SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have a post in the 'Just Found Out' section. Basic information - my wife and I are in our mid-30s. Been together since High School. Married 11 years. Two children - 6 and 10. I discovered that she was having an affair in April 2017 and that affair had gone on for 3 years. It was physical and emotional. It would still be happening if I didn't discover it - to my knowledge they haven't had contact. The OM was a married man, I contacted his wife and told her (and gave her evidence). I investigated a lot of details and know a lot of information.

I ended the relationship last night. I decided I can't stay with someone that I can't trust. I'm also disgusted by the affair and the thoughts of it. I am happy with my decision and I am scared. I'm scared I'm making a mistake because I COULD continue to live with her and probably form an even better relationship. She has been 'the best wife' over the past week (when I first talked about leaving)... however, I know that won't last. We are best friends and have supported each other since we have been together. I'm not an open person - but I've been the most open with her in my life.

Only two of my family members know about the affair now - my mother and my sister. We haven't told the kids about the separation yet. I'm not telling the kids about the affair - we will plan to tell them we don't 'love each other' like a married couple should. We are planning to 'work together' on physically separating though I'm slightly worried that she will enter the anger phase and conflict will escalate.

I guess when it comes down to it... this is such a hard process and a mystery for me. I've never lived alone. I've never dated anyone else. I've never kissed anyone else. I've never loved anyone else. I feel embarrassed admitting all of this... but I was a very shy person in High School and struggled with social anxiety most of my life. I've worked hard to overcome my anxiety and am a much stronger person now. Should be interesting.

Hi, Newguy2, and welcome to S/D forum. It's not what any of us ever signed up for getting a divorce, but if infidelity is a deal breaker then you're better off moving forward with the D. Please see a lawyer ASAP to get that ball rolling and know what you can expect in terms of finances and custody. The conventional wisdom around here is "hope for the best but prepare for the worst" in terms of an amicable settlement.

Divorce, like recovering from infidelity, is a journey but for me one of the best parts of getting divorced was re-discovering myself. Work on you. Identify the things that make you happy and cultivate those things--exercise, hobbies, cultural things, whatever they are.

Do not rush headlong into another relationship. This is a gift in your like--a time to figure out yourself. Don't bury that. Take things day by day and be kind to yourself. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

Thanks for the response.

It's funny... I have a bit of an anxious personality. So I tend to want to do things quickly and 'get it over with'. This separation process is going to be difficult because we need to live together for a month. There is a place for her to move available in August. We will have to make sure we give each other space... guess I'll have to make plans with old friends. Maybe spend some nights with family.

As for the dating thing... a part of me is really excited to date. Maybe I'm trying to fill in the gap? Rebound relationship? Though I think reality will hit me when I realize how difficult dating and finding someone new is going to be. I really should get my feet under me before I get into anything serious.

You have a year head start on processing this. Your kids are about to have a major Dday. I think it's really important to help them thru their Dad or Mom moving out and leaving them with only 1 months notice!

Our counselor said its very important to tell them the truth because adults in their life know it, and they are going to find out later and be really mad they were deceived about their own life! If you weren't going to D, don't tell them, but if you are D definately tell them.

My kids asked me to please not make them eat at the dinner table because it was so awful with Dads empty place. My 11 year old son started wetting the bed, he would cry and cry when he got home from his Dads on Sunday. He said it was like 1/2 of his heart and his body were ripped off. My 12 year old happy, athletic student tried to hang himself. It was so hard on them bc we rarely fought (I continually smoothed things over) and they were not told the truth at first. Once I got then in counseling, they were told the truth, they then started processing the trama better.

eta: they are thriving now. The counseling, and less time with their toxic Dad has improved their life. (He became very toxic after the D).

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 6:14 AM, July 2nd (Sunday)]

Welcome to the group! I know it must feel weird to be welcome to a group such as this, but we are glad you’re here. I am sorry to hear about the recent discovery and the decision it has led up to. I often encourage people to try to work on the marriage, but infidelity (affair) is real and breaks every part of us and most of all, our trust in each other.

