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Spouses with Same Gender APs

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Makesmewannapuke posted 2/7/2018 15:39 PM

So this isn't a very active topic but I'm hoping someone is out here!!

Posted my story to JFO but left out specifics. Found out on Jan 2 that my WH had been cheating on me with a man since July. I knew he was bi-we had that discussion when we first (technically second) got together 11 years ago. We've been friends since we were 12 and even dated in high school. I'd actually heard the rumors that he was gay when we were in our early 20s. I'm super open and have had a lot of different experiences myself so I didn't give it much thought. I asked him if he would be comfortable being solely with a woman (basic monogamy) and if I was enough for him. He said he loved me, he wanted me, and I was enough. I believed him and that was good enough for me so we moved forward in our relationship. Fast forward 3 years into marriage and sex starts waning. Not from me but from him. I ask him about it. I offer all kinds of crazy stuff but nothing. Sex goes from bad to worse to non-existant. I beg. I plead. Nothing. He completely shut me off. He basically told me he was asexual. Didn't want sex with me or anyone. Or anything. Just no sex. Made me feel like a crazy rapist or something so I told myself that everything else about our relationship was great so should I really be so hung up on something like sex??? (YES!) But I told myself no and worked to make our sexless marriage the best it could be. Fast forward to now and here we are. We didn't have sex for SIX YEARS. SIX YEARS you guys!! And I find out he's been getting pounded by his boyfriend for the past 6 months??? Are you kidding me?!? Total and complete mindfuck. I guess it doesn't even matter that it was a dude. I mean, cheating is cheating is cheating.

Anyway, of course he's sorry. He feels terrible for hurting me. Blah, blah, blah. He wants to R. So much. I want to R. Sometimes. Sometimes I don't know if it's worth it. I'm not a man and I don't have the same equipment a man has so I can never make him feel the way his POSOM did. Or any man for that matter!! I've offered strap-ons but he told me "that's not what you're for". What I'm for???? WTF?!? Am I just a cover??? I gave him 2 children so maybe I'm just a baby making machine??

I've asked a million questions. Mostly just trying to figure out where I stand and what my chances are. He still claims he's 100% bi and likes men and women completely equally but I just don't know if I buy all that. Really? He claims he loves me so much and wants to be with me forever and grow old together and he will do everything to prove it to me. But......he said basically the same thing 11 years ago when we got together (10 married) and here we are. Do I let him work to prove it? What happens when 1, 2, 4, 6 years down the road sex stops again? What happens when he decides he wants to be with a man but I'm not cool with that? To me, marriage is sacred and our vows to forsake all others meant something to me. Thoughts?

cypress posted 2/9/2018 00:33 AM

I wish I had answers for you. We've been married 24 years, in Aug. he admitted he has a porn addiction. I never suspected anything. In November, I kept asking questions, thinking he was going to say he had been with a prostitute, he tells me he has had anonymous sex 4 times with 4 different men at gay bath houses. He is in therapy. I am still wrapping my head around it.

I'm so glad I found this forum. I thought I was the only one who was dealing with this.

I love your user name Makesme--I feel the same

Makesmewannapuke posted 2/12/2018 08:06 AM

Oh cypress, I’m so sorry you’re here. So thankful you responded though! You’re definitely not alone but we are the minority in this world of infidelity.

Glad to hear he’s in IC. What are you doing for you? We’ve been dealt a double whammy; not only cheating but also the fact our spouse changed the “expected” narrative of sexual intimacy shared between husband and wife. I’m sure you’re going through a lot personally so I want to remind you not to neglect you!

I’m also still trying to wrap my head around everything. We’ve experienced trauma and the aftermath is no joke. I’ve never experienced pain, sadness, and anger as deep and as dark and as all encompassing as this is.

Hugs and strength to you!

cypress posted 2/15/2018 22:05 PM

Sorry I didn't reply sooner, Makesme--I just saw your post. I'm just dealing with it the best way I can. He will be taking a polygraph soon, then disclosure, then a betrayal trauma therapist for me, then maybe I will be able to wrap my mind around what he did. For now, I try to exercise and have alone time. How about you?

sisoon posted 2/16/2018 15:02 PM

Makes, I'm sorry you experienced this.

For me, the question was whether my W was bi and willing to be monogamous again or gay. I could R with a monogamous bi woman; if she were gay, though, I'd want to end the M.

W said she liked sex with me much better than sex with ow, so she didn't think she was gay. 7 years later, she now shows great interest in sex.

