Gently, hopefulkate, her power is ever only what you give her. And with the two words, "her power," you're giving her too much.
Agreed. Only, I don't exactly seem to do a good job of controlling this internally; but your point of vitcim mentality is certainly giving me a new way to look at this problem.
To me, anyway, a very pernicious phraseology develops in a BS. "I need <this> to heal," we say. We say it so meaningly and so meaningfully. We cry it to the heavens. We shout it at our spouses. It is the quintessence of hurt, a plaintive cry of, "What about _me_?!?"
More victim mentality. I am not sure how to deal with this exactly, given that I am currently rehashing some childhood stuff in a current environment. Meaning, I choose to take care of my mother and sister who are somewhat mentally challenged. I choose to do so as I value the reasons why you choose to help those unfortunate, and they are otherwise alone. However, it is not without its own set of FOO struggles that I am trying to untangle in my mind, while balancing my own family of five, and healing myself and supporting my MrKate. I think that some days, the victim mentality comes from a place of caregiver fatigue. Perhaps this is the time to recognize I have gone too long without self care?
Gently again, is <this> what we _need_ or is it just what we _want_? Wasn't it in Ecclesiastes, "vanity of vanities, what is vanity?"
Lol...I couldn't be more literal. Can you explain what this means? (F in poetry for sure!)
Stating, "I need <this> to heal," is the same as saying, "I will not heal without <this>." But, is that second a true statement?
Now, here we are at my favorite of topics - logic. So, I will twist this to say in this moment, I feel I do indeed need <this> to heal. And the second to read, I will heal without this of course, but R will likely not be part of it. So words implied for me are; I need this to STAY, not to HEAL. Thoughts?
What if your H can never, ever, get to the place where he can say "the words" to you? What if, tomorrow, he got a nasty head crack and simply loses parts of his past?
Gently, this is exactly what happened. Though instead of a physical jolt to the brain, it was an internal electric shock of sorts.
Would you leave? Are the words that important, really? Or is it all circumstances? If he truly had no recollection of what he did but came out of that accident oh-so-very committed to you would you say to him, "I cannot live with what went before and of which you have no recollection. I am gone."
This is my reality. However, I don't think it is my reality forever, and with all that I have read, there is no reason to think that my wants can not be met within this scope.
Or would you, in an act of grace and forgiveness to yourself, recognize that the past is simply that - the past - and go forward into a new future?
And if I can't....can I live with myself? It seems that I am in a rock and a hard place again. My desire to act justly and help those in need is very, very high. My pain to accept those things is also very, very high.
Is this a time thing? OR, is this simply a deal breaker. Am I a horrible person for not being able to handle this? OR, is THIS the lethal plane of flatness?
I have no intention of going anywhere during this 5 year time frame. And who knows, at year 5 if things are better, then that changes to year 7. And so on, and so on...
Right now, I am recognizing that I am not accepting of the past events - not fully - and not accepting some of the lack of progress I was seeing.
HOWEVER, since I first came back to vent about this, YouMeI has started journaling. That is such a powerful tool. I have more patience left, but I am also starkly aware that it is a finite value. So when my anxiety ramps up...I post post post!
Full honesty here - I now have come to pity xWGF and AP. They are what they are and I choose to let that not have too much power over my future.
That is great to hear! I assume I will be there one day in full. I have had many moments of that feeling - my insecurities and self hate/doubt allow me to give her power she doesn't deserve. Left side right side brain fights over here.
hopefulkate, AP is a poor, hateful, creature much like Gollum
Let her go. Rather, let yourself forgive yourself enough to let her go. It is okay to do that. You don't have to hate and invest emotion in her.
I suppose forgiving myself for staying is part of this, isn't it? I do so badly want justice (not always, just recently it has cropped back up), and I am certain it is related to my current life stresses and past FOO. Just need to work more on that basement stuff I think...
And if YouMeI can never, ever say the words that you need to hear, well, how close does he get? Does he understand even if he can't really verbalize? Would it help you to write down what you need to hear, give it to him to think about for a week and an IC visit, and then come to you and say them?
I think this is part of my problem. I read and process really quickly. It is just how I am wired. Once he confessed to the A, and then the day or so after to his abuse, it wasn't long before I was able to connect the two. I can remember sitting in our old house and asking him questions about the A, and then quietly putting this out there, "did the A feel at all like the abuse?"
He looked up at me with wide eyes and shouted (in a whisper, as we never yelled when the kids were home-nearly) "YES! OH MY GOD YES!" And then cried for a long, long time.
As time went on and I learned, I was the one explaining to him about the effect of abuse on the brain, how reenactments occur, WHY they occur, helping him to link his past to her actions/words/looks - including her house and the way it was kept.
It has been me leading the witness all along...and my brain wonders (even though there is no WAY that I am wrong here given he is truly ALL of the textbooks in every way so there is no wiggle room for doubt about it)....he has just been repeating what others have said.
He has yet to OWN what happened in a self narrative. He has yet to tell his story.
And not telling your story is the same as ignoring it, to an extent.
And ignoring it is how we got here in the first place.
So the big question, will I stay if he can't do this?
No. No I won't.
And I will hate myself for that too.