Yes, it’s hard to transition to a new home, new life, new relationships…. etc and there will be bumps ahead of the road that I’m sure those thoughts of, “Maybe I shouldn’t have done it?” but I’m sure you’ve process those possibility with your mother and sister.

Have you looked into perhaps having a counselor who can walk through this with you? When I say that, I don’t mean just soul care but also just walking through the grieving process of the possible change that is about to come. It could be honestly at times exciting, but often it’s more tragic and hurtful and it is hard to navigate through those especially with children.

Praying for you my friend. Feel free to reach out to me. Love to talk more about it for sure.

I just want to say that I've been going through the process of informing family/friends/co-workers about my wife and I separating. Everyone has been SO supportive. I am feeling so confident in my decision to leave - I know it's the right thing.

I signed up on a dating site and started talking a bit with some other women. A part of me feels like I'm rushing - but another part of me is excited just to meet people and even to make some new friends. I'm being completely up front that I'm not looking for anything committed or serious and just wanting to chat, go for coffee, etc.

I know there will be bumps in the road in the future - but I think I've been through the worst 'bump' in my life and if I had the strength to maintain after that... I can handle anything.

I signed up on a dating site and started talking a bit with some other women.

Whoa! I would urge you to not take this step. I get it, I do, but honestly you're really better off taking things slowly and working on yourself. Cultivate male friendships, take up exercise or hobbies. Don't substitute one relationship for another.

BrokenheartedUK - I have been connecting with some of my old (male) friends. And you're probably right... I'm jumping into things too quickly. However, I have no experience with dating. And right now I'm in a position where I can't have any type of relationship (I'm still living with my wife). However, I think it's ok to meet women and maybe make some friends.

I've been talking with a girl and she's not ready for any committed relationship so she's been sharing tips and we're sort of supporting each other a bit. I'm trying to treat it like a friendship? I believe she is on the same page as I have been completely open and honest about my situation. I think she's way out of my league anyway. :)

Hey Newguy:

I signed up on a dating site and started talking a bit with some other women. A part of me feels like I'm rushing - but another part of me is excited just to meet people and even to make some new friends. I'm being completely up front that I'm not looking for anything committed or serious and just wanting to chat, go for coffee, etc.

I've been there, buddy... slow down. Please take your dating site profile down and relax. There's a saying around here: "broken attracts broken", and right now, you are still in a million pieces.

Don't focus on meeting women. Focus on you. That may mean getting out and meeting some new PEOPLE, but not on dating sites. Maybe checkout some MeetUp groups in your area. Or, get back to an old hobby that you have let get away from you - especially if it's one she disapproved of

Seriously, man, slow down, because it's really gonna stir some shit up in you if you get involved with someone too soon (even if you don't mean to). It's not fair to the women you meet either.

On top of all that, the rejection and crazy f*&king people you may come across on dating sites can really take a toll if you're totally mentally fit and able - never mind what might happen if you're not.

Slow down. It will all come. Focus on you. Now is the time to become bigger, better, faster and MORE than you were before.

[This message edited by ChangeMaker at 12:22 PM, July 4th (Tuesday)]

I've been there, buddy... slow down. Please take your dating site profile down and relax. There's a saying around here: "broken attracts broken", and right now, you are still in a million pieces.

You probably won't take any notice but ChangeMaker and BrokenheartedUK are right. The sense of abandonment you are feeling is a major hurdle to overcome. It is said by some for every 5 years of marriage allow a year to recover emotionally!

Please try to learn to become comfortable on your own first Newguy.

You'll no doubt have a rebound relationship sooner or later. It will be probably be a steep learning curve my friend!

You all are right. I hid my profile. I was talking to a girl and she told me the same thing - I'm not ready for a dating site.

I think I was so excited and it took all the hurt away that I thought it was the right thing. But I need to continue experiencing this hurt.

I also had a blowup with my wife when we were discussing how we were going to divide finances. She wants me to take on half her car loan - but wants to hold onto thousands of dollars she has been saving for a trip for the kids. I told her if I have to take half the loan I should get half the savings.

