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Spouses with Same Gender APs

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sisoon posted 4/2/2017 15:08 PM

I'm really sorry your H is such an idiot, cmego. I really hope he can develop empathy for his and your daughter, and I hope your daughter can find a way to accept him.

cmego posted 4/2/2017 18:06 PM


Me too. On both accounts. I"m just not sure either are going to happen.

Lovingmyselfmore posted 4/5/2017 13:40 PM

My relationship with my EX has deteriorated beyond repair...mostly because the reasons that led him to cheat were never addressed.

Cmego, I am sorry that this happened with your ex and that he is behaving so badly and I am sorry for your dd too, but she has a strong and VERY intelligent mother and she will be OK no matter what.

While I feel that EX should be authentic and this is not a choice for him, if other people choose to not be around him because of his sexuality...that should be OK. So, I'm stuck in the position of forcing her to go to visitation although she doesn't want to be there. It sucks.

sorry for this too (((((((((cmego)))))))))))

You have gone throught the worst nightmare. You are my inspiration.

countrydirt posted 4/10/2017 14:59 PM

I think my wife is thinking about reconnecting with her AP. Her behavior is starting to resemble what it was like a year ago before I discovered what was going on. Feeling a little discouraged.

Lovingmyselfmore posted 4/10/2017 21:20 PM


What a mind f**k!!

-journal and take notes of everything you see. Has she taken a shower? Is she late? Is she making excuses/taking more time on errands?

-is she hiding her cellphone?

Well you already know how this works. And you will have to make a decision if she is back at it again.

Sorry that you are going through this again we are here for you.

countrydirt posted 4/11/2017 13:16 PM

Yeah, I'm going to get back to journaling everything I am noticing. Yes, she is holding that cell phone pretty close and only leaves it around when she's had a chance to delete messages. I know that she is deleting them, because I can see the numbers on the phone bill and they are not matching up to the number of messages sent and received.

I expect we will have a confrontation in a few more days as I gather more evidence. It may be coming up on the end.

Lovingmyselfmore posted 4/11/2017 17:21 PM

Sorry CD,

Prepare yourself for the worst. It seems that there will be another dday very soon but you can preparare yourself emotionally so as to not be taken by surprise.

I am deeply sorry


countrydirt posted 4/11/2017 18:02 PM


Hurtandstuck posted 4/21/2017 13:46 PM

A little late to the war here but countrydirt good luck

countrydirt posted 4/30/2017 08:08 AM

Posted most of the story on JFO, but to recap - I confronted her on Friday with a simple statement along the lines of "I don't know if you are confused or trying to recapture the thrill of what you thought you had, but the flirting and hiding and sneaking just doesn't work for me. I'm done fighting for something you apparently don't want." Confrontation is too strong of a word for what happened. It was a simple statement of fact and me walking away.

After calling BS on her response of "I don't know why I am doing this," with a statement of "Of course you know why you are doing this. Because you want to," we had a pretty long and reasonable conversation. I asked her again if she was gay or bisexual and she revealed to me that she knew she wasn't because she watched a lesbian movie to see if it did anything for her and she feels nothing that way, never has and never will. I've chuckled for 2 days thinking about her trying find her gay side and discovering that it's simply not there.

My wife told me that the OW, who is a partnered lesbian, seems just as baffled about it as she is.

It was sort of amusing to me to watch my wife of nearly 30 years go through all the contortions of trying to cover her tracks. Having a sewing video on her computer and trying to type messenger reponses and keeping her elbows tucked way in to try and hide the fact that she was typing, frantically minimizing the screen when I walked into the room, feeling waves of fear coming from her when I sat at my desk behind her chair with my back to her, watching her have a twitch when the messenger sound came from her phone. I told her, if this is what you have to do, just get on with it so I can get on with my life.

There was no teary breakdown. I simply told that after 9 months of constantly saying "I can't live without you," I no longer believed that. I told her I won't live with someone who would continue to sneak around and try to have it both ways. I'm done trying to show her that I'm the best husband in the world, the best lover and most romantic person alive. I'm done being suspicious. She's either all in or all out with no middle ground. I told her that I am still willing to give her 100% of me for our marriage, but I will not accept anything less than 100% of her.

Lovingmyselfmore posted 5/1/2017 22:09 PM

Hi countrydirt,

Are you in IC?

Last time you posted that you felt a new dday coming and it seems that she is still hiding things from you.

Is she doing something to fight for the marriage?

It's scary to discover that your SO, the person you love the most in the whole world can be capable of doing something like this and the discovery creates a big trauma, that's why you need professional help if possible .. And she also needs help to determine if she is lesbian.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. Stay strong and ask yourself if this relationship is something that you want.

I wish there was a magic wand that could make all of this disappear but there isn't and this is very complicated because sometimes they are so deeply in the closet that they don't want/or can't admit it not even to themselves.

One of the reasons that I decided not to work towards R with my ex what the TERROR that I had of wasting more years with a gay man - believing that he was just bisexual- only to find out later down the road that in fact he was 100% gay.

The pain is unbearable... I can't imagine another dday 3,4 or 5 years down the road. I simply can't imagine such a huge pain.

That's why it's important to make the best decision for you sooner than later CD.

