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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 19

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Lionne posted 2/19/2019 13:36 PM

Self care for me looks like:

Eating healthy, I'm an emotional eater, have to constantly redirect myself

Indulging that eater once a day

Saying what I mean and meaning what I say

Not putting up with BS

Scheduling manicure, pedicure, massage as needed.

I hired a once a month house cleaner

Retail therapy. I'm not much of a shopper, have rarely bought anything not on a clearance sale, but the occasional foray in the mall, sniffing new fragrances, looking through those clearance racks, can be relaxing. And I may have indulged in some sinful treat in the food court from time to time.

Yoga and other stuff at the gym. There are two classes, Silver Sneakers and Arthritis Foundation, that are a good workout with fun music and feel like a dance class.

Nightly bubble bath.

Being kind with myself when I indulge in too much comfort food.

Aromatherapy. I don't think the "science" behind it is real, but there are some scents that are happy-making, pink grapefruit, rosemary, bergamot. I bought a necklace that holds felt pads to which you add your favorites.

Volunteering with kids and cats.

ShatteredSorrow posted 2/19/2019 15:29 PM

Secondtime please can you pm me? I have a question for you x

ShatteredSorrow posted 2/19/2019 15:34 PM

Re self care...

Therapy. Gym (mostly Pilates), coffee out by myself, playing music that speaks what I feel, talking to friends/support people..

SAWH and I used to have weekly date nights - now I use that time to either go out by myself or with a friend.

sami1234 posted 2/20/2019 07:13 AM

Staying means always looking for the lie...all. the. time.

I've only had one D-day but it was full of multiple encounters and TT. Maybe I had one seven years before that when I found some, what I'd term, more perverted porn on his computer. He dismissed that by saying he was just "curious" and I thought, boys will be boys. I had no idea.

Self care: Keeping my power in this relationship! Eating well. Exercising, getting outside, doing and buying things just for me. But most importantly is that I have a real hard plan, financial and otherwise to get out if/when the time comes. If I had to bet I would say there will be another Dday then I can be pleasantly surprised when it doesn't happen. Guess that's kind of messed up.

secondtime posted 2/20/2019 08:09 AM


Getting a masters in my field so that I can continue to stay relevant and be able to work as long a I need to


Trying to stay off sugar

Being Mindful


Engaging in hobbies

Now...ask me if I actually do the last three on my list

DestroyedWife80 posted 2/20/2019 10:14 AM

I was doing well this week- and today especially...feeling strong and motivated, had a busy day planned.

I read the paper today and see an article about a huge bust they did on massage parlors in our area- been investigating for months.

These are MP's in the area my POS-H visits/visited.

I feel like I am spiraling downward. Sobbing, Sick to my stomach. Splitting headache. On one hand, I hope they did net him- they would have done a better investigation than me and on the other hand, I am mortified. He has a job where people hold you to a higher standard regarding the law. The news would have a field day w his name.

Quotes from the article:

"Dozens more arrests are expected as investigators have identified about 100 men believed to have frequented local spa and massage parlors for the purpose of receiving sexual services, Martin County Sheriff William Snyder said during a news conference."

"At Tuesday’s news conference, Snyder noted poster boards with silhouettes representing some of the victims and and the men suspected of taking advantage of them.

“Those are everyday people in every sense of the word,” Snyder said of the men. “Many of the men are married. Many of those men are ongoing relationships. They have jobs. They work. When we start making arrests, they will have their pictures up there."

“When you have an egregious act such as this, people should be put on notice,” Moody said. “Those that partake in these types of crimes will find agencies working together hand in hand to make sure that investigations are successful.”

sami1234 posted 2/20/2019 17:06 PM

Destroyedwife80: I hear you. When these things have happened in my situation I am certain to bring them up. I discuss the articles with him and although I stop short of lecturing I make a point of saying "did you see where" there was an article today about blah blah. He doesn't say much but it gets the point across. I can't resist because I refuse to leave my head in the sand and I refuse to allow him to do so. Don't they all have a job that holds them to a higher standard? Seems pretty common, sadly. Also, looks like you aren't that far away from me geographically.

