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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 19

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Lionne posted 5/25/2019 21:04 PM

BIG trigger this evening. My husband couldn't find something that I wanted to look at. This is not unusual, he regularly loses important things. This was NOT important, a specific magazine. But his reaction when I pressed him to think about where it might be, he got defensive and angry. I said this is scary. He doubled his effort to find it thinking that would fix it, never asked why it was scary. Idiot. This is triggery because long ago he:

*lent a cello to a high school woman while courting her, taking her to lunches, etc. I asked him where the cello was, he lied, I found out, he gaslighted me, I dropped it.

*lost a lovely sports jacket I had purchased for him. Apparently it was left at at strip club. I'll never know.

*bought a souvenir on a trip that was supposed to be a second honeymoon. Couldn't find it, then said he'd given it to a woodworker because it was damaged in transit, I bugged him about it all summer, he brought it home, turns out he had to grovel to the OW to whom he'd given it-a "misunderstanding" he says, he was "showing" it to her and she assumed it was a gift.

This is now bringing up all the crap. It wasn't that he LOST the magazine, it was his defensive attitude about it.

I did confront him. Asked him if he thought it was a good idea. No answer.

Blah. I think I'm sleeping elsewhere tonight.

Superesse posted 5/25/2019 22:55 PM

Lionne, I think I understand....we keep thinking "with all the EFFORT they have put in to WORKING on FIXING their serious issues, surely they will eventually learn new ways to react and to be. Then, maybe it will have made better sense for us BS to have hung in there and suffered through this."

And then, on any particular day, we still get what we still get. Maddening!!

Not sure what you meant by sleeping elsewhere.

D-Day 1 was the night I needed to move out of "our" bed....to a place I felt safer. My BFF gave me grief about that, said that HE should be the one sleeping on the floor, on sofa cushions in the dining room, not me. I told her I never liked that extra-firm mattress, anyway. Meanwhile, I noticed he slept like a baby, all alone on our bed, and never once asked me to come back to "our" bed - for over 17 years, now!?

Hoping you feel much better and rested tomorrow, wherever you decide to sleep tonight! So sorry he chose a holiday weekend to be triggery. 😠

secondtime posted 5/26/2019 07:13 AM

"with all the EFFORT they have put in to WORKING on FIXING their serious issues, surely they will eventually learn new ways to react and to be. Then, maybe it will have made better sense for us BS to have hung in there and suffered through this."

Hopium is the pits.

I'm still looking for mantras that would help me with my thought patterns.

After DDay 1, I used to say "He's not the person anymore." When I triggered. And it got to the point that I believed it.

Except now, he is that person. DDay2 proved it. And now I struggle.

My third...she's the one that marches to a different drummer. Crap sleeper. Feels her emotions hugely and has a hard time with them. When she was first born, she was up every two hours. It continued until she was 13 months old. I slept for 3-5 hours night those 13 months.

The only thing that got me through besides candy and energy drinks was changing my expectations. When I no longer said walked around saying "Jeez, #1 and #2 were great sleepers, why weren't you? and when we accepted her as is...well..I tell you..I was able to move along happily even with 13 months of extreme sleep deprivation.

I think about that...and my husband. Why can't I adjust the bar with my husband. I'd be so much happier if I could expect less from him. But why can't I? Why do I continue to expect more?

My biggest trigger right now, is the kids' school. My youngest is 17 months, and it's 4k-8. So, I've got about 12 years of that still coming my way.

Superesse posted 5/26/2019 09:17 AM

Good question, secondtime. Perhaps the answer is in the difference between how your relationship with that child came to be, versus how your relationship with your SAWH came to be? I would wager you wouldn't even have gotten into this relationship with your SAWH had he been truthful about who he was, about his character, or about his tendencies! So, dishonesty played a part in your getting together, and we have a problem being OK with a relationship that we know we never signed up for! (Then again, who ever knows everything they wish they had known, going in?) I'm not expressing this very well, I think.

But just contrast that with your relationship with your child, who had no say in how they came to be, and it's clear that such intentional dishonesty isn't a factor with your child. That's what the difference is.

demolishedinside posted 5/26/2019 10:54 AM

I think, too, that we have to have different expectations for kids than adults. I mean, I get that our husbands are immature, but they could have, at any time sought growth. Our kids are working on growth as they go. So if you set the bar lower for your WH, then itís you who suffers, you know? Honestly, they do suffer in these ridiculous, inauthentic lives and actions they choose, they just rarely are self-aware enough to see it.

