SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I would love to connect with others who are viewing their experience with infidelity/betrayal from a Buddhist belief structure.

Are there any books you have found helpful thus far?

I am shopping on Kindle, and I did find a book called "Fidelity" by Thich Nhat Hanh (one of my favorite teachers) regarding long term relationships and healing from infidelity. Haven't read it yet, but will post after reading to let everyone know how it is.

My IC recommended stuff by Tara Brach (I randomly lucked out and got a Buddhist therapist, although we hit a wall in our progress and I had to stop going).

Here's a pretty highly acclaimed book she wrote:

"True Refuge," which is available on Amazon.

[This message edited by Noosa at 8:14 AM, August 28th (Friday)]

Although neither of us are Buddhist, BF13 and I have been listening to/reading a lot of Pema Chodron. Even though the books we have been reading do not focus specifically on infidelity, they have been an enormous help in addressing issues that have impacted both of our lives, and more specifically, the issues that ultimately led BF13 to choose to have an A.

I am shopping on Kindle, and I did find a book called "Fidelity" by Thich Nhat Hanh (one of my favorite teachers) regarding long term relationships and healing from infidelity. Haven't read it yet, but will post after reading to let everyone know how it is.

Can't wait to hear your thoughts on this book.

onlytime, I actually finished it yesterday. I can't say enough good things about it. I posted a few really excellent quotes in another thread (it's quite a few replies down):

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=568572

While I think understanding some basic concepts of Buddhism would make it an easier read, he explains in lay terms well and the book is easily applicable from a secular view.

I especially enjoy the end where he goes over his suggestions for clearing the air about frustrations using kind speech, and the importance of changing your "unskillful" behaviors.

I believe this book should be required reading for anyone seeking out or joining a long term partnership. It's that good. So glad I downloaded it!

[This message edited by Noosa at 9:09 AM, August 28th (Friday)]

Noosa:

Thank you so much for your feedback on the book. I will definitely be looking into getting it on my next book order

I was disappointed. This:

"roots of anger can be found in my wrong perceptions and lack of understanding of the suffering in myself and the other person."

Really? If I'm angry I'm thinking of something the wrong way? What about the Holocaust? Any betrayal? IF I understood it I wouldn't be angry? How is that possible? Anger is a stage of grief.

Also, we should love everyone? um.. no. We don't have to harbor angry thoughts about them but I'm not loving everyone.

rachelc,

Had you read this previously? Are you a practicing Buddhist? Do you have other recommendations for books that you feel are more appropriate specifically to Infidelity?

I do think that this particular book is a great roadmap to healthy relationships, and discusses some key healing strategies. From your quote,

I was disappointed. This:

"roots of anger can be found in my wrong perceptions and lack of understanding of the suffering in myself and the other person."

Really? If I'm angry I'm thinking of something the wrong way? What about the Holocaust? Any betrayal? IF I understood it I wouldn't be angry? How is that possible? Anger is a stage of grief.

I believe that what he is getting at is that the suffering in yourself at face value is because another person betrayed you. But why is that so upsetting? It is upsetting because we have assumptions and expectations about another person's behavior; it is upsetting because of our desire - we wish (rightly or wrongly) to have some "ownership" over this other person. We expect them to be a source of our happiness externally and thus we cling to them. We have fear of losing them. We are attached to them, and the ideas that they represent to us.

"Fear distorts our lives and makes us miserable. We cling to objects and people, like a drowning person clinging to a floating log. By practicing nonattachment and sharing this wisdom with others, we give the gift of non-fear. Everything is impermanent. This moment passes. That person walks away. Happiness is still possible." ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

When we look deeply at the situation, many other things can be revealed about this attachment, perhaps formative events in our childhood that have caused us to behave a certain way. Perhaps our most important need in our hearts is to be free of suffering. It is possible that the betrayal of this person is magnified by previous betrayals. The suffering, often, was already there and the person who betrays you boils it back up to the surface.

Things like interconnectedness and non-duality are also at play, although he doesn't discuss them at length in this book.

Our emotions are just that, emotions. We are so much bigger than our emotions, and Buddhist mindfulness practice helps to see things clearly without being posessed by emotion and compulsive thought. Our anger comes and goes like a season, and we welcome it back each time knowing it for what it is. We are AWARE. And as we are aware of it, we can understand it and allow it to exist only in the present moment, to pass, and not persist.

I hope this helps to interpret it...

Had you read this previously?

I must have. I found it on my kindle and I purchased it in 2013

Are you a practicing Buddhist?

no. it baffles me and I probably shouldn't be on this thread as I'm not. I get that.

Your quotes on attachment? My husband and I promised each other things on our wedding day. We were attached to those promises as measures put in place so we would feel safe in the relationship. Perhaps we shouldnt have. But we did. We counted on each other fulfilling those promises. We both expected fidelity. When that didn't happen, our attachment fears came full bore. However, we signed up for that.

Do you have other recommendations for books that you feel are more appropriate specifically to Infidelity?

I think the books that deal with the organic process of healing have helped me the most - books on grief, specific infidelity books where a focus is on how a person feels after being betrayed and how long it takes to heal. I was angry for a long time. And then I wasn't. There certainly was no decision made nor did I let it pass through. Anger fueled my energy in recovering and healing, to a point. And then it had served its purpose and was gone.

