SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just curious how many people tell their family members about WH affair? Also, did you tell your children? (Our DD is 20 and our DS is 22.)

I have thought about telling family & children because I feel like I’m deceiving them. Like we have a good marriage when it SUCKS. But then I also think, is this knowledge going to help them or hurt them? I always come to the same conclusion that it’s not going to help them.

Btw, WH and I are working on R.

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Me - BW - 51

WH - 59

Married - 24 yrs

OW - 42

By the time I D, my ex had a long line of As. I did tell the very first time. His family and mine (not kids, they were little). I was met with a bunch of "he would never do that", "he loves you", etc. So much so that I second guessed what I knew. I doubted it to the point that I stayed M.

After that time, I no longer told. So when we did ultimately D (9years later), everyone was in shock because "you seemed like the perfect couple", "we thought you worked it all out", etc.

Ironically, I found out then that both sets of parents were able to confirm that first A (plus more) but just kept their mouths shut because they thought we got past it. (Not - lots of gaslighting).

So....back to you.....I think it depends on how supportive your families are and will be. If they would be a tremendous resource and strength for you and be supportive of your R, then I would consider telling them. If not, I would not.

IDK about the children - that is a toughie.

I told my MIL only bc I was ready to walk out and since she lives with us, it would affect her if we D. She told the rest of his family. They haven't mentioned it, but his sister has started calling me sis and has asked how we are doing. Her grown sons and son's gf has started calling me auntie. I guess that is their way of showing me their support.

I have only told my cousin on my side. I needed someone IRL to talk to and I knew that she would suppport me whether I chose D or R. I knew that she wouldn't act funny towards him and most importantly, that she wouldn't tell anyone.

I told my mother and that was it. There were a couple of reasons.

1- I had no idea what I wanted to do and you can’t unring that bell once you’ve rung it. Heck, I still don’t know what I want to do.

2- I did not want my life to center around the affair more than it already did. It was hard enough with my mom- and it took me three days to tell her (we talk everyday and I just couldn’t face talking to her)

3- think about others that you know that have experienced infidelity- at least in our family, it becomes an on going topic and more and more

Toxic. And the family of my wh would take his side, as he’s their blood. I wasn’t interested in that, or their pity.

Some advice I got here very early on was to keep the circle small. I told two friends that were mine and it really whs and my mom and my therapist. I have been tempted to tell others when they are going through similar things, but I don’t. I am a better support to them KNOWING some of the right things to say to them after having lived through it.

Grace is the word many of us aspire to.

I outed WH to his family in anger. It wasn’t very mature at all and it right after I found out. His brother texted his old number (he got a new number immediately, but I held onto the old sim/number for about a week) and I replied with “WH has a new number that I monitor because cheaters don’t get privacy. Here’s his new number:...” His brother told his mom. Since then he’s told his mom everything on his own.

I don’t feel like I can tell my family while R is still on the table because I don’t want any conflict or tension between them if we stay together.

I told everyone. My sons were 20 and 25 at the time and I had to be honest as to why I kicked their father out of the house before Christmas. I told my family and FWH told his. To be honest, if I had young children, I'm not sure what I would have done..

I really feel that infidelity should be discussed more often openly and publicly. Maybe if people understood the devastation that they cause their families, they would think twice about cheating in the first place. As a society we don't talk about infidelity because everyone is "embarrassed". I'm not embarrassed - I didn't do anything wrong and I don't care if FWH is embarrassed or ashamed. He should be. I have to live with what his LTA for the rest of my life and possibly run into MOW whenever I go anywhere in town.

FYI - MOW lives in the same small town. I told my friends that I didn't care who they told - the more the merrier. I wasn't going to hide their "secret". F her. I don't regret one minute of it but everyone's situation is different.

The only person I told was my doctor when I asked for a full panel STD test.

I didn't tell because I wasn't sure what I was going to do and I wanted to make decisions based on my needs and not outside influences either way. If I decided to D, then I would definitely share the reason. But, if I decided to R and it worked I didn't want others to hold it against him, or me.

