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I can’t believe I’m posting on this forum my D day was April 12th for the discovery that my partner of 12 years has been texting other women. The second D Day was April 14th with the real truth that he is having two full blown affairs simultaneously. The first affair is with someone my daughters age started at work almost a year ago. She was 21 he was 35!

She’s a college student in Florida so he’s taken 2 trips there to see her lying that he was visiting His dad. Well he did see his dad as well unfortunately he introduced her to him. I know this women and now I know why she turned her head and wouldn’t look at my face when I met her at his work benifit last summer.

The second persons details are still mostly a mystery to me as all I’ve learned has been from a 2 hr study of his texts and photos. I know that she brings him food to work, meets him during lunch breaks and right after work for sex before coming home to me and our 11 year old son. They both sext him round the clock and he disappears and talks on the phone after I fall asleep. When I found out I was devastated. We are seeing a M counselor on Wednesday it will be our second visit. I’m trying to self care as much as possible and treat him well not wanting these events to change my character or behavior. I’m trying to decide if I should stay with a cheater? I did have a rage phase where I smashed 3 dinning room chairs and fought with him physically which I never want to repeat. I hate him so much and still love him! Anyone going through this please help😒 I don’t think he’s ended these relationships yet even though the therapist said he must! I’m preparing my terms on paper for NC and what my boundaries are! This is so hard and I cry every day! Our son knows

OK, yes definitely read around here for advice that will apply to your situation. I'm sorry you're here but you're the right place.

Read in the healing library in the yellow at the top left of the site.

MC is probably too early. Your WS is still in contact with the AP. There is no chance to work on your marriage while this is happening.

I had to ask my cheater to leave and give me space until I could decide what to do. The distance gave me the ability to think clearly without being triggered all the time.

Please read around here and post. It helps.

Hi MJJ,

So sorry to read your story and I know it is no comfort but it is so familiar around here. Poke around a lot on the site reading other's stories and you will see a pattern to all of this that I am sure you will be able to identify with. For now there is no decision to be made by you if your WH (Wayward Husband) is still seeing these other women. You can't decide to reconcile with him while he is actively in multiple Affairs. You need to start detaching. Read the information on the 180 in The Healing Library. That can become your friend. You are clinging on which is not good for your self-esteem and mental health. Start to detach. It will help you make the decisions you need to make.

I think you should stop the MC for now. It is a waste of time and money. As your counselor says he needs to end the Affairs to start this work and he hasn't. You would be better off spending the money on an IC (Individual Counselor) for you. He needs one as well but until he comes to his senses about the other women that is also a waste of time.

If you practice the 180 you can detach from this situation a bit emotionally and see it for what it is, abuse. Plain and simple he is abusing you and you need to get out of abuse. I am sure if it were physical abuse you would seek a shelter, kick him out, move away with your son or do something to escape this. This kind of mental abuse and cruelty demands no less of a strong response. He is sitting on the fence and trying to have it all. Kick his cheating butt off the fence. Tell him you are moving on from Infidelity. There is a chance he can come along but with or without him you are moving out of this abusive situation. Then go see a lawyer. Get your finances together. Get your emotions in check by practicing the 180. File for a divorce

He may wake up in time, divorces take time to process, but you need to stop letting him dictate terms for your life and health.

[This message edited by beenthereinco at 11:57 AM, April 28th (Saturday)]

First, I am so very sorry you are here! ((HUGS)) Second, I agree that counselling is useless if you WS is not repentant and has not ended the A's. Your priority is you and your son NOT HIM. Definitely the 180 is in order here. Stop taking care of and doing anything for him. Then see an attorney as to the legalities of your situation and see a doctor to get yourself checked and for anything else you might need. He can obviously take care of himself!

I’m sorry for you - you are stuck in a bad situation. It’s different st DDay if the cheater ends the A.

But you gave more issues when the cheater continues.

He can go for counseling all he wants. It doesn’t matter what he says. His actions do not match his words.

He may be saying “I don’t know what I want to do” in counseling or to you but if he talks to the OW - he is choosing what he wants to do.

Read up on the 180. You no longer needs to be his wife or GF or support system. That needs to end by you. He has chosen to disrespect you and you should choose you and your sanity over him.

The 180 is meant to protect you. To disconnect a bit emotionally from him. If he goes running to the OW b/c you did not cook his dinner - that choice has nothing to do with you . Please know that.

Do not let him blame you for his choices. It has nothing to do with you.

And I suggest counseling for you and you alone to learn how to deal with this mess !

