SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My story is so long, I would write a book in sharing every detail. My heart is broken right now. I hate going to bed at night and I hate waking up. Life is a nightmare. I've known my husband for nearly 30 years, married for six. He is literally the only man I have ever loved, and now I realize that I wasted my life on someone I looked at for years with rose-colored glasses. Love is blind.

I have a lung disease that will end my life. Diagnosed in 2015. Is hard to write that.

I was given steroidal medicine for my lungs that caused me to almost immediately gain 17 pounds. I also stopped exercising and didn't eat with much discipline. As a result I ended up gaining a total of 25 pounds in the last two years, and it has been an ongoing struggle to get and keep the weight off.

All I heard for the last year or so was how skinny his ex-wife was, how I must not love him enough to lose the weight, how he's losing his attraction for me. It's been devastating. Little things I do wrong get blown up into big things. His temper is short with me. He's constantly saying he's not happy, that he spent a long time married to one woman he wasn't attracted to, that he wasn't going to settle a second time.

I've had to travel for work over the last couple of years, but that is scheduled to end within the next ten months. The distance was hard for him. He hates being on his own without a woman there 24/7 taking care of him. So now he's been saying "I'm tired of 'waiting' for someone I may not even want anymore."

He ended up dumping me over the phone on April 22nd. Our marriage is over. Just like that. Threatened to hang up on me if I kept crying. Told me he would box up all my things and leave them for me in the carport. He owns our house, from his previous marriage, and due to prenup I have no claim to it. He told me I shouldn't be surprised, that there were so many red flags about me, over the years. That my inability to get the weight off left him 'jaded.'

Ironically, I HAVE lost the weight. All of it and a little more, and I couldn't wait to show him when I got home. I told him this, but it didn't matter. It's too late. He wants out.

Then, the very next day, I received Facebook messages from a fraudulent account, saying that he was over me, that I was a fat pig, etc. The messages included screenshots of his Facebook messages to some other woman, and her cellphone number.

I called the woman. She is a childhood friend of his best buddy. She met him, and he gave her his cell number, the DAY BEFORE he dumped me over the phone. I spoke to her at length. She claimed that she had NOT sent me the messages or her cellphone number. She has continued to see him and is now 'in a relationship' with him, according to social media. It's been less than a month since he dumped me.

I told him about the messages, and at first he seemed apologetic, but when he found out I talked to her, he turned on me and actually accused me of of hacking into his account in order to get the messages between him and this woman. Impossible since he had blocked me on social media and changed all his passwords. It could only have been him or her, and I don't think he is the one who did it.

He's basically taking the word of a woman he just met, over the word of the woman who's been married to him for six years, and never lied to him even once in all that time. He called me a crazy B. Told me to never call him again. Told me that they were just friends, but because of ME they were getting closer, and that if they ended up together it was because of me. Told me I had mind-f'ed HIM.

I'm embarrassed and ashamed that I've blown up his emails and text messaging since all this played out. I wrote tons of "how could you" messages. I've made it possible for him to blame the break-up on me by acting so pathetic and crazy. When it really was just about my weight. He tells other people that he left me for lots of reasons unrelated to weight, that he's been unhappy for years. But in private, the last time we spoke, he said "Shame on me for wanting to be with someone who I can be attracted to for the rest of my life."

One of the hardest things to grapple with is knowing I was so disposable to him that he ended up with literally the first person who came along. That his best friend knew about her, and our break-up, before I did is humiliating. The other woman is 12 years younger than him. And I am not a superficial person at all, so please forgive me for saying this. BUT if he left me for lack of attraction, then WHY is he with such a plain jane woman as the one he is currently seeing? I don't understand.

I am now blocked by him on his phone. His mom passed away, and I never got to say goodbye. Nobody told me. His other woman was in our home with him, comforting him. I was on the phone with him later that same day (our final conversation) and he just blurted out that she had died that morning. Accused me of not respecting the day because I was distraught over our break-up. I told him his mom's death did not give him the right to betray and mistreat me.

