Hey guys! An old timer popping in to say hello...
I've read some of the recent discussions and will tell you what my ex said during R.
Backstory: together for 17 years, married for 15. By the time ex was outed, he had been having (at least) several years of affairs. Most short term, anonymous, with one longer-term AP who knew he was married. At the time he said some of the same stuff: "I'm not gay. I'm not bi. I'm just me." "I didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I would." "I don't know why I did it". "I just wanted to see what the gay life was like" "I deserved to cheat because I needed to figure myself out. I'm not gay"
I had the first therapist tell me that she wasn't sure if he was bi or gay...but that he clearly loved me. EX wanted to work on the marriage and we did attempt R for about 6 months or more...then my anger phase hit and he couldn't handle it. Or, he went back to his old coping mechanism which was to contact the AP "to talk". When I found out they were in contact, I left the marriage. I didnt' have any chances left in me. My kids were 5 and 8 at the time and I no longer wanted to live in that world.
NOW...flash forward 7 years...ex is openly gay. We have never had a discussion about how he could have done what he did, or why he covered for so long, or when he realized he is gay. He isn't capable of being that open with me. The only thing he ever said during R was that he had been questioning himself early on, but met me, fell in love, and thought that meant he should be straight. He also said a lot of "I didnt' want to hurt you"
Does this mean your H is covering that he's really gay? Who the hell knows. Just because you're bi/gay doesn't mean you get to cheat. The issue for most of us is the cheating...not really the bi/gay question. Plenty of people are bi and stay in one sex monogamous relationships.
So...you deal with the infidelity first:
Is this person a safe partner for you?
Do you see the hard work going on to become a safe partner? (Attending IC, workbooks, reading, journaling, trustworthy)
Are they actively being open with you about their thoughts?
Do you know where they are at all times?
Do you see ANY suspicious behavior?
THIS^^^ will tell you more than anything else. My ex held it together for a few months...then slipped once the hard work really began. THAT is what I can tell you guys. Was it because he was really gay? I don't think so. I think what that R time showed me was that regardless of his sexuality...he wasn't a good partner and didn't have the strength to become one.
Flash forward: I did a lot of IC. I went to grad school. I have my kids 90% of the time. The kids relationship with ex is deteriorating. Ex is openly gay, but this partner is not someone the kids like....and exhibits signs of passive aggressiveness, and overall immaturity. Ex contents to be NPD, passive aggressive, and controlling. In other words...he hasn't changed.
I remarried a little over a year ago. there are still ghosts, but we work through them. He is a good, good, good man and I feel very lucky. I am very happy, and very happy to not be in my first marriage any longer. I am very happy I left. It was rough for a few years, but things settled down, I healed, and life and love found me again.
I can't tell you guys to stay or go. That choice is yours. The best advice I received early on from a therapist was to "have a plan B". So, I did. I waited and watched ex, and when he started showing signs he wasn't a good partner...then I exited. Have a plan B, decide what you want from a relationship and see if your partner can fulfill those needs.