SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

After 17 years with the last three being rough, I found out about my wife's affair. Imagine my horror when it was discovered by my innocent comment as to why a neighbor woman wanted to friend me on Facebook.

She lied four times before coming clean to her seven month affair. I'm deveststed. Our kids sense something's off. I move from a fog to being empty to anger and rage. I think somedays I may have a nervous breakdown. My last year seems to be nothing but a lie. Our trip overseas where we reconnected. The past month where I really gave it my all. All a house of cards.

The irony is she says it meant nothing and loves me and always has. How is that even possible?

How long will this crushing pain and anguish last? Will I ever heal and recover from this?

It sucks. I found out after a period of what I thought was

a reconnection. It's like a double whammy. Other will be along with more advice, but check out the healing library in the box to left of screen. It's got some helpful stuff in it. You're not alone and you've come to the right place.

After 17 years with the last three being rough, I found out about my wife's affair. Imagine my horror when it was discovered by my innocent comment as to why a neighbor woman wanted to friend me on Facebook.

She lied four times before coming clean to her seven month affair. I'm deveststed. Our kids sense something's off. I move from a fog to being empty to anger and rage. I think somedays I may have a nervous breakdown. My last year seems to be nothing but a lie. Our trip overseas where we reconnected. The past month where I really gave it my all. All a house of cards.

The irony is she says it meant nothing and loves me and always has. How is that even possible?

How long will this crushing pain and anguish last? Will I ever heal and recover from this?

Brennan87,

Really sorry you are here but the good news is you are among friends.

The short answers to your questions are (1) the pain will eventually subside and (2) you will eventually heal and recover. How long this takes is up to you. If you take the right steps, you can minimize the time it takes.

The single most important thing you can do right now is start to get your emotions under control. Here's what you need to do:

1) Start to take care of your health. Get enough rest (if necessary, have your doctor prescribe a sleep aid). Eat nutritious foods; force yourself if you have to. Get into good physical shape; start hitting the gym regularly and, when you are in better shape, and find a competitive activity like basketball or tennis. This will not only improve your physical well-being, it will improve your mental well-being as well because it will increase your testosterone level. It will literally make you a better 'man.'

2) You need emotional support right now so spend time with family friends. Don't be afraid to share with them what has happened. They can help you regain your self-confidence. Also, spend time doing things for you, hobbies or other things that can take your mind off your problems and let your batteries recharge.

3) Don't make any decisions until you are feeling more confident. There is no hurry to decide whether to reconcile or not and you need to see how she responds, whether she demonstrates genuine remorse or not and if she is willing to do the hard work of helping you heal

4) Focus on being the best father you can be. Spend more time with your kids. Reassure them that things will be OK. You will be surprised how much strength you will gain from them.

5) Read "No More Mister Nice Guy!" by Robert Glover (you can download a free copy of it here: https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf) and "The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011" by Athol Kay (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004W0IRQ8?tag=viglink21103-20). They will explain the need for you to regain your emotional independence if you want to have a healthy relationship with a female (be it your WW or someone else) and help you make the necessary changes in your life to get you there.

6) There is also a lot of good information in The Healing Library on this site. Take advantage of it. Many men have been in the same situation you are in. Learn how they have dealt with this challenge.

7) Keep posting here. Use it as a place to vent and share your feelings. You will be amazed how carrying the people here are and how much they can help you.

8) Understand that this is not your fault no matter your WW says. Cheating was her decision. You did not cause it. It does not reflect badly on you. Instead, it means that there is something wrong with her.

9) Don't make any hasty decisions. Take your time and do things at your own pace. As you regain your emotional equilibrium, things will become clearer and you will figure out best course of action for you.

Unfortunately, the next few months will test you like you've never been tested before. But be confident. You can do this.

I hope this is helpful.

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:24 AM, March 22nd (Wednesday)]

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:25 AM, March 22nd (Wednesday)]

Definitely good info above!

Also, what has your WW done to help you heal?

STD test for you both?

Has she provided a complete timeline of the A?

Is she willing to take a polygraph to prove it accuracy?

Has she turned over access to all her electronics and passwords, without deleting everything first?

Is she accountable to you for her time, location, company kept, spending?

This is just the start, she has a long road ahead of her to make herself a safe partner again, don't let her off the hook without seeing these.

I would accept the FB friend request. This will help you get more info to work on.

The OBS can be your ally to keep the star-crossed cheaters in line.

Hi brennan. Welcome to SI.

I had a similar revelation where the other betrayed spouse discovered the affair first. In my case she started threatening my wife and my wife was forced to confess to me to avoid a scene on our front lawn.

Learning your wife has cheated for months is devastating. It actually takes a long time just to wrap your head around it and understand your emotions. You're basically going to go crazy for a while and that's ok. It's normal.

I agree with the other post that says get into counseling. This is major trauma and you will come to understand that in time.