Twice in the last 24 hours, my STBXWH tried to hug me. I call him on my boundaries and HE acts offended. He wonít move out, so fine, he can mow and drive the kids, but GOD IN HEAVEN I wish heíd stop trying to hug me and act offended when I wonít.

Smjsome1 posted 5/26/2019 17:34 PM

Want to know what pain meds and sedation does! Exposes all the emotions!

Oh man, my weekend. I have been gritting and grinding my teeth since this all came out and one of my wisdom teeth broke.

So I had oral surgery to remove it Friday, unexpectedly. It was all so fast I didnít have time to think..

Woke up from surgery (best sleep Iíve had in forever) and was calm and happy, and so, remembered. Ugh.

He got me out and into the car fast.

Every pain pill - itís like it takes down the wall I have up keeping in my anger. Just straight down

Plus side, EMDR has been amazing so far. I canít imagine how it would have been before that.

DevastatedDee posted 5/26/2019 21:21 PM

I think about that...and my husband. Why can't I adjust the bar with my husband. I'd be so much happier if I could expect less from him. But why can't I? Why do I continue to expect more?

Because "husband" is his job title and failing at that causes you harm. People who can't perform as air traffic controllers get fired, because failing at that job causes people harm. You'd have to downgrade his title to "dude who lives here" to reduce your expectations. Even then, if he's a crappy enough roommate, you'd want him out. Your expectations aren't the problem. His job performance is.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 5/26/2019 21:32 PM

You'd have to downgrade his title to "dude who lives here" to reduce your expectations.

I fucking love you.

Your expectations aren't the problem. His job performance is.
But seriously, this^^

Superesse posted 5/26/2019 23:24 PM

Dee! 😀❤️❗️I already DID that, 5 years ago: a favorable Post Nup I had to get, converted my supposedly "In Recovery" SAWH into Dude Who Lives Here.....hahahahaha....no wonder I keep getting a tad frustrated with the crappy roommate, yes!

Thanks for capturing my reality, so neatly. Rock on, lady.

TripletMom posted 5/28/2019 07:17 AM

Hi All. I hope you all had a peaceful Memorial Day weekend.

I have a question. It seems my husband has resentment for the restrictions he is now encountering and the policing from me. My words, not his. As further explanation, he had to quit his band (where he met his AP) but while he misses it, he understands that had to happen. He is looking for a different band but had to cancel one audition because I was uncomfortable with the location of their rehearsals. Itís in a city with easy access to prostitutes and I suspect he may have acted out there in the past. I also let him know Iím not comfortable with him rehearsing one on one with a female. So heís now limited as far as opportunities to join another band. I understand this is something he loves and a passion for him and I donít expect him not to do this at all. I do expect him to keep these activities within a certain comfort level for me.

I guess my question is how do I deal with this resentment Iím picking up on? He shows it through his facial expression and when I talked to him about it he told me he resents having those restrictions. I am unable to process this because itís causing a great deal of pain for me to hear it.

My therapist said I shouldnít look for validation from him. Heís either unwilling or unable to provide what I need and he really is unable to deal with my pain.

Any advise on how to handle this? I know he is trying but in this instance itís not enough for me. To be fair heís doing a lot. Seeing a CSAT every week and going to group meetings. Bottom line is I feel how can he resent me after everything Iím dealing with in this situation. It feels cruel. Help!

marji posted 5/28/2019 07:51 AM

Triple resentment is an all too common trait with SAs. It is one of the most important, if not the most important "defects" the SA should be working very hard to rid himself of while working the 12 step program you say he is working with a CSAT and also in a group. If you have not already done so you might consider speaking with his CSAT about this. You might also speak with your H about this when you are feeling calm and when you both ready to speak in a productive way.

doesitgetbetter posted 5/28/2019 10:12 AM

Been forever since I posted on SI, much less in here. Quick background, I have caught WS twice cheating. Each time he had been having random hookups with strangers, sometimes only once each person and sometimes up to a handful of times each, never dating or relationships. Each time heís been doing it for 5 full years before I caught him. Ugh! First time it was treated by all like infidelity, second time it was treated like an addiction. He did everything he should have done, had a CSAT, went to group meetings twice a week for SA, read books and did workbooks for his addiction daily for a couple of years, fostered more closeness with me, everything.