What you report sounds different. You sound interested in sex with him; he doesn't seem to reciprocate. I think if my W had been like that back in 2011, I would have ended the M.

But that's me. What are you thinking? What are you doing to recover from being betrayed?

BTW, no one on SI seems to have raised a brow at the gender of my W's ap. If some have done so, they've kept it to themselves.

Also, I found my problems to be essentially the same as other BSes', so I got a lot of comfort and insight from the main forums.

I chuckle, though, when people post about their WSes not being permitted to have opposite-sex friends. That sure didn't protect me. Or you.

Remember there's nothing you did to cause the A. Your WS has 100% of the responsibility for the A - and for choosing the ap.

Makesmewannapuke posted 2/20/2018 12:34 PM

cypress - Hope all went and/or is going well with your plan! Exercise and time alone sound great for taking care of you! I'm doing a lot of reading; affair books, self-help feel better books, and right here on SI. Also journaling and voice texting myself. Sounds weird but I've got a lot of stuff bouncing around in the noggin and it helps so much to get it out. I'm also in IC and we're in MC. Both extremely beneficial at this point.

sisoon - I too am questioning whether he's bi and can commit to monogamy or whether he's gay. He claims it's the first but I'm going to need some proof.

Interestingly enough, we are in a weird state of some serious HB. I know it sounds so crazy but miraculously, he can't get enough of me. NOTHING for 6 years but now I turn him on. He loves touching me, being with me, etc. etc. etc. While enjoyable, I'm patiently waiting and watching this current state of intimacy. We'll see how long this lasts and I believe that will be the answer to my question.

Ultimately, I believe he probably has some deep issues that he doesn't understand and/or hasn't shared with me. The sex timeline in our relationship just doesn't add up to anything else.

I am working on me to recover. Working to feel better about myself and never to doubt that his A was 100% him. No matter how much I tell myself that, it sometimes creeps in that I just wasn't good enough. Gotta get that creeping to stop...

I agree that the main forums are great for most everything! I've been utilizing them. A BS is a BS no matter who, what or why.

And yeah, what do I do with friendships? I guess WH just doesn't get to have any friends now.....

sisoon posted 2/20/2018 13:43 PM

W said she enjoyed sex with me, and she thought she wouldn't if she were gay. That makes sense.

But we never had a period of no sex, except a few caused by health reasons (just after surgery, infections, for examples).

I'd be concerned that your H may have gone to HB because he fears he's gay. Time will tell, if he's honest with himself.

Is he in therapy with a good therapist?

Makesmewannapuke posted 2/20/2018 15:30 PM

I'm concerned about that too. He knows he's in the hot seat and what better way to placate me than to give me the thing that I've wanted for years??

Unfortunately, he's not in therapy by himself. We are in MC together and our therapist seems very intent on figuring out his 'whys'. Not just why cheating but why no sex with your wife for six years. So I'm also patiently waiting the MC process out. It's a lot to put on one therapist - fix him and fix us! but she seems up to the challenge....

DogsnBooks posted 4/2/2018 08:20 AM

Not a very active thread here, but I am sorta in the same boat.

I found out 3 months ago that my WH had been engaging in webcam sex with various other men (stranger) via a gay sex app for a period of around 9 months, beginning before we even got married. He insists that there was never an in-person interaction, but this is cheating to me all the same and I feel deeply betrayed and confused.

I had no idea before this that he was even bi-sexual/-curious at all. I don’t know how to navigate this. He insists that he prefers women (a 75%, 25% split in his words), that he could never actually see himself being with a man, that he would never leave me for someone else.

I call bull. Maybe it was “just” cyber sex, but he already HAS pursued men, he HAS “been with” men and specifically sought them out.

I don’t think he is closeted gay, because he is still attracted to women/me. But I do think that he has been repressing and denying this part of himself for so long that he doesn’t really know where he stands.

I’m not sure if it feels better or worse that the infidelity was same-sex. Personally I try to be very LGBTQ supportive, so it’s a wrestling match within myself for this - like I can’t even be that mad at him because of his repressed sexuality. Like I should let him explore his options and not force him otherwise.

But it’s cheating nonetheless. And regardless of whatever his sexual orientation ends up being, we agreed on monogamy and he went outside of that.

Today is my 2 year wedding anniversary. Extra triggering. Doesn’t quite seem like anything to celebrate.

sisoon posted 4/2/2018 10:10 AM

Unfortunately, I have to run, but I do want to say that I think you're on the right track.

DogsnBooks posted 4/2/2018 13:07 PM

Well lucky me, almost as soon as I posted that, I got more Trickle Down.

