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I Can Relate :
When A WS Leaves For Their OP Part 2

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Bookgirl ( member #70909) posted at 7:16 PM on Friday, January 3rd, 2020

Yes. I’m feeling a lot better too. Thanks AG and good luck SS and HL x

posts: 85   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: England
id 8491098
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Striver ( member #65819) posted at 3:06 AM on Saturday, January 4th, 2020

I seem to have experienced what people call...forgiveness? I don't know what it is. But I can now remember the good things about our relationship. I can actually remember all the things that I loved about her. I don't miss her and I'm glad I'm where I'm at today vs. the alternative, but I've released all of the negative feelings I had toward her. It certainly helped that we've had zero contact in a little over a year.

I suppose I should post here, since it's the closest thing on this site to my situation.

I have had to go the other way and mostly block out the relationship entirely. Due to circumstances.

My ex left me for someone who was single and available when we were married. She said that at the time it was between him and me (didn't know there was a competition, personally) and she chose me. She chose me because he was a commitmentphobe and wouldn't give her the big wedding or kids she wanted. Once he was willing to be a stepdad, when my kids are 3-5 years of age, she got out the door as soon as she could.

That kind of conniving is a bit beyond forgiving to me. Too much damage, too much lost money, too much lying. I can't go anywhere else.

posts: 741   ·   registered: Aug. 14th, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8491275
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ShatteredSakura ( member #70885) posted at 6:12 AM on Saturday, January 4th, 2020

Yikes Striver.

She said that at the time it was between him and me (didn't know there was a competition, personally) and she chose me. She chose me because he was a commitmentphobe and wouldn't give her the big wedding or kids she wanted.

I can kinda relate to this. Her ex was a bit like that. I also remember very early on in our relationship, WW really loved how I was great at communication and her ex was lousy at it. She said something this last summer that he's gotten "a lot better" at communication.

posts: 854   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2019   ·   location: CT
id 8491315
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Cephastion ( member #51990) posted at 9:11 AM on Saturday, January 4th, 2020

Well Happy New Year, I guess I'm back on this thread and more qualified in-the-moment to do so than I used to be when I was posting here before.

One thing I guess I'm learning more poignantly than ever though, is that my wife's "OP" is none other than just herself or the devil inside of her instead of some "other man" per se.

Last night was plenty hard enough for me being alone with my poor hurting kids on the death anniversary of my beloved mom while their struggling, betrayal-traumatized dad got literally yelled at on the phone by a so-called friend for my consolation and comfort and support.

At least my WW is more honest than the people she's staying with about not giving a damn about me (or the kids either).

BH-me / WW-(Pyrite)
Left Thanksgiving 2019 w/ unresolved childhood trauma and other general selfishness issues that she refuses to honestly address, resolve,& heal from.--"For where your wealth/treasure is, there will your heart be also."--Yeshua

posts: 2323   ·   registered: Feb. 25th, 2016
id 8491344
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ShatteredSakura ( member #70885) posted at 2:44 AM on Thursday, January 9th, 2020

So today I saw WW and talked to her for half an hour while she picked up mail and other things. I found out that her mother got into a shouting match with her on Christmas day after she came back from vacation w/ el douchebag, because she let it slip that she was thinking of coming over that day to see me. It was such a bad argument, she hasn't talked to her mother since then.

Not really venting or angry right now over it, but just wow. Her mother is such a witch with a capital B, as my mom would say.

(I'm sure she'll mask it as she wants her daughter to be happy, but she tried to break us up before the affair, and encouraged her to leave me for him during it...she likes that he is jewish, while I am not)

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 9:32 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)]

posts: 854   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2019   ·   location: CT
id 8493445
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hopefullife ( member #71881) posted at 8:53 AM on Sunday, January 12th, 2020

I was with a friend yesterday and passed by a botique I went and spent hours years ago. I knew I went there to look, but can't exactly remember why. My friend reminded me it was for my wedding. Wow, I can't believe I've forgotten that. I can look at all our wedding photos and be reminded about everything wedding related and not cry. It's all a distant memory to me, like it wasn't my wedding, it's like I'm seeing someone else's life. But I didn't really think I'd forget the memory.

I guess it gives me hope, that our marriage is slowly becoming more distant to me.

10 yrs together. 2 yrs married. No kids.
2 Ddays. H living with OW and their child.
Focusing on self.

posts: 401   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2019
id 8495034
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ShatteredSakura ( member #70885) posted at 2:59 PM on Sunday, January 12th, 2020

I'm glad it's becoming a distant memory.

It's all a distant memory to me, like it wasn't my wedding, it's like I'm seeing someone else's life. 

About a year ago before I registered on this site, I remember reading a member writing how it's like you're not the main character of your own love story...you're the one that gets left for because "true luv".