I'm right there with you. I gave my husband 2 ultimatums (NC and no alcohol) it took 3 weeks for him to tell me okay he would do which lasted a day. I know that he is continuing to talk to her in another method. He knew that I was tracking cell phone calls, now now calls but is data has sky rocketed. He refuses MC so I'm doing IC. I'm working on the 180. I'm trying to keep things together in the house until July but doing my research and making plans for my future. I can't believe all of the emotions I go through daily or even every hour. I'm sorry you are going through this. Mine has shown no remorse and still tells me hes done nothing wrong. I am doing the bare minimum to keep him placated and thinking that I'm believing his line of BS. I have set up po box, email and bank in my name. Still need to consult lawyer and giving him a "honey do" list for the graduation party coming g up but knowing it's all stuff that needs to be done before I can list the house. I'm terrified but doing these things has given me a bit more sense of control over my future. Let me know if you find other things that help.

I think if my WS hadn’t ceased contact immediately I’d of struggled to keep him in the home. So I really admire you for that. I’m a little further on 6 weeks today in fact it’s more or less exactly 6 weeks right now since I encountered the full extent of the affair. (Well started reading the emails). I agree with the others. Seek IC first. We went to a Mc first (6 days after DDay) and she said it was a little soon but we could do it but both needed individual sessions before we could continue. I know it’s hard to accept that cause it’s like do we just act like nothing has happened until we can discuss it??

Make sure your taking care of you. Make sure your eating and drinking little and often as you probably won’t stomach big meals etc.

Sending you healing hugs

Do not go to MC. As other posters have said, it's too soon.

Shock and awe him. Detach as much as you can. Read up on the 180. Your wellbeing is your priority for the sake of yourself and your children, if you have children.

He will not be remorseful because he has had not consequences for his actions (eg. Divorce, separation, kicking him out of the house, blowing up the A). Again, shock and awe him. He did something you never expected in a million years. Now, it's your turn to do what he never expected in a million years.

The only one keeping you in this nightmare is yourself. I wish you well.

Thanks everyone for your shared stories and wisdom. I’m sorry you are all on this forum too. Based on your words I’m focusing on the 180 and reading in the healing library. I didn’t cry yesterday so that is something. I’m not sure that I want to R? I’m examining my codependency closely we live in one of the most expensive areas and I think that if he had somewhere to go he’d have gone already. OW #1 lives in the dorms at college lol writing that out it seems ridiculously funny! 😂OW #2 lives with her boyfriend and his 3 year old daughter! I guess lover boy didn’t think this through!! I got a massage yesterday and bought some new clothes for myself. That felt good. It’s hard not to tell people what’s going on. This forum helps me with that. I have an event at my work today and I’ll be busy it’s this early morning time and waking up in the middle of the night in a panic that I feel the most vulnerable. So again thanks for responding. I’m trying to be calm and centered while thinking the worst kind of thoughts.

I'm sorry you had to join our club.

We are seeing a M counselor on Wednesday it will be our second visit.

Marriage counseling is a waste of your money. You're dealing with a serial cheater and marriage counseling has nothing to DO with his desire to continually cheat on you.

Serial cheaters rarely change. Therapy is a big crap-shoot because most cheaters STILL don't change no matter how many therapists you throw them at. And unqualified therapists have a tendency to throw the 'sex addict' label at any man who cheats with more than one person, so don't be surprised if you hear that unqualified diagnosis. come your way. It's the popular go-to right now.

As the others have said, study up on the 180 and put it into motion. It's designed to give YOU some badly needed direction and give you the tools to detach from your cheating spouse while he's acting like a horse's ass. Serial cheaters are considered 'high risk' because they're pretty hard to reform. Not impossible, but the odds are definitely not in your favor that therapy will turn him into a saint.

You're d4ealing with a guy who knows he's devastated you and he STILL goes on doing what he was doing. You're dealing with a guy who doesn't give a rat's ass about ANYONE but himself. When he's got a therapist telling him to stop and a wife whose devastated by his shit behavior and he's STILL acting like a cheating asshole, then quite frankly, he's not worthy of anything. Not forgiveness and CERTAINLY not reconciliation.

I wouldn't waste another 12 seconds on someone like this.

Set up an appt. with a lawyer to find out what your options would be in the event of a divorce. Don't tell him you're going because that just looks like a desperate, lame attempt to try to get a reaction out of him and once you're doing the 180, you shouldn't be engaging with him anyway.

Knowledge is POWER. Right now you're feeling helpless. The 180, coupled with legal knowledge, will give you some much needed strength.

Your H has the ability to change if he wants to.

My H was cheating (again!) while I thought we were in reconciling. At DDay2 I did the hard 180 and told him I was divorcing him and he had to move out.

That was the bucket of cold water he needed. It was finally setting in on what he had done. And how we were over.

And it has been 5 years and we are happy and reconciled.

So if your H chooses to “get it” and change and make the commitment - R is possible.

Right now he has the wrong focus and he is being selfish and disrespectful to you.

Glad you have a plan B - and will execute. I hope he wakes up before it is too late.

I had been married almost 29 years when the last straw broke me. No more emotions. No more "asking". I told him. This is what you must do for the privilege of living under the same roof.

