SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My earlier post has made me question something. We have not told our dd about what he did. I have always been proud that we have such a long history together and still enjoyed each others company and generally got on well. While others divorced or just moved on we have been a constant. Kids parents at her school were breaking up all over the place and there was cheating going on and all that while we remained steady together. Only recently she commented at how few of her friends had parents still together. Sometimes I feel like its all a sham now and I'm lying to her. Other times I think we don't need to tell our kids every fine detail of our lives. It is highly personal and not really about her. or is it? Do we risk it coming out by OW or some other way? its a small world. The issue I have is feeling like I always have to double check things. Did I log out of FB? Did I check history for SI did I log in on the right search engine. Did I delete WS texts and is my passcode working on my phone! its a terrible feeling but I don't want to tell her. I resent that ws has put me in this position of "hiding" things by his A. Is this what cheating feels like? am I a parent cheater? I'm tired and rambling...

So my actual question is have you told your kids? and how did it go if you did? feel free to answer the others too

I have three kids and none of them have a clue. I had terrible stomach issues after dday and just blamed any weirdness they saw with me or dr appts on stomach issues. A part of me is proud that I have hidden it so well from them and the other part of me is ashamed for the lies and the covering I’ve done for their dad. Overall, I’m glad for now that they don’t know.

Yes the covering for him bothers me too. But I also feel like I am covering myself a bit too because I used to be pretty vocal about my views on cheating. I didn't realise if you had so many years with the person and a family how quickly things change in your head when it happens. But more than anything I don't want to upset her or her view on things especially because we are working towards R. There doesn't seem to be a gain for her at all. If we split then obviously she would find out out but even then I don't know that I'd say much more than he is a cheater. It's a tough one and I'm really curious about this.

My kids don’t know. Or...didn’t. But they knew Mom wasn’t ok. And they knew we had to move and that we could no longer speak to some people - their friends included. I told them that their (AP’s) mother hurt me in such a powerful way, that it made me realize she is not exactly a safe person for them to be around. Safe emotionally, to be specific.

Two years later and I am still sad from time to time, and the kids know something is up, and that we don’t talk to dads family anymore and now the youngest asked, can you be fired from family?

So I told them that one of the people that hurt me so badly was dad. But that dad didn’t mean to hurt me (mental breakdown so go with that for the purpose of talking to his children) and is working very hard to get healthy and making it up to me and all us. (We talk about therapy, about how healthy it is to talk about feelings and mindfulness and boundaries...so many great conversations came from this.). So I am choosing to forgive him and work together. Your grandparents chose a different path and continued harassing and emotionally hurting us over and over, so until they can be kind, they are not a safe or good example for you either. And I’m sorry that it hurts. And I’m sorry for the loss but it doesn’t mean that it is permanent, or that there is anything wrong with you, or has anything to do with you other than Mom and dad looking out for you because we love you. These are all about the grown ups and what they choose to do or not. No one is perfect, but love shouldn’t hurt. Friendship shouldn’t hurt like that. It’s my job to help you grow up happy and safe, and it was my choice to separate you from that.

So now they know that dad had a part to play, and one day they will know the whole story because knowing one’s story - and this impacted them so it is their story - is key to self awareness in my opinion. But whether I tell the at 25 or 75 I have yet to decide!

Bottom line, I think it is a good example to show forgiveness and repentance, of arguing and making up, of incredible love and sacrifice that giving someone a second chance entails. If someone working hard to earn that chance.

And that is a great lesson if delivered in a positive and emotionally happy way.

That’s my take anyway.

How old is she?

My kids knew something was wrong. They grabbed our phones and looked at searches and texts. Plus Husband and AP texted back and forth and 12 year old was there.

Yep the stain of infidelity.

If she is a teenager. I wouldn’t tell. Unless you know she knows. Isn’t this just super fabulous drama?

Thanks HK, yours would have been a tough one. Luckily for me we don't know her and there has been no impact to our family. The issues have been contained to him and I. Outwardly we look fine, some even notice we seem closer.

Iwantmyglasse yes a drama I didn't ask to star in she's still young but over 18 and at home. I just don't think it would be good to tell her but I am looking for what others have been through to see if I am way off or walking the same road. I've always been a private person but I feel I've taken it up ten levels almost to cheater level you could say to ensure no one stumbles across our mess. It's messing with my mind.

My children were 10 and 15 at the time of d-day. We too live in a very small knit community. We had the unfortunate series of events that the rumor mill was already churning, unknown to me at the time. It was my hope that they would not find out.

Last year my wife and I were talking and I asked her if the girls knew. Mind you we are were nine years out at the time. She told me that my oldest had asked her about my behavior (anger, depressed, not engaging in with her, yelling, etc.) during that time period. She, to her credit, told her the truth. She didn't giver her all the details, but she stated she was selfish and took 100% of the blame.

