SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Arn

Don’t get me wrong… My advice is based on you getting what you want and right now it sounds like you want to save your marriage. But I think that there is too much naivety and optimism in your last post.

This was not an ONS. Your wife went out of her way to meet up with him. She arranged to meet him, she went out of her way to meet him and she went and met him.

She says she wanted to meet him because of deficiencies in you. Why is this important? Because your answer seems to focus on how you can remove those deficiencies. How you can behave so she doesn’t need to find her validation elsewhere…

It also sounds like you don’t have the truth. At least you don’t KNOW if you have the truth.

I think it’s extremely far-fetched that the OM has already conceited a story about a non-existent hotel-room to somehow fool his GF. As if going to a hotel room is worse than going to your WW car for sex? Something is off and you NEED to get to the truth.

I think any marriage can survive infidelity. This does not mean every marriage should survive. It’s totally up to those in the marriage what they want to do and what they can do. I think you could reconcile your marriage…

BUT…

ONLY from a basis of truth.

ONLY from a basis of total accountability.

You could call your wife a lard-bucket daily. You could make fun of her and suggest she wear a bag. That would make you the worst husband ever and abusive. It would give her a great reason to divorce you. But it would NOT give her a reason to cheat.

YES – you should definitely make your wife feel like she’s the ONLY woman you see. YES – you two should work hard at creating the best relationship ever. But if you do it on the wrong basis you are sending the wrong message:

“I had sex with another man. I told Arn and since then he’s treated me like a queen. Now Arn is distant again and I like the bulge in that new guy in Sales pants. That will get Arns attention again”.

What is needed is a realization and admittance that her decision to seek out and foster her decision to have an affair and to see it through is a sign of some weakness and that weakness has to be addressed and dealt with. By HER. Not by you.

^^ this

Thanks for all the replies, sorry I've not had time to respond to everyone but I have read through all your opinions. I feel a bit overwhelmed at the moment. My head is a mess and I can't think straight. I'm struggling to take in all the information both in this thread and on the forums. The stresses of life are getting tough to keep up with. I've just been ill and now my son is. I've been busy deep cleaning the house, shopping, cooking meals and doing laundry. I don't have time to stop and get my head straight.

As someone else picked up on, I don't like confrontation. My WW is very used to getting her own way in every aspect of life, and I find confronting her futile. She is stubborn and I don't see her being able to accept that she needs therapy. She also has quite a narcissistic personality I think, which influences her behaviour.

Yesterday things went a little downhill during a conversation. From observation she's been doing better in regards to getting over OM. She'd found ways of coping at work. She always tells me about any interaction on the phone. OM said his gf is almost ready for labour and my wife told him very sternly to go be supportive and concentrate on her. This was my WW hinting that she's not interested in him and he should get on with his life.

I decided to ask my WW outright how she is coping. She said she was doing well and managing to suppress the thoughts of him fairly well. But then the conversation continued and I asked a couple of probing questions I'd just thought of regarding the time she met him. She answered truthfully. She also told me a couple of minor details she'd remembered. But this discussion has completely knocked her back because all the thoughts of what happened, how she misses him, how attractive he is, how good he was to talk to, etc have re-entered her head. She is mad at me because she doesn't want to feel like this and wants to get over him.

This has made me see how fragile she is and how easily her mind could turn. I feel pretty horrible. Both for upsetting her and because its dawning on me how messed up this situation is and how little I know about how to cope and how to act.

[This message edited by ArnTheMug at 5:40 AM, April 19th (Thursday)]

It is a pos's pos who cheat on his pregnant wife. it says something about your wife too. POS is discussing his wife condition with your wife. It is not a sign of her getting over him. Hope you inform the wife of the pos it is your first step to get your wife back (since you want that way)

Arn...you did not cause her to cheat. You can’t nice her into fidelity. You can’t fix her. Your actions are screaming “I’m terrified of losing you - I will do anything to keep you!” This feeds her entitlement.

I’ll be blunt

1. She is still not telling you the truth

2. The affair is now underground. Another thing is it’s on ‘ice’ meaning they wait for trouble to pass then just start up again. Him having a kid is an opportune time for this

3. If you want her out of the affair then you will expose to her boyfriend’s significant other. That she is pregnant is 100% more reason to do so. She MUST know what is happening before birth certificates are signed. It is also your ONLY way out of the affair.

Unfortunately all of these things have patterns. If your wife is displaying narcissistic traits then these patterns are even much more so typical.

You are still in infidelity.

So you asked questions, your WW realized the depths of her mistakes and her problems, has trouble dealing with it, so it's your problem, it's your fault?

