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Please don't play her games. Please.

Don't get sidetracked with shit like Facebook, and get the job done. You already have all the evidence you need.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 6:23 PM, September 7th (Thursday)]

Please give her some warning or her reaction maybe extreme!

So we had a talk tonight. I told her I am not living this way anymore, it is time to choose . Told her it was either go NC and break up with other man and work on us or be with him. She chose him. I am actually relieved in a way. She also tried to tell me that if I turn him in ( she still has no idea I did yet) that he would get me for stealing his text messages to her and getting texts from her to him of off her phone. Idle threats because I own the phones. She had quite the attitude tonight. Tomorrow I see the lawyer. And I told her tomorrow night we will tell the kids. She caught an attitude on that and said let's tell them everything then . That's what you want isn't it. Tell them all about it. I told her I just wanted to tell the truth. She's scared I'll tell all about the length of the affair and how she played house, which is not my plan. I just want them to know the truth and that it's not my fault.

Make damn sure you record that with the kids (if it happens). She may not know how to handle it since he is at sea and can't advise her. Be on guard/shields up. This is where she may claim abuse.

Stay strong. You're doing well.

BTW, I laughed out loud about his bullshit threat about the texts. You're a freakin' Whistleblower...and he's threatening you.

She actually tried to manipulate me by saying "if you then I" if you turn him in I'll hate you forever. She has no idea yet

Hi, GW5263.

I would like to reinforce that recommendation from TimelessLoss:

Make damn sure you record that with the kids

Do that. Protect yourself.

My in-laws are despicable people. After being physically assaulted by my WW's brother and falsely accused in the police, I have recorded every single conversation I have had with any of them. All it takes is a good cell phone app. I have actually two: the first one records the audio of all calls made to or from my cell phone; the second one is used to record "ambient" (*) conversations, which I can do with my phone in my pocket.

(*) Not sure if "ambient" is the right word; I refer to the times when we are in the presence of each other.

Question for everyone- my kids are ages 13 and 14. As I said before my 13 year old has aspbergers autism. He is highly intelligent. The question is this- exactly how much should be told about the affair? Obviously not the sexual parts.

I dont intend to use my children as a bargaining tool or leverage, but as of now they believe it is all my fault we are having issues. As I said last night I decided it was D time after she said she has no interest in ever working on us and would not give OM up.

I do want them to know she had an affair, and that when she went away it was to stay with him for a week. I also want to tell them she does not want to be with me and is in love with him. Any suggestions? This is most definatley new ground for me, and I am unsure about this.

Tell the kids this: "Your mom has a boyfriend, and I'm not ok with that, so we are getting a divorce."

Gw,

I also want to tell them she does not want to be with me and is in love with him

and,

"When two people marry they promise to be faithful to each other. Your mother did not follow that promise and went out and got a boyfriend. Because of that I am going to D her"

That's the easy part. The tougher part is the reassurance that they are loved, will always be loved, and will be taken care of. See, they will be wondering what is going to be happening to the...where will they live, with whom, will they go to the same school, will they have to move. And they may never say these words to you. Instead, they may internalize it and not be able to process it. Hell, we're adults and can barely process this shit.

So you have to actually bring it up, talk about it, tell them what is going on, ask them how they are feeling, ask them if any of their friend's parents are D. Reassurance, "Guys, we're going to be ok. Mom (yes, Mom) and Dad love you."

Now the whole reveal to the kids can go to shit in a hurry. Expect she will minimize, blame shift.

You need to be a rock for your kids. An absolutely solid anchor for them. Even though you are likely to be triggered by what she says.

It's really the aftermath, the days, weeks, months that follow that are more important than the reveal day.

Gw, you're going to find lots of healing for yourself as you double down on your Dad mode to protect them. Your focus will shift away from your W and all of your energy will be directed to you and your kids. That's your family.

Stay strong tonight. Be a rock for your kids. Have it in your in your mind that it is irrelevant what she says, even when she lies. Because you know the truth.

Not the sexual part.

How do you answer if they ask straight question - did their mother had sex with another man? Be prepared.

I dont intend to use my children as a bargaining tool or leverage, but as of now they believe it is all my fault we are having issues.

Then your heart is in the right place, and they'll see that.

We have a 15 yr old with high functioning autism. Also very intelligent. He worries about reacting "the wrong" way in tough situations, and he also worries about mistakes he's made in the past. I don't know if this is something your son experiences. If so, you might want to point out that you're not upset by anything they might have done, because they didn't have the facts, based on choices you and your wife made for them at the time. Also, maybe say out loud that there's no response they could have that would make things better or worse.

Very tough situation, but the sooner the better if they're upset with you over what their mom is doing.