I obviously believe that my oldest daughter told my youngest.

From that conversation I told my wife that I hope we are giving them a good example of how couples can work through even the toughest of times and become better parents and thrive in a relationship. They witnessed the hard work that we both had to do. They noticed the change in both of us.

Do I encourage you to tell your daughter? No. But if that does happen, I would let it be from your husband. I also don't encourage you to lie if she ever asks.

Don't live your life in fear of her finding out. You will find your strength if the time comes.

I understand and I’m sorry that you’re here - thinking about this and not knowing which way to go with disclosure- this is a hard one....

Below is where I am and how I’ve handled this so far. I’m not sure if it will help/hurt/be relatable.

No - I did not tell the kids the whole truth and It makes me feel like a liar! They are older (one is 11 and the others are in their 20’s) and our 20!year old DD saw a text from OW and told me... this was Dday!!! He lied to everyone that it was an EA - just texting. I just kept up the lie when he finally confessed a month and a half later to a PA. The kids were already ignoring him and treating him like a stranger based on the texting alone. He lost their respect that day and they were pretty clear that he was now a selfish liar that betrayed his whole family.

I have great difficulty with this choice not to give full disclosure- Like ... I’m covering for him and not allowing them to choose their own paths with him - have their own feelings about what he did and like I’m not allowing them to voice how they feel about what’s obviously the twilight zone around here.

I’m afraid that it will cause great pain and mistrust and be/feel like some form of betrayal from me - if it’s ever found out. I’ve become a parent cheater (I really get that). Recently, there was a threat from the OW with social media. WH and I decided - if it came out - he would tell the truth - if they ever ask directly - we’d tell the truth - no more lies or lies by omission (that’s what this is). However, the thought of sitting down and telling them some 15 months later terrifies me. Everyone knows but them - all close family, close friends - as I write this - I’m terrible....

I have told myself that I omit the details for them. They know there was a betrayal - do they really need to know more than that? He is their dad and I am afraid of them looking at him even more differently - not trusting anyone if they can’t trust him.

They are pretty smart ... I’m sure they know but don’t want to know...so, they don’t ask. It has put a strain on my relationship with them, at times. Its like believing in SANTA - you want to believe even after you know the truth because Christmas just isn’t quite the same once you know or like knowing that there’s an elephant in the room but everyone pretends it’s not there for the sake of some form of normalcy.

You have to choose what’s right for you and your family. Mine hasn’t been spared from the pain because there wasn’t a full disclosure.

Once it’s out - there it is. Be certain of how you feel about telling her before you disclose and how much she needs to know. TBH- If my kids were younger - I would’ve said daddy hurt mommy which is, I guess, how I handled it with them being older too.

I do have an intense fear that this will deeply effect their trust in their future partners and how they view marriage and relationships, if it hasn’t done so already with what little they do know.

You will do the right thing for your family and even though I question how much they know - I do still believe it’s the right thing to do for my family. I believe that they will ask when they are ready to know more and I will no longer omit the full truth from them about this.

HUGS to you - try not to beat yourself up because this is truly a tough one.

Yes, told the kids and they were pissed.

Me kids knew before I did. Sadly, my 12 year old daughter (at the time had my husband's phone and saw text messages and photos on his phone from his MOW! She confided in her 16 & 17 year old brothers. Two months later, I discovered the A. 5 months later we learned that they knew before me! I thought I was protecting them and turned out they were trying to protect me! Lots of broken hearts in our household in 2015!

yes. they were in their low 20s. i wanted them to know we weren't perfect and we stuck together and worked it out. our best couples' friends told us they didn't agree with our decision and that kids shouldn't know what goes on in their parent's marriage.

After my wife told me she wanted a divorce (Nov 20 2016) we decided not to tell the kids that anything was wrong. This was to give them "One last Christmas" together. During our agreement not to tell, I was driving my daughter and her friend to swim practice. They were in the back seat and the conversation turned to a 3rd girl who's parents had gotten divorced, and how sad they were that the 3rd girl had to go through this. The 3rd girl was missing swim meets because the parents couldn't work together. As my daughter was leaving the car she gave me a little hug and thanked me for not divorcing mom. She smiled and laughed as she said it because she had no idea. On the drive home, I had to pull the car over to puke...

Fast forward a year and I am glad I said nothing. We are working on R and things are going well.

I hope my kids never find out....

That was my experience... peace

Not at first. Then, when we knew we were well into reconciliation and what our plan was. When we also knew that the xOW was going to keep causing trouble in our lives, and that it would be impossible for our kids to not know something was wrong even though we were not divorcing, we told them. It was easily over a half a year after DDay before we told them. We also went over a plan with a counselor on how to tell them according to the situation, what was necessary and what their ages were.

