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And last year she was victim of attempted sexual assault in the car park of her former workplace. Her head is pretty messed up and she has bad anxiety, PTSD and OCD.

ArnTheMug

Did she report the “attempted sexual assault” on her own or did someone see it happening? Were the police called?

They got in my wife's car and he directed her to somewhere quiet. They ended up doing various acts of foreplay and then intercourse for a short time in the back of the car.

ArnTheMug

You said that your wife was "fragile." You would think that someone as fragile (bad anxiety, PTSD and OCD) as your wife wouldn’t find the back seat of a car to be the most conducive place to have sex after almost being raped in a car.

Could it be that someone caught her having sex in a car at her former workplace and she came up the story of attempted rape? Were the police called? Did she give the police a good description of the guy or did she say that she didn't get a good look at him?

How about this: She was having sex in a car and someone saw them. The guy ran off and she said it was attempted rape but didn't want to call the police. Why did she leave that job?

[This message edited by Michigan at 11:49 AM, April 19th (Thursday)]

I've always been her doormat. Maybe this has always been an unhealthy foundation of our relationship. I've known this a long long time and not been able to do anything about it

No, you just choose not to. This is not going to end well for you as the "nice guy" approach always fails.

You need to start putting yourself first because she is just going to leave you behind holding the bag. You are enabling her right now which guarantees the A is going to continue. If you want this to end you have to stop it, you can't just sit back and hope she does the right thing.

You are the victim here, so stop sympathizing with her. As long as she has any feelings for the OM then you are in a false R. You are going to have to put your foot down and take action which in this case start the process for a D whether that's your end game or not.

There are a few times in life where being an a-hole works in your favor and this is one of them. The nicer you are to her, the worse you make things for yourself.

Can say without doubt that the attempted sexual assault was real. The police caught and questioned the guy, he denied, but he has been known to attempt this before but no evidence yet to convict him sadly. My wife couldn't cope with that job after what happened due to PTSD and eventually moved jobs. I only brought it up to give a clearer picture of her mental health. And she's not scared of cars, the trauma is with the particular car park where it happened.

Arn

Any thoughts on taking the steps I and others outlined above in order to get control of your life?

All the excuses in the world do not add up to a reason as to why she cheated on you.

Plain & simple she lusted after another dude, met him, drove somewhere quiet in her car, banged him in said car and then came home to the guy she knows will do anything to stay married.

You're WW had a good week, you not so much

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 9:17 PM, April 19th (Thursday)]

Letting the other guys gf know without telling your ww is also great because you can sit back and wait for ww to confront you over it, with anger.

At which point you have proof they aren't just talking at work but communicating in other ways. Because his first action will be to call your ww.

Stevesn - yeah and it's on my mind, a lot. At the moment I'm trying to figure out if it's really over, or gone underground, but without trying to display any lack of trust.

Honestly though it's going to take a huge leap in self confidence for me to start making some steps. I must look pretty pathetic. I certainly feel it.

Then just pick up the phone and expose to the other wife. It takes 30 seconds and HIS wife can be the one to burn the affair to the ground.

There are just some things that you need to do.

Honestly though it's going to take a huge leap in self confidence for me to start making some steps. I must look pretty pathetic. I certainly feel it.

do not feel that way. your reactions are understandable. it all depends on how much your marriage is important to you and how much you depend on it. but do not let her call the shots as much as you can. it says act like going to end marriage to save it. as long as cheater knows the bs is under control s/he keep cheating and also enjoy it. but when the cheater feel the bs is serious the cheater cannot enjoy cheating

Honestly though it's going to take a huge leap in self confidence for me to start making some steps. I must look pretty pathetic. I certainly feel it.

Yes you’re right, it is. But you’re gonna find it’s the right thing to do.

So do my step 3 first. Find the ICs and start seeing yours immediately. He or she can help you with your lack of confidence.

If not for you, take this first step for your kids. They deserve a dad who is not in constant turmoil. It will take a while to get there. But you’ll never get there by doing nothing.

Call your health provider today for referrals for both of you.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 6:28 AM, April 20th (Friday)]

So if the other guys wife knew her husband had sex with your wife (but you didn't) you would be OK with not knowing for whatever period of time it took for her to tell you?

You'd be furious, rightfully so, for each day of delay that you didn't know but could have known .... wouldn't you?

Tell her!

but without trying to display any lack of trust.

I don't understand this. It's time to stand up for yourself.

Arn

As everyone had said, this sucks.

First, take care of yourself: get a lawyer, get tested for STDs, make sure your ducks are in a row.

Work... I would go and say yes, go get employed. Not because any image of manhood or anything like that, but because right now you need the money were your WW decide to file for D.

Take care of yourself. Someone was putting it as SaaS, Selfishness as a Service: you are caregiver to your kids, and as so you have to make sure that you are healthy, both physically and emotionally.