Lionne posted 2/20/2019 17:18 PM

So, my take on that story is that the emphasis here was on human trafficking, not that they were cracking down on prostitution. I may be wrong, of course.
But these places also advertised bonafide massages, right? So even though your husband did visit them, how would it be known by law enforcement that he was there illicitly? Seems that would have to be a "caught in the act" situation.
Of course you feel disgusted and worried. Hopefully the investigation will focus on the proprietors who trafficked these poor people.
I use an Asian massage place since that's not a trigger for me. It's in the middle of an upper class neighborhood, not that it means anything. The massages are the best and I've never seen anything that isn't above board. I was told, that as long as the place has windows that look out to the front, it's legitimate. Apparently that's not true.
I'm sorry this new worry has entered your life.

ashestophoenix posted 2/20/2019 18:09 PM

My self care:
Always putting myself first
Not cleaning up my husband's messes
Traveling on my own
Buying new clothes that make me feel better
Spending time with the dogs
Reaching out to old friends
Going to movies I want to see
Identifying ways to make new friends
Starting to do crafts again
Working at mt current job
Setting boundaries
Eating healthy food

I just realize putting myself first without needing permission or feeling guilty or apologizing was really important. I'm still trying to take back my personal power in my marriage.

Honestly, it really helped to stop working so hard on my marriage. I do maybe 5% of the physical and emotional labor I used to do and it's great! It frees up time and energy for me.


DestroyedWife80 posted 2/20/2019 18:40 PM

The article today focused on the trafficked women. At the press conference they had a bunch of silhouettes and said within a week over 100 johns will be arrested and their names/pictures exposed. They are starting the process of executing the warrants.

If he were to be exposed like that...I would get a very sick pleasure from it.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 2/20/2019 19:08 PM

Going to an S-Anon meeting tonight for the first time since I've moved back to my old city (was previously living with my parents a couple of hours away).

The city I live in now is a lot bigger and has a lot more "seedy" neighborhoods. The city my parents live in is more wholesome and although still a big city, has a slightly more small town feel to it. For that reason, I am slightly nervous to go to this meeting tonight, as I feel I might run into some stories that are more intense and therefore really triggering.

When I read about what other SA spouses have gone through, I tend to have the feeling that my story isn't bad enough.

At the time when I was still living with him, I only knew about the masturbation addiction, toys and porn. I did not find out until after about the escorts, and honestly still don't have much info on that as I can't do much sleuthing when I never had any access to his personal bank account, and we are no longer living together so no access to phone or ability.

I bring this up because in the past I have felt that there can be a sort of one-up-manship in the sharing portion of meetings. Almost as if to say "oh, you think that's bad? well listen to my story, it makes yours sound like a nursery rhyme." That being said, I am expecting the stories in my new city to be even gnarlier than the ones I've heard, and am trying to mentally prepare for that.

Does anyone have some advice on how to go into a meeting like this? Does anyone have any coping mechanisms they have found successful in dealing with triggers that might come up during a meeting?

Thanks in advance!

Lionne posted 2/20/2019 19:59 PM

a bunch of silhouettes and said within a week over 100 johns will be arrested

Crap. Didn't see that. I hope you can shield yourself from that potential fallout.

And yeah, they deserve to be outed. Too bad there is ancillary damage when they choose that kind of stuff.

secondtime posted 2/20/2019 21:21 PM

He had a double life..

When I read about what other SA spouses have gone through, I tend to have the feeling that my story isn't bad enough.

FWIW, my husband's addiction hasn't yet escalated to real people. It's been contained to compulsive masturbation and porn. My story can really be construed as not being "bad enough."

But, it is.

I don't think my husband is any more or less of an addict. Just like I don't think an alcoholic that only drinks beer is less of an alcoholic than someone who only drinks vodka or something with a very high proof.

It's been awhile since I went to COSA meetings, like a decade or so-we don't have s-anon. I didn't get triggered. For me, listening to others' stories is a good remind of what my husband is capable of. We don't know how addictions will escalate. We just know that they will.

I also have to be mindful of painshopping.

bluetears posted 2/20/2019 21:33 PM

Destroyed! Busts on these places? Yes! We had a huge bust in a big city across the border from me about 3 years ago. They keep a "list" of "safe" men who they know are not cops. (Probably regulars) A search warrant was done and they found a "list" which eventually became public record and was published. One of my friends found her husband's name on that list! No lie!

