SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Anyone else just feel a ton of resentment and anger at having to read all these books and do all these exercises to try to heal from this? Every time I open the books and start reading doing my portion of the exercises they want, I just find myself getting upset, angry, and resentful of my WW. SHE is the one who decided SHE wanted to have an affair, NOT ME.

I also am coming to the realization that there really wasn't anything bad happening in our marriage prior to the A. The only things she can tell me were her feelings of me not doing enough around the house, to her liking, and a feeling of loneliness (we figured this came from us not spending enough alone time together/playing together).

These just don't add up, in my head, to making someone be okay/wanting to cheat. Idk. I am just sick and tired of thinking about this whole thing every day. It's making me not even really like her anymore it feels like and if she is crabby or whatever (not ever about A) I just don't feel like I even care.

Is this all normal, or is my brain telling me something about whether to R or D?

What is your WW doing to address her issues? The marriage did not cause her to cheat.

She is in IC.

I know it didn't but the books keep bringing up issues that were going on in the marriage prior to A that could have potentially led to it.

I just finished a chapter that was asking what problems you perceived in the marriage prior to A and after, blah blah blah. All I could come up with was her issue with me not doing as many chores as she wanted and the whole not "playing" as much as we should have.

I totally understand this.

First: NOTHING about ANY marriage makes it okay to cheat. Cheating is not okay. Cheating has nothing to do with the marriage and everything to do with the cheaters involved and their need for outside validation.

Gently, you may not be ready to work on the marriage yet. You may need to focus on healing yourself from this betrayal and working through that absolutely justified anger first.

I feel resentment almost daily at this point (almost 4 months out). All of this emotional and physical pain, reading and all of the work I need to do, money and time on therapy (maybe we needed a little but not this much!), the vacation that was destroyed bc of her, the total consumption of my life. All because she couldn't talk to me about her deep feelings, or even just tell me our "friend" confessed she was in love with her.

Every damn thing I resent her for right now.

I have felt almost no anger, just sadness, but lately, every time I go to that book to do my reading and exercises, I just get SOOO MAD that I have to spend my free time and our free time together working on this. I really don't think we have issues with each other and the only reason I would need to speak to a counselor or therapist or whatever is because of HER!

I was a really happy, easygoing guy before all this. No reason to need any sort of therapy. UGH. I hate my new life...

Gently, you may not be ready to work on the marriage yet. You may need to focus on healing yourself from this betrayal and working through that absolutely justified anger first.

Maybe you're right. I haven't been going to IC or anything just the MC for a bit until we ran out of things to talk about. Are these the types of feelings that one goes to IC for? I can see it both ways. Idk if IC would help me work through them or just power through them myself?

[This message edited by desertmirage at 12:29 PM, February 2nd (Thursday)]

Totally this. Especially when I see her not even 1/4 occupied with it as I am. I get all teh pain, she got to have all the fun. I often ask myself if I am even doing her any servicce by working towards R.

But we don't need to do all this stuff. It's not the reading of books or going to this forum I resent, it the feelings that make me feel like I need to.

The first year or two (at least for me) is the hardest to get through. You are still by early in the process and may not fully know if the cheating was ultimately a deal breaker or not yet. The process and experience of reconciling is frustrating and infuriating.

I have followed your story from the beginning. My impression (and obviously I could be way wrong here) is that your wayward has had very few real or substantial consequences for her affair. You have had to do the heavier lifting and what work she has done seems easy and frankly only very superficial. Again... I might be wrong about this and totally misinterpreting your posts.

On the other hand... maybe, just maybe... you are starting to feel like you offered reconciliation too quickly and easily. I am a big believer in the concept of forgiveness that is easily given is little valued by both sides of the equation.

Not saying you can't reconcile. I am 5 years into reconciliation now. It was not a fun or easy journey. And, unlike you, I put very little effort into making it happen for a long time. My wayward did all the work early on - I was basically checked out. So you are at least on a path of working it from your end as well.