The quote from someone here on SI that has had the most meaning to me is "trust the process' and that has proved to be true.

I LOVE "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron. She went through an infidelity before adopting Buddhism, and she correlates it at times.

Edited To Add: I am more a Buddhism admirer than follower... and I only say that because I don't have the discipline to study it enough to give it the full respect that it deserves.

I appreciate that you started this thread, Noosa, and I would hope that anyone who responds does so in the nature of positive contributions.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:43 AM, August 29th (Saturday)]

I am very interested in religion as a subject, but I have no religious affiliations and eschew religion entirely. Having said that, I do like the tenants of Buddhist philosophy, but I struggle with many of them (letting go of attachments particularly.)

The philosophy of non-attachment is both soothing and empowering. It truly has helped me heal from the trauma and release my constant incessant need for controlling the outcome. The practice of compassion and compassionate listening also helps me ..

I now want to look up these books .. thanks for the share!

rachelc,

There will be no political statements or discussions, and no religious debates.

The philosophy of non-attachment is both soothing and empowering.

I totally agree with this. I think that for some, maybe codependents especially, the idea of non-attachment is REALLY scary at first. I know it is/was, for me, but I feel so much truth in it when I get to the other side.

"Storms Can't Hurt the Sky (A Buddhist Path Through Divorce)" by Gabriel Cohen

"Healing Through the Dark Emotions (The Wisdom of grief, fear, and despair)" by Miriam Greenspan

"All the Rage (Buddhist Wisdom on Anger and Acceptance" edited by Andrea Miller

forgot to add: anything by Pema Chodron. She gets it, totally.

Reading When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron now. I'm about halfway through and you are so right, she really does "get it." I think that this book would also be immensely helpful for my WF to read. Thanks for the recommendation. A few excerpts I found especially helpful:

If we commit ourselves to staying right where we are, then our experience becomes very vivid. Things become very clear when there is nowhere to escape.

The trick is to keep exploring and not bail out, even when we find out that something is not what we thought. That's what we're going to discover again and again and again. Nothing is what we thought.

I used to have a sign pinned up on my wall that read: "Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us."

When we think that something is going to bring us pleasure, we don't know what's really going to happen. When we think something is going to give us misery, we don't know. Letting there be room for not knowing is the most important thing of all. We try to do what we think is going to help. But we don't know. We never know if we are going to fall flat or sit up tall. When there's a big disappointment, we don't know if that's the end of the story. It may just be the beginning of a great adventure.

We don't sit in meditation to become good meditators. We sit in meditation so that we'll be more awake in our lives.

In a nontheistic state of mind, abandoning hope is an affirmation, the beginning of the beginning. You could even put "Abandon hope" on your refrigerator door instead of more conventional aspirations like "Every day in every way I'm getting better and better."

We like to ensure that everything will come out in our favor. But when we really look, we're going to see that we have no control over what occurs at all. We have all kinds of mood swings and emotional rationalizations. They just come and go endlessly.

Loneliness is not a problem. Loneliness is nothing to be solved.

[This message edited by Noosa at 2:03 PM, September 8th (Tuesday)]

"Storms Can't Hurt the Sky (A Buddhist Path Through Divorce)" by Gabriel Cohen

I'm not a Buddhist, nor am I trying to practice Buddhism. But I found this book thread because I read the above book and found it very helpful.

I can understand how truly finding the feeling of non-attachment and showing compassion (even when you are shown the opposite) can really allow oneself to move beyond the trauma and to live life with less emotional burdens. Of course, it's all easier said than done. But I guess that's why Buddhism is a _practice_ in addition to a philosophy/belief system.

However, I have at least been able to approach my personal feelings of resentment, anger, what-ifs, worry, etc. with a level of mindfulness and detachment that have let me move beyond them (at least in the moment) and to let me reconsider my circumstances and the actions of others in a less self-centered way.

But at any rate, it was a good read!

Thanks for the recommendation! I'm going to add it to my list of stuff to read.

Noosa

I am a practising Buddhist (from the west) and generally there are a lot of books and excellent self guides that could help you. You can download also a lot of guided meditations and Dharma talks from the internet. Specifically, you'll find a lot of useful material by Tara Brack and Mark Epstein on trauma (in general). As to Tara Brack you can find all of her meditation and Dharma Talks both on her personal website as well as in youtube for free download

You can download from youtube an excellent Dharma talk and guided meditation on forgiveness by Jack Kornfield, in relation to trauma read "trauma in every day life" by Mark Epstein" and "radical Acceptance" by Tara Brack. Tara has also a lot of guided meditation to down load on healing from trauma. There is is alot more but I lack your Background in Buddhist practice to give you more readings.

[This message edited by ImGoneByTheDown at 3:46 PM, November 24th (Tuesday)]

Other good books and self guides are:

1. "Full catastroph living"

2. "Coming to our senses"

by John Kabatt Zin

Some more good book are:

1. "When things fall apart"

2. "The places that scare you"

3. "Start where you are"

By Pema Chodron

[This message edited by ImGoneByTheDown at 3:47 PM, November 24th (Tuesday)]