Interestingly, they asked us to not tell others. Specifically my husband's family They were glad we were reconciling, but they strongly felt that my husband's family would make our reconciliation a traumatic and dramatic event - all about them - if we did. They had seen another sibling of his go through divorce, and his family did not make it easier or better for their cousins. The siblings spouse became "demonized".

At that point my husband had not come to terms that his FOO would be what he had to work on most, in order to have a better marriage and be treated like an adult by them. Our own kids were one of the people who called him out on his denial very early in our reconciliation.

As I say this, keep in mind that our kids were in early adulthood. I think it would be much much different the younger that kids are.

Even now, we only give more detail about things that happened in the affair as they get older.

Example, having our middle child, contact me about a man that kept leering at her at her work, who later asked if she was my husbands' daughter, then stating he all about my husband in a creepy voice led to more conversations. The man is a "friend" of the xOW.

Or, example - older child telling me that I was too busy trying to keep our home life in order in a specific year when this child wanted me to be more present - not realizing that Dad was never at home that specific year because he was at work having a new life that was all about the xOW and her family. I call it my "single mom" year....he blamed work. That older child now knows the full story on Dad being asked by xOW to run to help her and her family issues while I did much of what he would have been doing.

But there are many things they do not know. Nor will they ever need to. I hope.

If the xOW ever threatens to let them know, I will beat her to the punch with everything I have about the "complete" details. But the longer that waits, the less likely she will, and the older they are to handle the trauma.

Not all kids need to be informed of everything, and age sensitivity needs to be considered.

MOST IMPORTANTLY, The kids should not have to become the parents because of the trauma and emotions of the affair. It should not be their burden. Any "telling" should be in order to protect or reassure them. They should not become the new bestie or confident of either parent as wounds are being licked and healed.

They didn't choose the marriage, they didn't have the affair, and a good parent won't put that burden on them.

I have 3 adult sons who I told right away. I wanted them to hear the news from me about my WH. One of my sons told me if he would of heard it from anyone else he would of been upset. We live in a small town that likes to talk.

I also have a 12 year old daughter at home. I decided not to tell her. The only thing she knows is that her dad hurt her mom and sees us working things out. Different ages handle things differently.

My sons were not very happy with me in the beginning of our reconciliations but are coming around. They support me 100% and see him trying when they are home. I dont regret my decision telling them. It has made my WH work harder to make things right with me and with them.

Sadly...they were the ones who told me. One adult and one teen.

I'd give anything for them not to know this or have seen the evidence for themselves.

Yes.Told them the truth.Youngest son handed me the phone after his uncle texted,he was 10 at the time.Oldest ashed what the F is going on?21 at the time...

Yes.Told them the truth.Youngest son handed me the phone after his uncle texted,he was 10 at the time.Oldest ashed what the F is going on?21 at the time...

My daughters found out because I was a basket case and wasn't very good about keeping it all to myself, nor was my mother, who used to love me by hurting me with painful details. (That's another issue!) But I don't entirely mind that they know, because they see why their dad left me-and he has been good about gently talking about his deep issue of bottling up his emotions, and how he wasn't happy or a healthy person before. He also is pretty open about the grace he got from me, and especially from God, which is new and can only be good for us all. They knew this woman, so who knows what they heard and saw, which would be confusing. I am probably wrong, but him doing what he did, and then me being forced to keep it to myself for the rest of my life would be insult to injury. That said, we don't chat about it anymore. I want them to understand people are flawed and can be forgiven, but I'm not a martyr.

My oldest two kids know. (22,20) They do not know alot of details and because my H and I are reconciling I focus on all his good traits because he really is a good man and I want them to still maintain their love and respect for him.

My younger kids do not know. I suspect someday we may tell them but for now they are in high school and junior high and it’s been 3 years since dday and I don’t see a need to tell them.

It was tricky Early on when my emotions were all over the place but my sister had died earlier that year and so they attributed any crying from me to be related to her passing. I tried to protect them as much as possible.

My older two were only told recently and I was able to talk to them without crying and be matter of fact about it. They were both grateful they found out later when we were in solid R because they knew by that point that D was off the table and that was a great relief to them.

My parents/siblings do not know and that is how I preferred it. My H has told his parents and told me to tell anyone and everyone I need to tell to help me heal. But I am a private person so I have chosen to be more discreet with what and with whom I share the info.

I have gone to great lengths to make sure they dont know. I didnt want them to worry that we about D unless it was actually going to happen. I definitely didnt want them to know and damage their relationship with their father, or lose respect for me for staying with him.

But I am torn, because I realize that my grandfather cheated on my grandma, I am almost certain my father cheated on my mom, and here we are in the third generation of infidelity. Maybe all the secrecy lets it keep happening. I dont want my daughters to go through this pain. I wish someone had told me that it could happen to me. But on the other hand- let them believe in love while they can.