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Dealing with OC

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Berly posted 3/28/2019 15:21 PM

Well, I have to say...I've allowed the OC into our life and our home and while it hasn't been easy in the beginning, it has turned out to be a positive experience for us.

The OC spends every other weekend with us and we all (including my own children) love when she's here.

I have personally never been to fOW's home where OC lives and I would agree with you that it would have been incredibly weird and awkward if me and my husband went over there for him to spend time with OC. Not to mention that it would probably not be a good situation for my husband to bond with her.

Personally - I think that if you want your husband to have a relationship with OC - you will probably eventually have to let him/her in your home and try to accept them. I mean - what other way is there?

If you think that there is no way you'd ever be able to accept OC in any way and you don't want to accept them - then this is something you need to bring up with your husband. I think you need to all be in this as a family or not at all.

[This message edited by Berly at 3:21 PM, March 28th (Thursday)]

Sgar33 posted 3/28/2019 22:43 PM

Your right I understand that... I visit with the oc now..Iím at every single visitation my husband has with him... I have young teenagers and a child at home.. I will never want them to feel uncomfortable about this situation ... the oc is a baby .. and I know one day when heís older he may come over.. I donít see that happening right now ... I will protect my 3 children as much as possible ...the thought of ruining my childrenís lives right now is devastating... I know they will have to process this on their own time... I will never force visitations on them ...

anon03 posted 4/7/2019 14:41 PM

If you had plans to go somewhere and found out ow and oc we're going to that place too would you go? My wh doesn't understand why I wouldn't go and cancel my plans. He isn't going either was btw so isn't about him seeing her it's about me having to. If we go my son and her son would see each other and play. It's not big enough not to see her.

Berly posted 4/21/2019 16:42 PM

anon03, is the OC in your life?

I personally would go, but we are actively involved in OC's life, we see her regularly every other weekend and fOW usually drops her off, so we see her too.

If we were at the same place at the same time with our kids, I probably would not talk to her or go up to her, I'd keep my distance, but the kids could play together, I see no problem with that.

MissyG posted 5/7/2019 11:02 AM

Iím not sure where to start or even why Iím posting...
I found out my husband was having an affair 6 months ago, we are rebuilding and itís going well. There is no contact with AP and she moved away and is also working on her marriage. The baby is due in 4 weeks and Iíve seen a 4D scan photo on social media and Iím 99% sure itís my husbands. She has always said the baby was his. She has said she is planning on raising the baby as her husbands, and my husband said that suits him fine. But how do I deal with all this emotionally? I seem to have some great days where Iím positive and rational and then I have terrible days where I feel my heart hurting so much.. please tell me this isnít going to ruin my life... :(

ThisIsSoLonely posted 5/7/2019 11:34 AM

My half-sister is the child of my mother and step-father's affair. My mother was divorced and single and my step-father was married. The A went on for about a year before my mother got pregnant. Ultimately my step-father and his wife divorced and he and my mother married when my sister was 2 1/2. They are still married today, 35 years later (their marriage sucked for a long time IMO but recently they seem much happier...but that's a different story).

I am posting this not because I have any insight with children of affairs as a parent but I do have a lot of insight about children of affairs as a sibling of one and as a person who lived in a post-affair combined family household (my mother had 2 children and my step-father had 2 as well prior to my half-sister being born). All 5 of us lived together after they married.

So if anyone would like to ask/talk about how as a child in that situation I (and my siblings) handled it and the things I think my mother, step-father as well as my step-father's ex and my own dad did right...and wrong, please feel free to ask away. I would say I and my step-sister initially had the hardest time (and in so much as anyone "failed" not dealing with my anger initially created more problems that could have been more constructively handled), but that in the long run it has been pretty great for us kids.

While I know this is not what every BS wants to hear but the fact that the OW and the XWS managed to make a good family situation for all the kids involved really was a benefit to us. The fact is that my dad and the OBS participated in making things as harmonious as possible AND my half-sister really is the most well balanced of all of us! :)

So thought I would put it out there

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 11:36 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

Merida posted 5/10/2019 05:58 AM

so let me get this straight Lonely- your mom is the whore/OW that broke up your step-sibs family with an "anchor baby" and now you are here to offer advice to the betrayeds? So like your step-dad's betrayed ex-wife?

And you had such an obviously great role model set of parents - lookie you now? Ya partnered with a cheater?

How is your contribution to this thread helpful?

