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Hiram, you did choose to ask us. The question is what you are looking for in our answers?

The truth is, I don't know. What I do know is that before I typed the original post to begin this thread I had never once written of my actions of nearly three years ago or spoken a word about those events to a single person, ever. Without exception, I confided in no one. Now I've told a forum full of strangers. Something about the various posts, threads and comments I've read in the short time I've been on SI apparently dragged a confession out of me. I have no explanation for that. A week ago it was buried seemingly permanently. Now it's bothering me.

I have to mention one other thing. That woman was chasing a married man. What does that say about her? I question your mentality even responding to her but she sounds like she is lacking in the morals department.

And so that is why I mentioned IC. Perhaps you can do a little work. Please take the time to pick someone who is experienced in infidelity or trauma counseling because some ICs can do more harm than good. Our last MC encouraged my WH to keep something from me so I wouldn’t be more hurt. What it did do was almost end my marriage and left me feeling one more man had helped to betray me. Brutal. All that to say to choose a counselor wisely and maybe do some work around how you could betray your own morals and integrity. Why were you able to choose this?

[This message edited by demolishedinside at 7:39 PM, March 13th (Tuesday)]

Cooley2here, I'll answer your question and respond to your last comment. First, I found SI because an old friend posted here about discovering his wife's EA/PA and the resulting end of their marriage. I began reading and somehow that brought me to the point of beginning this thread. The second thing is in your response about the OW. She's married too, with a young son, 10 years old in 2015. From the distance of nearly three years I can't even believe I participated in the whole sordid affair.

Hiram, after the first contact how did it develop into an EA? What boundary did you step over to let it escalate? You need to figure out why a happily married man did this. None of us is perfect even though I have told my children forever that I am. Somehow they don’t buy it. Seriously, I have made many mistakes in my life but when confronted with an interested man I shut it down immediately. Why didn’t you?

The most painful part of the shit sandwich my husband handed me...was that he never really handed it to me at all. 98% of what I “think” I know, is what I stumbled onto or investigated myself. Yes, he chose me in the end, but it tears me to pieces that I wasn’t important enough for him to not hide things from and that he lied and TT’d me. These are the things that still leave wondering if I am doing the right thing by continuing to choose him. Ironic. Sad. And not where I ever wanted to be in life.

Coley2here, I wish I had an answer to that. Anything I might offer would only come across as an excuse and I don't want to do that. This wasn't the first time in my married life when temptation presented itself, at times blatantly and on the proverbial silver platter, it was however the first time I didn't shut it down immediately. That was the "crossed boundary". My act of omission in not nipping it in the bud right there. That is the moment in time which has haunted me since it happened. I was weak, I responded to overtures and I participated in conspiring to set things into motion. The OW sent an explicit Facebook PM in mid-July of 2015 expressing herself to me, that was when I should have deleted it immediately and began a strict NC. I know what I should have done, what I cannot say is that I did that and I don't know why. When I say I never expressed feelings for the OW, or reciprocated her statements of emotion & affection that is factual. However when I say I was a willing participant in the conspiracy to actually rendezvous and cross the line into a PA, that is also a fact.

One more post for the night. Almost everyone I know, or read about, who has been betrayed say the lies are so much worse than the actual physical affair. You never touched the other woman but you lied to your wife. For some reason lies are the hardest things to get over and the thing that often times wrecks relationships. You sound like a decent man. You sound like someone burdened by a conscience. I still think if you tell your wife it needs to be done with a third-party who already knows the entire story. Your wife might act like it is nothing but I promise you it will devastate her because of all the lies. I still caution you about telling. You know your wife. All we know is your side of things. Is she the kind that will be hurt forever? I don’t know, this really is a tricky one.

Hiram, I am a betrayed spouse. You sound a lot like my WH. He really wanted to think of himself as a good guy. A morally and ethically good guy. His betrayal of me did not fit in with that image, and that caused him immense confusion/pain. Of note, he did not confess, I found some texts. As a result I believe nearly nothing he says.

I would want to know. What if your AP ever decides to contact your wife? At that point, you're hooped, as others have said.