This is my most important goal is to find out a certain place where I know my H went. I have a phone number and the name of the place but they are soooo under the radar! I even had a man friend call and try to make an appt but he never got a call back. I have a feeling they do an extensive reverse phone number search. Or do the men use a certain lingo to make that appt? I don't know? If anyone finds out these answers, please post!!!

Lionne, Right after Dday, I searched his "Pornhub" and the "escort" sites he was searching. OMG! There were so many girls on the escort site that looked "out of it". You could tell they were on drugs! Let's just say, they did NOT take that photo of themselves. Very Sad!

I remember talking to my H right after finding out about him looking at Porn every single night/ 365. I talked to him about "Supply and Demand". He literally said, "I don't demand anything!" For crying out loud, Do you see what I'm dealing with?!

veryhurt2018 posted 2/21/2019 09:32 AM

I read the paper today and see an article about a huge bust they did on massage parlors in our area- been investigating for months.

DestroyedWife80 - I went through the exact same thing about 2 weeks after I found out about my SAWH. I was sick to my stomach for a few weeks about it. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I'm trying desperately to exercise self-care but it's extremely hard. One thing that I keep on doing is going back and looking at old texts that I found (I recovered 9 years’ worth of texts to/from prostitutes) as well as pictures. You would think that after a while, I would stop but I keep on deleting them and them getting in a bad place and re-looking at them. Ugh. This then sends me into a downward spiral that lasts a few hours and is very painful. Does anyone else do this? I've joined this really nice gym but have only managed to get myself to go about 5 times. I hate working out so it's a struggle for me.

I am almost done reading "Sex Addiction 101" and it was very hard to read but very informational. Now I'm trying to get my SAWH to read it, but he is so swamped with work, therapy & meetings (SAA & other groups to heal himself) that he doesn't have much free time. Even though I'm so proud of him for stepping up and doing all that he can to heal, it's still incredibly hard. I resent him for having to change my life and go to 3 different therapies/meetings a week now, all related to sex addiction.

I'm still having a hard time not blaming myself, which I know in reality is not true. The cheating all started with him right after I had my 2nd child (which was 14 years ago) and I had gained 60 pounds and struggled to get it off. I was at home with 2 small sons when he started cheating with both prostitutes and a co-worker, all of which were very skinny and cute. I can't get it off my mind that if I lost the weight, would it have ever started? I know that this is not the case though. When SAWH’s mom found out what has been going on with him, she confided in us that SAWH's dad was the same way and she decided to look the other way and do nothing about it. This is completely not my nature, so I did not do that. His dad died when he was 15 so after that my MIL buried the pain and never talked about it again, until now. Very hard to hear, as I didn’t know that this was a genetic thing until this all came out. We have 2 boys, too young to discuss now, but SAWH has decided that he will tell him when they each turn 18 that he is a SA and discuss the pain that he put me through so that they get help earlier than he did, if they think they are too.

Lifeexploded posted 2/21/2019 10:06 AM

I have been lurking for a while. Just wanted to let you ladies know that I am still here. I just hate replying on my phone because my autocorrect is drunk.

Someone mentioned that when their sawh talks about other people, men are he/him, and women are that person/they, etc. My sawh does the SAME THING and it drives me crazy. He will go out of his way to mention that a particular customer was an "old lady" or "fat" or whatever else is meant to assure me that he wasn't talking to someone that is a threat. It drives me absolutely up a freaking wall. A month or so ago, he is talking about his coworkers and he mentions "Valarie and Laurie". Now, I knew Valarie worked there, but he had never made mention of Laurie. I immediately jumped on that, and he assures me that she works in a different department (doesn't matter, both secretaries desks are in the same room; the whole business is in one room) and that she was "old". I knew exactly who he was talking about, and she is only 8 years older than him, tops. He also said that they "never speak", and their departments don't have anything to do with each other. Total lie. I don't think he is trying anything with her though. I have talked to a few local people who know her and they don't think she is that type of woman. It's this kind of crap that he keeps digging his grave with. Just be open and honest! What is so hard about that?

