Forgive me if this has been said. I've not read here in the past few pages, just burnt out.
It seems that some of this is part of an old argument...back in 2008 when I was first introduced to this shit, SANON and most of the researchers used the partner model that was described by AA. The spouse is enabling, codependent and often a detriment to the recovery addict. It can be true that in substance abuse, partners fight sobriety. After all, going out to a bar on Saturdays is a social event for THEM. Why should that stop just because the other guy doesn't want to get buzzed? I saw this, a lot. But never in a spouse of a sex addict. I have seen codependent behavior in myself and others. I had an excellent therapist who explained that codependent behaviors develop as a RESULT of living with disordered people, it isn't necessarily a set character trait. When the addictive behavior changes, so does the codependent behavior.
But even this is a fine line. We, as wives, mothers, humans, WANT to help and empower our loved ones. We want to help them with their struggles, do their laundry, whatever floats your boat. Especially when young kids are around, many of us take on responsibility to make sure everyone is happy and fulfilled. The trick is to also nurture yourself and not allow your needs to go unfilled because of the concentration on others. The trick is to know when to pull back and let failures happen.
Most of us had no idea of what their secret life entailed. We certainly didn't buy them their favorite porn like I've seen wives (and husbands) buy their addicted spouse their favorite gin. But, I'm speaking for myself and most of the other wives I've met in SANON, we did accept things we never should have; late nights, unexplained expenses, grouchy behavior, blameshifting, gaslighting, etc. I know I did. I learned quickly to NOT ask the difficult questions unless I wanted a battle, to NOT confront when information slugged me in the head, to be supportive and solicitous when he lost yet another job, etc.
The point is, even though SANON and older researchers still ascribe to the old thinking, most recognize the difference and look to the trauma model, which suggests our attempts to pacify an addict is self protection. It clearly was in my case. I just wanted to NOT be THAT WIFE, who questioned and suspected my husband. I chose to close my eyes, partly because of FOO issues. You may or may not have done similar things.
You each may or may not have learned codependent behaviors as you navigated life with a disordered person. It is wise and helpful to examine if you developed unhealthy conduct, and to change that mode of thinking if you did. Don't throw the baby out with the bath water because the word codependent feels like blame.
SANON was valuable to me in that I learned I wasn't alone in this, that it didn't automatically mean my husband was a pervert, and most importantly I learned SELF CARE. I learned what codependent meant and evaluated my own actions. I rejected some of the teachings, "take what you need and leave the rest" is particularly reassuring.
Behaving in codependent ways does not mean you IN ANY WAY have responsibility for his hobbies. It does mean that you are, most likely, heavily impacted by it even if you knew nothing about the acting out.
Even if this were alcoholism or drug abuse and you were an active enabler (my father made excuses for my mother, bought her gin, insisted I help get her to bed and take over the household duties that needed doing) you still cannot take blame for that. You(my dad) did what he thought he should. He did the best he could. Oddly, so did my mother. She sucked at parenting, but it was her best.
We spouses often over think our lives, how could we not? And while sex addiction harmed us immeasurably, we have to learn to live with that reality as best we can.
Putting ourselves first is one step...