My H is a fellow Marine. He had a 9 1/2 week PA while working in another country. I would have never found out except that he confessed two days after being back home. His guilt and shame were too overwhelming for him to bear. I am so GLAD he confessed. My healing started early...and my trust has been easier to get back because my H had the decency to confess.

If you read on here long enough...you will see stories where the adultery co-conspirators blew up the BS's world. Most in hopes that it would get the WS to go back to them. PLEASE give your lovely wife the dignity and RESPECT she deserves...and confess to your EA.

She WILL be devastated...but with NO secrets between you...healing can begin...for BOTH of you .

Hiram,

Once disclosed, it’s hard to ask people to imagine putting the genie back in the bottle.

Being betrayed by your life partner is one of the most debilitating, debasing and extremely painful feelings one can experience. You go back and question your whole life together. You go forward on high alert and trigger indiscriminately. You play mommy, daddy, police officer and warden. You check pockets and phone bills and receipts and gps. You watch their eyes and their conversations and their movements. It’s pure hell.

There’s also a saying here that for every cockroach you find, you missed many others. Meaning: this probably wasn’t his/her first rodeo. Betrayeds live, eat and breathe this nightmare thought every moment for a very long time, and the after effects last for eternity.

Personally, if my h had one moment in all our lifetime together, and was truly the man you state you were for all the rest of time, I wouldn’t want to know.

That is only if you can forgive yourself in order to continue to be the man your wife deserves. If this eats at you that it takes away from you, her or your marriage, then you should seek counseling to help you move forward in whichever way is deemed necessary.

I do wish you luck. I thank you for your service. You seem, if true as written, a very good man and husband.

The others who've offered it up on a silver platter are not the hottest girl from your High School. It would be a huge ego boost to any guy to have THAT girl express her interest in you now. It's a strong memory for most guys as to who the hottest girls were. Of course this is no excuse, but it's probably part of the reason you made that initial boundary crossing. Unfortunate.

The problem GEB is that this wasn't just a single lapse. ...because he is now a liar...by omission - but now he carries this. And for the rest of his life he must bury this thing...deep - to be sure it never pops out. He is not the man he was before the EA. He is now a man pretending to be who he used to be...

Do you understand how easily this can blow up, Hiram? All it takes is you mumbling her name in your sleep. Then wife asks you who she is - you lie and say something to pass it off and let's say your wife can tell you're lying. She starts investigating....or she has a friend like any one of us that tell her, "Maybe it's nothing...just ask him to take a lie detector test to put your mind at ease. If he refuses then you know there's another woman...l

Or OW gets caught having another affair - a PA this time even. Her BH finds out and demands all the truth. She gives you up and admits to the EA - maybe to throw him off the scent of her other PA's - maybe because she's remorseful and wants to live authentically with her BH. And BH comes here - you know what we do? We tell him to contact your wife. She's not on FB? We'll help him find her address. Send a registered letter - one she signs for. She must be told - stop at nothing....

Yikes, eh Hiram? Or none of that may happen.. question is - are you a gambling man, Hiram?

"She WILL be devastated...but with NO secrets between you...healing can begin...for BOTH of you ."

give her the choice. you are currently taking it from her.

Inappropriate response.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:13 AM, June 1st (Friday)]

^Wow Hiram. You speak of yourself so highly and then your temper comes through in an instant. That's a pretty low tolerance for criticism and comes across as quite defensive.

I'm pretty sure that response was just to demonstrate how this could all blow up and encourage you to do the right thing. You've got a lot of response, the majority are a clear "tell her". It's in your hands now.

[This message edited by gtflng at 8:34 AM, March 14th (Wednesday)]

[This message edited by Hiram at 12:54 AM, March 15th (Thursday)]

It's not a threat. I can see how a WS who won't confess may see it that way. What it is is, betrayed spouses helping a fellow victim of infidelity. Bottom line, all BS deserve the truth. We will assist them in every legal way possible, in finding the bs of the man,or woman, who had zero problem waging war on someone else's marriage. Most of us believe in living an authentic Life..that includes the BS here, and those who are not.

I'm pleased you're going to confess. If she goes looking for support, please don't discourage her from finding it here. This site is invaluable when it comes to support and advice.

Hiram, you have a PM.

[This message edited by Hiram at 12:53 AM, March 15th (Thursday)]