Also, I didn't want my family to feel half the pain of his betrayal that I was feeling.

My WH was adamant that I should tell whomever I needed to for me to heal. He also offered to tell everyone himself, if it would be better for me. So, the decision to not tell anyone was mine and mine alone and I don't regret it at all.

Yep, I told everyone.

As soon as he left to "stay somewhere else" he thought people wouldn't notice that he was dating. Friends of mine and DS saw him out with OW and I had to tell DS before it got around our very small town. He knew immediately who the OW was and it was very painful for him.

I knew XWH would immediately start the history re-write and I wanted to get out ahead of that. So I did, and he did, and people just shake their heads when the topic of him and what he's doing comes up. Maybe he and OW are the loves of each other's lives and it will last forever, but everyone says they should not have cheated on my and OBS.

I told my family, I told his family, I told OW's family.... I told everyone......

I did not at first. I had full intentions of keeping it between us. Then my ex found out about it from someone else and told my daughter. Then another person who found out about it told my step-son so I was forced to tell my other adult child. It was adding insult to injury. Here I was 2 years out and I had to start all over explaining it to my kids and re-opening the wounds and dealing with the fallout of their feelings about it. It was awful.

My parents have passed and I did not tell my brothers. I didn't want more drama. I had enough to deal with as it was.

Why people thought my marriage was somehow their business and that my children had a right to know is beyond me. They are adults and my marriage is nobody's business but mine and my husband's. It still makes me mad when I think about it.

I have thought about telling family & children because I feel like I’m deceiving them.

That was my thought at first too. But after more thoughts on this...there are things I don't tell my children or family...especially concerning sex. So I didn't feel like I was deceiving them anymore after that thought.

Like need2bfree said...this is OUR M...and WE have to decide what is best for it. No one else can decide for us...although there are several family members who already think they can...not even knowing about my H's A .

I was nervous at first...because I didn't want it to get back to my children. But the adultery co-conspirator has not tried anything like that yet...and she would be the only other one who knows. I did warn her though that I would BLOW UP her world if she ever tried something like that...and she was smart enough to heed my warning.

My 16 year old knew on DDay. Later my daughter (19) overheard my wife say “fucking girlfriend” and asked.

At that point my wife and I decided to tell our kids. I took each of the out to a park and we talked about it. (24,19,16)

My 2 youngest (12, 8) were told told in age appropriate terms.

They see both of us working together to work through this.

I kept it secret for 7 years....we live alone in this state...no family near by....our children knew, older son lived at home, and older DD asked...she knew something was wrong...OW was coworker...we didn't tell any friends, as most were work related..He didn't want anyone to know our problems.

I did not find SI for 2 years...I had no idea how to move forward...I had done it all wrong...I was protecting the chance of R, and protecting his career....rugsweeping. Protecting my son.

Then, H became very ill....mental and brain issues...I told his family. Just before the hospital admission..I didn't know if he would live...I had to explain the whole story, beginning to end...the destruction trail...

Nobody suspected...nobody could believe it...it was a total shock...I was not rejected...in fact, I was surprised how they supported me...I wish I had done it sooner...I carried this alone, for 7 years...healing on my own, and SI for 7 years...and finally telling them, was so relieving...the peace was huge...no more secrets...no more protecting his destruction. It was wonderful. I highly recommend it...My H needed help....I needed help.....it was a must.

There are many reasons I took so long to heal...H did zero work, I suspected he still cheated, alcoholic, which I didn't know, and he lied every single day....telling people, started the real road to healing....I became stronger, and came out of hiding. my truth was the only truth, but at least I had that to move forward with.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 2:20 PM, December 28th (Thursday)]

I told my Mom, Dad, and sister. I told his Mom.

I told our best friends at the time, but so did he.

He initially was doing what I asked, and I thought he was remorseful, however it became clear it was more regret, than remorse, he told me about a week out that if I told my family it may make the situation untenable, so I did not tell him then that I had already told, because I was a pretty unhealthy CoD.