I don't even know him. Maybe I never did. There are so many other things he's done that I did nothing about, because I loved him. In November, right after I set up his Facebook page for him, he used it to try and set up a coffee date with someone. Never told me, I saw the text on his phone. He's angry that I found out about that. Turned it on me, told ME that I violated HIS trust. Somehow he thinks I am a brilliant hacker who can get into phones and social network accounts that I've been blocked on.

I am now alone, homeless, his family has ghosted me. His whole small hometown probably is having a gossip fest over this right now. He hates me. He's telling people I was a jealous wife who hacked into all his personal accounts, and drove him into the arms of another woman.

He is livid that I call him a cheater. Says "on his dead mother's grave" he never cheated on me. I'm sorry, in my book it's cheating if you try to meet another woman for coffee behind your wife's back, and it's cheating to give another woman your number and tell her you're single. His justification? That he's been unhappy for a long time. He also swears that he gave the other woman his number on the same day he dumped me, not the day before. As if that's much better. Rebound much?

How do people survive this kind of hurt?

First, huge hugs ((((NorCalLost))))

This has to be one of the most horrific betrayals that I have read on SI.

He certainly did not take "in sickness and in health" to heart, huh?

This is not about YOU at all, sweetie. Not your weight, your illness, nothing. Marital issues can be attributed to both parties, but his decision to dump you for someone else was 100% on HIM.

Frankly, I think he is a very sick, selfish man who does not want to be alone as he knows your illness is terminal, so he sabotaged your M.

I am sorry, yet glad you found us. We're here for you.

Others will be along soon with more words of encouragement and advice for you.

One thing...please see an attorney asap...you have rights and you need to get that knowledge...

God bless you, sweet lady.

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 12:07 PM, May 18th (Friday)]

Hi there, I am so sorry that you are going through this, you will get plenty of support here, so keep posting and vent away.

The first thing I would say, is that this has nothing to do with your weight, when you love someone you love the person. My husband was a 32 inch waist when I met him, 42 this time last year and I still loved and found him very attractive.

It sounds as though your husband is very cruel and verbally abusive, that he used your 'weight' as an excuse to justify his infidlity. HE has the problem, not you, let him own it.

He has been particularly vile and nasty as your small amoubnt of weight gain was due to illness and he ought to have loved you even more knowing you are ill and needed him.

When I fist joined here a couple of months back, I was given excellent advice about 180 and not contacting him. It has saved me from making a fool of myself and from more hurt, please read about it in the healing library top left hand corner in the yellow tab.

DO NOT contact him again for your own self esteem, but more importantly all you get when you do, is more buse from him and more hurt.

Write out what you would like to say to him and then either post it here to vent, or delete it, but do not send it or contact him in any way. He is causing you pain! if your hand was hurting from being too close to the fire, you would snatch it away to stop the hurt, apply the same logic now to him and your feelings.

The amazing people here at SI will help you, they have been there, done that and bought the T shirt. Also many of us are still going through it and can support you too.

Could you perhaps tell us more, you don't mention any children and you also say you have no right to stay in his house. Surely you must have some rights, so it is worth getting legal advice.

Sending you hugs

He's an asshole.

Already I feel that you people are my people. Thank you so much for the support.

In answer to a previous question, we have no children between us. I am 50. He is 52. His OW is 40. He has an adult daughter, who by the way just happened to block me on social media a couple days ago. Heaven knows what her dad said to her that caused her to do that.

You don't just lose your spouse in this horrible process. You sometimes lose their family too.

As far as the house, it was in his previous wife's family for decades. When they divorced, he became sole owner of it. His former father-in-law and brother-in-law own homes on the same land. As part of our prenup, we came into marriage with separate assets and were to leave with separate assets, including bank accounts. I'm not sure where I'm going to live now. I don't have alot of savings. I may have to stay with my sister out of state for a time.

NorCalLost:

Let me get this straight: you started to gain weight after beginning to take steroids to help with a dire illness. What an asshole!

So sorry you find yourself here. First, please take care of yourself. Do not engage him in any way. It is called doing the 180. Treat him as an annoying relative. His infidelity had nothing to do with your weight or illness and everything to do with his lack of integrity and honesty. Simply ignore him. No contact means no new hurts. Please see an attorney and learn your rights. If I were you I would want to have him served immediately, but I try not to advise on when to serve D papers. It is a very personal decision. But please don’t put up with any more of his shit!