Last time I caught his was 4 years ago this coming Fourth of July. One year ago we moved out of the A state for many reasons, one being for fresh untainted scenery. Almost immediately when we moved our business started struggling a little bit, and his daily journaling changed from thoughts about our marriage, me, his actions for the day, and gratitude to worry and concern about the business, always, and any commentary about me and our M was an afterthought in his entry. I asked him about it from time to time, and he would try to get back on track but never did.

There was also an incident about 5 months ago where he did something in bed that I specifically donít like, so I confronted him about it, and he just apologized. Weíve had more than a handful of conversations in the past 5 months about some of his behaviors that were A behaviors or addict behaviors and my concerns, and he would always say heís good and he will try harder.

Fast forward to last Wednesday and I stumble upon a tablet that was somewhere it shouldnít have been. I asked him about it, he froze and started shaking, and I knew. He confessed to emailing with people for the past 7 months, sending and receiving videos, and meeting one woman in person to see if they were compatible for sex (she declined). I am super proud of myself for sticking with it and trusting my gut and calling him out each time. I have missed all of the signs for so many years the past times. Iím super sad that with all of his recovery efforts the past few years that he didnít take a single one of those conversations as an opportunity to come clean. He would even go to his meetings still, but sit in the parking lot and email people. Just shocking the level of planning and manipulation.

Anyway, now on to what to do. My consequences for him regarding a slip or relapse like this was a separation. I have no friends or family where we live, so I packed my car and left the state on Saturday morning. Iíve been two states away for 3 days, and I hurt so much! I left my kids there, my business, my entire family as I know it. I am sad being back to my home state because everything reminds me of my family and that I am completely alone here without them. I canít do this, I am heading back this week. Not to reconcile with my husband, but to get rid of some of this sorrow. Honestly, Iím not that hurt by his emailing, his track record is that he hasnít been faithful to me for more than 4 years ever, and this is no exception. So I was sort of waiting for it to happen.

I definitely have been unpleasant to live with the last four years, like a boxer with his dukes up all the time braces for impact. This didnít make me the most receptive to his affection. So I definitely am aware that I helped foster a distance between us this time, that in no way excuses what he did but I understand how it was unpleasant to live with.

So now I am considering an in home separation instead. I need to keep my business up and running, I canít lose that and if I leave him to deal with it alone it might end up failing quickly and I love this business. I also canít handle being away from my kids for another minute. They are 18 and 19, but Iím not ready. We have the space that he can sleep in his own room and so can I.

But basically I am wondering if itís foolish to try to work on this still? I view this as a relapse because of the length and that he never came clean about it. If he had confessed, I would have considered it a slip had it also been less time. I do appreciate that he kept some sort of boundaries and didnít hookup with anyone this time, but it was definitely a possibility at anytime. What to do?

secondtime posted 5/28/2019 12:07 PM

Does It Get Better

I'm a big fan of doing things when they make sense.

Now is not the time to separate for me. For financial reasons, running the household reasons, and I need DH's support to finish school. Even though this goes against my predetermined, decade old boundaries. (Turns out, I can't predict the future with 100% accuracy).

A better time, if it comes to it, is in 4 school years. My oldest will no longer be a minor, and my youngest will be in school full time.

I guess for me, it's not awful. I still have some good times. DH takes care of me well enough..even making sure I get back on track with sleep now that the semester is over. He's present for the kids. He's working his recovery.

I don't have to work on the marriage. I'm sort of done there, with the heavy lifting.

marji posted 5/28/2019 16:19 PM

doesitgetbetter I am so sorry. These guys give us a terrible reality to have to deal with but sounds like you are very clear about your priorities. You want to be near your children and you love your business and want to keep working with it. You also feel his help with the business is very important. You say there is room in your home for him to sleep on his own so that you could work out a home separation.

Sounds to me you have described what might well be the very best thing for you to do for yourself at this time and this stage in your life.'

Im thinking that we should all be careful to avoid throwing out the baby with the bath water.

I think if we are honest with ourselves and honest with them then we have every right to do what we think is best for us which is not always sticking to some rule we made for ourselves in the past or someone else's idea. And we need to keep in mind that we can always make another choice at some other time if another choice then seems better.

ashestophoenix posted 5/28/2019 18:40 PM

You'd have to downgrade his title to "dude who lives here" to reduce your expectations.

Laughed out loud at this. My reality, that I didn't fully get until after D-day, was that my SAH had reduced himself to this expectation, without telling me and denying it, and I became victim to his reduced commitment on so many levels. Gosh it used to be so confusing.