Reconciliation is hard. It sucks. It is not fun... and at the end of the day, it may not work. Only you can decide it ultimately it will work or not... It is a gamble. BUT if it does work it can be worth it.

First and foremost, nothing, NOTHING, is an excuse for infidelity. Nothing.

With that out of the way, let me point out a separate issue. Again, this is separate from the cheating. Claiming that your lack of "play time" is a minor issue is an understatement. A connection is the most important part of a relationship. Spending time together is huge. Make sure, if you move forward, that this becomes a priority for both of you.

I have followed your story from the beginning. My impression (and obviously I could be way wrong here) is that your wayward has had very few real or substantial consequences for her affair. You have had to do the heavier lifting and what work she has done seems easy and frankly only very superficial. Again... I might be wrong about this and totally misinterpreting your posts.

On the other hand... maybe, just maybe... you are starting to feel like you offered reconciliation too quickly and easily. I am a big believer in the concept of forgiveness that is easily given is little valued by both sides of the equation.

You are not wrong about the consequences. The only consequences have been having to deal with our marriage. She has been doing her share of the book stuff and is going to IC. Everything, including the book, I started. She has asked me what I need/want and I really, honestly don't know what to tell her, so I say she's doing what she's supposed to.

You are also correct about me thinking I started R too soon. Everyone said to wait and see and, while I thought I did, I really am not so sure now. She is going to IC to work on the "why" but I really don't see what the "why" could possibly be except for terrible boundaries and her just wanting to. You are also probably right about that which is easily gotten is not valued.

I am a kitchen designer and we used to offer free estimates. I stopped doing that and the clients who are willing to pay for their estimates value what I provide SOOO much more. It's a matter of valuing yourself and just giving forgiveness is certainly not valuing myself. I hope that isn't the case but only my wife would know.

Claiming that your lack of "play time" is a minor issue is an understatement. A connection is the most important part of a relationship. Spending time together is huge. Make sure, if you move forward, that this becomes a priority for both of you.

I don't view it as minor. It was actually one of the only things that REALLY registered with me from the books so far. We spend time together but it has always seemed to involve household chores, walking the dog, projects etc. All the other free time has been spent visiting friends and whatnot. We are making sure we are not booked multiple weekends in a row anymore so that we can spread out household chores more evenly and have time to do fun things together. I do feel closer with her when these are happening (more like when we first started dating) but I just don't know. I think I could have the same feelings with anyone.

[This message edited by desertmirage at 1:21 PM, February 2nd (Thursday)]

Yes, I understand. I feel the same.

Are these the types of feelings that one goes to IC for?

1000x yes. These and more. Resentment about the homework assignments is in fact resentment toward her. Resentment will kill your relationship and R.

DM, I think you've read NMMNG. Re read just to see if you exhibit any of the characteristics. The A killed the old marriage. The possibility of the new M making it depends on both of you retooling yourselves.

You retooled your business practices to eliminate tire kickers and bottom feeders, staking your professional reputation that people will pay for your expertise.

IC will help you retool yourself. So to use an admittedly poor analogy, RTA Ikea flat packs have inherent limitations, while custom hardwood plywood cabinet carcasses offer greater versatility. A retooled DM becomes more emotional versatile, able to heal faster and better.

I know you have said in the past that you didn't think you needed IC. You made a choice not to expose the A to the families. I'm not sure what other support you have IRL.

IC is the biggest gift you can give yourself. Entering into IC reflects the value you place on yourself.

Finally, when you go to MC with your homework you have to be able to say what it represents to you, especially the parts that connect the relationship issue to the A. You have to be able to say, "Just so you know, I take ownership of my share of the problems with the marriage, but I reject any notion that these caused WW to engage in the A"

Thanks Timeless. We stopped MC. Our MC didn't give us homework per se (mostly just to continue to be very open and honest). We don't have many, if any, issues as a couple so there was not much to talk about with the MC. We handle disagreements very well and neither of us gets too hot whenever we have them.

The book work is what we are doing on our own.

