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kaylor ( member #47193) posted at 5:17 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2015
You're a good man doing a nice thing, doesn't matter who it's for.
give her the fudge.
nekorb ( member #40306) posted at 5:36 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2015
Walloped!
You sound good, buddy. Maybe a little mentally refreshed, even.
Give WW the fudge in the spirit in which it was purchased. Maybe think of it as the teensy tiniest piece of an olive branch you are holding out to test the waters.
My guess is that it's just fudge, but it's going to feel like a 10 carat diamond to her.
Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 M - 22 Years
D-day: 7/2013; D filed 7/2014; Divorced 7-27-16
...the WS affair starts off in a dreamland where everything is all Golly, Wow! and Meant To Be! and Soul Mates drop from the trees to frolic in the mist. -devotedman
Walloped (original poster member #48852) posted at 5:50 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2015
Okay, okay. I'll give her the fudge!
See? If I learned one thing from this place (besides abbreviations to things I really wish I never had to learn), it's how to take good advice.
I'm going to see her when I pick up the kids. I really want to ask about NC while I was gone (am going to check phone records and key logger program beforehand), but I'm going to hold off until the weekend. I don't want every single conversation I have with her to be about POS. And I really don't want to dredge it all up tonight - I'll have enough of that at IC later. I just want to spend a nice evening with the kids. Tell them about my trip. Show them pictures. You know.
Me: BH 47
Her: WW 46
DDay 8/3/15
"Every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant.” - The Doctor
Walloped (original poster member #48852) posted at 5:57 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2015
nekorb,
Yeah, it was a good trip and did me a world of good. I didn't need meds for sleeping - could've been all the hiking and the Arizona heat, but slept well, and no work stress to boot really helped.
She obviously intruded on my thoughts a bunch of times, but I kind of looked at that as my new normal. That no matter what happens, I'm going to have to learn how to deal with thoughts of her affair intruding at the weirdest and worst times. Whether we're together or not. Right now though, I'm not dealing with it so well, but at least I realized that I'm going to have to.
Sigh...add it to my IC list...
Me: BH 47
Her: WW 46
DDay 8/3/15
"Every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant.” - The Doctor
tbkjcn ( member #44744) posted at 6:19 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2015
I'll give her the fudge!
Just days before D-Day I ordered a gift for my wife off Amazon. It wasn't big, or terribly expensive, or romantic, but it was practical and I thought she'd like it, so I ordered it. Well, it came a couple days after the holiday weekend, after D-Day. I could have sent it back with no questions from Amazon, and she'd never know I ordered it. I could have kept it for myself (it was an electronic item) and she'd never know I had ordered it for her. Or I could have given it to her.
I gave it to her. I had bought it for her, with her in mind. It didn't change the thought behind it. After she told me she wasn't coming home and wanted to D, she offered to send it back to me. I told her I had bought it for her, because at the time I ordered it, I was thinking of her, she should keep it.
Me: BH 49 (then)
Her: WW 48 (then)
D-Day 8-30-14 3 yr LTA and 1 ONS (9-1-14 the rest of the story, she can't remember how many men)
Divorce filed 1/14/15, final 4/7/15
Married 23 years together 28
mike7 ( member #38603) posted at 6:55 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2015
i understand the desire to ask about NC. but she should be volunteering any information. You shouldn't have to ask. I think it's good that you trust her to be honest, but if she's remorseful, you shouldn't have to spy on her. She should tell you any time a message or contact comes from the POS. And, she shouldn't engage with him at all, not even to call him names or tell him to beat it. She should always contact you directly first and ask you how you want to handle it.
now... if nothing has happened, then there is nothing for her to volunteer. Maybe after another week goes by you could ask. Just to be certain. If something happened, and she didn't volunteer it, I don't think that's a good sign.
BH 60
WW 58
Two grown kids
DDay 1/15/2013
eric1 ( member #47762) posted at 6:55 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2015
Great call on the fudge W. It doesn't fucking matter if she likes it, hates it or confuses her.
You bought it because you're a good dude and you're going to remain a good dude, even if that means moving on, reconciling or sitting on the back porch pulling your pud.
CanoeVA ( member #46071) posted at 7:46 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2015
She obviously intruded on my thoughts a bunch of times, but I kind of looked at that as my new normal. That no matter what happens, I'm going to have to learn how to deal with thoughts of her affair intruding at the weirdest and worst times.
I'm not a military guy, but I think they call this "embracing the suck". Think I saw that in a movie. Embrace the suck. Yes, this is your new normal. Welcome to the club. You are still brand new to this, relatively speaking. Yeah. It is going to pop up in your mind. It does for me all the freaking time. It isn't as harrowing as it used to be.