Don't rush to forgive your wife. She may not deserve forgiveness. It's too early to tell now.

There is a book called "after the affair" that does a good job of describing what you will go through. It helped me understand that I wasn't going crazy. Another thing I did that helped was to let my boss know what I was going through. I'm very glad I did. I probably would have been fired if he didn't know my situation.

Take care of yourself. Your wife has been leading a double life and has been fully informed of her actions. She did not make a mistake. She made many decisions to betray you and lie to you so she could continue the affair. She didn't confess until she was caught and it would still be happening now. I'm not saying this to hurt you. Your wife is not your friend now. Don't look to her for support.

Read the healing library on the upper left of the screen.

Good luck. I'm sorry you're here.

What is it about 17 years?

I'm also in my 17th year of marriage and discovered my wife's affair about two weeks ago from a careless text and undefeated emails. Her's was primarily an EA and carried out long distance online, but it culminated and crashed and burned in a face to face meeting where reality did not measure up to the online fantasy. So I'm told.

What they say about health is true; I lost 10 lbs in the first four or five days and couldn't think straight from the lack of nourishment and sleep deprivation. And you need to think straight.

I also heard ".I've always loved you" and "I never checked out of the marriage." I believe that she really believes that; such is the power of compartmentalization.

Good luck to us all.

Did she end the affair? Is she still in contact with him? Who is he?

she says it meant nothing and loves me and always has. How is that even possible?

Yeah, I got that one, too. And I eventually reconciled. But I had all of her messages, so I know it wasn't true. And apparently this is commonly a part of the cheaters' delusions. I think it's partly she believes it, partly she is desperate to manipulate you to stay.

Many cheaters don't want to leave their marriages, just want something on the side. They get the stability and finances and nuclear family and real-life support from the loyal spouse and family/extended family, and they get the romance/sex/infatuation from their affair partner.

Also, frequently the affair partner is not viable for a real-life relationship, either already is married and isn't willing to get divorced, or has other bad qualities that would make them unacceptable to the cheater for a real-life relationship. But is OK for sneaking in secret, where no one really knows.

It's a long process and it's not up to you, she has to probably do more - ACTIONS, not words - for you to feel she is committed. Her ACTIONS so far was to have a 7-month secret emotional and sexual affair letting all of her affair partner the TRUE reality of her life while putting you as the outsider, the third wheel, who were kept in the dark. So mere words, and even huge actions, are not going to be enough for a very long time. In you conscious or subconscious, you wonder if she truly loves you, and she says she does, but the math just does not add up. 7-months of sex-I Love You's and subterfuge vs. sincerely telling you in the eye that she loves you. That little bit of words does not add up to the 7 months, so that is the dissonance.

Time and her consistent actions are the only thing that will eventually change your mind. A long time, and very consistent ACTIONS.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. My heart goes out to all of you who have experienced this heart wrenching event as well.

The A is over. I started to see a counselor several weeks before I found out as I thought I was going crazy. 😏

She is pursuing a counselor herself and we see a couples counselor tomorrow.

While refreshing I'm not alone; I'm totally lost. I too lost six pounds the first week. I'm eating again finally but just to sustain. I'm a runner so that allows me a bit of space but end up crying before I make it home.

My therapist recommended the after the affair and it shed so light on the damage I did to our marriage and her "rationale" for cheating. But to the point: just 20 days ago I was a horrible person to her and now she sees thegood and where she went wrong. How can sheflip that easily? Who is this woman? How could she change so much? I'm at a lose at are her feeling genuine or is it a matter of the life she loses? The big house, luxury car, exotic trips, expensive jewelry and not needing to work?

Ugh I can't handle this!

I pray for all of us.....

So she has no better options.

You can't really believe a proven liar, so you have to figure it out by other info available to you. What has she done in the past 20 days? Got tested for STDs? Ended contact with other man? Blocked him? Asked you what you want her to do and what she can do to help you?

Do you think she is an adult? During the affair, was she able to care for herself? Could she handle complicated huge machines like a car without smashing into things? Was she able to work? If so, then it seems she had full faculties to do exactly what she wanted, and she was able to do it.

To answer your question, how could she flip so quickly, unless she is mentally incompetent, which apparently she was not, she could not flip that quickly. That leaves the options of she lied to the affair partner or she is lying to you now for her benefit.

You seem hung up on what she is saying to you. That is a bad idea, because liars might be telling the truth, but they might be lying, too, and you can't know the difference. A good way to handle it is to ignore her words and just watch her actions. That can lie, too, but it is much tougher to keep it up. Talk is cheap. What has she done?

What is her “rationale” for cheating?

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:28 AM, March 22nd (Wednesday)]

A drunken one night stand means nothing other than a momentary lapse in judgement.

A 7 month affair is an emotional bond that she used to replace you with, that isn't "nothing".

