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Spouses with Same Gender APs

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Lovingmyselfmore posted 6/3/2017 17:14 PM

It's like one last twist of the knife to find out about same gender infidelity.

Yes, I agree 100% with this.

It's terrible.

But you can heal. I am finally feeling healed and ready to move on with my life with happiness and I am actually excited about my future.

I feel attracted to a man who is gorgeous. He is younger than me and probably nothing will happen between us but this is a signal that I am a heading towards a more brilliant future or at least that is what I feel right now.

I am happy that my ex cheated on me because now I can be free to explore my potential and I would have never been able to explore it with that dead weigh on my back

He was jealous of me. Now I know it.

I am happy, happy, happy that he cheated on me and that I found out.

It has been 3 years and I can't imagine my life by his side.

I don't know why I thought I was happy with him he is the most depressive person I know.

I hope all of you are heading towards a happier and brighter future, with or without the WS.

((((((to all)))))

shellofme posted 6/5/2017 15:55 PM

Thanks for your response.

I'm sorry you have to be here.. . Not only do we have to process the infidelity itself, but then to throw this in too, it's hard.
Yes, I've learned that there are factors that make it harder (discovery by investigating, rather than confession, same gender AP, having read all the communications, knowing the dates encounters occurred, betrayals occurring during special dates, betrayals occurring when a BS was in extra need of care from the WS, TT, etc. . . ) for the BS to heal.

Each betrayal my WS committed hurts for different reasons, some of those reasons overlap, and some are unique. The same gender AP is unique alright. I can't grow that part! I've struggled with believing my WS that this is something he doesn't need, or want, to repeat. Some days it feels like it hurt more than his other betrayals, but other days it doesn't hurt me as much as the sex he had with the 2 female APs. Maybe that's because he 'only' had oral sex with the man AP, or because I KNOW I can't compete with a part I can't grow. I felt less personally threatened than I did when thinking of the sex he had with the 2 women APs. I don't know. As I've read others say, the betrayal that hurts the worst is the one that happened to you. It's just helpful to have support from people that understand.
Lovingmyselfmore: It was wonderful to read your post about being so happy.

Heartbr0ken64 posted 6/9/2017 14:14 PM

Just posted my story in JFO. Thank God I am not the only one, although to think of others dealing with this breaks my heart even more.

BallofPain posted 6/12/2017 01:39 AM

Sorry for the late response (and being barely active)

HB64, I just read your story on the JFO section. You're among comrades here. It really is devastating, what we're going through. Only advice I can give is take care of yourself and don't feel obligated to rush into any decision. Have you told your family?

I noticed you are thinking about R. It is possible. There are a couple of people on here who have managed it successfully. But, keep in mind it is a very tough road. It takes a lot of time and heartache. You ask yourself is the reward worth it?

Take care of yourself. That is the most important thing. In that I mean eat whatever or whenever you can. Sleep is a tough one. I relied on a meditation app and essential oils for that one. It's quite common for people suffering from this kind of blow to need sleeping pills.

The best advice I got was finding a counsellor. It was hard on the wallet, but I don't think I would have been ok without mine.

Best of luck to you, HB64.

HowIsThisReal posted 6/13/2017 19:11 PM

Sorry you are here, Heartbr0ken64.

I am one of the ones who offered R after intense questioning of his sexuality, him going to counseling so he could figure out his sexuality, and continued counseling to figure out what was so broken within him.

It's been almost 2 years and it's been HARD. My H has been the picture of remorse this whole time, and we are getting to have more good days than bad.

It's possible to R, as proven to us by Sisoon. My H and I aren't quite R'd yet but I hope to get there someday.

[This message edited by HowIsThisReal at 7:27 PM, June 13th (Tuesday)]

AprilFoolsDDAY posted 7/29/2017 04:31 AM

I'm 3 + years from DDay of an EA that I caught probably days before it went physical.

Three years later and we are in a good place with the R. But it's still with me. Not always noticeable, but present like a physical scar. You see it every day. Most days you don't notice it, but others you sit and look.

We went through a year and a half of counseling, both MC and IC. She determined she was bi or at least bi-curious.

So there are times as I said above that I wonder. if she has this "itch" will she ever try to scratch it (poor metaphor)?

Probably every couple of weeks I check her phone, iPad and phone records. Nothing has come up in 3 years, but I still do it.

The truth is, we're in a pretty good place and have done a lot of work, but I guess the doubt will always be there.

Is anyone where I am? Trust is a weird thing. Logically I don't think she'll ever do anything like that again. But emotionally I don't think I will let go of the suspicion.

It's almost a habit now - checking her stuff.

Does this make sense?

sisoon posted 7/29/2017 11:11 AM

I hate to see you waste your energy like that.

Have you talked about your fear with your W? What have you asked? What has she answered?

For me, the issue isn't my W's orientation; it's whether or not she commits to monogamy. (She did and does, and after years of R, I'm confident she won't break her commitment.) Would that satisfy you? If not, what assurances do you need?

