SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm a fan of reconciliation in cases with kids.. IF you think your wife is remorseful, has ended her affair, and you've exposed her - consider if you could work through this with her.

I'm scared I'm making a mistake because I COULD continue to live with her and probably form an even better relationship.

Look, this was HER mistake and she had a LONG time to correct it. So you don't own this. I will say that if you could do it and she's willing to put in the work, that you should CONSIDER doing it for the sake of the kids. Your relationship, short of the 3-year affair sounds relatively positive.

Often spouses that choose to divorce because it's the "easier" option find the exact opposite. For me, I exercised every way I knew possible to retain our family structure and be done with the infidelity. It didn't work for me - she wasn't remorseful, but I sleep very well at night...

Online dating, is tough.. And it's tough on the kids. Just sayin'...

No Soliciting

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:16 AM, July 6th (Thursday)]

Hi Newguy,

Glad you took my comments in the spirit they were meant.

The most ironic thing... she is a marriage counselor.

So she's a marriage counsellor who cheats? That's like being a home security advisor who is an active burglar! Honestly, what kind of advice is she going to dispense to other people? If anyone should know that affairs are not beneficial to relationships, it ought to be a marriage counsellor! Having said that, quite a few forum members report that they have had really poor advice from counsellors, so you have to wonder what it takes to qualify as a counsellor. A pulse and a laptop?

And I am planning to try to avoid engaging in 'games' with her. I've already started to ignore some of her comments. I gave her an analogy today that I think she understood - I said 'it's like someone abusing their partner and blaming them for leaving "you left... I was willing to work on things".

Very wise. She cannot 'logic' or 'reason' her way out of what she has done, so there is no point to end up playing word games with her or solving riddles. Some time ago I read a book about assertiveness, and one technique it recommended was that if someone keeps bugging you for a response that you do not want to give, you invent a 'stock' phrase for yourself and just repeat it. Instead of playing logic games with her, or engaging with whatever comments she makes, you could respond with a short, pithy phrase that cuts things off before they begin.

You could try something like, "You lied, you betrayed me, it's over".

Her: You're the one choosing to break up the marriage.

You: You lied, you betrayed me, it's over.

Her: Why can't you take responsibility for the affair?

You: You lied, you betrayed me, it's over.

Her: Haven't you thought about what this will do to the kids?

You: You lied, you betrayed me, it's over.

And so on.

I know that is a weird way to communicate, but I have used it a few times, and it does stop people from bothering you. They get exasperated, they don't like it, but they stop bothering you.

The point is, she obviously used some kind of warped, pretzel-shaped logic in her own mind to justify what she did (particularly with her being a marriage counsellor), and she would love you to start bending your thoughts into the same contorted shape. That is what the games are all about. You have to go in the opposite direction, and stick to the basic facts of what she did.

She has been 'the best wife' over the past week (when I first talked about leaving)... however, I know that won't last.

That's the point, isn't it? When you realise that someone will be on their best behaviour when they face consequences, but will slip back into their old ways as soon as they think they are 'safe' again. A three-year affair is a long and deliberate thing, and as you said, she would still be involved with it had you not caught her and ended it. What kind of commitment has she showed to you, the marriage, or even the principle of telling the truth? You may have had some good times with her, but you now know that she cannot be trusted.

I think the fact that you were enthusiastic about dating speaks volumes about your real feelings here. If you were mad with love for her, dating would be the last thing on your mind, but your reaction shows that perhaps what you really want is liberation from the situation you are in.

You can have a new and rewarding life that does not include infidelity. There are many, many people in this forum who have made the same journey, suffered the same anxiety, and then emerged into the sunlight at the end of the tunnel to find that freeing themselves from a relationship where trust had been destroyed was the best thing they ever did. And you will only be alone for as long as you want to be, as your experiences on the dating sites proves.

Just my take on things, based on my experiences in life.

Sending you strength and best wishes, Newguy.

My wife started to see an IC and I'm considering doing the same in the future. She's always going to have a place in my heart... and at the same time I know it is the right decision to leave. I'm focusing on the positive - this disruption is only going to strengthen me as a person.

I believe I'm a great guy with good communication and emotional regulation skills. I work hard and try to prioritize my children. Just need to work on building my own confidence and learn how to live on my own (which will also build me up).

The next year or so should be quite the personal growth experience... that's the silver lining.

Newguy,

IC could be a very good thing to try. Frankly, I think everyone could benefit from it, as long as they get a good counselor. And if you don't, change them.

Of course your wife will always have a place in your heart. My ex-es have a place in mine. I don't hate them, and I didn't hate them when we broke up. Painful as those times were, I knew at the time (once when I instigated the break, and once when I was ditched) that breaking up was the right thing to do. And as the years passed, I knew that with ever greater certainty.

Yes, we definitely do grow by surviving adversity. I have done the most 'growing' in my life when I have been out of my comfort zone. And what has surprised me is that things are never as bad as I thought they would be before I tried them. You are a bright guy with loads of potential, and you will do fine. The more things you try, the more things you will find that you can do. And do well.