I started to see a counselor several weeks before I found out as I thought I was going crazy. 😏

She is pursuing a counselor herself and we see a couples counselor tomorrow.

Couple counseling is for people who have decided to reconcile. If you have already made that decision, you have acted in haste.

Give yourself more time to measure her truthfulness and commitment to you. And, give her more time to live with the possibility that you may decide to divorce her. She needs that consequence if she is to learn the right lessons from her adultery.

Hello, Brennan. Welcome to SI.

You've just experienced a severe and profound trauma. The shock will take some time to wear off. How long that takes will vary, but it's going to be at least a few months. In the meantime, you're going to have to focus on your recovery.

Keep up the running and drink LOTS of water. Stay hydrated. The vast majority of betrayed spouses will lose weight, quickly, because we simply cannot eat. I lost about 30lbs in the first two or three months.

I'm glad to hear that you're already in IC. I hope, for your sake, your therapist is familiar with infidelity and understands how it can affect a betrayed spouse. I assume you're referring to "After the Affair," by Dr. Janis Spring. It's an excellent primer, required reading on the surviving infidelity's 101 reading list.

Your WW certainly needs to find a good therapist to help her understand why and how she could have had this affair. Whatever "rationale" she's telling you today is, perhaps, just scratching the surface. If there's any chance at all for the two of you can save your marriage, it starts with her digging deep and fixing her shit.

I would strongly advice against marriage or couples counseling at this point (I'm nearly two years out and only recently agreed to MC). The marriage had absolutely nothing to do with her choices, her decision to have an affair, to betray herself, you and your family, in such a base and self-destructive manner.

Do not let her blame you or the marriage for her choices. The only person she has to blame is herself.

Who is this woman?

Maya Angelou once wrote: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." Right now, your WW is showing you who she really is. Infidelity is the result of a life-time of habits and patterns of choosing. Whatever issues your WW has that lead her down that road have been with her, most likely, since she was a child, long before she ever met you. Trust me, man, FOO (family of origin) issues are the most common cause of infidelity.

It's going to take some time, I'd say, to find out whether your WW is willing to do the work it takes to become an authentic human being. Does she honestly love you and want your marriage, or is she hanging on because you're a meal-ticket? That best way to find out is to step-back, detach, watch and observe what she does.

Keep posting, Brennan. There are a lot of very wise people here.

Thanks all. This forum is definitely helping!

To answer:

Wkn55: yes we both have been tested and are clean. Thank god. She blocked his number, deleted her Facebook profile and messenger and if I ask about phone activity (text received) she readily shows me the phone. If she goes out she will text upon arrival etc. she is also skipping events as she knows it will put me in a spiral. She repeatedly asks what I need? When I start to go to the dark place, she catches it and willmake every effort to pull me out. She won't leave me alone in the evenings and has really cracked down on kids behavior. She's removed and ordered new furniture don't ask and has agreed to moving if I require it. If I get up at 2am (and we all know I am) she gets up and sits with me. Good point words can be hollow, it's the actions that matter. So I'd have to say the actions are there.

Bigger: which rationale? The first, second, third, etc. when busted it was denial he came on to her during chats and she shut it down. Then it was sexting only because he wouldn't take no for an answer.Then it was sexting because it made her feel wanted and attractive and desirable. Then it was sexting plus sex for same reasons but add she was curious about the sex he wanted. It's now ended with made her feel desired, wanted, etc and youthful it was exciting. She got to shed thegirlnext door image. Add: she felt unloved, unattractive. I was safe, stable ,stale a good boy. Who viewed her as the girl next door. Oops forgot one: she felt she lost me already coupled with caring for and watching her bff die the past ten years and losing her grandmother made her lost.

Dream dancer: I can't believe you've been on both ends. I can only imagine what youhave gone through. Thanks for the advice. Crazy questions to you. How do I know the actions are sincere and are appropriate?

Alchemy: agreed. I keep telling her shesdeluding herself.

Broken: that actually makes sense! Good advice. I've contacted a divorce attorney to verify/confirm my options. She is aware.

Unhinged. Yes! After the affair gave me some great insight.

As you pointed out: the book allowed me to see how I contributed to our failed marriage and what from her past drove her to this choice. She is very adamant not to blame me or the marriage for her choice and accepts accountability. I have even told her my anger is I had no choice in the matter on what would be the final nail in the marriage coffin. That was all her. Initially she did try and I shut that down real quick. I won't lie I do struggle with that thought. Had I not shut her out, increased my travel to escape, cut her off sexually, etc. would shehave made this choice and I say yes. Her father cheated (she was grown) and her parents split. She had a bad first marriage (hubby six months in said he loved someone else) and had a horrific experience in childhood. So I understand how these led to the choice she made it was a recipe for disaster but doesn't excuse or condone her decision.

I hadn't thought about the line blurring of marriage/affair and counseling.

How did you cope with all these conflicting emotions? I lost it last night and said a cruel comment.