I have no words of comfort. Your situation is beyond heartbreaking. I'm so sorry that you're here.

I think the 'weight' excuse is just that, an excuse. You were diagnosed, and he began looking for a reason to jump ship. Why? Maybe scarrs from his mother's passing, the inability to face death. Maybe it's because you can't take care of him if you're sick. Either way, he's a selfish pig that is leaving his wife in her darkest hour. That is infidelity in and of itself. Remember the vow, 'In sickness and in health?'

He's been, at the very least, grooming a new 'mommy' to step into your role. And regardless of when he first made it physical, he is married to you right now. That's cheating. A phone call does not dissolve a marriage. He has no more legal right to boink her today than he did a month ago.

No matter what he says, this is NOT your fault. Nothing you did caused him to act this way. None of it. It is his fault. His character defect.

Read up on the 180 (The Healing Library, upper left-hand corner). Get an attorney. There may be an infidelity loophole in the prenup.

You can find support here. Post. Go no contact with him.

His heart is hard. He's not showing you remorse. He's not being honest. He doesn't seem to want reconciliation. He may be in the 'fog,' (also in the HL) or he may be more selfish than you ever thought possible.

We're here for you. Sending you strength and hope.

I'm so sorry for all of this and especially for this to happen to you on top of the illness. It is funny when I finally left my WW it was because I had attended a funeral of the guy who had been our best man. My ex was "too busy" to go with me so I faced all of that alone. This guy had been my best friend since junior high and college roommate and yet she couldn't take the time to go with me. Any way I thought then why am I wasting so much of my finite life on someone so selfish? Why am I living with daily triggers and reminders of the pain she caused me when I get nothing the one time I really needed her?

I left soon after. In your case, unfortunately, the finite life is even more apparent which makes it even sadder. I know this is hard for you to face but what I think you should do in whatever time you have left in this world is to enjoy it. Don't try to fight for this marriage. He's not. You'd have a huge uphill battle to even get him to close to what you would need to reconcile from here and it would take so much of your precious time and energy. Just let it go. Go stay with your sister. Make new friends. Divorce this asshole.

NorCalLost. Wow. I’m so very sorry. Sorry your WH is such a jerk. Sorry for your illness and diagnosis. Sorry for the hell that he’s put you through. Sorry his family is treating you so horribly. Just so very sorry. This is heartbreaking.

Glad you found this place. You will find a lot of support and encouragement here.

I know you are hurt and your heart is shattered, but as I read your description of his actions, I can’t help but be relieved for your sake that you are no longer in a relationship with him. He sounds like such a self-absorbed, self-righteous asshole. You definitely don’t need him in your life. What a jerk. I honestly am livid on your behalf.

I hope, that as you read here, you will discover that infidelity says a lot about the betrayer, and nothing about the one that was betrayed. His weakness and lack of character is not about any of your faults. Not your illness. Not your weight. Not about you. Everything he says are simply excuses for him to justify his actions. To make him feel good about himself an excuse himself for his terrible behavior. I am outraged that he points this all back toward your shortcomings. Unbelievable. Despicable.

I could really get myself worked up into a long rant here, but just know that I am sending you all my virtual love, strength and support to move forward and heal and continue your life without him. If your time here on earth is limited, best not to waste a single moment on a character like him. You deserve so much better. Hugs to you. Prayers for you. ((((NCL)))

Hi NorCalLost,

Please take Fareast advice & implement it now.

This jackhole is not worth another second of your time.

He is heartless & frankly, it sounds like you are the winner in this although I know right now you are very hurt.

Sorry you are here but in your situation it is the best place to be for advice.

Don't stop coming here, you're going to need people to help you through his verbal abuse & mind games.

I totally agree I need to 180 him. Prior to this happening, we spoke all day every day whenever I was out of town. He was my best friend in every sense of the word. It's been hard not having that anymore. BUT I have made progress. I have not contacted him in anyway since Sunday. Only five days of no contact, but I'll take it.