PollyA posted 7/29/2017 20:52 PM

My 4 year DDay anniversary is 8/02.

I wish I could say I'm doing well. I'm not.

My husband cheated with same sex partners online for 8 years. He started after 3 years of marriage. Funny thing is, it's not about the same sex. It's about I just don't believe he can be a good partner to me.

Yet here I sit. Ugh.

How is it that I've let 4 unhappy years pass? I wish he'd go away. He won't leave the house.

HowIsThisReal posted 7/30/2017 00:15 AM

I'm sorry you're struggling PollyA.

Is there a way that you can leave?

monika posted 7/30/2017 00:49 AM

AprilFoolsDDAY I totally understand. I AM 16 months out And I knows exactly what's you mean writing about wondering about thre itch, will he ever scratch IT against...
My husband is bisexual. He commited back to monogramy, he does not give me any reason to be worried, he is a model remorseful husband. But I AM still checking him. I wondering if trust ever returns...
Test, IT is the waste od energy. I agree with sisoon. But I cant help stop thinking in this way.

[This message edited by monika at 12:54 AM, July 30th (Sunday)]

sisoon posted 7/30/2017 10:32 AM


Compare my start date to yours. At 16 months I wouldn't have bet a lot that we would R, even though it was going well. It's just too short a time to build confidence. Patience, Monika, patience. I know that is very satisfying, but it's the best I can do....


AprilFoolsDDAY posted 8/5/2017 13:09 PM

Thanks for the replies.
I have talked to WW about the itch, and she is adamant that she is committed to us. And logically I believe her.

I guess my emotional doubt comes from 2 places. The first is the trauma of being betrayed that everyone here has dealt with.

The second is related to the same sex affair. It does put a different doubt on things. I know we are very good sexually, and relate well emotionally. Yet, I wonder, if she wonders, if it would be better for her with a woman.

As I mentioned, these are just my doubts/paranoid thoughts. I guess it is something I have to live with.

Dazed1979 posted 8/25/2017 16:33 PM

Hope I'm posting in the right section. So I'm new here. I'm engaged to be married this fall. I have been dating my fiancé for 2 years. He has been great, the best guy I have ever been with and he treats me awesome. Everything has been pretty perfect but I have trust issues due to past relationships, where there has been cheating and physical and mental abuse. My fiancé has been like a breath of fresh air compared to the rest.

A couple months ago, we had an amazing night together so I'm not sure why I did this. He fell asleep, I was bored and we were using his phone to cast music onto our tv to listen to all night. I looked at his phone to change the music and yes, I was bored and curious and decided to look thru his phone. Now I have never done this before. I trusted him. I had no reason not to. But my curiousity got the best of me. I know. Stupid. I should have never done it. But I did. And what I found floored me. I looked thru his text messages, just a few. Just the ones that were unsaved numbers. There were quite a few of them but 2 of them were from guys where he was exchanging dick pics and talking about meeting up. One was from Nov. of 2015, about 4 months after we started dating and the other one was about 3 months ago. It looks like they talked about meeting up on both of them but it never happened because the conversation just stopped. These were two different numbers by the way, different people. So I freaked out and woke him up and called him a jackass and asked about him cheating on me with guys. He was out of it and asking what the hell I was talking about and took the phone out of my hand and wouldn't give it back. He finally somewhat woke up and told me it was guys he met off craigslist but he never met up with them and never would. He seems to think that since they never met up, that he wasn't cheating on me. He said it was stupid and he was embarrassed and that he was watching porn and one thing led to the next, that he was sick of fake girls, wanted to talk to a live person so went to the internet to talk to guys but he swears he never met up with any guys. Ever.

I'm floored, I'm hurt, I'm confused and shocked. WTH?! I mean the one 3 month ago, he lives with me! It was in the same house as me at 3 in the morning and he was sending dick pics to some guy!
He swears he loves me, thinks I'm the best person he has ever met and wants to marry me. I mentioned counseling and without hesitation, he said he would go.

I asked him if he was bi and he swears he isn't. He said it was just a weird porn thing and that I'm all he needs. We have sex pretty often and it is passionate and he is always looking at me and into my eyes so I never would have thought there was a problem. He gets hard just looking at my breasts so I know he likes women. Could he be bi though? Or could this just be some weird fantasy that he would never act on? I don't know what to think. I have thought about being with girls, I have been with 2 girls years ago (20 years ago) but I would never go onto craigslist and talk to a live person especially while in a relationship. I consider that cheating and going too far. Is this relationship doomed? Am I stupid to believe him when he says it will never happen again? I love him so much and want to go through with this wedding and he seems remorseful and went to a couple counseling sessions with me. He talks to me about it when I tell him I need to talk about it. I want to believe him! I want to know this was a one time thing and that he wants only me!

