SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I woke from an unpleasant dream two nights ago. I suppose it was a nightmare of sorts - no ghosts or people chasing me around with butcher knives though.

In my dream my WW and I got the news that OM's wife had died (not true in reality). I know he has two sons, and both are out of college now and on their own. OM contacted my WW. He was free now, and they could finally be together. And my WW left me to go to him.

After waking, I realized that it was a dream and not real at all... but I wondered, if that ever happened, would WW run to him?

WW says all the right things - wants only me, has contempt for OM etc etc etc. But how do I know that for certain? There's no way. This is one of those subjects she can lie about and know for certain she will not get caught.

How do any of us know?

If your circumstance is that of a LTA (Long Term Affair) of at least a year...

If you're a BS reading this, if the AP were suddenly free, would your WS leave you for them?

If you're a WS (you get a harder question), how could you assure your BS that you wouldn't leave?

I had that unpleasant dream early on, but it hasn't happened in a while. During my wife's LTA neither of them ever talked about leaving each respective marriage, they went with a 'fun escape/friends with benefits' narrative instead. Also, part of it is how AP ended it in a harsh way - then suddenly contacted her two years later in hopes of starting up again. When he visited after their two year hiatus, it was the first and ONLY time she said no.

Since it was all a while ago before the confession of it all, all I found is he may have stalked her on LinkedIn some until about 7 years ago.

So -- the existential threat phase feels done.

But I had the unpleasant dream anyway.

Now to the 64 million dollar question, how do I know she wouldn't bolt if AP's spouse dies or divorces?

There is something new now. Among the things that have changed, is empathy. My wife didn't have much of that way back when. Some. But not a lot for me. She has great empathy for me know, super tuned in to me, my feelings, my...life. It sounds strange in a way. We had some substantive distance between us before and that's gone now.

The only guarantees we have in life are death and taxes, but I'm starting to believe this new found empathy means my wife is not looking to hurt me ever again. That's kind of what always kept me faithful -- I knew if I broke my vows it would hurt her.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 1:54 PM, May 23rd (Tuesday)]

I think this is a fear that many BS have. I would sum it up with.... we fear they really want them, not us. We don't feel very secure. The only thing that gives me security is God and seeing my H work hard on R. Empathy would make a big diddeeence as well.

I don't think my H would have left for her but who really knows. They mutually dumped each other as soon as it came to light. She wanted to protect her own M. There are kids involved as well. As the previous poster mentioned, I don't think they ever spoke of a future either.

Our WS has stripped us of our trust and feelings of security is all I know. We are early on so I don't have much perspective yet. The only thing I can say is that I think your feelings are very normal.

Also, I think that if he did leave me for OW, I wouldn't want him anyway. All she got was a cheater and a liar. .

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 2:56 PM, May 23rd (Tuesday)]

My WW's LTA was definitely a love affair. Letters, cards, gifts.. long walks on the beach.. imagine every romantic movie you've ever heard of, that was what they had. They even lived together at his house for a month while his wife and I were out of town.

According to WW, she caught on that it was all an act on his part - just to get, well you know. She raged at OM and at me - probably because she was more angry at herself.

Anyway, I found some of those love letters soon after Dday. What they had together seemed real enough to me.

So I really don't know what my WW would do if OM were suddenly free.

I know this may be strange but has anyone else wondered if they would actually be better together?

Sometimes I want to cut my H loose just because I think about this. Our M shouldn't be so hard. It shouldn't be so hard to be faithful to me.

At times I've thought that it would be a weird sort of justice for WW and OM to be married or together permanently. It's likely they would self destruct spectacularly.

On the other hand, they were obviously in love. Maybe WW is pretending to be someone she isn't when she's with me. So they could also be deliriously happy together.

My dream was troubling because I have invested so much of myself in reconciliation with her. To have that all turn out as a pretense on her part would cripple me.

In my situation things were the other way around---the OM was single and wanted me to leave. I chickened out when it came down to it.

I don't feel the need to reassure my husband of anything, but if I were to, the answer would be that I had chance after chance to be with the OM, both before D-day and after, and yet I'm not with him.

