphere for affairs to occur; especially in group settings like running clubs and co-ed athletic organizations where men and women are thrown in together.

I've read many accounts of people who fall into affairs as a result of joining athletic clubs or hiring personal trainers.

Oh and by the way get a job.

Bahama- One day you feel hope, one day you feel like a d would be best. The back and forth is called the rollercoaster of emotions.

AT one I ever though about just getting in my car driving. I actually did drive about an hour away once, but drove back. Not sure why.

My point is that you need to take of yourself. Not sleeping, not eating, drinking alcohol, not drinking enough water, etc. All of that makes your mental state worse. You have plenty to deal with and it doesn't need to make it worse.

Best advice is to keep up with the IC. Sit with the feelings as they come. I spent hours driving around or sitting on my deck in the dark just processing things. It can be very painful to do that, but it does help you move past it sometimes.

Your W's reaction is a good one. As she works on herself and does IC she will come to terms that most of the issues that culminated in her having and at least being open to one are all on her.

I will through a term I have come to like. My W and I call it a "character deficit," she always had it. She even had before she met me.

Another thing it seems you avoided the common thing most BS where they try to blame themselves for the WS's A. It is really a very misguided attempt to regain control. THe true fact is that no one can control another person. Whatever choices we make are ours and ours alone.

Further it is very common for a lot of new BS to learn that they are co-dependent with their WS. It is ok to be two individuals versus one half of a M. It is mazing how much easier life is when you focus on your side of the street.

Anyway, man. I see hope in your situation too. However the hope I see is different. I see hope that you will be happy again one day. THat needs to be your goal regardless of what that means for your M. Try to focus on shorter periods of time Today, tomorrow, coming weekend. Make list if you are too distracted to function (BTDT myself).

This will get better, I promise you that. I can't promise it will look like you may have pictured it, but it will be better. You are already on that path, you just need to follow it.

Bahama - what were you and your wife's plans for you being a SAHD once your youngest (4 yr old) begins school?

Once your youngest is in school, you should think this through really carefully about remaining a SAHD in light of your wife's affair.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:22 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

do you truly believe you still love her? as a wife, not as a kinda sister figure who help look after your children. physically, how do you truly feel about her now? i would have a few long baths contemplating this.

She said she knew she would be caught. That she almost needed to be caught because the guilt was killing her.

I just want to point out that what she told you there is not uncommon with what some members here have described in their own stories, BS and WS. The wayward realizing how incredible deep a hole they dug themselves with their affair and they don't know how to even begin to get out of it on thier, hoping maybe Dday may do it.

Now, when you see her logic in continuing her affair, remember back to your confrontation day and recall her reaction to you telling her that you knew she was having an affair. What was her initial reaction to that? If I remember correctly, you described her as having a blank expression as she was looking at you, like a deer caught in headlights look. Something about how you can tell she was working out a response. You were there to see her body language as well. What did that tell you?

Thank you for all the responses. Today was busy for me so it was a nice break from periods stuck with my thoughts.

She has checked in on me three times today just to see how I am doing. I can tell she's worried about me now and is making an effort through actions to help me/us. I do believe her words are true. They sound like the person I married and not the W she had drifted to in the past couple years. One day at a time is correct.

I went to my first IC session this afternoon. Not much gained today. It was pretty much an intake session with me telling the story up to now. W goes next week for her first IC.

I'm eating enough, sleeping enough and attempting to get exercise. I'm slowing improving after losing 12lbs in the last 12 days.

I'm not blaming myself for her actions and choices. At the same time this has been a wake-up call to me for our marriage and conditions that could have possibly led to her even considering such an action. My initial plan is to work through the A fallout. I need to get to a more stable place with what happened. I need to heal from those wounds some. I need to ensure it's not only very dead but also buried. Forever.

Next I hope that we can start to see what sort of marriage can be pulled from the ashes. I know us. I have some hope for us. Despite what has happened I truly believe in my heart and head that we can be the ones who come out stronger from this.

My W is broken right now. Not in the same way I am, but broken. She says she feels so much guilt and shame that she doesn't see how anyone let alone me can ever forgive her. I see her pain. It's real. Part of me is so happy to see her suffer with remorse, yet my deep love hurts to see her like this. I know the general advice on here is to keep distance, look out for number one, and to never trust a cheater. It's my flaw perhaps but I'm going to help her get through her pain as I work on mine.