I did send condolence flowers. I loved his momma, and I feel like I was also cheated out of the opportunity to say goodbye to her. Also, I'm sure it's part of his spin to portray me as so self-involved that I didn't even care that his mom died.

He used to say that he hated self-righteous people, the ones who had no accountability, and blamed their own misdeeds on others. That's what he's doing to me. Taking no ownership for what he did. He had no problem doing it, but he had no idea he'd get caught and that I'd react the way I did, because I've always been so passive and accepting.

Wow. He is certainly no prize. You are the prize. My heart breaks for you, it's all such a sack of shit.

I can't believe the OW would stay with someone that treats their ex so horribly.

NCL:

Sorry you are here, but boy, are you better off without that asshole.

I'm guessing he's cheated on you for a long time, with that bullshit entitled attitude. What a fuckhead.

You are going to find happiness without that twit.

Echoing the other members who feel that you are well out of this relationship, even if it doesn't feel that way yet.

I hope that you will be able to get legal advice soon.

He is a cheater and a scum bag. He’s doing you a great favor by wanting to cut all contact with you. You’ll benefit from that more than he will. Focus on yourself and your life without this douche bag in it. You can do this.

[This message edited by CincyKid at 11:51 AM, May 19th (Saturday)]

If he does contact you again, tell him how happy you are that you lost some weight. If he asks how much, ask him what he weighs

You are well rid of him.

Your post has made me angry for you. I understand your pain. Your wayward ex-husband is a deluded and despicable individual. His character is extremely flawed. One day and I hope it is soon you will realize that you are so much better off without him. No one deserves a spouse that in their time of need abandons and betrays them. Go silent on social media regarding him, his family, and so-called friends. Avoid all contact with him or anyone associated with him that did not support you. Never reach out to him again. I am sure your sorrow did nothing but boost his pathetic ego. Never play the Pick Me dance again. Remember nothing you did or did not do has any bearing on his decision to cheat and abandon you. He is a shallow individual that clearly is selfish without remorse. Believe nothing he says. His actions show what he is. He is a cheater whether he likes the name or not. He is a coward and not worthy of someone like you. I am sorry you had to experience his verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse. You are so much more than he deserves. I know your life is in disarray right now but it will get better. Clarity of vision will come. You will see him for what he is and one day hopefully feel nothing. He does not deserve your Love or any other emotion. Take care of yourself. Post when you feel the need. We are here for you.

(((NCL)))

Your WH is one of the top douchebags I've ever seen described here on SI. What a LOSER!!!

And hahahaaaaa!!! That pathetic OW is now stuck with him!!

You have a life-threatening illness. You're on meds. You've gained weight (and 25lbs only!!). If it ever comes up again, ask him, "What's YOUR excuse? Why don't you have abs like David Beckham? It's ALWAYS disappointed me that your forearms look like wet noodles. (Sigh...). And your hair...that thinning spot...Why can't you be a real man and shave your head? Where's your confidence? Where are your balls? I just can't live with you any longer. I gladly release you to OW. Here, take this old "Abs of steel" vhs tape. You need it. Ta ta!"

Prick.

Don't cry over this man. He is without honor, integrity, loyalty, or commitment and is completely devoid of compassion. To be truthful you are way to good for him and as a human being you are totally out of his league. You are in the major league and he is a batboy in a third rate minor league. There are men that like women with a plus size figure. My wife is a plus size and she is everything I want in a woman. Dry your eyes because his day of "oh s**t, I messed up, is coming. I do wish you well.

You are beautiful inside and out. His standards do not mean anything - just an excuse to be something other than human. I wish he could hang, play, compete with some of my peers and friends. We would embarrass his punk ass physically, emotionally, and intellectually. There is always someone that does it better. He wins the deluded, despicable, loathsome prize today. That is what he is best at. She so called girlfriend is an idiot. She will get hers from him. We are all mortal. When he has to face this he will be a blubbering little bitch. Aging, accidents, and disease will come for him -- Mr. POS. Who does this to someone they have promised to love and committed too?

Lastly, Please keep us posted. Look after your health. I am sorry. We are here for you.