Firstly, let me again say happy 4th to all the SI community from the US. There are a host of US expat families in our neighbourhood so our skies are going to be lit with spectacular displays this evening, so know that I will be celebrating right along with you.
Last night, after great progress with the strip and clean project I ran myself a long, hot, lavender scented bubble bath and let the grease and oil slowly lift from the pores.
Quickly, on the Jazz project, the rear wheel bearings don’t sound as sweet as I would like them to so they will be replaced. Also, the clutch most probably would have needed to be replaced in the next 20 000 kilometres or so but that is of no consequence. To be able to put any sort of decent power down you have to put in a more robust clutch. Apart from that, the rest of her is in immaculate condition, so the perfect platform for my project.
After the bath I had a wonderful sleep, was at gym well before sunrise, 2 early meetings as I got to the office and when I finally got to the desk I thought I would check in with SI. The thread had grown by 2 pages overnight. My reading of this is it is such a graphic demonstration of the real care and concern of the SI community. That strangers, from across the globe, can be interested in me and my seemingly insignificant personal drama, gives me such a sense of encouragement. I read each post and I try to interpret, understand and learn from each.
You know that the post from Bigger hurt me. It hurt quite deep. It hurt because I have never seen a post by Bigger where he was wrong. He puts so much wisdom, care and compassion into each of his posts. The hurt actually came from the fact that he was right. The raw animal hurt in my soul is demanding that I tie WW to a stake. That I personally strike the match and light the tinder under her. Bigger warned not to let the raw animal ever be given the power over my decisions. To do that would be wayward thinking. Only wayward thinking choses to do the wrong thing, choses to ignore the obvious destruction that is inevitable, when what is right it is so obvious. So after Bigger’s post I have made an extra effort to look out for the raw animal hurt and put additional barriers in place to try and make sure that it is never given control of my decisions. It is still there. I have not yet forgiven WW. It feels like I am still a million miles from ever being able to do that, but I have a sneaking suspicion that I am closer than I think.
With his guidance and that of so many others I have made every effort to put support in place. Have early warning systems and share openly my plans and outcomes so that you all can be my additional conscience.
In dealing with WW I recognised the nightmare of TT. I tried to counter this. I had the full settlement proposal so that for every question that I could anticipate there would be a clear, unequivocal answer. That the extent of the planning, and clear evidence of action taken, would show the extent of the resolve to D and not create false hope.
I have taken no pleasure in my WWs suffering and if I have framed any post in such a way please would you point this out to me so that I can edit and correct. In WW’s anguish of Friday evening there was no gloating, no, ah! At last you have some insight into what you have inflicted on me. There was herb tea, a gentle hand on shoulder, a hot shower and medication to help with sleep.
I freely admit that much of the feedback given to me by 2BF has been cathartic. Not the bits about what a good lover I used to be or that the A sex was not great. We all here know that that is utter BullS, it is often suggested in posts by WS that the sex in an A was the best ever and it is my personal belief that even in a successful R, that then lasts a lifetime, the WS can never give the BS, sexually, what they gave and got from the AP. That is one of the things that the BS accepts, forgives and moves on from. No, the cathartic bits were the filling in of some of the blanks about A1, getting further insight into WW’s personality and who the woman that I loved and married really was and recognising only now that there is brokenness. Yes, fixing the brokenness in her is not my burden but I do need to keep watch on effort and progress there, because of the potential effects it could have on the 2 most precious people in my life.
I take no pleasure in hearing about the seeming emotional melt down of WW. This has never has been my objective. I have tried, but clearly not been as successful as what I had hoped to be, in communicating how fully liberated and in control I have felt since making my decision after the “snog in the toilet” post. Admittedly, I did have the very bad day sometime after that, but you folk picked me up, helped me dust myself off and we are back on the road. There will be bad days ahead. Of that I am sure. But none of them will be because of my decision to D. That is certainly one of the better decisions that I have ever made in my life. SI helped me come to that point. I will always be indebted. I have been liberated from the emotional connection to WW. The emotional meltdown is a concern only as it might affect the children and until I am certain that she has recovered I will take extra care during the time that they spend with her.
There are a number of reasons that I post on SI. For me the most important is that I find it so therapeutic. The mechanical act of taking a thought and then putting it on paper helps me to structure, analyse and process it.
The second reason is that I get so much good advice and understanding.