I know my opinions and feelings about all this can change in an instant. But right this minute that's where I'm at. Please be happy for my good minutes.

Bahama. Yes encouraging she was able to write that. If necessary ask her to expand where you need more detail, even as questions come to mind in the days and weeks to come.

The one glaring omission, and maybe you just didn’t write about it, is her empathy. Did she write or discuss how she thinks you must be feeling right now? How badly this must hurt you? That should be the most painful part about this for her. She needs to express if she feels that.

And if she can’t she’s not ready for R.

If you don’t mind, let us know if you just didn’t write about that or if you will ask her.

As an exercise, Ask her to write about the A as she imagines it from your perspective. Ask her to write what you probably were thinking and feeling before and then during and finally after DDay. What you might have been wondering and how it was affecting you emotionally and physically.

It could be a revealing perspective for both of you.

Bahama, despite the pain and agony you are making really good progress. And it seems like your WW is too. Early days but better to set off on the journey more effectively than not. I admire how you are handling yourself.

Did WW explain what she wrote about divorce to the AP during the A? It seems like it was a fantasy moment where she was building her case to rationalize her decisions... but I am curious about how she explained it.

I wanted to respond briefly to her reactions to this process from D-Day on. My wife is an ER medical provider. She is very good at hiding her emotions. That's some of what made me miss her loneliness and dissatisfaction with our marriage. She has to be in one room and tell a young mother her baby has died and then go immediately to the room next door and try to cheer up a sick little kid. She hides it all deep inside. Poker face.

On D-day that's what that blank stare was. I described it as a deer in the headlights because I think her brain literally short circuited. She was caught and froze. She didn't know what to do. I didn't take it as defensive to my confrontation. I'd guess the emotion was fear. Her actions that followed that initial confrontation showed fear. I think she was terrified of me and what I might do. She never gave me a strong denial about the A. She pretty much admitted it with her silence after confrontation. Since then she has been silent and poker faced with her thoughts. Sure there have been tears, but it wasn't until yesterday that I believed what the tears were for. I have no doubt they were for me that time.

She did express empathy in her letter. It was pretty accurate.

The divorce statement I found in the email was also explained. She said she had a particularly bad night with me and was feeling so lonely. She couldn't remember what it was all about but she was just expressing her dissatisfaction to her AP. I don't think it was literal. Again, the building up how bad I am to him was probably what was happening.

Ok thanks. I’m glad you are feeling that your pain is her pain.

The fact that she Hurt the one person she is supposedly in love with and whose heart she vowed to protect should be the worst part of this whole thing to her. (I still think my idea of having her write a letter as you describing what you’ve been feeling the last 3-6 months up til today is a worthy exercise).

I also wanted to comment on the compassion for her that you write about. In my opinion it’s absolutely appropriate. It’s how I’d approach it if I were in your shoes as well. Your a good man with a good heart, you can’t change your stripes so why even try.

But I want to make sure you don’t confuse compassion with responsibility. She is still responsible for doing the tasks in the plan she creates to repair the marriage and help you heal.

Thanking her for something she has done well to help you heal is a very appropriate thing to do. Perform tasks for her like scheduling the IC or being the one to set up talk sessions between you or telling her she should be apologizing more are all signs that she’s not doing the work, you are doing it for her.

Don’t fall into that trap if you truly want R to succeed. Compassion yes. Even love if it’s in your heart. But if she’s not doing the work, call her out on it.

And if you find you are calling her out on not making it happen more often than you are thanking her, then you may have to decide that a different path from R may be more appropriate.

You’re doing well. Keep posting.

Take care.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 6:32 PM, March 6th (Wednesday)]

A great update no doubt, keep the pressure, it's good you reminded her she would need to apologize to your family as well, I would have her do it tonight over the phone or in person if you prefer, if she really means what she says she should swallow her pride and do this, it will take some time for your family to get past this but it's a start, you saw her face after Dday when she was still furious you had left her a note for her to sleep in another room, instead of begging for forgiveness like she is doing now (and should), she was defiant and seemed not to care much you found out, she instead decided to see a D attorney the very next day.

Have you demanded she gets tested for STDs ? this is a must, she's a physician and I hope you don't have to explain to her why this is important, besides your WW and OBS, you don't know where else her boyfriend's dick has been.

