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Spouses/Partners with Personality Disorders

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xhz700 posted 1/12/2018 14:49 PM

He can charm the birds out of the trees. Then he might pet them, play with them, put them in a golden cage and then forget about them and go find new pets.

That's almost beautiful. Well put.

redfury posted 1/15/2018 09:41 AM

Well, here was my crazy weekend.

Friday: It was going to be my day. Moving the rest of my stuff. Filing for divorce. Finally being done! I was pumped. But then my great uncle (didn't really know him) passed away and my help had to go to a funeral. So I tried to do it by myself against all advice. Moved one car load and got a text from stbx. His mother had been in a serious car accident. That was his in. I felt sympathy. He clearly did not, it was just a ploy. He didn't even go to the hospital, but spent the rest of the day texting me about how he needed me. At some point I told him to stop and quit replying.

Saturday: Text apologizing for trying to manipulate me - no response. Text about how much pain he is in - no response. Text about health insurance - no response. Text with a screen shot of a post he made on a fetish site, claiming to be a remorseful, reformed cheater offering advice to others on how to have a healthy BDSM relationship. I lost it. All the minimizing. The offering advice when he hasn't done ANY work on himself. The obvious pleas for attention ('someone feel bad for me'). I texted him saying I wanted no part of his bullshit, that I knew he was baiting me, and then blocked his number.

Sunday: My stupid codependency kicked in. Spent all day missing him and grieving for what never was. So, so lonely. But I didn't unblock and I didn't go to the site to check his post.

Staying strong, as much as I can.

cantaccept posted 1/15/2018 14:45 PM

redfury, don't be too hard on yourself. This takes time! It is hard to grieve for someone that was a lie. Acceptance is just so hard to get to.

Do you know x is still trying to get kibbles from me! 3 years divorced and he still tries to contact. Just this past Wednesday I got a message. I just don't respond. I am finally to the point where just not responding feels powerful to me. It is a bit twisted but I am in control! I control me!

Patience with yourself. I said often that I missed my imaginary friend. You will get there, one day, one tiny step at a time.

xhz700 posted 1/16/2018 14:48 PM

The obvious pleas for attention

I know it's hard, but I remember the first time I was able to identify the manipulation for what it was. Looking back, it was such a huge step for me.

I am still not cured. I will never be cured, but I can make better decisions, and I can learn better coping skills, and I can be more aware of the red flags.

Remember, baby-steps.

honesttoafault posted 1/18/2018 17:02 PM

redfury: I am sorry for your loss.

You are doing a great job being strong, although I realize that perhaps you don't feel like that inside, but your are doing great!! Keep up the NC!! Vent here as much as you can.

redfury posted 1/22/2018 11:27 AM

My weekly update. Turns out I can only block calls, not texts. He sent a random message about his medication on Wednesday, which I ignored. This morning he sent a long text that I guess was an attempt to appear like he's working on himself. I won't be responding. NC has been such a blessing. He is not occupying my headspace like he used to (not that I don't think about him every day).

The text he sent this morning apologized for telling me "many different truths". Guess he doesn't like the phrase 'compulsive liar'. And he said he's been "argumentative and combative" because 'emotionally abusive' is just not something he can say. He doesn't know that I know why he reached out. He was fired from his job yesterday. He works for his mother and has been so hostile toward her that she had to cut him loose. So I guess he's going to try and play nice because he needs someone to take care of him. He also doesn't know that I filed for divorce on Friday. He should be getting served today. I suppose the shit may hit the fan when that happens, but I am not nearly as afraid as I was. I can handle this. I may miss him from time to time, but I want him out of my life. I feel like a weight is being lifted.

xhz700 posted 1/22/2018 12:33 PM

many different truths

I laughed when I read that. The worst thing is, I think that they really see the world like that. The truth for them is malleable and fluid, composed only of what suits their emotional narrative.

isitme24 posted 1/22/2018 18:48 PM

He works for his mother and has been so hostile toward her that she had to cut him loose.

Wow! Shit-canned by Mom. If he isn't at rock-bottom, there can't be far to go.

You need to read up on the "grey rock" method if you haven't already. PD's feed on others' emotions. Negative or positive, it doesn't matter. Starve him. He'll move on quickly to another host.

cantaccept posted 1/22/2018 19:30 PM

Turns out I can only block calls, not texts

Call your service provider. They helped me with this. The block was only for 90 days at a time but it really did help. I did eventually change my number because after 90 days I had a false sense of security. Sure enough when 90 days was up he would start texting again.

"many different truths"

I think I just vomited in my mouth. The twist on words is just disgusting. Trying to sound deep when the reality is so shallow.

If it were not so manipulative and pathetic, it would be funny.

redfury posted 1/25/2018 13:22 PM

OK, need to vent. At about 3am Wednesday morning he sent me an email with the subject line "the truthiness as I see it tonight". Ugh! Might as well be 'welcome to my delusions'. I went through the day without reading it. I knew it would be nothing good. But today, about an hour ago, curiosity got the better of me. He admitted to hurting me on purpose, and then proceeded to give a list of things I had done wrong to justify his behavior. These included me having a sexual past. Me not taking him seriously when he said he didn't like my sexual past. Me getting drunk and spending far too long in the bathroom at my high school reunion. Me throwing my past in his face during a fight. Me questioning his sexual prowess (which I guess is how he interpreted me requesting any particular activity in the bedroom).