It was so on point to how I felt that I even mentioned it to WW. If you take the 6 years we were together and zoom out further, given the length of their LTA and their previous relationship before I met WW, I felt like I was merely a speed bump or an obstacle in their love story. I didn't have my own love story, I was part of someone else's warped and twisted nightmare of one.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 9:00 AM, January 12th (Sunday)]

posts: 854   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2019   ·   location: CT
id 8495079
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hopefullife ( member #71881) posted at 5:17 AM on Monday, January 13th, 2020

you're not the main character of your own love story...you're the one that gets left for because "true luv"

For some reason, this made me chuckle. Maybe this is true. We're only a part of this whole "true luv" story, we have to be hurt this way so theirs can thrive.

My friend and I were discussing how I can probably sell my story somewhere and maybe make money out of it. We had a really great love story, it just wasn't a great ending. Maybe one day we'll have our own.

10 yrs together. 2 yrs married. No kids.
2 Ddays. H living with OW and their child.
Focusing on self.

posts: 401   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2019
id 8495395
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ShatteredSakura ( member #70885) posted at 5:40 AM on Monday, January 13th, 2020

Romeo and Juliet's love story also didn't end well too!

I think I was already pretty sensitive to fiction that portrayed this type of story in movies, but now it's almost unbearable. Like "Sleepless In Seattle" for example, Bill Pullman's character who is a bit bumbling and goofy with all his allergies and ailments. The dark side of that movie is we get to see Meg Ryan slowly disconnect from her fiance and finally leave him. At least it wasn't outright infidelity, but at some level it was an emotional affair.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 11:40 PM, January 12th (Sunday)]

posts: 854   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2019   ·   location: CT
id 8495399
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hopefullife ( member #71881) posted at 5:59 AM on Monday, January 13th, 2020

I think I was already pretty sensitive to fiction that portrayed this type of story in movies, but now it's almost unbearable.

Same here Shattered. I'm all for loyalty even before all this happened. I love Before Sunrise, but then I watched the second film Before Sunset and no matter how good the conversations are, it just didn't click to me as they were already committed to somebody.

I was once asked was I was so against cheating (didn't have experience then). I said loyalty and commitment are really just a big thing for me. It's really funny how the world just gives you that one thing you hate the most.

10 yrs together. 2 yrs married. No kids.
2 Ddays. H living with OW and their child.
Focusing on self.

posts: 401   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2019
id 8495403
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ShatteredSakura ( member #70885) posted at 2:04 PM on Monday, January 13th, 2020

Sounds like another attempt at remaking "Love Affair" or "An Affair To Remember" (itself a remake by the same director and the word affair is not the infidelity definition). At least those classics don't have cheating, although near the end the lovers meet by chance while going to an opera/play while they were with other people. They think each other is romantically involved with the person they brought, but it's shown they aren't, they're friends (although it is implied the friends are interested). And all that takes place after the two main characters have their romance and then become separated not by choice.

It dawned on me earlier this week how many young adult books turned into movies have love triangles. Twilight, Maze Runner, Hunger Games, Divergent. There is nothing cool or romantic about love triangles.

IMO I think I'd be troubled if someone asked me "why I'm so against cheating" or asked why loyalty and honor are important to me. People who don't get those concepts are going to be in my "inner circle" of friends to say the least.

posts: 854   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2019   ·   location: CT
id 8495478
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hopefullife ( member #71881) posted at 2:29 PM on Monday, January 13th, 2020

I think my friend was asking that since she was worried something's happening to me. She's like a psychic. She feels it whenever someone in our circle will go or is going through a tough time. I wasn't yet, but soon her gut feel turned out right.

Love triangles I can manage, but once you've committed yourself to another person is a different story.

There is one conversation in the movie Before We Go that hit me hard. The girl asked the guy if it's possible to meet somebody who's perfect for you even if you're committed to somebody else. She was answered with "If you're committed to somebody, you don't allow yourself to find perfection in somebody else"

Sadly, our WSs weren't really committed and allowed themselves to find that perfection in another. Hope they had just stayed single until that "tru luv" came. It's hard to swallow that we're the collateral damage.

10 yrs together. 2 yrs married. No kids.
2 Ddays. H living with OW and their child.
Focusing on self.

posts: 401   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2019
id 8495492
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ShatteredSakura ( member #70885) posted at 2:55 PM on Monday, January 13th, 2020

That's a great line!

Well, I feel like WW's affair was a love triangle, so I know I'm a little biased on the topic. But it's only strengthen my opinion on a few things, because I would NEVER want to make a woman feel like how I've been made to feel.

A "love triangle" where it's two people competing for the commitment (but it's still fairly innocent like portrayed in classic hollywood movies) is still kind of cringy. I hate the idea of love being a competition. It sounds more like one of those Bachelor/Bachelorette shows than falling in love.