I filled out an online separation agreement for our state, which will remain in force until I officially take it off record. Our finances separated immediately. The separation agreement required he earn a certain amount to pay support for our son in college and to me, in exchange for the roof over his head and board. He knew I would not hesitate to shut off his phone is he used it to contact her again and since the phone bill was in my name, I could tell who he was talking with.

That's how I lived with a cheater - I was getting my ducks in a row and need to buy time. But this is how I did it.

Well I’m drawing a 180 boundary line today! Here is a copy of my text I’m not stupid I know that you have not ended your communication with both Of the OW!! (I saw you texting and hiding communication even at Our sons play rehearsal as soon as I came over you closed up what you were doing on your phone) and you are hiding your phone again! Why haven’t you manned up and told them both its over. You haven’t cut up the underwear from Her like I asked either. Your actions show me that you aren’t serious about keeping our relationship and everything we have worked for during the past 12 years! We have A counseling appointment at 7pm on Wednesday and all of step one will be discussed. I’m letting you know in advance that I will be asking you to write letters to them both stating that you want NO Contact or communication, the relationships are over because you are recommitting to your relationship with Me and your son. These aren’t goodbye lover letters! They are direct statements without emotion. They will be mailed and not hand delivered. You need to chose! I will not let you keep disrespecting me sexually and emotionally. Our sexual relationship is not unfortunate and unsatisfying! We have every blessing a person could imagine but it’s not enough for you! I’m moving on from your infidelity and disrespect! If you don’t chose us then you have to move out immediately.

Good for you Mojojo.

You are taking a strong stand for you and your children. I am proud of you for moving out of Infidelity. I hope that your WH wakes up and realizes what a great wife he has and tries to fix this mess he created.

[This message edited by beenthereinco at 9:49 AM, April 30th (Monday)]

Your letter or text is a bit contradictory - in a way.

You are telling him to write a letter ending the Affairs.

He may or may not do that - but can easily turn around and resume the As because he has no intention of ending it.

If I could suggest a firmer approach. Do the 180. Go to the counseling session. Those are both good plans and strategies.

But if you have provided your expectations and he has not followed through thrn that is an indication he has no intention of making you and the M his priority. He has not ended the A or stopped contact with OW or cut up underwear.

And nothing you do or say will make him change until HE DECIDES TO CHANGE AND MAKE THE COMMITMENT .

I hope you understand that. He either makes the commitment or not. You cannot reason or show him or do anything to make him change his mind.

But you can do things to get yourself out from under him. Not saying you must D him. But you do not have to live with him as a cheater.

You have options - you can 180 him and have him sleep in a separate room or ask him to move out. You have options.

Unfortunately this is a game to him. He doesn’t think you are going to get real.

Nor did my H. But when I executed my plan B on DDay 2 - I was calm. Rational. Matter of fact. But I had a plan in place from living with his A for 6 months (most of which I thought the A was over and he ended it).

I hope this helps. Tell him you know about the continued contact. But yelling him to write a letter - he may do it but I doubt he will commit to it.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:46 AM, April 30th (Monday)]

I realize this is a site for getting out of infidelity. You need to get out of the marriage. If a 35 a year old man is hooking up with a girl still young enough to live In a dorm on a college campus he is about five years old emotionally. My question to all bs is what do you expect one year, five years, 10 years, 20 years and on. This man is cheating on you and he is cheating on the other women with each other and with you. Do you really think he is going to change into a dependable grown-up? He is about 15 years past that “sell by” date. You are young enough to get a new life and not have to worry every day about what he is up to because he will be up to something.

I moved out most of his stuff into storage today you are all right he has to GO!! What was I hinking!

Hey everyone I hit my breaking point today! Moved as much stuff of my WS’s into a storage unit down the road! Had to call the police because he threatened me and tried to come home to sleep! They got him to leave he’s coming back tomorrow with an officer to get the rest of his stuff! He had just worked a 14 hr day but I read the 180 over and over until it sunk in! I realized that I don’t have to live with a cheater and that I needed to stop shielding him from the consequences of what he did. I have no idea what’s in store for tomorrow but I’m detaching from fear!

Strength to you as you move forward. Do not be bullied or intimidated in to letting him back, at least right away. Detach. Do the 180. No contact. Remember no contact means no new hurts.

Mojojo. Good move!!!

When I was 20 I fell victim to a guy like your H. He was not married (he was divorced) but clearly he “picked me” for less than honorable reasons. I was young and naive and it was obvious.

I had no experience with a serial cheater. None.

He told me he was 29. He was 37!!! Everything after that was a lie too. I finally ended it when I found out he had another GF on the side.

Any 35 year old who dates a 21 yo has serious issues. Talk about a mid life crisis!!! And it would not surprise me if you see this as a pattern for many years. He will get older but continue to date much much younger girls. I’ve seen it happen over and over.

You did the right thing by moving his stuff out