Fast forward five years post first D-day and I have reduced my husband to "dude who lives here" and he has elevated his expectation to "I'm all in for this marriage."

doesitgetbetter, I agree it is in your best interest to go back. In my view, my issue isn't showing my SAH that I will enforce my boundaries, my issue is showing my SAH that I will now ALWAYS put myself first. And if that means I stay after he slips, it's my decision. I can change my mind anytime about what is in my best interest.

That said, it wasn't good news, as you know, discovering his acting out. I have done an emotional separation from my husband (took me some years to get here) and I invest very little in my marriage. It's a relief and gives me a tremendous sense of freedom. It also frees up my time to focus on me. My husband is now in charge of the marriage. He can make it work or not. I'm no longer doing that job.

So while I live with my husband, which is currently in my best interest for a whole set of reasons, I wish I had never married him. That's not an easy conflict, but I'm okay with it as long as I continue to focus on me and what is in my best interest.


[This message edited by ashestophoenix at 6:40 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)]

marji posted 5/28/2019 19:23 PM

So while I live with my husband, which is currently in my best interest for a whole set of reasons, I wish I had never married him. That's not an easy conflict, but I'm okay with it as long as I continue to focus on me and what is in my best interest.

Love this, Ashes. Thank you for saying this so very well. It's liberating.

secondtime posted 5/28/2019 21:17 PM

And we need to keep in mind that we can always make another choice at some other time if another choice then seems better.

I think this is so important. I wished someone would have told me that during this journey.

The last thing any partner needs after subsequent DDays is wrestling with the fact that they are failing because they can't stick to their boundaries for whatever reason.

Shocked123 posted 5/29/2019 08:21 AM

You said exactly what I feel.
When all is said and done, I wish I had never married him.
I don't feel leaving is an option right now so I am moving on, ever so slowly with my life and detaching from my H's issues.
I feel freer than I have in years but I do carry a backpack of heartache and confusion that may be with me the rest of my life.
I wasn't planning on this excess baggage unfortunately but am learning to deal with it and focus on myself.

Praxidike posted 5/29/2019 13:01 PM

Hi Everyone, newbie to SI here. My story is in my profile, but essentially I found out my WS is an SA back in 2010. I stayed in the marriage for many reasons. Fast forward to now, I'm not currently working. We live in a new state, we moved here less than a year ago. My support system is back in home state. Two of my children, whom I miss deeply, live there.

Now that I'm not working & not in a support group, the emotional fallout of his last PA (in home state, not here) is bubbling up. *sigh* I found out new information a few months ago & tried to deal with it at the time, on my own. I wasn't able to let it go & discussed both my feelings and what I found with him yesterday. His response was typical for him; explain, justify, deflect, attack. He *listened* before attacking, which is new, different from his pattern. Not that I'm giving him a pass.

When all of this (SA) first fell in my lap, nine years ago, I decided to try and deal with him like an alcoholic. I worked my side of the street, worked self-care, met with lawyers. We separated for seven months. Etc, etc.

Ladies, I'm tired. I don't know if I can keep going this way. I want to be five again and pretend none of this happened, that Tinker Bell's magic fairy dust can make it all go away. Obviously I have to work harder on detachment. But I'm so tired.

Smjsome1 posted 5/30/2019 12:00 PM

Triplet Mom
Resentment or rather, ďfrustration at your negativityĒ has been a thing lately. ďDouble standardsĒ (ie I donít have restrictions he doesĒ)

For us, the IC told him to step back and look at the big picture. And for that, he usually journals about it. It works for him.

For the ďwhy canít you be more positive? Why are you so negativeĒ. My ic said when things are calm ask him ďwhat does it look like to you for ME to be more positiveĒ. Surprisingly he said, I need to think about that ...

He (again, surprisingly as follow thru isnít his thing) came back later that night and said, I wrote out in sentences what it would look like and realized I was wrong, every sentence except two wereĒI and MEĒ. Everything except two was about my needs
When I discarded those I realized the leftover two, you are already doing, just by being here.
edited as I hit the submit by accident

As I was saying, it was all very surprising, and if that kind of talk continued I was going to have to go, I wonít tolerate resentment, he has to see heís created this situation, if heís wants to be with me those are his boundaries.

His boundaries have to be his choice. You canít let him guilt you, you didnít create this situation. Itís on him.

You deserve respect.

[This message edited by Smjsome1 at 12:04 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]

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