[This message edited by CanoeVA at 1:47 PM, September 3rd (Thursday)]
Me = BH
fWW- 2014 affair most of year; EA Feb/March became PA April until DDay
Married 1986
DDay- 12/08/14
2 adult children, mid 20s
OM = Wife's best friend's brother
We're both working on R
toomanyregrets ( member #37740) posted at 9:02 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2015
I'm going to have to learn how to deal with thoughts of her affair intruding at the weirdest and worst times.
It's been over 27 years since my d-day and I still get triggers every once in a while.
I just don't let them take over my life.
BH - 66 - Retired
fWW - 62
"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife
"Regret is when you realize you broke your own heart.
Remorse is when you realize you broke someone else's." - Bla
happyman64 ( member #33212) posted at 9:15 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2015
walloped
Glad you had a great time and came back rested.
Give her the chocolate.
And let her know there is a short story to go with that but you will not tell her the story until you think your wife is the one listening.
HM
california111 ( member #48976) posted at 10:05 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2015
Am I the only craving fudge right now???
I love that you got her the fudge. I love that you are giving her the fudge. Be prepared for an emotional response. I am crying about the frigging fudge and I don't even know you!
wantthistostop ( member #48922) posted at 5:59 AM on Friday, September 4th, 2015
Hey,
Just saw you are back! The trip sounds like it was awesome with a few OH SHIT moments (to be expected)! Bet it was great to see your kids and catch up, I'm sure they missed you as much as you missed them!
Oh fudge! Yes, you should give it to her, not for any reason other than why you bought it in the first place! Don't stop being true to who you are, which is an apparently thoughtful man!
She obviously intruded on my thoughts a bunch of times, but I kind of looked at that as my new normal. That no matter what happens
You have a lifetime and huge repertoire of memories to draw upon but right now your brain is still processing in a cognitive loop since D Date although there has been a significant change in status quo, your head and heart are still in transition from former status quo to assimilating new normal! Someone said (and I'm sorry I can't say who because I lack the needed tech saavy to navigate backwards in the thread pages and keep this damn post open! Doh!)
embrace the suck
I guess the idea is the same, although I prefer to reference it as acceptance of the fact there is a new normal and now the next part is figuring out what that new normal will look like for you!
Whatever happens going forward, at least you have reckoned with the fact its never going to be the same! Sad on the one hand, but open with endless possibility in front of you on the other.
I was also thinking about your description of the hike breathtaking beauty of the Sunset and how you cried because that should have been a shared experience with WW! Yes that sucks and is hard to get your head around! (they have no exorcist emoji down there where your head spins around so I picked this one 
)
All I can say is crying (and I have done more in the last 30 days than I probably have in my entire life combined!) provides a release of unspent emotion, its gotta come out sooner or later...at least you are experiencing it and feeling it and moving through the pain, rather than living in the numb fog following the shock (for an extended period)!
To be honest I would be more worried if you didn't cry! Embracing the fact that you are human and suffer all the slings and arrows of human frailty demonstrates self-awareness and acknowledgement! The alternative...limbo on one end and sociopathy/psychopathy on the other!
You have shown great alacrity and perseverance to move through the maze, and whether you believe it or not, you have made further progress and growth! All good! 
Really glad to see you back, ready to at least acknowledge there will be a new normal. I have no doubt your next item on your list will be figuring out what new normal means in your personal context!
OK got to find some fudge or chocolate now, my sweet tooth is now beckoning! So is my pillow. Good night
Oh yeah, and what I should have started with.....Welcome back!
(((Walloped)))
BGF: Me 51 D 2002 DS 21 and DD 20
XWBF: 50
D day: August 9, 2015
Taking it one day at a time!
Walloped (original poster member #48852) posted at 3:07 PM on Friday, September 4th, 2015
So I gave her the fudge.
I really can’t believe I’m writing about fudge. I went to the house to pick up the kids at around 6:00. Thank God the front door was open. I wouldn’t have known what to do. Just walk in? Ring the doorbell? It’s MY home! But I felt weird. Anyway, my 8 year old son was waiting at the door and as soon as he saw me through the screen door coming up the walk he started doing his “Daddy’s here!” happy dance. He’s a cutie.