Don't give me "kids are resilient" either

kids cope from their parents making shitty decisions as best as possible but most have FOO from all their early life drama that tends to (sadly) show up like folks have mentioned as a generational curse until they figure out maybe what monkey saw growing up, monkey shouldn't do...

yeah, Lonely, maybe your heart meant well, but all I see is how you sadly got broke by all your FOO and are somehow still trying to rationalize it as - we managed

IMO your sich is why most of us BSer's worry about what we are leaving as a legacy to our kids in the wake of realizing the crappy decisions our spouse unilaterally made without putting the obvious together that PIV can lead to baby let alone the stupidity to even cross into a PA in the first place

peace as everyone here processes in trying not to raise a second generation of betrayed and/or wayward "monkey brains"

BTW I will take your compliment that it was thanks to the amazing grace offered by the betrayeds (your dad and the ex-wife) that you have your attempt at any "we managed to make the best life after all" to your story... and yah, we here know we are the more mature compared to the wayward

we know we can empathize and focus on the big picture about everyone involved in the dang circus that's been dumped in our lap

[This message edited by Merida at 6:08 AM, May 10th (Friday)]

FamilyMan75 posted 5/22/2019 14:39 PM

I'm concerned about my young daughter, who is almost sixteen months old. The reality is she is not my biological daughter in the grand scheme of things that doesn't matter to me. I fought, and now and forever, she'll be my legal daughter.

But the stigmatism will forever follow her, me, my wife and our entire family forever. My family treat her well enough, but there has been a distance, not entirely changing how they treat her since they found out her true paternity. They surely don't like her mother, my wife, but in not so many words they view her like she is my step daughter versus my daughter.

I remember back when my mother and sister first expressed that she didn't look like me or any members of our family. My daughter, at around the 5 or 6-month mark shortly after I found out the truth myself, started to resemble the other man. The red hair colour, the freckles (more so in the last month or two) and skin tone are a giveaway, as I have dark hair, and brown eyes, and no freckles. My daughter is super fair and burns quickly in the sun. She does look a lot like my wife. SO far no one else, friends, co-workers or strangers have made any comments about her being my stepdaughter, or niece or something. But when I take her and her sisters into public, I have had a comment or two on how they look alike.

I'm just afraid for the day when we tell her the truth. My anger toward the other man is subsiding. I strongly dislike the guy, and if I saw him on the side of the road, I wouldn't stop to help him. I hope in time I can get to the point of indifference, especially when the time comes when she will be curious. It'll be hard, but I'm beginning to terms with it.

I'm not sure exactly what I'm asking, but I just needed to get this out.

[This message edited by FamilyMan75 at 3:37 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

Merida posted 5/26/2019 09:30 AM

familyman first I want to say you are f'in amazing to be walking the warrior's path so please know you have every right to feel good inside that you own your daughter as a child of the living Most High for Spirit is what moves us forever forward and higher, not our meat-puppet parts.

The situation from discovery to your choices now are still in grieving and transformation phases = they ain't kidding when it is an average of two to five years and that is just for run-o-the-mill recovery. Now ya throw in the constant reminder about "different" DNA and there goes the mental gerbil wheel for decades if we are not mindful. While I wouldn't wish this pain of such broken-open to truth of infidelity/OC on anyone, I am truly thankful I have today's technology and support systems to raise my kids emotional intelligence regarding our familial hypersensitivity. So I get it = choose your focus each and every day mindful of the possibility of joy. Life is good appreciating the roses in the garden with knowledge how to handle the thorns.

So you have been giving a living lesson that DNA don't mean a damn thing when it comes to building a loving family. Every day you show yourself, your wife and kids altogether love in action. Be truly Blessed for charting such an amazing mountain climb experience. Be patient with yourself during days of hard climbing and be OK to trust in needed restful periods. This journey takes years to grow a family so enjoy the little day to day joys as famously said "the people that matter don't mind and the people who mind don't matter" regarding outsider opinion. None of the "world" matters for perspective ain't actual reality. Shape your actual reality based upon healthy love and in time that seed will grow to bear good fruit.

Good for you to just get the fear out there = rejection is deeply rooted anxiety. I hope in the years as your lovely daughter grows she is embraced simply as your daughter just as she is a niece and grand-daughter. Adoption is a beautiful way to enrich a family-unit and while the circumstances around her adoption were originally traumatic, there is a reason your strength was able to carry this burden as example for your family's growth to truly understand it ain't the DNA that makes character = it is our living Spirit that shines brightly to dispel the fear of the unknown to manifest L-O-V-E eternal and everpresent

Peace to you and yours as you process to grow deep roots of acceptance and gratitude as ties that bind to LOVE are foundational strengths for good, all ways

[This message edited by Merida at 9:32 AM, May 26th (Sunday)]

yuvas posted 6/7/2019 04:15 AM

This is so lonely, thank you for your story and insight. Most here are trying to find a way for this to work and to protect all children involved knowing that they are innocent.

Merida, your post was frankly the cruellest and most disrespectful Iíve read on this site; you need to reflect on how you treat others, you appear to be religious which makes you seem embarrassingly hypocritical right now.

LosferWords posted 6/7/2019 11:07 AM

FamilyMan75 - I think it's great how you are handling everything with your daughter. Keep her as your main focus, and that will illuminate your path.

I understand your fears about when she finds out. It's all about the uncertainty and unknowns about how she reacts, and how those around her react. By the time she finds out, you will be pretty well mentally prepared, and you'll be able to support her through whatever happens. I had a couple of rough patches with my son when he found out, but now we are closer than ever.