I went back to college to get a degree in my early thirties. I had never thought I could do something like that, but I stuck with it, and three years later I got a decent degree. But you know what? If right at the beginning someone had shown me a list of everything I would be expected to do, I would have run a mile! But when I worked through it, day by day, and task by task, I did all of it and got a decent result at the end. That whole experience taught me so much about my perceptions and how things go in reality. We do things a day at a time, one task after another, and we get through it.

And you will get through it, and your confidence will blossom. Mine did. I am not some strutting braggart now - God forbid! - but what I know is that I can do more than I think I can if I just give things a try. And that has had a huge impact on my life. I don't hide from stuff anymore because of uncertainty, or write myself off without trying things.

There is a great old proverb that I heard which is: Every new experience makes us either richer or wiser.

How much truth is there in that?

The coming year will be the year of YOU, Newguy. You are going to emerge from it more confident, happier, and who knows, maybe even with someone new in your life. It's all up to you.

Oh, and there is a great forum here called "New Beginnings", which is full of stories from people who have gone the same route. You might pick up a lot from doing some reading there, and you will always be more than welcome to post there whenever you like. Support will always be there for you, and in this forum too.

Wishing you well, brother. This will be your year.

Thanks M1965. I agree - I'm focusing on a confident outlook for myself.

My wife and I have really been getting into the separation process. She wants to move out within the next 1-3 months (for which I told her she can stay at the house until we sell if she wants). I don't feel awkward around her and I'm trying to develop a process for living my separate life without her. She keeps pressuring me to tell her to leave. She is also upset that I told people in the community about her affair. She's completely focused on how it will ruin her reputation as a therapist and how it's going to cost me. I'm just ignoring all of that and focusing on my goal - amicably separating everything.

I know everyone recommends lawyers.... but I want to keep expenses down if we can. We talked about compromise and 'time outs' as a way to work together on the separation. First step is our finances.

If she wants to move out let her move out. The sooner the better. The best way to heal is to be away from the person as much as you can. It removed any opportunity for any kind of negative behavior. My response to her about her affair being public I would just tell her I need support to get through this from anyone I can so if I want to tell the world and that will help me heal then that is what I will do. It stopped being about you the day you cheated.

Good for you for putting a end to this. My xW didn't have a long term affair but she had an unknown amount of men in her life while we were married. I don't know who all she slept with or even just had a emotional affair with. I know some people are just bitter but honestly I really don't know. The only way I was able to catch her the times I did was she would mistype the persons email address and I was the network administrator for our ISP so all bounce backs would hit my email box. I am also a voice engineer so working on voice gateways were common for me. Seeing my home phone online calling peoples numbers I didn't recognize really made it hard to heal and move forward. The only way I was truly able to start to heal was when I kicked her out.

Working in IT you think you have control over so many aspects in your life. my xW was the third woman to each me that I didn't have a clue.

I don't believe in reconciliation even when a person is remorseful now. To me if you even think about it and I find out about it ill walk. Its just not worth it to me anymore .I learned I can do just fine on my own. The more you learn your going to be fine without her the more you will see leaving her was the best choice.

C

NG,

I'm focusing on a confident outlook for myself.

Absolutely. Free yourself up and start to live again. Nobody needs a liar in their life.

She keeps pressuring me to tell her to leave.

I'm sure she does. She wants the satisfaction of provoking a powerful emotion in you. What she doesn't like is that you are fine and calm about breaking up, because that robs her of control. So she wants to push you to some kind of 'extreme' emotional outburst like throwing her and her property out on the street. That would indicate that you still have strong feelings for her. The fact that you are willing to let her stay in the same home, quite happily, until the break-up, must really annoy her. The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference, and your indifference to her bothers the hell out of her.

She is also upset that I told people in the community about her affair. She's completely focused on how it will ruin her reputation as a therapist and how it's going to cost me.

Hey, she thought cheating was fine to do, so she ought to be fine explaining it to anyone who asks her about it. If she isn't comfortable with people knowing about it, maybe she shouldn't have done it. As for her reputation as a therapist, maybe she should have thought about that before she decided to do what she did. If someone thinks a married marriage counselor and mother who thought that a three year affair was fine might make a lousy marriage counselor, then so be it. The community, and her potential clients, should know the truth about her before they pay her good money to guide their marriages after she demolished her own.

As for costs...Oh please! How can she prove any loss of income? Nobody booked her? Tough luck, that's being in business for yourself. How do you prove that a lack of bookings is down to your betrayed husband letting the community know that your approach to fixing marriages is to cheat? It can't be done. Every independent business person lives from booking to booking. They have busy periods, and quiet periods.

I'm just ignoring all of that and focusing on my goal - amicably separating everything.

Way to go. Stay cool, calm, and collected.

When she hits you with her next attempted zinger, just look at her and ask, "Have you finished?" And if she says she has, say, "Good". And then carry on with whatever you are doing.

You are well on the way to freedom from infidelity, and that seems to be bothering the person who brought it into your life. I guess she'll just have to live with the consequences of her choices as you move on.

Keep on keeping on, NG. You are doing just fine.

[This message edited by M1965 at 2:37 PM, July 8th (Saturday)]