We haven't had sex in 17 months. I told him that I refuse to have sex until A)he gets a vasectomy and B)we have a loving emotionally intimate relationship in which I feel safe. He only heard the vasectomy part and one night he wanted to talk about it. It was obvious he thought once that was done it was sex party time. I explained the B) part of the deal and then we had to have a discussion about what "he needs to do" because God forbid he figure that out on his own. We discussed check ins because he doesn't do them, he knows I want weekly check ins (just like basically, hey, I didn't relapse this week, lady tried to flirt with me but here's how I dealt with it, I was tempted to look at porn but instead I did A, B, C.) He doesn't want to do this because it makes him feel like a child. He did say that he relapsed in November with masturbation (because of the no sex, so it's all my fault, but he didn't use those words) but he told his accountability partners and he was going to maintain 90 days of sobriety before he told me. Now what's the point in that? Where is the consequence for acting out? Also .... this was two weeks ago, and guess how many check ins he has done!? Well, of course you can guess. It's ZERO obviously.

My self care is bubble baths (where I get on my phone and get caught up with you guys), work out, go out to breakfast or lunch with friends, and work on my business because my goal is to be earning enough money to be self sufficient so that we can divorce one day.

I guess he thought he was threatening me because he says that this is our last try to save the relationship and then we might as well get a divorce. I shot back, oh really? You're going to leave me with 6 kids and no way to support myself? You already look bad enough with all of your infidelity. You're going to abandon your family too?

Little does he know, I still have an ACE up my sleeve. I still have the recording from THREE years ago of his voice text talking about making plans to exchange blowjobs with another guy and I have it hidden on flash drives in the house, in every email account I own, it's on my phone, it's on both computers in the house, and I am going to send it to my mom. He doesn't know this and I really don't want to have to hold it over his head, but we are not divorcing until I am good and ready unless he wants his family (don't worry, not the kids) to listen to it. I also have proof of all of his infidelity and that he received a hand job from a guy in his handwriting. I have it hidden (he thinks I threw it away) and I am going to make copies and mail that to my mother also.

I wanted this marriage to work, I really did. I am convinced he is BPD. Maybe with a few narcissistic tendencies.

Oh, this morning, our oldest cat (who can't even walk straight because he recently had a seizure or a stroke) pooped in the house and didn't ask to go out. Sawh picked him up, told him he ought to kill him and put him outside. He didn't hurt him, but man, I was so on fire, I couldn't say anything. I couldn't trust what I might say/do. I'm going to have to have a sit down with him about it but tomorrow we have our son's track meet and then a date night with our church that we already paid for ( ) so I'm not going to ruin those times. I seriously hate date night, but it's a small break from the kids so I carry on with the charade.

OH, that reminds me! A few weeks ago, I went kayaking with a girl friend. We were gone a few hours, and of course sawh was mad when I got home. He said we were supposed to take the kids to the river but now it was too late. So he was trying to make me look like the bad guy. He told the KIDS about the river, but not ME, so I didn't know I needed to be home by a certain time, and made it look like I didn't care we had thee other plans with the kids.

Then, a couple of weeks after that, I invited the same friend to go to a Paint like Bob Ross class (that reminds me, I need to pick up my painting). I asked him for permission before I invited her, and he said yes. Later, he got all sulky because I didn't invite him.

When we had our big (trying one more time or divorcing) conversation, he told me he wants me to make him feel wanted. Dude, that's not my job. I literally had no words for that. I don't know what he expects but I damn sure am not going to fake it to stroke his little ego.

I could go on and on, I should update more often. I am going to get on here with my computer more often so that I can be in the conversation.

Stay strong ladies! And to the new ones, I am so sorry that you're here.

Lifeexploded posted 2/21/2019 10:31 AM

Veryhurt, you can still discuss porn and the dangers of it and how to respect women. The average first exposure to porn is somewhere between 8-12 (depending on who you ask) and kids are exposed to so much bad stuff and incorrect attitudes about women. My husband was SA well BEFORE 18. You can talk about porn and the dangers of all types of addictions without telling your story. We are doing this heavily in age appropriate terms as we have 4 boys, ages 5, 9, 13, and 15.

