But that’s exactly what I did. I hid and I hid. I consciously disconnected from all human contact, avoiding getting close to anyone and ultimately believing what I told by my hiding, and the constant rejections and abuse that followed me into adulthood.
I believed I was a monster.
I believed even if I wasn’t, I was too much of a coward to ever be with someone and not have it about rape.
So I acted on it. I just went and tried something to see if I could, and I found out I could, I wasn’t scared, and it’s ok.
I had made so much of this in my head for over 20 years, I just had to act already. And I get why my words are getting twisted around, but I’m glad. Even though I knew I was reacting to fear, the back and forth and emotions that it evoked helped me to realize something about my past that i didn’t see before, and the real WHY of what became of me and my sense of self and why I felt the need to just be in control of a sexual act. It all makes sense now, even if my method was risky and not healthy. I see that too.
I also see many people saying that this was a short term fix and that I am only seeking validation from outside sources. I get how that looks, and in part is true, but, I was acting from a place within me, searching for an answer about myself, and I got it. I’m ok. I’m not a monster and not some asexual child.
If I wasn’t married this task would be over and done, and while mrkate and I talked about separating for me to do so, it just wasn’t the right answer for us. And now we have to deal with that, because I needed to do this for myself, and I did it out in the open.
So now we heal from this, because it hurts. I don’t like that I did it, but I’m glad of the results I got for myself, but that’s not who I am. Those are not my core beliefs and although he knew about it and understands, it still hurts and we will have to go down this road. So for that, for the way i feel about, I will call it cheating. I will own it and say I did it because I felt I needed to, and mrkate agreed. So now we move forward, continue to heal the rest, and work on building that inner self more.
And I am putting this here because it wasn’t affair related. It was affair induced maybe, it healed that nagging part of me that wanted justice - though I don’t really view it that way, that’s my bruised ego still talking. The bruise has gone down, but it’s still there, obviously.
Anyway, thanks to all who got it and lended support. And thanks to all who challenged me. It gave me a deeper insight that I may not have gained.
And it made me realize that, even if the majority doesn’t agree, your opinion of me is yours, and that’s ok, and I am completely comfortable with that. For me that’s pretty huge!