The third is a very real hope that by sharing my experience I will be able to help others in the way that I have been helped by the willingness of some of the other brave souls in the SI community to share their personal stories. I know that each of us are different and different people’s posts will be experienced differently by every reader. In my early days as lurker, I was struggling, hurt, confused, directionless, not even attempting to think of a future. It was reading Neveragin’s thread and seeing the absolute calm under fire that brought me to the realisation that I wanted to be that person. That I could be that person. That I could make decisions on my life and my future. And I have! Forever indebted.
It was reading the post of a WW under the name Blitzkrieg that brought me to the understanding of why R was never going to be a possibility in our relationship. Reading Blitz’s anguish and concern for her H and the hurt that she would be inflicting on him, I realised that that was a critical requirement of a WS in R and that it was just not present in my WW.
If any aspect of my posting hurts you in your journey to healing please let me know and I will try and explain myself better so as to turn it around to be help rather than hinder.
On another concern raised, I am not doing the “pick me dance”. On D Day, I threw her out. Never sulked, begged or pleaded. It was her who came back having resigned, with the NC letter with the IC and MC appointments made. She was trying some form of pick me dance. I have never been a good dancer.
WRT OBS, we committed to support each other through the calls, until we get to the point where we no longer need them. I think that both of us are closer to that point than we realise. OBS has made a clear and informed decision. She has a phenomenal support system and is already actively planning a new future with DD.
WRT the informing of the employer, I notice that a number of folk have misunderstood the purpose and goal of that action. The sole original objective was to be able to inform OBS. If you read the early posts, I made every excuse in the book to try and weasel out of doing the right and honourable thing, but after being called out by the SI community, I had to recognise how much I would have appreciated it if OBS1 had shown me the same courtesy.
Of the consequences? WW now thanks me for requesting her to do it. Remember, I suggested, but it was she that did it, not under duress. She now recognises that if AP2 knew about it others might as well, and at some stage it would have come out, and she could have faced the career destruction that she has now been given indemnity for.
You will remember that at one time I revelled in the prospect of being able to inflict hurt on AP2 for what I saw him as having inflicted on me and my marriage. Even at the time, the rational side of my brain warned that there would be no joy in the outcome. There has not been. Through your coaxing and guiding I recognise that AP2 is just some, insignificant prop in the real life drama of the rape and murder of my marriage. It was my WW that produced, directed and took the leading role in it. It is all on her.
AP2 takes that responsibility in terms of his BS, DD and marriage. In all honesty, I reflect with great sadness on the thought that 13 000 kilometres away, there is a broken, 54 year old man who has lost his career, his wonderful wife, his precious daughter, his home and the respect of his family. Is that on me? No!
While I was a fence sitter on the question of should you tell the OBS about the A, recognising that I would have appreciated it if OBS 1 had told me, I am now on the team of tell, tell, tell! It is in fact your obligation to.
While I now believe, absolutely, that it is an obligation to inform the OBS so that they can make informed choices about their life, there is a current thread running in the WS forum where the WS’s are making the point very strongly, that for a wayward to heal and become a whole and healthy person it is imperative to disclose. As I read their thread, I hear them saying that, while I might feel awful for any part that I played in AP2 being where he is today, my call to OBS is very likely critical to him actually becoming a whole and healthy human being.
I recognise that each of us here in this forum are still dealing with the most awful hurt and grief. Each of us have vastly different personalities, our relationships were different and the nature of the As were different, but each of us are grieving the loss of the most wonderful person that we have ever known. I was reflecting over this past week. I recognised that if there had not been the early morning call, and if WW had climbed on the plane heading home, and I had been waiting at the airport when the announcement came that the plane had gone down, WW would still have been the same person, but I would have felt the most incredible grief. That would have been understandable and I would have allowed myself to grieve for that person. At some point I believed that my WW had been that wonderful person and somehow that person had died and a monster had grown up in her place. After processing this I was about to allow myself to begin to grieve for the loss of that precious person. I am now realising that WW was never that person. I am seeing more clearly every day that she has been selfish and self-centred through our entire relationship. I was so in love that I created a thin facade of who I wanted her to be. Now that the facade is torn away I did not want to allow myself to grieve because, how do you grieve over pure fiction? But the grief is still very real. Even if it was just my self-constructed facade, I loved deeply and it is lost forever. So I will grieve, deal with it and move forward.
Thanks for your patience, posting and for listening. But mostly, thanks for caring.
[This message edited by ohforanewme at 3:09 PM, July 4th (Tuesday)]