Ifeelalone posted 8/25/2017 19:40 PM

Oh, how I can feel all of your confusion and pain. I've been exactly where you are, but married almost a decade and with three children. Life is so complicated and 1.5 years out I'm still floundering at times. FYI mine trolled CL too and constantly texted pictures with other men, he eventually met them too. These things snowball, first it's masturbating when they are little, maybe some childhood sex abuse, then its porn at a young age, then it's the facade of a girlfriend, then the urges become overwhelming and they need more deviant porn and escalating interactions. Ask him what kind of porn he was watching- you'll be shocked. He's probably video taped himself masturbating and there is a chance he sent these men pictures of you too.

This is the time where they shouldn't be straying (mine was the entire 5 years we dated- I just had no idea).

My husband is a sex addict, even though he had lots of men 4 men interactions he doesn't identify as gay or bisexual- it was a quick non- emotional release without strings attached- and other men are less likely to expose them and tell their friends, so it's lower risk- but does that matter? The intent was there.

I'm not going to tell you what to do, but life gets harder and the majority of new HIV infections are between men who have sex with men (that don't identify as "gay").

Imagine having beautiful children, now imagine having to tell them their dad got ax murdered in a hotel room by a stranger, or your divorcing because he's been meeting strange men, or he gives you HIV. Imagine he brings strangers to your house and your bed. Imagine having to go to every annual exam and ask for STD testing because you can't 100% trust your husband. This will be your life, it is very hard to move on from this kind of betrayal.

Also, they use lots of different apps and in website communications to arrange stuff and send pics. There is hardly ever a texting or phone record.

My thoughts are with you through this horrible experience.

HowIsThisReal posted 9/21/2017 16:18 PM

even though he had lots of men 4 men interactions he doesn't identify as gay or bisexual- it was a quick non- emotional release without strings attached- and other men are less likely to expose them and tell their friends, so it's lower risk- but does that matter?

This was my husband too.

We had been married for 13 years at that point, together for 15 and had 3 kids.

We are almost 2 years out and it has gotten easier, he's never looked back or fallen back into old ways, he has an app on his phone that lets me see everything, he willingly gave up pretty much ALL of his privacy, etc. but it's not the same and likely won't ever be the same as it once was when I was head over heels in love with him.

Dazed1979, you don't have to decide what to do right away, in the beginning I felt like I HAD to decide to stay or go, I was in limbo, but in reality you do what is easiest for you. Lay out what you expect from him, don't give in, and watch his actions.

HUGS and I wish you peace in making your decision.

BallofPain posted 9/29/2017 00:19 AM

Hey guys,

It feels like it's been a long time since I've been here. I have been having a course of some really bad days lately. It's been so exhausting. I know people here have warned me that I will always have my bad days. I just never realized they would hit me like this. I feel like I've been running or swimming then feeling so exhausted.

Dazed, if you're still there, I'm sorry about the late responses, but for now, hold off the wedding plans. It doesn't necessarily mean that you cancel them altogether. Watch him with objective eyes, yet trust your instincts. Only go through with your plans if you are 100% sure he is a safe partner for you.

sisoon posted 9/29/2017 12:16 PM

Hey, Ball, I call them 'funks'. All I can say is that my experience is that they tend to get fewer, shorter, less frequent, and more easily forgotten as time goes on.

Lovingmyselfmore posted 10/3/2017 13:59 PM

Dear BOP,

I'm so sorry that you are having hard times lately but you know that they are nothing compared to what you just survived.

We are survivors and nothing will ever be this though (or at least in this stage of my healing it seems so).

I am on the third year and finally feeling a lot more hope and more detached and witnessing what happened like it didn't happen to me.

I am suffering because I have a crush on a neighbour and he hits on me a lot but is A LOT younger than me

I makes me sad that I feel so attached to this boy (he's 21) But life is not always fair and I have to keep my distance with this man because the possibilities of a relationship between us working out are tiny.

I am sending you hugs today and please know that if I have this gorgeous kid hitting on me a lot (being 44 years old) you WILL have a lot of opportunities with gorgeous men in the future.

You can't see it from where you are right now.

I wouldn't have imagined this 6 months ago. I am surprised how younger men hit on me often

Lovingmyselfmore posted 10/3/2017 14:00 PM

((((Hugs to everyone today))))

madhattermarilyn posted 11/9/2017 16:43 PM

It sounds like I'm in the minority here: I would be LESS hurt if my H had cheated with men instead of women. More concerned about STDs if anal was involved? Somewhat. But I'm a very liberal person with homosexuality. I'm bi curious myself. I'd rather know that I wasn't his type of gender, than know that he just found other women to be more attractive or alluring than me.

My H is also somewhat bi but dislikes that trait of himself and chooses to not follow a bi or gay lifestyle. That might be why he acts all super masculine or even why he's cheated, looking at it now.

My H does not mind me being with other women in MILD ways. He claimed he was turned on when his female friend got hands with me at a club lol. However, I've definitely had exes who considered something like that cheating. One in particular was rather homophobic, likely because he was in the closet. I was definitely not the first gf he dumped due to him telling me it was cheating to fool around with another girl.

[This message edited by madhattermarilyn at 4:43 PM, November 9th (Thursday)]

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