Turns out he did webcamming with other women too, not just men. Somehow that does feel a little worse - I can’t “explain it away” that he was exploring his sexuality, trying out his curiosities, etc. That’s just regular old cheating, plain and simple.

Makesmewannapuke posted 4/4/2018 11:32 AM

Hey DogsnBooks,

I'm so sorry that you've found yourself here but also glad you're here so you know you're not alone!

It's all regular old plain and simple cheating, no matter what.

But it’s cheating nonetheless. And regardless of whatever his sexual orientation ends up being, we agreed on monogamy and he went outside of that.
This is probably the most important thing you need to remember. What someone likes - man, woman, Easter Bunny - is irrelevant. What matters is commitment and a promise to be monogamous and he broke that. That's the first hurdle you'll have to deal with.

I’m not sure if it feels better or worse that the infidelity was same-sex. Personally I try to be very LGBTQ supportive, so it’s a wrestling match within myself for this - like I can’t even be that mad at him because of his repressed sexuality. Like I should let him explore his options and not force him otherwise.
Now this part isn't so easy. Our situations are different but bottom line, sexuality is a big deal. No matter what someone is on the LGBTQ+ scale, it's a big deal and it matters. A LOT. What we want to be and what we are and what we share with others can all be very different. And if it's all different, eventually it's going to cause problems. I realize sexuality is fluid and what we like today we might not like tomorrow but when we talk fundamentals...like what a person needs sexually, fundamentally, I don't think that's so fluid. And it doesn't go away. Some people probably repress certain things their whole lives but I think for most people, that stuff comes out whether we want it to or not. Your last post references the fact he webcammed with women too but I just want to make sure you don't rugsweep the sexuality thing. As consenting adults that have open and honest discussions about sexuality, nothing is bad or wrong. But when we lie to others or worse, ourselves, about sexuality, then things get messed up fast.

Hmmm...quite the ramble. Hopefully that made sense? I guess I'm just saying that he needs to do some serious work on himself to figure out what he needs/wants/etc. Please make sure this happens so nothing catches you off guard down the road. If you decide to go down the road with him.

sisoon posted 4/4/2018 18:50 PM

...I can’t even be that mad at him because of his repressed sexuality.

Go back to the start: he committed to monogamy and violated that commitment.

Besides, anger just means something is happening that you don't like. It seems entirely healthy in your case. I expect anyone, of any sexual orientation, would be angry to be betrayed, especially by someone who committed to them.

Bella5 posted 4/8/2018 14:28 PM

I posted this in Introductions but wanted to repost it here after I saw this topic. I am SO GRATEFUL to have found this...I thought that I was all alone!

Hi, I don't even know what to write I think that I am in complete denial. While my husband was away on business I checked his email because I was suspicious about his behavior. I found a correspondence from a Craigslist post from someone in the same city that his conference was in. I opened it and read it. I was shocked! Not only had my husband planned a hookup, but it was with another MAN! I am frozen in pain and don't know what to do. Cheating on me is one thing but cheating with the same sex, how do I come back from that. We have been married for 30+ years and have two grown children. I am truly at a loss! I almost feel like having an affair myself. So confused!

sisoon posted 4/8/2018 16:34 PM

Welcome, Bella5.

In some sense, the gender of the ap (affair partner) is irrelevant - cheating is cheating. My bet is that you'd feel pretty awful if you found your H cheated with a woman.

In another sense, it is at least potentially relevant. That is, if your h is gay, he probably doesn't enjoy sex with you, and it's hard to put an M back together when one partner is straight and the other gay.

If your H does enjoy sex with you, then the question could become: will he agree to monogamy?

More important: do you care?

It's OK to throw up your hands, say this is a deal killer, and go directly to D. You're under no obligation to offer R.

You sound like R is a possibility for you. R is eminently possible if you know what you want, if your H agrees, and if you are both willing to do the work.

WRT SI, my experience was that my concerns were the same as those of any BS in R, so I recommend spending time in the G(eneral) and R(econciliation) forums.

Since there's no one IRL you want to share this with, I recommend looking for a good IC, who will be able to help you process your feelings and figure out what you want.

Keep this in mind - you can survive this and thrive, with or without your H. I know you may question that right now, but it's true. You can process your feelings and make good decisions for yourself.

Don't get me wrong. This is a catastrophe for most of us. But human beings know how to heal....