Yeah, I will try IC for a bit. I did read NMMNG, and it's probably a good thing to re-read. I'll do that too. I guess I agree that there are things I can work on with myself, but I am starting reject the notion that these things would have been an inherent problem with any relationship. I think I am and was a good husband to my wife. If her only gripe was that I didn't do the dishes quite as evenly as her, that seems like small peanuts.

I'm rambling, sorry. Just a shitty past few days and tonight is "date night" and we get to go over our latest chapter exercises together. So I'm really looking forward to that....

Feeling your pain on this one desert. Every time WH does something insensitive or violates my boundaries I ask myself why I'm spending so much time, effort and money on a man who would have sex with a prostitute then freely and fully admit there was nothing wrong with our relationship. I mean, what do I do with that? What do any of us BS's do with that heap of bullshit we have to dig our way out of? And for what? So that we get to live with someone who has the capacity to do that to us? What a prize! It's such a complete and total mind fuck.

And the only way out is to either leave or live with the person who put you in mind fuck-ville to begin with. I dunno, maybe time and healing will give me a different perspective but that's how I feel right now. In other words, I think you're completely normal.

FWIW, I offered R and forgiveness wayyyyyy too early and ended up just being pissed and resentful because it gave WH permission to drag his heels on doing what he needed to do.

BS's are dealing with individuals who gave themselves permission to cope with whatever bad feelings they were having by violating the marriage so ultimately, the only strategy that really works is making ourselves better. Either the WS follows suit or you have to walk away.

The limbo is agony but, unfortunately, inevitable.

Desertmirage - I feel the exact same way!! I've never read so many damn books about crap that just makes me angrier. I didn't realize some people had to learn what exclusivity means - like come on, really?? Don't share personal problems with people of the opposite sex - don't get physical with people who are not your partner sex - no shit Sherlock!!

I'm in IC right now - for the first time in my life - spending a shitload of money just trying to deal with the mindfuck infidelity does on a person. And I was a really emotionally stable person person before all of this!! I swear!

I love your comment ...'so looking forward to it'. That's how I feel about heading home from work everyday! Do I want to see him - do I want to talk - will I allow him to hug me.

I'm 2 months out from dday - it consumes so much of my brain.

When do I start to feel like me again?

I'm 4 months out and it feels like this. Idk when normal comes back. I need to get stronger though. I was relieved my WW didn't bring up the book or exercises so I didnt have to have the conversation about not wanting to do them now because resentment. This isn't good though, right? I should tell her how I am feeling?

I feel a great deal of resentment and anger each day. I'm 4.5 months out.

I'm feeling more resentment because WS discovered my SI account and Reddit handle. I used these tools to vent when we're having a bad day and now I'm reluctant to.

Those tools were critical in my stress management and self-care and now I don't feel like I have them anymore. I'm crushed.

So sorry, unsure. I really wouldn't care at all if my wife saw these posts. I don't think you should either. Reddit is super easy to make a throwaway with. Just keep posting and venting. It's better than blowing up on her, right?

1) What books are you reading and doing exercises from? There are very few books that help BSes because too many published writers have somehow stuffed BS into their brains.

2) If the exercises evoke anger, why do them?

3) Above all - above all - stop looking at yourself or your M for your W's reasons for cheating. She cheated because f her own issues, not because she has issues with you or with your M.

Your W's A was all about her. If she doesn't comprehend that and address her issues, she'll never be the partner you deserve.

4) IC is, IMO, useful when you want help changing something in your life. You've posted that you feel resentment and you don't like feel that way. That's something a decent IC can help you change.

5) You probably made some mistakes since d-day. At worst, they slowed down your healing - but maybe they didn't even do that.

If you want to change what you're doing, you can do that. If you want your W to change, you can ask her to make the changes you desire. There's nothing wrong with changing what doesn't work.

Desertmirage: someone told me early on that our spouses have given us a full time job that we didn't want or ask for. There's no other way to see it.

Sanaman: Any tips and tricks for how you have made it to R?