I have been lurking for a while. Just wanted to let you ladies know that I am still here. I just hate replying on my phone because my autocorrect is drunk.
Someone mentioned that when their sawh talks about other people, men are he/him, and women are that person/they, etc. My sawh does the SAME THING and it drives me crazy. He will go out of his way to mention that a particular customer was an "old lady" or "fat" or whatever else is meant to assure me that he wasn't talking to someone that is a threat. It drives me absolutely up a freaking wall. A month or so ago, he is talking about his coworkers and he mentions "Valarie and Laurie". Now, I knew Valarie worked there, but he had never made mention of Laurie. I immediately jumped on that, and he assures me that she works in a different department (doesn't matter, both secretaries desks are in the same room; the whole business is in one room) and that she was "old". I knew exactly who he was talking about, and she is only 8 years older than him, tops. He also said that they "never speak", and their departments don't have anything to do with each other. Total lie. I don't think he is trying anything with her though. I have talked to a few local people who know her and they don't think she is that type of woman. It's this kind of crap that he keeps digging his grave with. Just be open and honest! What is so hard about that?
We haven't had sex in 17 months. I told him that I refuse to have sex until A)he gets a vasectomy and B)we have a loving emotionally intimate relationship in which I feel safe. He only heard the vasectomy part and one night he wanted to talk about it. It was obvious he thought once that was done it was sex party time. I explained the B) part of the deal and then we had to have a discussion about what "he needs to do" because God forbid he figure that out on his own. We discussed check ins because he doesn't do them, he knows I want weekly check ins (just like basically, hey, I didn't relapse this week, lady tried to flirt with me but here's how I dealt with it, I was tempted to look at porn but instead I did A, B, C.) He doesn't want to do this because it makes him feel like a child. He did say that he relapsed in November with masturbation (because of the no sex, so it's all my fault, but he didn't use those words) but he told his accountability partners and he was going to maintain 90 days of sobriety before he told me. Now what's the point in that? Where is the consequence for acting out? Also .... this was two weeks ago, and guess how many check ins he has done!? Well, of course you can guess. It's ZERO obviously.
My self care is bubble baths (where I get on my phone and get caught up with you guys), work out, go out to breakfast or lunch with friends, and work on my business because my goal is to be earning enough money to be self sufficient so that we can divorce one day.
I guess he thought he was threatening me because he says that this is our last try to save the relationship and then we might as well get a divorce. I shot back, oh really? You're going to leave me with 6 kids and no way to support myself? You already look bad enough with all of your infidelity. You're going to abandon your family too?
Little does he know, I still have an ACE up my sleeve. I still have the recording from THREE years ago of his voice text talking about making plans to exchange blowjobs with another guy and I have it hidden on flash drives in the house, in every email account I own, it's on my phone, it's on both computers in the house, and I am going to send it to my mom. He doesn't know this and I really don't want to have to hold it over his head, but we are not divorcing until I am good and ready unless he wants his family (don't worry, not the kids) to listen to it. I also have proof of all of his infidelity and that he received a hand job from a guy in his handwriting. I have it hidden (he thinks I threw it away) and I am going to make copies and mail that to my mother also.
I wanted this marriage to work, I really did. I am convinced he is BPD. Maybe with a few narcissistic tendencies.
Oh, this morning, our oldest cat (who can't even walk straight because he recently had a seizure or a stroke) pooped in the house and didn't ask to go out. Sawh picked him up, told him he ought to kill him and put him outside. He didn't hurt him, but man, I was so on fire, I couldn't say anything. I couldn't trust what I might say/do. I'm going to have to have a sit down with him about it but tomorrow we have our son's track meet and then a date night with our church that we already paid for ( ) so I'm not going to ruin those times. I seriously hate date night, but it's a small break from the kids so I carry on with the charade.
OH, that reminds me! A few weeks ago, I went kayaking with a girl friend. We were gone a few hours, and of course sawh was mad when I got home. He said we were supposed to take the kids to the river but now it was too late. So he was trying to make me look like the bad guy. He told the KIDS about the river, but not ME, so I didn't know I needed to be home by a certain time, and made it look like I didn't care we had thee other plans with the kids.
Then, a couple of weeks after that, I invited the same friend to go to a Paint like Bob Ross class (that reminds me, I need to pick up my painting). I asked him for permission before I invited her, and he said yes. Later, he got all sulky because I didn't invite him.
When we had our big (trying one more time or divorcing) conversation, he told me he wants me to make him feel wanted. Dude, that's not my job. I literally had no words for that. I don't know what he expects but I damn sure am not going to fake it to stroke his little ego.
I could go on and on, I should update more often. I am going to get on here with my computer more often so that I can be in the conversation.
Stay strong ladies! And to the new ones, I am so sorry that you're here.