I know you know this isn't your fault, but let me reiterate, a SA will cheat on his wife or SO no matter what. I am small and cute. A size 4, and I always get back to my size after babies. I have long red hair that gets me compliments all the time. I'm not gorgeous, but definitely no slouch either. I loved and adored my husband more than any other human in his life, but he is too broken to see or receive that. If a healthy person is starting to get turned off by their spouse's weight gain, they should start trying to instigate mutual healthy activities like walking after dinner, bring healthier foods into the house, approach the issue in a loving way, etc. You don't just run off to the nearest patch of green grass. He is broken, not you. NOT YOU. NOT YOU.

whoami62 posted 2/21/2019 11:21 AM

I have been reading through this thread and I am finding a lot of useful comments. My SA husband has been seeing a therapist who specializes in SA, but it seems to be going so slowly. I can't say that he is actually * working * on anything.

It hasn't helped that for one reason or another , he has missed the last 3 weeks of sessions ( 2 of the 3 were weather related )

He hasn't, as far as I know looked at anything porn related since I discovered that his affair ( he actually had a LTA , long distance mostly that was directly related to his porn habit )

Besides that POS woman, he also had a few other women that he felt sorry for , so he sent them gift cards and gave an additional woman a data entry job via remote access.

So it was about 1 year post Dday when I found out that he was communicating with her on WhatsApp...nothing actual pornographic, but he requested that she send a photo of herself smiling...this set us back and destroyed the few grains of trust he earned back.

I am feeling very angry lately. I think of it as a sort of delayed reaction , but not sure what in particular I am reacting to.

We are trying to R , but I am having my doubts. He really is a compulsive liar, and I really have a problem with that...even when it isn't about things he is hiding from me.

I can't imagine being happy again. I feel like if I stay, I am screwed , and if I leave, same thing. This is not what I signed up for.
I still love him , but not sure if that is enough.

I really wish his therapist would do more or I would see some results .
I recently joined a support group for wives of SA...met once and last night was supposed to be the second meeting, but it was cancelled due to weather...

So I want to thank all of you ladies posting here. It makes me feel less alone

veryhurt2018 posted 2/21/2019 12:26 PM

We are trying to R , but I am having my doubts. He really is a compulsive liar, and I really have a problem with that...even when it isn't about things he is hiding from me.

whoami62 - I am going through this exact same thing and my therapist told me that SA's are compulsive liars because they lead a double-life. My SAWH would lie over things that were stupid and not even worth lying about, and we are working on that too. The good news is that I'm seeing progress. He lied about something dumb about a month ago and then he turned around and told me the truth, which I feel is progress. Are you seeing a couple's therapist yet? Some people find the couple's therapy better. I go to two different group therapy sessions and one has been very helpful and one, not. I'm not very religious, so I struggle with the S-Anon, but the other one is good for me.
I can't imagine being happy again. I feel like if I stay, I am screwed , and if I leave, same thing. This is not what I signed up for. I still love him , but not sure if that is enough.
. I feel the exact same way but hoping with time I will change my feelings. I already feel it's getting better, because he's working very hard.

whoami62 posted 2/21/2019 12:42 PM

Hi Veryhurt2018
We initially saw a therapist together and both really regret that. She was ill equipped to handle what we were going through. Had no clue how to handle SA, insinuated that I bore some responsibility for WH affair, fat shamed me and also broke confidentiality.
I went one time to his therapist with him, and we were supposed to go to mine yesterday, but she canceled for snow ( the entire 2" ,haha )

SAH fully understands that he has a terrible habit of lying and has since he was a child. Sadly , he had a really difficult childhood due to his dyslexia and resulting bullying that happened.

His therapist is really trying to get to the root of his issues and there is clearly a link with his childhood trauma...he also has a father who was a serial cheater.

On the outside, he appears to be the nicest guy anyone could know...very generous , compassionate and kind. Sometimes , I want to puke when people who know him tell me what a great guy he is , when I am dying on the inside because of all the pain he has inflicted on me.

I feel like the last 9 years of my life are a joke and a lie.

I wish this was just a porn gazing issue. I wish that it never turned into a full blown affair.

I feel like it's like dealing with a functional alcoholic...drinking at home in a somewhat controlled environment. The ability to know that getting behind the wheel of a car or other risky behaviors is never an option . Still an alcoholic , but haven't taken out an entire family because they got behind the wheel of a car and crashed into a mini-van full of a family.

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