In case this piece gets missed - I posted this story in the R forum. My break from SI was good and needed, and I will do it again. I don't know what that means timeline wise, but I need to put boundaries on my time spent on this task.
Anyway, I think the teen had the A on purpose as an intentional way to say, "Hey, I am as bad as I say I am!" The self harm piece that we know well, but looked at (by me in this moment) from a different angle. The teen has VERY intense reactions when someone says that he is not bad. Desires of violence cross his mind (I am NOT at ALL concerned he would act-he talks through them as the adult is there too now most of the time.)
Anyway...I like this revelation. I don't know if it is true yet. I posed it to MrKate who will sit with it and take it to IC. Teens are an interesting group. Blame is hard to own. Deflecting comes second nature, and listening to grown ups is like climbing mt everest. At least, a teen with MrKate's past. (Oh, and any other teen I have ever met ever.)
Anyway, this is what I posted.
HE WANTED TO.
Wha???!!! But...but...you have have claimed the whole time that he didn't?!
I know. Because it didn't make sense. But here's the thing: He - and I mean the older teen part - was determined to show the world that he was bad. Hence the piece of self harm. The OBS proclaimed MrKate his bestie in like weeks. He spoke very highly of him to him and in the group setting. It was incredibly PAINFUL for MrKate. To this day he has so much anger towards the OBS. Which is...ridiculous isn't even the word here. UNTIL...we remember that compliments that do not align up with our own sense of self feel like lies. He believed(s) that the OBS was constantly lying to him. He would even say this as their friendship grew.
He was also choosing suicide to stop the abuse memories that popped up. Well, this will help Kate not want me anyway! This will prove to her once and for all that I am all the things I say I am.
....but....I wonder at the extent of the intent, because while I do believe the older teen wanted to prove his "bad" (aka ball of shame from abuse which is his only known identity), I am unsure of his want of an actual full blown affair, because as things spiral QUICKLY out of control, and the younger versions of himself start to come out and take over out of coding for abuse, the story takes a sad, sad turn. One of fear, self hate, and internal blame games. The older teen is-was FURIOUS at the child for doing that acts. But like all teens, when there is self to blame, it is much safer to deflect and claim victim.
It is interesting for sure. The story is still not completely unwound, and for sure, it is certainly all not just ONE why. It's a whole ball of pain that make this tale.
Oh well...for some reason, this revelation, in this moment, helps me feel loved. I'm pretty messed up too, so I can totally relate to, "I will push you away to save you from me", mentality. Love. Not the right word, but perhaps the term, unhealthy love, is fitting.
Looking forward to both giving and receiving *healthy* love as we grow!
Ok, signing off again shortly.
Oh! More fun...I got to talk to the younger teen the other night. I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up. He said, "mechanic, but my dad is always yelling at me to not be one."
I said, "thats because he thinks it is a hard life and wants better for you, but doesn't know what better really is."
He said, "so, he's not all bad?"
Me, "No, they're not all bad." (Important word choice on my part there I think.)
"What did I become?"
"Yeah. And your dad was really proud of you."
This morning I told adult MrKate this story. He said, "I hate that you know more about me than I do." Half joking, half serious.
So I said, "So integrate already! I'm just here trying to get my Mario on and you're all...super 'fascinatingly conversating' me over here." [technical term ]