You have taken control of the situation, it's ok to get angry without getting violent, you should and you will at times, like others mentioned it's part of the "rollercoster" of emotions. She shows promising signs but it's way too early, keep holding her feet to the fire, she needs to realize she killed the M, you were right to point out to her that you're in crisis, words are cheap and you need to see actions for a very long time if there's even a chance at R, also you expressed to her that you don't know if you could ever get past her huge betrayal and that's OK too, if you eventually feel this is/was a dealbreaker for you, even after months or even years (we've seen it happened here), even if she does everything perfect, that's ok too, she broke the M vows and D after adultery is a very common consequence and to be expected. Notice you went back to deal with her from a position of strength and got better results, those who do typically have a better outcome regardless of D or R.

It’s encouraging to hear you say she has expressed empathy. Although small steps they are positive. Consistency over time is what you need to see. You seem to have your head on straight and you have done well with this shitstorm. Continue to work on you. And by the way, its not a flaw to help your WW get through her pain as you heal from yours. There is not just one way for a couple to heal from infidelity if that is what you want to do. You do you. Just realize that there can be risks in doing so if your WW is not fully committed. But I’m sure you are aware of this. You know your WW well. There are general guidelines that have been formulated thru experience in these situations if a couple wishes to R. Guideposts if you will: things like transparency, a timeline, a no contact letter, etc. but these guideposts are simply attempts to establish tangible evidence of something intangible: regret, remorse, and a willingness and commitment to rebuild your M. But these are not ironclad. Follow your gut. Your instincts are very good.

So I have a little question this time.

I'm on the roller coaster with my emotions obviously, but I've also had crazy changes in my view of what's happened. I swing from soul crushing imagery and memories of what my WW and the AP have done. I've cried about and wondered if I could possibly forgive and get past this. I saw it as a big deal life situation. And it is I suppose, however, I've also had moments of clarity.

I've seen the forest and not just a few trees. I am able to step back and look at the situation without emotion. I look back at 14-years that I've known my W. I can't help but see all she has done for me and our family. She had always been a good and caring person. That's why this whole thing is so shocking. She fucked up. She fucked up royally. I get it. I'm hurt. I'm crushed and in crisis. However, I'm having a hard time throwing her under the bus for one, notably BIG, blemish on her record.

I'm NOT taking the blame for her decision to have an A. However, if we want to recover and possibly reconcile, it is going to be important to explore what was wrong with our marriage that led to her saying yes to an A. I know that an A can happen even in strong happy marriages. I thought ours was bulletproof, but perhaps I'd become complacent in this thought and allowed conditions ripe for poor choices to exist. Again, this is going to sound like I'm taking responsibility. I'm not but I also can't ignore details present.

I'm a very introspective person. I read a lot of books and work hard on my self development. Coincidentally I was recently reading a mindset book that talked about problems and how we make them be as big or little as we want to. We've all seen people deal with big and little problems in life with radically different views of them. I'm a strong person. When I've had clarity towards this problem, I feel I want to avoid falling into the trap of creating an impassible mountain out of a molehill (a big fucking one though).

I realize that we are humans. Humans all fuck up. We've all made bad choices and decisions. It's part of the human experience. I was reading in one of the articles that 1 out of ~2.7 people will be affected by an affair in their lifetime. That's a pretty big percentage of people dealing with this issue. I analyze it, the psychology behind it, and it seems to lose it's power. I look at my situation and all the players in it. Sometimes I feel like an outside observer and it all seems clear. Then I swing back to being soul crushed again...

I guess I know the answer, but is this normal? Anyone else able to shift perspective so much? Perhaps it's just a defense mechanism at play. Thoughts...

One day at a time. One moment at at time.

I would say from what I've seen you are ahead of most at this time.

Don't try and justify her actions too much. You were in the same marriage. She's not perfect either but you didn't step outside the marriage. See the difference?

This wasn't a mistake. It was a conscious decision she made.

So no matter what that capability is there. She needs to work on it. It's early yet.

[This message edited by Marz at 9:07 PM, March 6th (Wednesday)]

This is the classic error. Quite literally nothing in the marriage caused her to do anything. That is either gas lighting or rug sweeping.

She had the affair because she wanted to have the affair. She’d still be having it if she had not been caught.

I’m not saying this to be crass, I’m saying this so that you align your thinking in a way most likely creating results.

She had the affair because she wanted to have the affair. She’d still be having it if she had not been caught.

A sobering thought

[This message edited by Marz at 9:08 PM, March 6th (Wednesday)]