Good on you for working towards indifference with the other guy. It is a long process. I am almost nine years out, and finally approaching indifference myself. It's not something you can really pressure yourself to do, in this situation it just takes a lot of time. Be kind to yourself, man.

Just wanted to send some encouraging words your way. Hope you have a great weekend!

Berly posted 6/7/2019 15:16 PM

This is so lonely, thank you for your story and insight. Most here are trying to find a way for this to work and to protect all children involved knowing that they are innocent.
Merida, your post was frankly the cruellest and most disrespectful Iíve read on this site; you need to reflect on how you treat others, you appear to be religious which makes you seem embarrassingly hypocritical right now.

Agreed, I really appreciated Lonely's post.

I want my own children, as well as OC, to come out of this as healthy as possible.

I don't want to raise a new generation of "betrayeds" or "monkeys". I also certainly don't want to raise hateful or resentful children. My children love their sister and it's my mission for it to stay that way forever and to nurture that love and bond.

I don't blame the OC simply for being born. Even if she had't been born, I still would have been betrayed by my husband, that fact doesn't change.

It's my mission to navigate this situation in the most calm, rational and mature way, for my own children's sake and the OC's. We're the adults, they watch our behavior and model it. I want to be a good example for them.

sassylee posted 6/8/2019 08:57 AM


~You have a pm~

plainpain posted 7/2/2019 02:11 AM

Paternity test established my fWH as the father. Anyone have suggestions on how to approach a first meeting with OC? He's five, and we don't know what he does/doesn't know about how he came to be. Thinking of sending him a photo of his dad and siblings... I'm wondering if I should be in the photo or not? That seems like a weird question. I'm very aware that my husband and children are his family, but I am not his family. Trying not to make it about me, but I feel like an outsider. I'm a grown-up and I want to do what's right for the child. I've already opened my heart up to him and want to include him fully - but I expect that he'll not love me immediately. I'd be grateful for any advice or cautions.

iamanidiot posted 7/19/2019 03:11 AM

Just need to get this stuff off my chest today.

Our middle child is so totally different to the other two. Physically, mental abilities, artistically, relationships and in many other aspects.
It became noticeable to me (and I'm sure others including family members) at an early age when he was still in a pram. He was different compared to the first child.
I was stupid & naive those days. I probably looked the other way. I definitely did not have the tools to grasp her A's at that time.
I just wanted to get on with life and my family and my job and make it all work (and to be the Superhero Dad).

After DDay I brought up the subject that our middle child was an 'OC' with my WS. She was quite distraught, would not entertain the idea, told me AP had had a vasectomy (preferring to believe a liar & a cheat)....She still does not accept the idea. I worked out that conception date was toward the very end of the last A.

The boys are now over 30. They still occasionally joke 'that the postman came knocking'.
They have turned out to be the best of friends. Although miles apart, they appear to look out for one another, communicating by themselves & helping each other without interference from parents.

If I had to say that one was my favourite it would be him, maybe because he is still so different.
I see him more that I do the others. We 'connect' better. There is a song that is 'ours'. We chat, more than the other two.
I have never wanted to do a DNA test, and still don't.

plainpain posted 8/6/2019 18:31 PM

We told our kids this weekend about the OC - they already knew about the A. OC is five, and OW recently filed for child support. So now we're telling other family, and it's all coming back to me how everyone disappeared from my life after the A, like I had done something wrong. So much gossip, so much interpreting of our lives and our choices - this is so hard.

We are asking for joint custody, and so we need to prepare our friends and family and community. But today I'm just so angry at all the stupid stuff people have already said. What is wrong with people, that they can't figure out how to speak and act with compassion?

My kids are kind of leaning towards being happy - but also they're telling everyone, and I feel like I can't control the narrative again, just like after the A. I think that's triggering me.

Any advice on how to deal would be welcome.

hurt83 posted 8/26/2019 17:45 PM

Plain pain. How old are your children? I'm going to have to tell mine eventually. How did they take it? Do u live in a small town? The ow got mad and got on my H fb page. She sent her side of the sob story to every female with our last name. It sucks. For some strange reason I carry his shame and I shouldn't. I hope things get better for you. It seems like our story is very similar.

plainpain posted 9/3/2019 02:01 AM

@hurt83 My kids are 22, 18 and 14. They took it surprisingly well, but they already knew about the A. We do live in a small town; there's no hiding, that's for sure.

It's not a club I ever imagined being part of.

hurt83 posted 9/11/2019 16:29 PM

My story is long, so here is the short version. The ow was married when she got pregnant and her husband wanted to raise the oc as his. The oc is biracial and both of them are white. We cant get the birth certificate overturned so we have not had contact with the ow or oc in a few years. The oc is now 5 and I really think that my husband should reach out to the oc. I grew up without my dad and it sucked. The ow and her husband are now divorced. Am I opening pandoras box? I feel like this
"Secret" is only going to get worse and we should deal with it now. What are your thoughts?

Salty16 posted 9/12/2019 13:54 PM

Hurt, why do you feel it is important to reach out? Just because they are divorcing does not mean he won't continue to be an active parent.

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