However, in modern cinema, it's not so innocent anymore, it's literally the person being vied for "tries out" a relationship with each, then chooses. And all I can feel is:

1. People aren't disposable.

2. Love isn't a supermarket where you can browse and handle each vegetable.

It shouldn't be that surprising I'm not a fan of casual dating either. WW had a female friend who was sleeping with a guy but didn't know if they were "boyfriend and girlfriend" and was actually too afraid to ask to not rock the boat. The guy was seeing other women too. Like WTF? (before calling the guy scum, the friend also did this to other guys too) I'm not against going out on "innocent" dates with multiple people to get to know them, but acting like a couple with multiple people and being intimate with many people at once I think is a mindfuck to most people who actually want monogamy. I think the negatives it breeds outweigh the positives, and it's portrayed in cinema as being romantic (drama involved, but still romantic) and it's the least romantic thing I can think of.

posts: 854   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2019   ·   location: CT
id 8495513
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AbandonedGuy ( member #66456) posted at 5:38 PM on Monday, January 13th, 2020

The sheer number of monkeybranching married people I know is deflating. Way too many people are seeking that Next Best Thing while silently resenting their spouse. These people are too wrapped up in solving their own unhappiness to consider the perspective of their spouses. It's the kind of thing that sours you on allowing yourself to become vulnerable again, and makes you kick yourself for doing it in the first place.

EmancipatedFella, formerly AbandonedGuy

posts: 1054   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018
id 8495623
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burninghouse ( member #63308) posted at 7:25 PM on Monday, January 13th, 2020

The monkeybranching thing... I just don't get it. It's puzzling why some (many?) people take cheating and using other people so lightly.

I admit I haven't watched a lot of TV or movies in the last year or so. I found too many of the themes and story lines triggering. Lately I don't seem to be as triggered, but more like disappointed. So much infidelity and violence! Do we really need all of this modeling of selfish behavior for entertainment? Also seems like people all around me have been destroyed or have had loved ones destroyed by infidelity and/or addiction. What gives?

BW (me)
WH (him)
D-day 3/2018
Divorcing

Reminding myself often, "The last of the human freedoms: to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” Viktor Frankl

posts: 457   ·   registered: Apr. 3rd, 2018
id 8495689
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hopefullife ( member #71881) posted at 4:57 AM on Tuesday, January 14th, 2020

What I can never get in love triangle is how a person strings along another when he/she clearly knows he/she likes the other. Just let him/her go. You can't have both.

I haven't watched a film or a series for a while now. When I used to watch a lot. It's hard to even hear songs lately. I'm just effin destroyed. The only true moments of peace that I have is when I'm sleeping.

10 yrs together. 2 yrs married. No kids.
2 Ddays. H living with OW and their child.
Focusing on self.

posts: 401   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2019
id 8495906
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ShatteredSakura ( member #70885) posted at 5:49 AM on Tuesday, January 14th, 2020

I sometimes have dreams both good and bad about her, so sometimes not even sleep is a respite.

I happened to watch the 2nd Hunger Games movie today because I had the TV on while I did things around the house - the heroine literally is making out with one guy in the beginning and saying "you know how I feel about you" and near the end making out with the other guy.

Anyways, WW couldn't let go and she just kept digging the hole deeper. I think a lot of it is selfishness to be honest. She relies on others to make her feel happy, so what she wasn't getting from me or him she got from him or me.

Like I said, she got emotional Friday/Saturday missing me that ended up with a phone call....a week before that I was the one feeling emotional and tried reaching out to her. Her response? "You need help, you should see someone". It was very cold.

Everything's so topsy turvy, I feel bad that I have these emotions over someone who flips like a switch like that. When she's having the emotional crisis, she expects response and if not then "she can't take it anymore!".

I haven't talked to her since that Saturday morning. So just venting to get it out of my system before bed. Grr!

posts: 854   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2019   ·   location: CT
id 8495921
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 5:52 AM on Tuesday, January 14th, 2020

If you don't cut contact you'll stay on the rollercoaster

posts: 6619   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8495922
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hopefullife ( member #71881) posted at 12:24 PM on Tuesday, January 14th, 2020

I want to understand @ShatteredSakura, why are you still talking to your wife?

Mine I want to cut off completely, should be easy, no kids. But all the financials we share together (incuding his debts, unfortunately), is making it hard. I pass through comms via 3rd party, but I hope I can cut that too.

I just realized something with the Hunger Games that is a bit similar to my own. Katniss was faking her relationship with Peeta until it eventually became the real one. My STBXH claimed he did that. This OW was so threatening he had to always lie to keep her happy. I certainly heard the saying fake it til you make it. Not saying faking it made him leave me, but even relationships which started as fake can turn out to be real in the long run.

[This message edited by hopefullife at 6:26 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

10 yrs together. 2 yrs married. No kids.
2 Ddays. H living with OW and their child.
Focusing on self.

posts: 401   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2019
id 8495984
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ShatteredSakura ( member #70885) posted at 1:40 PM on Tuesday, January 14th, 2020

Hah well the amount I post it must sound like every day I'm interacting, but contact is diminishing. Other than Saturday I barely spoke to her all week.

As to why, it's a struggle to let go emotionally. And we still have some ties financially/house wise. Moving here together was overwhelming, moving out by himself even more so.

So your WH didn't like OW, was too afraid to upset her, then fell for her?

posts: 854   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2019   ·   location: CT
id 8496009
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