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I wouldn't be negotiating on telling his wife. She deserves to know. Totally unfair for her to be in the dark about who she's married to. Tell her. Don't tell your wife you're doing it. She never consulted you before having an affair. And as for OM. Who cares what the consequences are for him? He should have thought about that before he ruined your marriage.

[This message edited by Sadielost at 1:47 PM, June 20th (Tuesday)]

Good job. Now take it one step further and inform his wife. When you do, don't tell your wife you are doing it.

Sorry, but if you don't expose the OM to their OBS, then you're screwing up big time.

I've seen it a hundred times before, as have many others. We are trying to help and you're refusing, then wondering why it's getting worse instead of better.

[This message edited by twisted at 4:43 PM, June 20th (Tuesday)]

All that you did was give that guy time to invent a backstory.

YOU NEED TO EXPOSE RIGHT NOW. Else you lose the power of exposure. Then there will be NOTHING to stop him from interfering in your marriage, or what is left of it.

expose to obs, dont tell ww, and see if she comes screaming at you for it (thus proving theybare still in contact).

im glad you stood up and made a move. despite what ww says ... dont trust her ... yet. actions over words. what she does over what she says. many times these affairs go underground.

so the trip was to have sex with him?

I grabbed her phone this morning got I the evidence I needed screenshot everything. Then I confronted her with the evidence and she is super pissed. However I asked her to stop contact with all parties or I would expose everything. She called him on speaker phone and they stopped all contact. He is shitting bricks that his wife will find out. I told him I had all the evidence I need to expose him and would expose him if he did not follow through with the no contact. She is waiting to call the man in Texas because he is at work. And she is going to get counseling. She does however still want space I'm living in her basement to stay out of her hair. She is not leaving town now because she admitted it was to go see him. I feel better about the whole fiasco because the truth is out. She still does not want a divorce. Just time to think. I also had her call and tell her mom what she had been doing because everyone thought I was being insecure. So know the affair has been exposed and I feel much better even though I don't know what the future will hold. Thanks for all the advice on here with out your support I don't think I would have followed through. I also got a job today so things are looking up.

OP,

You're starting to get it but you've got a ways to go. You're still making mistakes. For instance:

You don't make a deal with her not to expose. You just expose without telling her. If she doesn't like it; too bad.

You don't demand no contact from the OM, you demand it from your wife; not bargain for it.

If she wants space, fine, she sleeps downstairs in the basement, not YOU. And you make the determination for how long. A cheating wife doesn't get to ask for space.

She doesn't need time to think, YOU need time to think; about whether to consider R or divorce her.

Do not allow her to be the victim or to rug sweep by blame shifting. You don't accept any of that BS.

[This message edited by badmemory at 4:25 PM, June 20th (Tuesday)]

She is already blame shifting and saying shit like I'm insecure and won't allow her to have male friends. Yes she was going out of town to sleep with him. I have plenty of evidence to sink the OM. I will sleep on it. The only way I can contact OBS is at her work.

if it's just a friend then why was he so worried about exposure

She is already blame shifting and saying shit like I'm insecure and won't allow her to have male friends.

Ummm...she shouldn't have male friends, especially considering her behavior.

If she cant see this, she is not a candidate for R.

BTW...the wife and I went through this discussion in the early stages of our R, I told her it was her male "friend" or me, no compromise...we are still together and she doesn't talk to him anymore.

Yes she was going out of town to sleep with him.

Exactly why she shouldn't ever have male friends.

I have plenty of evidence to sink the OM. I will sleep on it. The only way I can contact OBS is at her work.

Definitely do this!

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 5:39 PM, June 20th (Tuesday)]

Please let the OBS know. I didn't after dday 1, and they took the affair underground for another 4 years.

Now I being completely stonewalled by my WW she says she hates my guts when there is communication she gives me dirty looks and rolls her eyes when she sees me and tells me to go away. I am going to let the OBS know screw it what do I have to lose. She has also been pouting all day. And when I came home she was texting somebody ninety miles a minute. She could have just been venting to her best friend IDK. I asked if it was the guy in Texas she said no. She sent him a text saying they needed to cut ties I read it but then i deleted the text and lost his number I grabbed her phone and blocked him on her Facebook but she could easily get his number back because he didn't respond before she deleted his number. I asked if he answered back she pouted back no you blocked him on Facebook and deleted his number. My question is is it normal for a WS to behave like she is? Oh yeah and the guy in Texas is single and has nothing to lose so how do you deal with that? I am actually pretty pissed at my wife and don't want to be around her either. She is behaving so shitty to me it literally makes me feel like she is ugly inside. She also said she refuses to talk to me about our predicament now or anytime soon.

Yes this is normal. Read up on the fog in the healing library.

Also, she is clearly not a suitable candidate for R right now. Take it from me, I was so much like you during the A period and believed wholeheartedly that my WH was R material even though everybody said he wasn't. He is only showing signs of R material right now, six months later.

You need to get firmer boundaries and she currently needs to go. You need to be willing to lose the marriage to save it. Honestly, I was just like you. Only now is he remorseful, and it only happened because after 5 months of that kind of shit I finally moved out. 3 weeks into the separation it finally clicked for him.