And I third (fourth?) keeping a recorder on you, starting as soon as you go home tonight.

When you tell the kids, just make sure you emphasize that it wasn't their fault, they did nothing to cause this.

Kids always seem to think it was because of them.

I hope you has the VAR running last night. You did, didn't you? Record everything, don't get lazy about that, just in case.

Make copies and store those away somewhere safe. 99% chance you'll never need them, but......

Why do I hear CCR's Bad Moon Rising?

I hear hurricanes a-blowing

I know the end is coming soon

I fear rivers over flowing

I hear the voice of rage and ruin

I suppose singing that catchy number while she is around would be inappropriate, wouldn't it?

You're chuckling at her expense when she talks about exposure. I'd like to point out had you not exposed then we'd be talking about this for the next five weeks -- except since you did you have the COMPLETE power over the situation.

You exposing was an incredible victory and reviewing those victories, and their positive impact, is a really good motivator for future positive action.

How did the lawyer meeting go?

It went ok. These jokers are high dollar! $1500 down 1500 before court. I have to go back with financials because this is going to be a little complicated. I have the IRS debt, the house , and custody to work thru. I also have to see a bankruptcy atty. I am not going to carry all the debt and she is already naming her price for support. She thinks I should file the bankruptcy first and then the divorce. I am going divorce first so she can get saddled with her fair share of the debt. I will be damned if she will do her thing with OM AND get off leaving me all the debt. Kentucky is 50/50 on custody as long as there is no domestic violence or child abuse. I wouldn't have to pay any support because I will have them half of the time. She wants support to help finance her while she waits for him to make up Jo's mind to let her move down there with him. She has said she doesn't think this will work out due to distance. Cannot fornthe life of me figure out any of this nightmare. But it's time to leave it in the dust and go on. I foresee this affair failing soonand her trying to creep back into my life within six months. Sorry sister you had the chance and wasted it. Move along.

It went ok. These jokers are high dollar! $1500 down 1500 before court. I have to go back with financials because this is going to be a little complicated. I have the IRS debt, the house , and custody to work thru. I also have to see a bankruptcy atty. I am not going to carry all the debt and she is already naming her price for support. She thinks I should file the bankruptcy first and then the divorce. I am going divorce first so she can get saddled with her fair share of the debt. I will be damned if she will do her thing with OM AND get off leaving me all the debt. Kentucky is 50/50 on custody as long as there is no domestic violence or child abuse. I wouldn't have to pay any support because I will have them half of the time. She wants support to help finance her while she waits for him to make up Jo's mind to let her move down there with him. She has said she doesn't think this will work out due to distance. Cannot fornthe life of me figure out any of this nightmare. But it's time to leave it in the dust and go on. I foresee this affair failing soonand her trying to creep back into my life within six months. Sorry sister you had the chance and wasted it. Move along.

It's good you have met with the lawyer and started the process.

Also see you have gotten good advice on talking with the kids. Do you know what WW will say to the kids. Assuming she will try to somehow blame this on you to them.

Gw, great work on getting out there to the attorney.

Another thing about the reveal to the kids. You can start off with what they already know, and that is the screensaver loveydovey picture of the two of them on her phone.

Find an opening sentence for you to start with and the rest will follow. "Hey guys remember the picture you saw of your mom and another guy?...I want to talk to you about that..."

She will most likely let me do the talking like she did for the separation. Until of course it comes to the part about her. I had planned on telling them that we had talked, and mom does not want to fix the problems. Mom has decided that she does not love me anymore and does not want to be married to me. At this point I was going straight into Mom has a boyfriend she says she loves and has been with him since February. Mom went to stay with him for a week in July.

Mom wants to be wiith him now.

At this point I think she'll either run out of the room or start her drama. My daughter idolizes her and my wife knows she'll be upset. She acted all big thenother night when I said we needed to tell them until I asked her how she thought they will react. They will be extremely upset with her over this. She does not want that at all because I think the guilt will overwhelm her. She still says they are her world so seeing her world devastated by her actions will hurt her deeply. It is not my intention to use them to hurt her. She did that already with her selfish actions.

Divorce wise I don't want to give her anything I am not legally required to. She will sign a quit claim deed on the house, I'm keeping all the appliances , she can have her personal stuff. She agreed to that last week. Tough love time. You want out to be with him, be with him. Take your shit and go. I am not financing her new life. You wanted it you got it, deal with it.

Gw - It looks like you have found a good path to take thru this. Keeping calm and keeping to the facts are the way to go. She has decided that she want to be with the other man.

You have honesty and integrity on your side, she doesn't and she knows it. Sounds like she also knows her A will not end with rainbows and unicorns.

Take care and keep strong for you and kids.