She responded 'do we need to get lawyers' and I said, 'I didn't want this situation'. She then told me I'm causing the hurt for the kids because I'm choosing to leave. She said I'm not owning my responsibility for the affair. She keeps talking about how she's 'finding out' from other people that they had affairs and were able to work out their relationship and make it stronger.

I'm getting tired of these games.

You all are right. I hid my profile. I was talking to a girl and she told me the same thing - I'm not ready for a dating site.

Thanks Newguy and all who gave advice. I went straight onto the dating sites​ and have now also hidden my profile. I know exactly how you are feeling, the good old saying of "get back on the horse" doesn't always apply.

She said I'm not owning my responsibility for the affair.

Do not accept responsibility for HER choices. Again, I know this is hard because I'm doing it myself. I question what I could have done to make her happy but as I said to her, happiness has to come from within, if she has to continually seek it in objects, people and experiences​ (she is planning a European tour) then she will never find true happiness. We can only own our actions.

I understand, Newguy, about wanting to date. You need some sort of validation that you're worthy and desirable. I also think it might be because of your history - only girl kissed, dated, loved, etc. Maybe she was the only one and now she's betrayed you so would anyone else, anyone, find you attractive in any way. My own opinion is that you do need to do a heap of healing before you should attempt any new relationship. I know others disagree but I do think you will do yourself and perhaps your children a disservice by going to fast.

My WW isn't the only girl I kissed. She's the only one I kissed since dating her. She is the only one I loved or made love to, though. I grew up in the sexual revolution and she's my one and only. I say this to point our I don't think you should be ashamed of this or embarrassed by admitting it. Honesty and integrity have a very high value in my books.

That scares me, sillyoldsod. I agree with what you've said. What scares me is that I've been married 40 years. I'm 66 years old. Another 8 years makes me 74. It'll take a minimum of 1 year to get divorced and I need considerable more IC. Damn.

Newguy, you're young. Give it time. There is a woman out there for you and worthy of you and you of her. Best of luck in healing, first.

I hid my profile on the dating site and informed the two girls I was chatting with that I'm not ready for ANYTHING at this point. They both understood. I think I'm going to try to pursue a friendship with the girl that told me that I'm not ready for dating - if she is fine with that - as she was the first person I ever contacted. And she's not looking for a relationship either.

I'm going to try and ignore my wife's offhand comments unless I think it impacts the kids. I need to keep my focus on the goal - separating everything and working on myself.

She said I'm not owning my responsibility for the affair.

You are not responsible for her actions in any way, at all, ever...she is 100% to blame for her A, period.

All the more reason to not consider R with her.

If she changed her tune and realized it was all on her, then it would be different.

Hey Newguy,

I'm sorry you are here. There are plenty of people in the world who would not and will not cheat on you. Instead, they will be able to speak the truth, hold themselves accountable and do the sometimes difficult work of sustaining a healthy relationship.

What is typical of most cheaters is blame shifting behaviour. Cheaters would like you, the faithful spouse, to assume part of the responsibility for their choices. It's typical and I urge you to shield yourself from this. You simply cannot cause anyone to cheat. You do not have the super power, thank god.

Instead, you can decide if this behaviour is acceptable to you. I hope you decide that it isn't. And then, go no to limited contact and yes, get a lawyer. You don't need to tell your cheater you've contacted a lawyer. You will need legal advice. Please remember that while you share history and yes, you may love this person, the cheater is NOT your friend. Do not expect "fairness" in a person who has demonstrated they cannot hold themselves accountable or consider your well-being.

I'm against the notion that children should be lied to about infidelity. Of course any disclosure should be age appropriate but even kindergarten kids know that lying and cheating are harmful. Holding cheaters accountable will not be easy, but for your own sanity and the well-being of your children, speak the truth. You have been fired from the job of protecting her.

You are not responsible for the consequences of how people perceive her. If she wanted to be maintain her integrity there were a thousand other choices at hand, she chose to cheat. It's a choice.