I am rooting for you. Read up on codependency in our I can Relate forum. You'll be shocked.

shes acting like this because she thinks she can bluff and bully her way to make you shut up and let her go back to the way she liked it - tiu strung along and having affairs.

this is one reason we kept suggesting shock and awe to you.

a problem is you already played some of your cards and played them very badly but you can still recover.

buy a voice activated recorder because i can see her easily playing the domestic violence card against you. if she does that and you dont have a var you can easily wind up oit of house or in jail. use the var in all dealings with her. seriously.

move her shit to the basement and tell her she can either stay there or go.

expose the affair to obs. wouldnt you want to know? dont warn, dont threaten, just do it. watch your ww flip out and reveal she is still in contact with them.

stop bargaining with ww. either she dies it or not. if she doesnt let her know you will re-evaluate your desire to remain in m with her.

expose to everyone that has influence with ww.

ww needs to go nc with everyone that knew if or enabled the affairs. they arent friends of the m.

no more trips, no more gno. you know what they were covers for now.

file for d. you can always stop fhe process later. dont tell, just do it. tell ww she has some time to convince you she wants to remain m and can be a safe partner. dont tell her how long. if she fails you will continue with process.

change her phone #, change email addresses, get her off fb and other social media. you get new pw. change pw on old accounts and you keep them. monitor all. keep an eye out for burner phone. make it impossible for om to contact her so any break in nc must come from her.

recover deleted text, etc from old phone. i bet you still only have tip of the iceberg discovered.

get a written timeline from her detailing affair details. tell her anything substantial not there is a lie and you will re-evaluate your desire to remain m if new details come out. tell her you will polygraph her.

tell her no more lies (including of omission), no more affairs, no more. its done.

tell her you want to stay m but refuse to share her. you want and deserve an honest m. you are prepared to do alot but she has to as well. you refuse to dance to her tune while shes been lying and betrying you and the family.

all of this is designed to

-end the affairs

-make her realize this is serious

-pierce this armor of justification and resentment shes built up towards you.

we have all seen this over and over. its not new. out advice has all been to avoid the pitfalls you are now in. please, listen to the advice. we are on your side and trying to help.

[This message edited by william at 12:22 AM, June 21st (Wednesday)]

A text that she was going to meet someone at a Motel from an unknown number. And a guy who was hitting on her on messenger. WW didn't respond in a way that I would consider crossing the line on her part.

WTF?

Dude, you're in denial.

Now I being completely stonewalled by my WW she says she hates my guts when there is communication she gives me dirty looks and rolls her eyes when she sees me and tells me to go away. I am going to let the OBS know screw it what do I have to lose. She has also been pouting all day. And when I came home she was texting somebody ninety miles a minute. She could have just been venting to her best friend IDK. I asked if it was the guy in Texas she said no. She sent him a text saying they needed to cut ties I read it but then i deleted the text and lost his number I grabbed her phone and blocked him on her Facebook but she could easily get his number back because he didn't respond before she deleted his number. I asked if he answered back she pouted back no you blocked him on Facebook and deleted his number. My question is is it normal for a WS to behave like she is? Oh yeah and the guy in Texas is single and has nothing to lose so how do you deal with that? I am actually pretty pissed at my wife and don't want to be around her either. She is behaving so shitty to me it literally makes me feel like she is ugly inside. She also said she refuses to talk to me about our predicament now or anytime soon.

...this will continue as long as you "allow" it. She will continue to walk all over you as long as you allow it. I'd stop engaging her completely and file for divorce if I was you. Start taking control buddy. Right now you are walking on eggshells to get a bite of a shit sandwich. No bueno buddy.

This will be my last post on the just found out thread then I will head over to the seperation/Divorce thread.

WW said is going to file after the 4th of July. At this point I have given up to a higher power. I caught her sexting a guy I've known for years he is friends with WW best friend' s H OM only lives about three blocks from us. I can't take the pain anymore. I got her to set up an appointment for counselingat least And she may be bluffing but she did go talk to a lawyer. I could really care less at this point as she made it clear she would not stop contact With this guy. He is a Satan worshiper by the way. As soon as I can find a place I am going to be moving out. I cannot stand to be here anymore. It is making me crazy. She told me I was watching the kids this up coming Wednesday and Saturday night. I refused and told her to find a babysitter if she wants to go out like a real single mom would because I will not condone her drinking and going out with other men. Naturally this made her livid. She tried to say that makes me a bad father and she wishes she would have been able to record that I refused to watch the kids so she could show her lawyer. WW was screaming all this in front of the our kids. So I decided to record her ass screaming at me saying that she hates me and doesn't love me at all anymore she said she doesn't want to make it work. The stuff leaving her mouth was extreme verbal abuse. She thinks she will be able to get full custody and I will only get visitation. She thinks she can have me evicted and that I won't get a dime from our house because it's only in her name. She doesn't even have a job. Anyway I'm done fighting for reconciliation at this point and if she gets to hasty with a divorce. I will never even consider having her back. Anyone have any advice on how I should proceed she is obviously looking for dirt to show her lawyer that I'm an unfit father which is hardly the case I don't want to completely take the kids from her but I don't want to get screwed out of seeing my kids more than once every other weekend. Thank you for listening to me vent.

You should file first. Put her on the defensive. Keep a VAR or GoPro on at all times to record her outbursts and prevent false domestic violence charges. This is very important when she is threatening sole custody. Go buy one from Best Buy tomorrow. Get to an attorney pronto and follow their advice. Use a joint credit card to do it.

File first. The person who does gets to talk to the judge first.

First impressions means a lot!

[This message edited by Wool94 at 5:55 AM, June 27th (Tuesday)]

Double post

[This message edited by Wool94 at 5:56 AM, June 27th (Tuesday)]

About showing your involvement as a parent, document everything and talk to your lawyer about this asap.