Bella5 posted 4/8/2018 17:29 PM

Thank you, sisoon, I believe I am truly in shock at the moment. So many things going through my mind. What a HUGE change it will be for all our lives with a divorce. What he has done has set something in motion...I don't think that he understands the magnitude of his decision. At first I felt like, well if he's gay/bi then he must have been suffering not being able to live an authentic life. But then I started thinking, that didn't mean he needed to cheat, he knows the kind of person I am, he could have told me anything and I never would turn my back on him. But now, IDK. I'm just really sad right now.

[This message edited by Bella5 at 5:31 PM, April 8th (Sunday)]

sisoon posted 4/9/2018 13:32 PM

Shock at this point makes sense to me. I think I was in shock for 3 months. Also, grief was my main feeling for 2-3 years. I certainly cycled through anger, fear, and shame, but I was mainly sad - for so many years we had a storybook M, and then it was gone. It's a big loss. Big loss = big sadness.

It's hard to predict the magnitude of the impact of an A. Before d-day, I thought it would take just a few weeks to get past being betrayed. Go figure.

DogsnBooks posted 4/9/2018 16:59 PM

Thanks sisoon and makesmewannapuke.

3 months past D Day and I think the shock is finally starting to wear off for me - unfortunately all that’s underneath is anger and sadness and a whole lot of “is it even worth trying”s.

I have told him that he really needs to dig deep and work in this part of himself in IC, he needs to figure out for real who he is and what he wants. But it feels like he is just brushing past it. He says, “Well I have thought about it and I have talked about it in counseling, and I know I prefer women and I wouldn’t be with a man.” But it just seems like he’s brushing past it all and is desperate to “fix” things with me. I don’t think talking about something a few times in therapy means it’s somehow perfectly resolved all of a sudden. It seems tied up too neat and tidy and quickly to be reality.

On the other hand, he has come to a bit of a realization that he may actually have porn addiction/some level of sex addiction. As he says, he was just after the “act” the whole time, and it didn’t matter who with, he wasn’t specifically seeking men or women. I don’t know if I believe that, although porn addiction does make a lot of sense to me.

As if we needed another layer to navigate in this shit storm ...

[This message edited by DogsnBooks at 5:00 PM, April 9th (Monday)]

OneInTheSame posted 4/9/2018 17:26 PM

I check in here infrequently, because I rarely find my situation being talked about. And without a search feature, there is too much to wade through!

My spouse cheated with a same gender AP. However, in our case, cheating with a man (we are lesbians) would have been as shocking and difficult as most of the members experience who do post here! To make matters worse, her OW was her ex-gf. In the lesbian world there is a lot of literature and discussion over keeping exes as friends, and what the relationships with exes can look like. I was newly out when we entered a committed relationship, and I made myself perfectly clear . . . the ex is off limits. Some women may be able to mange exes as friends, but her ex was toxic and tried to interfere from the beginning. this is why, after a fairly quiet 12-15 years, I was shocked that my wife wanted anything at all to do with her ex!

I can understand that if your life does not contain much contact with same sex couples or LGBT folks, finding your spouse in an affair with someone of their sex would come as a sickening shock. but rest assured, I could not have been more shocked when I learned that I had unwillingly shared six months of my life with my wife's horrible, no-good, toxic ex-gf. It had less to do with the sex part than the entanglements. I am sure this is part of the reason it is difficult for most of you: you are not doubt wondering if there is much more meaning to the affair than just cheating. The implications might go beyond the simple stepping out for some on the side when all of your taboos are broken. So in that, I understand.

My hope is that you can find some peace in your painful journey. I know i am still seeking that, as the LGBT population is pretty tight and can be "socially incestuous," as there are limited combinations of partners in any locality available for relationships.

I once was with my wife at dinner with OW's sister and her partner (this was before the affair) and the OW called her sister in the midst of our visit. When she learned they were dining with us (we had just gotten married) she asked her sister to "Tell my ______ to call me." My wife and I share first names, so OW was, in effect, still referring to my wife as hers!

Gr-r-r-r! Hands off!

So I do know a little of how you feel finding out something you never in a million imagined.

Bella5 posted 4/9/2018 17:27 PM

sisoon...From the outside we had a storybook marriage as well, unbelievable! And now I sit here and think how this SameGenderA is going to break apart everyone. How do you come back from a 35 year marriage all the while your husband is gay? What about our adult children? Our friends? Our family? WTF?! And I didn't do this yet will have to pick up all the pieces!

I keep thinking that he must have been in pain living this lie and then I get angry and think even so, he cheated! He made a committment to me! He broke his vows. I can't get out of my head to have a revenge affair. IDK what to think anymore.

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