However when he finally reached real remorse, he didn't care who knew, because he was going to show them all that he wasn't that person anymore, and he was doing the work. He had at one point said something to the effect of "Everyday for the rest of my life I will prove my love for you, and do you right." and for the most part he has.

I told my parents and sister, because they had suspected because he was being such a shit.

I told his mom, because I needed her support, and I knew she would dress him down if needed.

I now many years out will tell people what we went through, and what we did right, and wrong to get to healed.

I did tell family. WW was pretty upset at first but realized I want doing it in order to make others her as an evil person but in order to get support, for both of us, from people who know and care about us. My WW was born of an affair and her FOO has major infidelity problems. She has 1 full sibling and 3 half siblings, all from the same father, all while he was married. Her mom knew her father was/is a cheater and my wife knew her father is a cheater too yet her mother stays with him “because she has no other choice”. This hasn’t caused maybe WW to feel shame because she has also betrayed her mother by turning out to be the same person as her father.

Do I regret telling anyone? No. I regret not being more careful in telling 1 of my family members, who went on to share this with a few people I wasn’t comfortable with knowing. But in the end it doesn’t matter. I have no anger towards that family member because that small betrayal was delt with and they understand what they did was wrong.

My opinion is that the more people that know, the more can help. Just don’t tell the gossipy people who get off on hearing and sharing personal information of others. Only tell those who truely care about both of you.

I don’t feel like I can tell my family while R is still on the table because I don’t want any conflict or tension between them if we stay together.

We haven't told our families the reason for the separation, just that "We have separated for now, we are talking every day and no decisions have been made yet."

We both agree that it would make any chance at R much harder if that is what I decide to do. He has already said that the minute I tell him there is no chance, I will tell all our friends what a POS he is, but that might be just because there is still a chance. The attitude might be different if we realize there is no future for us. He might go full "scorched earth" and try to rewrite our relationship history.

But, for now, we are both happy with what little our family knows.

The kids were told, and some friends/family. Then he pushed me to far and I exposed it on Facebook for the world to see

OH yea, forgot to mention that I haven’t told my kids. They’re too young. I will tell them when they’re grown up and the time is right. I won’t tell them just to tell them. It would be in the context of relationship advice. If we D I will eventually tell them why when they are mature. If my kids were grown up and mature I would tell them now.

I told the female family members I was closest to, thinking they would be there to support me. Instead, they mind fucked me and shamed me and blame shifted onto me.

They said happy men don't cheat, and grilled me about what did I do to make him unhappy. And said this was my wake up call and I needed to start making myself the most attractive choice to him or I was going to lose him.

They said that if I were really committed to him, I'd forgive and forget. Because real relationships all have bumps in the road, and true love can forgive anything.

They said that I needed to stop dwelling on it and stop dragging it out and put it in the past and start fresh. And if I kept moping and blubbering, I was going to run him off.

None of them ever asked if maybe I'd be better off without him? They were only about keeping the man at any cost.

And then when I'd had enough and dumped him, they jumped on me and said it was best for him to find out that I wasn't in it for keeps so he could move on too.

I would like to think that if the strong women in my family of my parents and grandparents generations were still alive, they'd have told me that I needed to kick him hard to the curb, or demand full remorse and not settle for less. Then supported me when he wouldn't give it and I ended the relationship.

His mom found out when the OW blew it up and put him on blast posting on social media. She called me upset about all the things OW was saying about him, wanting to know what was truth and what was lies. She was very embarrassed and hurt that he put himself in such a bad situation, and made such bad choices, but ultimately he was her child, and she forgave him.

I always come to the same conclusion that it’s not going to help them.

That isn't the point -- it is whether it will help you. If they can be a help and support, then tell them. If it won't, don't.

We told (mostly because the affair went public and if we didn't, they'd hear about it) and given a second chance I wouldn't. Based on how my in-laws responded, I quickly figured out where my WS's self-centered streak came from.

I believe that the key is whether an individual (it doesn't matter whether it is family or not) deeply cares about you and your marriage and is equipped with empathy/caring.