Share the dream with her. This is all about communication

I don't see the point in sharing the dream or all the misgivings and anxiety it brought me.

If I were to ask the question, there is no way to tell if she is truthful or not. So it's just a pointless waste of time.

WW knows I was upset and that I had a bad dream. She knows that I went to my emergency anxiety meds reserve the last couple of night. She seems upset about that, but hasn't asked about it.

So, there's no point. It's my problem to deal with.

small Update:

It turns out that my dream was prophetic. A few days after I posted this thread, WW received a message that a person from her old work group had passed on.

Her affair was with a coworker within the work group (not the one that died though).

There will be a get-together... a remembrance. My WW has mentioned it, but hasn't said anything about going or communicating with others from her old work group. I'm watching the situation carefully though.

Weird about the dream though. Maybe my spirit guide is looking out for me?

[This message edited by nightmare01 at 11:53 AM, May 30th (Tuesday)]

So if she goes to the memorial will you go along? What ap was a cow. There is not a chance in hell I would let him within 50 miles of a work group event of any kind without me.

In your dream were you upset or relieved she left?

Recently found out the WW's old boyfriend is in the middle of a very nasty divorce by the sounds of it.

I don't know if he got caught again, or his wife just had enough for some other reasons.

I did tell her to see if she had heard. She said she had not.

Her A was over 10 yrs ago. If she wants him, I'd help her pack. Oh, and he had a massive heart attack a couple of years ago, so he's got that going for him.

In my situation, I read every conversation they had for the 2 years it was going on. For the most part I wish I wouldn't have read any of it, but there are a few things I read that have helped. I have never worried about her wanting to leave me for him. He asked her to, and she lit him up and quit responding to his messages for 6 months (not that he didn't still send messages a few times per week begging) she told him several times that she had no interest other then sex from him, and that she only she only chose him because he was easy. Other then reading that, and a few other lines when he tried to get her to compare him to me, I wish I would have never read those, but at least from those few topics I got the assurance that she wasn't going to leave me for him.

To answer some questions:

JT16si:

IF she goes to the remembrance, I will NOT go with her. I won't try to stop her, and will refrain from letting her know my feelings, however my wishes are well known. I am not her jailer; she is completely free to make whatever choice she wants, that said however I am also completely free to make whatever choice I want - which will be to divorce her.

Notthevictim:

In my dream I was very upset, to the point that after waking I was in the dull drums for several days afterward.

twisted:

I have a similar POV. If she wants to go, I'll help her pack.

BigDumb3rdGrader:

My WW's LTA was very emotional. I am convinced she (at least believed) that she loved him. If she would rather be with OM nearly 16 years after Dday, I will be pissed about wasting those years, but will be glad to see her go.

So its a dream based on fear that she may be faking reconciliation and that you are her second choice?

Do any of us REALLY know that we are our WS first choice?

I'm speaking about long term affairs that were both emotional and physical. A relationship, not a fling. Where WS and AP spoke of a future together, or said things like 'I should have met you before BS'.

No, I guess I didn't. One of my wife's AP's she called her husband, and he called her his wife. That burned in my soul for a long time.

For me, over time, I guess I just stopped caring. Like a 'well, what the hell can I do about it now?' type stop caring.

Guess that doesn't help you much though. I wish I had better answers for ya.

Do any of us REALLY know that we are our WS first choice?

No, we don't.

However, it is a part of the life adventure. We never truly know much about anything and we make great leaps into the unknown. The same with love, we choose to be vulnerable, give it our all and hope for the best.

In our case, we trusted our gut with someone we love and we all got smoked. Burned to the ground.

And being the daredevils that we are, we got back up, brushed the dirt off and somehow decided to see what happens next. Getting myself back to vulnerable and trusting (not at the same level of course) again has been far tougher than anything else in life. But in order to get the relationship back to a level I want - loving and being loved, I got to roll all of the dice and again, hope for the best.

Over the last year, my wife has certainly done a better job of making me feel like her first draft pick off the board. I figure if we're going to keep going, I'll need to feel that vibe again next year too.

Nightmare, were we able to help some?