You don't deserve this. None of us.


countrydirt posted 5/2/2017 09:59 AM

She finally realized that I was done. She planned a "break-up" lunch with the OW and I knew that something else was hoped for. I was going out of town on Sunday morning. As I was carrying my bag out to the car and passing through the living room to grab my computer, I saw her Facebook chat pop up with a message from the OW on her computer showing me enough that they wanted to make out and see what happened next. This was after my wife swore that nothing would happen less than an hour before. I calmly went up to her and said, "I saw your message that you didn't have a chance to delete and I simply won't take it anymore. You continue to lie about what you are doing and everything you say to me is a lie. Do what you have to do. I'm doing what I have to do," and I walked out.

After I was gone for about 20 minutes, I realized that I hadn't told my sons goodbye, so I went back to the house and told them both that I would see them on Tuesday. She grabbed me and asked to talk. I said, "I've given you 100% of me to try and get through this. You've given me less. I'm done trying to fight for a marriage you are not committed to. I'm not sure if I can come back on Tuesday."

I had about 45 minutes before I actually needed to leave. So we talked. She said that if I left she would die, figuratively. I told her that I couldn't worry about that. I could only deal with my health, sanity and sobriety. I told her that the only option moving forward was a complete break from the OW. She got a look of real fear because I think she expected me to say that the only option was for us to split. I told her that I couldn't make her choose to cut off the affair, only she could make that decision and that I would do the things to protect MY future, not our future.

Then I had to leave for my trip and we parted on good terms. I told her we could talk on the phone later and that I would come home on Tuesday (today).

We had several phone conversations in the evening and many text messages back and forth. Yesterday, I sent her an article about flirting and affairs that explained the 2 options, stop the affair or divorce.
she sent me a text after 4:30 saying that we were no longer a threesome. She broke it off with the OW.

Now we can get on with reconciling. I'll still trust but verify, but feel like she is finally on board with doing what needs to be done to heal this marriage.

cmego posted 5/5/2017 14:37 PM

countrydirt...I'm glad to hear that she broke it off with the OW...but what proof do you have that she did?

This is a very long road ahead. You (and she) need to deal with her sexuality. You are going to go through many, many stages of trying to deal with not only infidelity, but her sexuality. Anger is going to come with grief and confusion.

Are you in IC? How are things now??

Northsider12 posted 5/18/2017 14:44 PM

I wish I'd had this place in 2002 when I discovered what my wife was up to.

But I didn't, just IC and MC.

We stayed together. Life is pretty good. I feel that our relationship has never been stronger.

But sometimes I still fear that one day she'll leave me for a woman.

Lovingmyselfmore posted 5/19/2017 15:35 PM


That fear that he may leave me for another man in the future was terrible. It was a nightmare.

I am glad that you and your wife are doing well.


HowIsThisReal posted 5/21/2017 20:00 PM

Northsider, glad to hear you and your wife are doing well. I wonder if that type of fear will ever totally go away.

I think even if I left and ended up with another man I would worry about the possibility of what could happen in the right situation.
My H still swears he isn't bi/homosexual, and I'm sick of trying to figure t out, he's dealing with that shit with his therapist and she also think not bi/gay, but then it's like "what you'd just fuck anyone that gave you drugs?".
I honestly don't think he cared anymore who he was fucking asn long as he got high and got off.

[This message edited by HowIsThisReal at 9:02 AM, May 22nd (Monday)]

shellofme posted 5/26/2017 21:57 PM

My 1st post in this forum. My FWH had 3 APs: 2 women, and 1 man. He had also had countless CL sexting, attempts at CL hookups, and texting and phone contact with women from his past.

He made plans to meet up with many men he claims he never went to meet in person. He even did a drive by 1 of them in the arranged meet spot. The worst for me is that the man he had a PA with lives very close to us. I saw him drive by the other day. At first I thought I handled it well; then I spent the rest of the day crying. This man has a good reputation in our community, and every time I hear his name come up I want to and scream. I don't want people in our town to know about my FWH's infidelities, especially with the man in our town. That would make moving necessary, and would destroy our already fragile child. It's a lot to hold in every day.

sisoon posted 5/27/2017 08:52 AM

Yes, it is. Are you sure your H told the truth? Are you sure you have to hold it in?

shellofme posted 5/27/2017 10:15 AM

Hi sisoon. Thanks for your reply. It's so helpful to have people who are further along in R respond. I'm having such a hard time. I'm not sure if I'll ever feel 'sure' of anything the way I did before DDay, but I'm as sure as I can be. I think my FWH has been honest with me since my 2nd DDay.

I hate that this man is perceived as a good guy. He knew my FWH was married, that we lived nearby, and that we have a child. I spoke with him myself. I told him how I felt about what he did, and he confirmed details my husband had told me.

I believe I have to keep the info to myself to protect our livelihood and our child. If I didn't have a child, and I didn't want to try R, I would feel very differently. Lucky for this man, I want to protect my child. Maybe that's why he felt 'safe' choosing my FWH.

HowIsThisReal posted 6/2/2017 22:11 PM

ShellOfMe I'm sorry you have to be here. It's like one last twist of the knife to find out about same gender infidelity. Not only do we have to process the infidelity itself, but then to throw this in too, it's hard.

[This message edited by HowIsThisReal at 8:57 PM, June 3rd (Saturday)]

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