Here is a question for you. Her talking to you about how the A started is too much for her to handle, she misses the OM just from that. But you think that they can talk together at work and it's NOT a problem? This completely defies logic.

YOU are not responsible for your WW's actions! Don't let her blame you for how she feels! You didn't force her into the A.

Only you can decide when you have had enough. Think about how much bullshit you are putting up with. From what you have written, I see no chance your WW makes the changes in herself that she needs to in order for you to be able to trust her. 1. She still blames you for her problems. 2. She's still in contact with OM. 3. She refuses counseling. 4. She clearly isn't putting you first and trying to rebuild your trust. It is all about her and how she wants to move on.

Hello Arn,

How about you work on you a bit. This is a very painful situation you are in, and it seems there are aspects of your WW's personality at play as well.

It's difficult to think clearly and deal with it effectively when you are at this stage. How about you try some counseling? It helps a great many people re-orient their thoughts and develop mental patterns and strategies to live their lives happier and more effectively.

A rule of thumb for this site, based on 60k+ peoples experiences is that if contact continues the affair continues.

You can't uncross the Rubicon or unscrew the pooch. Nor can your wife.

Her staying in contact with on puts your wife in an untenable position. She's already crossed boundaries, had an affair, and you think its harder - no easier - to recross that line?

Her stating in contact with on is going to be nothing by bad news for you and your marriage. Either work transfers his account to another or she leaves work is really the only option.

On another note you don't want to tell on wifw because she is pregnant. Great. What's the next excuse? That she has a small child? There will always be an excuse not to tell. There are valid reasons why you should - she deserves to know the truth, she has a right to make informed decisions about her life, her knowing puts another pair of eyes on on and your ww, exposure is the best way to kill an affair, and the list goes on. Not to mention its the only moral decision possible for you. Wouldn't you want someone to tell you if it was you in those shoes or would you rather not know your spouse was cheating?

These are two huge mistakes. Huge. No contact is a MUST. Telling obs is a MUST. 60k test cases showing over and over these are MUSTS. You might be the only exception but I'd not count on it.

I understand what you're saying, it's just so hard to believe it's happening. It's only been 17 days since she cheated so still fresh and raw.

I am debating telling OM's GF but I know my wife will talk me out of it. I can't win.

I feel like I shouldn't make any decisions yet though. I've already given her the 2nd chance early on which was a major decision. I think I should monitor the situation and see how my wife behaves for a while. At least you've all made me aware it could go underground. If so I'll figure it out.

And yeah I think I need to focus on taking care of myself a bit, as I do put myself last. Good weather just arrived and I've got my shorts and shades on, trying to enjoy the sun.

I can't win.

That's because you're letting her make the rules.

DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE THAT YOU ARE EXPOSING. It will just give them an opportunity to come up with a cover story.

THIS WILL GIVE YOU CONTROL.

She will of course go nuts because you have ruined her affair. Of al of the things in this world to piss your wife off over, this is the one that you can safely assume that you are one billion percent in the right for

Yeah she always makes the rules. I'm a complete pushover sadly. You could say that's not a healthy relationship to begin with.

Regarding exposing, OM has already told his GF a lying version of the story and she's apparently forgiven him. Saying that he turned my WW down and then went home. But it wouldn't surprise me if his GF has suspicions. My WW drove him home, round the corner from his house. He'd have had glitter lipstick on him and smell of my WWs perfume.

She is mad at me because she doesn't want to feel like this and wants to get over him.

This has made me see how fragile she is I feel pretty horrible for upsetting her

I am debating telling OM's GF but I know my wife will talk me out of it. I can't win.

Arn,

The above quotes are all examples of you allowing yourself to be her door mat.

She had the A, you should be mad; and you shouldn't give a rat's ass if talking about the A makes her mad.

You shouldn't be worrying about how fragile she is, she should be worrying about your pain.

You don't accept her pining for the OM or talking about how's she's trying to get over him. You need to shut that down. That's her issue, and she better fake it till she makes it. You don't allow her to disrespect you that way on top of what else she's done.

You don't need her permission to expose the OM to his GF, you just do it without telling her. If she doesn't like, tough shit.

Good grief man.

[This message edited by badmemory at 9:23 AM, April 19th (Thursday)]

Are:

I will say gently:

Perhaps one of the reasons your WW feels safe to have an A and then keep working with her AP is because she does not respect you, and she knows you will not impose any consequences. And I could be way off base but I bet she sees her AP as a strong man, despite the fact he is a low life POS cheating on his pregnant girlfriend. Your relationship with your WW is not healthy. She needs to respect you equally as you do her. She can not see you as a doormat. This does not mean that you have to be mean or cruel or bully her. It means you layout boundaries for your relationship and if she can not maintain those boundaries. Adios amigo! Just my thoughts.