And most importantly, now, is to go get IC, with a trauma focused therapist. You have been through hell, your WW is 99% hiding something, and you are still blaming yourself. Are you depressed? Go to IC, talk about what all this betrayal has meant for you and how has it all hurt you, and discuss the pain.

Did you feel any pain yet?

Go to IC. Get help!

I must look pretty pathetic. I certainly feel it.

Because you haven't taken control of the situation. You can do that by exposing he affair to the OBS first. Then having a lawyer draft up a postnuptial agreement for your WW to sign assuring you a very fair divorce if she cheats again.

Just when I think maybe you have developed a hint of self respect, you say;

"At the moment I'm trying to figure out if it's really over, or gone underground, but without trying to display any lack of trust."

You cannot trust her! She does not care if you trust her or not!

You have to be the man in the house for her to respect you, otherwise, she feels she is free to cheat anytime in the future.

I really don't know what you are trying to save. You have no marriage to save.

So she lied and cheated by you can't show lack of trust? Really? What do her actions show regarding her trustworthy nature?

A couple of days ago I finally stood up to her. Your encouragement here has helped. Told her how hurt I am and how she never treats me with respect. I made her feel like divorce was a real possibility. I also talked about how I think she needs counseling and therapy and explained why it would help her mental health. She still backed into her old "I'd rather not talk to anyone about it and deal with it myself" ways. But it's the most we've ever discussed it. I really want her to get help because I know she struggles inside daily. I now just need to find the strength to say get help or be divorced.

There is something more worrying on my mind right now though. She should be due on her period by now. She has been extra tired lately and craving unusual things. She took an early response pregnancy test but nothing on it. We always had trouble getting a positive test when trying for first two kids but the telltale signs are there.

She had her coil taken out 6 months ago and we were passively trying for a 3rd. From previous experience I've gotten her pregnant immediately after stopping her contraception. However not this time round. I've realised that the medication I've been takingI'm on for my acid reflux, omeprazole, affects fertility in men.

A couple of days ago I finally stood up to WW. Your encouragement here has helped. Told her how hurt I am and how she never treats me with respect. I made her feel like divorce was a real possibility. I also talked about how I think she needs counseling and therapy and explained why it would help her mental health. She still backed into her old "I'd rather not talk to anyone about it and deal with it myself" ways. But it's the most we've ever discussed it. I really want her to get help because I know she struggles inside daily. I now just need to find the strength to say get help or be divorced.

There is something more worrying on my mind right now though. WW should be due on her period by now. She has been extra tired lately and craving unusual things. She took an early response pregnancy test but nothing on it. We always had trouble getting a visible positive test when trying for first two kids but the telltale signs are there.

She had her coil taken out 6 months ago and we were passively trying for a 3rd. From previous experience I've gotten her pregnant immediately after she stopped her contraception. However not this time round. I've realised that the medication I've been taking for my acid reflux, omeprazole, affects fertility in men. So it is dawning on me there's a real possibility OM has got her pregnant. Ffs. Even though it's not confirmed she's pregnant yet, I already feel really really crappy. What if a fertile man has come along and done what I, the potentially inferior specimen, couldn't do. Lots of other what if's regarding the future. We are both against abortion and always have been so please don't suggest that.

Let’s review:

She had her coil taken out 6 months ago and we were passively trying for a 3rd.

ArnTheMug

Knowing this your wife lies to you to meet a guy she finds sexually attractive and has sex with him.

She also knew this:

We are both against abortion and always have been so please don't suggest that.

ArnTheMug

So she just rolls the dice and expects you to raise another man’s child as your own.

She still backed into her old "I'd rather not talk to anyone about it and deal with it myself" ways.

ArnTheMug

Then she refuses to talk about it.

Do you think your wife considers your feelings at all? Does she even think of you as a person?

[This message edited by Michigan at 7:15 AM, April 24th (Tuesday)]

So it is dawning on me there's a real possibility OM has got her pregnant. Ffs. Even though it's not confirmed she's pregnant yet, I already feel really really crappy. What if a fertile man has come along and done what I, the potentially inferior specimen, couldn't do. Lots of other what if's regarding the future. We are both against abortion and always have been so please don't suggest that.

This is not about you! You are a good man and father...

This is about her! About her being a WHORE!

By tucking him, she has fucked over you and YOUR children.

File for Divorce NOW, and expose to your family! You can always back away! But it is your leverage, to force change! Wait ANY longer and she will paint you as abandoning your prego wife.

You also MUST expose to the guys GF. Let her know you believe she is pregnant with her bf's kid. Because it's obvious here that you think that.

STOP OVER THINKING AND START OVER ACTING!

Just some of my Sha-Hitty thoughts!