I hope you take the time to heal and I urge you to move forward protecting yourself, your finances and your emotional well-being.

She said I'm not owning my responsibility for the affair. She keeps talking about how she's 'finding out' from other people that they had affairs and were able to work out their relationship and make it stronger.

I'm getting tired of these games.

Then don't be a willing participant when she chooses to play them. Set some boundaries. If it's not about the kids, or the finances, or some other strictly necessary subject, don't engage with her.

I've never been particularly good about setting boundaries with people, particularly my adult children. But I did run across an enlightening title called Unhealthy Helping by Shawn Meghan Burn. Really, it can apply to almost any relationship where we're over-giving. For your purposes though, your STBXWW needs to learn to stand on her own two feet, both financially and emotionally.

It's not punishing to set boundaries on the treatment we're willing to tolerate or how much help we're willing to give. It's a skill worth learning too as you approach single life again.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 1:47 PM, July 5th (Wednesday)]

With apologies, but total nonsense brings out bitter sarcasm in me.

She then told me I'm causing the hurt for the kids because I'm choosing to leave

Yes, why are you standing up for your rights and boundaries? You selfish, selfish man. You should let her do what she wants and just put up with it. What's wrong with you? You should do what's best for the children. That's what was uppermost in her mind when she was cheating.

She really lives in la-la land, doesn't she?

She said I'm not owning my responsibility for the affair.

She makes a good point. If you hadn't married her and had children with her, she couldn't have knowingly and deliberately betrayed her husband and children. Without you, she would have been single and childless, but that wasn't good enough for you. You had to step in and set the whole 'marriage and kids' thing up. And after you tricked her into that cruel trap, the poor woman had no option but to go into destructive betrayal mode. Any reasonable person would understand that.

She keeps talking about how she's 'finding out' from other people that they had affairs and were able to work out their relationship and make it stronger.

Well there you go. She wasn't cheating, she was "strengthening the marriage". It's a well known fact that many marriage counselors live by the motto: "An affair a day keeps the divorce court away". It makes perfect sense.

The original author of that philosophy died penniless and living in a storm drain a few months after his national tour to promote his new motto: "Achieve lasting financial stability by giving your money away".

Oh, and if your wife thinks affairs are a great way to strengthen a relationship, you can always tell her about the dating sites you've been on, and that you are lining up enough other women that your marriage will end up being the strongest in North America. See if she likes them apples.

Sorry, Newguy, I'm not making light of your situation. My heart goes out to you. However, your wife is talking absolute nonsense, and sometimes the best response to that is to satirise it.

Ignore the nonsense, and move forward with your plan for getting yourself out of infidelity.

Sending you strength, brother.

[This message edited by M1965 at 4:52 PM, July 5th (Wednesday)]

M1965 - LOL I really enjoyed the sarcastic responses. Especially the Marriage Counselor's motto "An affair a day keeps the divorce court away". The most ironic thing... she is a marriage counselor.

And I am planning to try to avoid engaging in 'games' with her. I've already started to ignore some of her comments. I gave her an analogy today that I think she understood - I said 'it's like someone abusing their partner and blaming them for leaving "you left... I was willing to work on things".

I am very fortunate to have so many supports in my life. Just going to take things a step at a time.

I ended the relationship last night. I decided I can't stay with someone that I can't trust.

This is what I took away with me. Whenever I wonder if I should have stayed for the kids or life would have been easier (not!). Or maybe if I had just done X, Y and Z.... But you can't trust someone who betrays you unless they are willing to make amends and earn your trust back (not the case for your ex or mine, since they both think we are responsible for their cheating).

One thing I found very helpful socially was joining a divorce meetup group. It's just a bunch of locals who gather at a pub every Wednesday evening. Some have been going for years because of friendships they've made, so they are mentors through the whole process. Others are new to everything. There's a bit of an unwritten rule against dating other members of the Meetup group for good reason - most are not ready and they are worried about it causing the group to implode.