Thanks for the enlightening replies. Fareast I think you're right. She's never respected me really. I've always been her doormat. Maybe this has always been an unhealthy foundation of our relationship. I've known this a long long time and not been able to do anything about it

Hi,

I think you should read two books :

When I say no, I feel guilty, by Manuel J Smith.

And No more Mr nice guy by Robert glover.

Look if there is some men support group in your area

Hi,

I think you should read two books :

When I say no, I feel guilty, by Manuel J Smith.

And No more Mr nice guy by Robert glover.

Look if there is some men support group in your area

As others have said, you tell the GF but don't tell your wife. You need to go off. At least one good time. You need to let your emotions and feelings come out fully so she can see just how hurt, and angry you are about this. You need to just blow up. Yell, scream, vent. Tell her how angry you are at her. Tell her how much you "hate" that man. Tell her how disrespected you feel, tell her everything but in a "I am pissed off and will not be taking this shit anymore" tone. I would also tell her "either you quit your job or we get divorced". She wants to be clear of him. That is how she is clear of him.

It is so wrong that she continues to work with the man she cheated on you with. To be honest I believe their affair has gone underground. Talk bad about him and I would not be surprised if she defends him. Go off. It will tell you a lot.

Arn

I don’t think I’ve posted on your thread before but I’ve been following it.

I think what you are being told here by the good team of SI posters is that it’s time you start thinking about what you want in life and start demanding it.

I don’t remember how old you are but going thru the next 40+ with someone that doesn’t return the respect you have given them is not going to give you a happy and satisfying life. You only get one journey on this planet (at least that’s what I believe) so why waste it on someone that treats you this way.

So to me, the only real options are to demand that she change her ways and realize she has a lot of work to do to keep you in her life as more than just a coparent. Or start the process to move on.

We all have moments in our lives when we have to be the adult in the room. Living in a situation where your wife pines away for another man is not healthy for your psyche. Living in a situation where she still talks almost daily to the man she let put his P in her V is not healthy for your psyche. Your kids deserve you to be healthy, physically and psychologically.

Demand it ends right now or you move on. So here are some steps you need to take to make that happen Arn.

1) demand she start applying for other jobs this week. Watch her submit the applications online and make sure she lets you monitor her email so you can see the responses and follow the process.

2) demand that she tell her boss she is no longer comfortable working with the AP and ask that she be switched to another account.

3) call your healthcare provider and get referals to 2 different individual counselors. Preferably find ones the specialize in Infidelity. Tell her that you can tell that she is having issues getting over this guy. Tell her you will be starting therapy and give her the name of the therapist she can contact and start working with if she wants to save her marriage.

4) tell your wife that these 3 above items are not negotiable. Tell her if she wants to keep her marriage then she will show she is ALL IN by starting down the above paths.

5) have meetings with 2 lawyers next week so you understand what your options will be if you end up divorcing. Choose one and ask them to write up D papers and hold them on standby

6) I would find out when the AP’s child is born and then contact his fiancé. I’d call her after the child is born out of respect for the delivery process so late in the term. After she’s delivered call her if u can find her number and let her know who you are and let her know what you know. Tell her your wife is hoping and praying she did not get pregnant by her fiancé. Do not tell your wife you plan on contacting her.

7) Go see a specialist for your Ear Nose Throat issues. You shouldn’t have to live like that and your family shouldn’t have to hear you suffer when ther could be a cure.

Arn, this is not easy we all know. You seem to be someone who has let people dictate how your life will go. Perhaps you can work in IC to figure out why that is.

But you are an adult. You need to start acting like one. If I didn’t think you could do it I and others here wouldn’t push you.

Your kids deserve a happy dad. Especially as their primary caregiver. You living in turmoil is not healthy for them. Your WW is not being a safe partner to you. It’s time to demand that she be as good to you as you have been to her.

If you start taking the above steps and show her that you are not a sure thing and she will potentially lose you in her life then it will be YOU she starts pining for, and no longer the OM.

And if she doesn’t, do you really want to waste your one life on earth with someone who doesn’t have mutual respect for you. There are plenty of wonderful women out there that want a partner like you to share life with.

Ensure that 40 years from now you don’t regret not standing up for what you need to have a partnership that is fulfilling.

Take care.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 1:15 PM, April 19th (Thursday)]