This was all the first paragraph. There were at least three more, but I deleted without reading the rest. I just can't. We had this same conversation about a month before I left him. I have apologized where necessary and called bullshit on the rest.

I was upset, but on the plus side, I did NOT have a panic attack!! I really haven't been having them lately. I am slowly but surely pushing him out of my brain. Now that I've gotten this out here, I'm not even really upset anymore. It's all to be expected.

xhz700 posted 1/25/2018 14:02 PM

@redfury you seem to have a good grip on it.

I have actually gotten to the point that I don't even let the curiosity get to me anymore.

Keep working. You are doing great.

honesttoafault posted 1/25/2018 18:40 PM

redfury: I agree you are doing great!!! I agree with cantaccept, talk to your service provider to see if there is a way to block his calls, or perhaps there is a way to do it on your phone. It's a pain!!

Ignore ignore ignore.

Just like a spoiled child having a temper tantrum, it might get worse before he gives up.

I'm glad you're coming here to vent, we are here for you!!

Jesusismyanchor posted 2/5/2018 10:27 AM

I'm not sure if I belong here but my spouse is going to a psychiatrist based on a recommendation from his therapist. His there thinks he needs mods stabilization and needs to be tested. He has mentioned he is an addict. He has brought up the possibility of a personality disorder but not a narc. My H'd Grandpa was a schizophrenic. I'm really worrie about this assessment. I'm worried about putting my H who is an addict and has not drunk in s Year on drugs. I'm just scared and feelnim at my breaking point of what I can deal with. My H is worried but trusts his IC.

xhz700 posted 2/5/2018 12:16 PM

Mood stabilizers are used often in the treatment of personality disorders.

I won't lie to you, the process of getting to the right medication or combination of medications isn't a fun one.

How is your relationship right now without medication?

Jesusismyanchor posted 2/5/2018 21:44 PM

I've never been in anything myself so I only know what some good friends have told me. No one in my family has experience with it or any mental health issues that I am aware of. So, this is just one more scary variable in my life.

I will say that my IC had recommended that I may want to address my cycle of depression with meds but I haven't. I did not struggle with anything like this before Dday. But if you read my profile, it was pretty extreme. My life has been turned upside down.

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 10:07 PM, February 5th (Monday)]

xhz700 posted 2/6/2018 10:05 AM

Sorry, I should clarify.

How is your relationship with your WH _NOT_ on medication? Are things working for you? For him?

I am not a huge fan of mental health medications. I see them as a sometimes necessary evil. That said, we as humans are past the point that there is a level playing field. People have real issues that can't be exercised and dieted away.

If things aren't working without them, it might be worth it to try. If it's something you're unfamiliar with, I am sure it's scary (it's scary for me too, and I am not unfamiliar).

Ferus posted 2/6/2018 20:10 PM

I don't know if this counts as a personality disorder. My wife's father was abusive and had untreated bipolar I think. This back in the early days. So I think she grew up with insecure attachments and has always coveted attention from men but was less able to stay in committed relationships.

Does that make an affair more forgivable? Certainly doesn't make it less painful.

marji posted 2/6/2018 20:41 PM

Perhaps an IC would find the FOO information useful for understanding and treating your W but you are not her IC and she is not your client/patient.

You ask about "an affair" being forgivable. Are you asking about your W's affair and whether you should be forgiving? Is your question just an academic one?

As an abstraction all behavior is forgivable--the word forgive applies only to wrong, hurtful, behavior. And theoretically, all behavior is understandable.

But whether you can forgive your W is a question only you can answer. Whether you find that her FOO issues make her behavior in some way understandable and whether that understanding can lead to your forgiving is something only you can know.

Jesusismyanchor posted 2/6/2018 23:35 PM

I really thought he was making good progress. Things are better, but they are still a work in progress. I will
Admit he has always been a difficult person to be married to for things jther than infedelity. He has been with this IC for a year now and he is also our MC. I find him to be very good. He has really helped us. He did mention this early on but my H did not go. Now IC is mentioning it again. He told my H he had made very good progress and is working his tail off. But. For some reason he is still recommending this after months. My H was surprised. I just don't know because I don't want to lose the progress we have made but also I don't know why his IC feels this way. I am wondering what I have really been living with all these years. 16 years.

I used to look st all the blessings and joy in my life. I had so many good moments. Now I look back and see struggle. Maybe I just made the best of it and had my moments despite things always feeling off somehow I'm just not sure of much anymore.

To the outside world he looks like all rainbows, butterflies and maybe a mean unicorn. From behind closed doors I feel like I have always been on a rollercoaster with him in one way or another. I'm not like that with other people. I get along easily. I'm so very tired right now.

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 12:04 AM, February 7th (Wednesday)]

marji posted 2/7/2018 05:10 AM

JIMA You said you don't know why your H's IC "feels this way." I wasn't quite sure if I understood your concern but I thought it was your H's IC recommending your H visit a psychiatrist to get on a medication regimen despite his saying your H had made progress. Also took your post to mean that you had fears about medication somehow being dangerous.

Have you considered just asking your H's IC why he's suggesting this now? With your H's permission his IC can answer your questions; you might even want to join your H in his next visit. You could also schedule a private visit to ask about drugs in general and discuss your concern about the danger of medication for someone who is dealing with alcoholism, i.e. not talk about your H per se.

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