Anyway, I walked in and the other kids came running. It was really nice to see them. Of course the boys asked what I bought them (wooden rubber band guns and slingshots for the boys, Grand Canyon sweatshirts and caps for the girls), and then my wife came over. She had done herself up. Nothing major, but not like she was cleaning around the house all day or doing laundry. Nice, but not too nice. She told me I got color. I said, yeah, well, Arizona. She said I looked good. Was nervous when she said it, like maybe it wasn’t okay for her to say. So I simply said thanks, so do you. She wanted to know if I had a good time. So I said it was pretty amazing. Brad was Brad. Fun, relaxing, and beautiful. She just nodded. I told her I got her something and said there was this amazing little mom and pop store in Sedona with the best fudge ever and I thought she’d love it. And I gave it to her. She took it very hesitantly. She didn’t look at me, she had her head down looking at the bag of fudge. She whispered thank you. It looked like she wanted to say more but when she picked her head up there were streaks of tears down her cheeks. She mumbled I’m sorry and didn’t quite run out of the room, but turned around and left. I asked my oldest to go check on her and she told me my wife would be back out in a minute. She came back – sans makeup – must’ve washed her face. Apologized for crying and asked if we could possibly get together over the weekend to talk. I told her I didn’t think it was a good idea. That the idea of me staying at my brother’s was to clear my head and while my trip was great, I think it would be counterproductive to do that now. I proposed next weekend as this will give me 2 more IC sessions and 4 more for her. She nodded and accepted and said thanks. And that was it. The tension was so thick. It was so awkward. I still don’t know what to make of it. My therapist basically said that by giving her the fudge I showed her I’m still thinking of her, I sent a message that I don’t totally hate her, I opened a door for her to come back in, and I showed her the kind of person I am and the contrast with how she’s likely feeling about herself is very stark. He’s probably right.
Anyway, dinner was awesome. It was really nice to chill with the kids. And they were great. We never were one of those quite families. We’re loud and proud. We laugh. A lot. And we did all of that. Even me.
Besides the discussion of fudge, I had an interesting session at IC. One of the things my therapist had assigned me as homework at my last session was to write a list of things I'm feeling. Anything that comes to mind about me, her, the affair, the family, which I did on the plane rides. So we reviewed the list and he split it into things I can do vs things for her to do vs things to discuss at MC if/when we get there. Lots of “I feel” statements. But the ones we are focusing on are primarily how I feel abouit myself (less of a man, I wasn’t enough for her, scared, angry, conflicted, emasculated, love her, hate her, hate that I love her, disregarded, etc.). He's saying all the right things. I just don't know if I'm internalizing them.
I still haven't figured out how to handle the holiday weekend. We usually have a family BBQ. We obviously won't be hosting. My brother said he'll take his lead from me. If I want to, he'll host and my family can come along and he'd invite my wife's sister and her family too. Or, we don't have to. I don't know if I'm up for this. To have everyone there and my wife and I not really hanging out together, or pretending to, and everyone not talking about the one thing everyone is thinking about? Sounds like torture. But the kids look forward to these things and school is starting soon. Any thoughts?
Me: BH 47
Her: WW 46
DDay 8/3/15
"Every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant.” - The Doctor
setecastronomy ( member #14398) posted at 3:34 PM on Friday, September 4th, 2015
One of the things my therapist had assigned me as homework at my last session was to write a list of things I'm feeling. Anything that comes to mind about me, her, the affair, the family, which I did on the plane rides. So we reviewed the list and he split it into things I can do vs things for her to do vs things to discuss at MC if/when we get there. Lots of “I feel” statements. But the ones we are focusing on are primarily how I feel abouit myself (less of a man, I wasn’t enough for her, scared, angry, conflicted, emasculated, love her, hate her, hate that I love her, disregarded, etc.). He's saying all the right things. I just don't know if I'm internalizing them.
Speaking as one coming up on the ten-year mark in reconciliation post-WW, I believe your IC is giving you exactly what you need.
And that's good. Now... you know what you need to do with what the IC is saying, right?
Walloped (original poster member #48852) posted at 3:38 PM on Friday, September 4th, 2015
Now... you know what you need to do with what the IC is saying, right?
Beyond internalizing them or believing them?
Ummm...no?
Me: BH 47
Her: WW 46
DDay 8/3/15
"Every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant.” - The Doctor
setecastronomy ( member #14398) posted at 3:40 PM on Friday, September 4th, 2015
Beyond internalizing them or believing them?
Nope. Nailed it in one. Good on you!
eric1 ( member #47762) posted at 3:46 PM on Friday, September 4th, 2015
I am happy to see that #FudgeGate ended positively.
With that said, I do not believe that a family gathering is the right move to make. The family dinner was.
You are working on a problem between the family now and you need to focus on that before inviting external variables into play. Keep it simple dude.
While your kids assuredly enjoy stuff like that, there are other things that can be done that they would enjoy just as much. You are healing, as they say in the physical world "If it feels uncomfortable then you're doing something wrong". Now is not the time to be pushing the boundaries on your comfort zone.
WornDown ( member #37977) posted at 3:52 PM on Friday, September 4th, 2015
My guess is that it's just fudge, but it's going to feel like a 10 carat diamond to her.
nekorb nailed it.
Me: BH (50); exW (49): Way too many guys to count. Three kids (D, D, S, all >20)Together 25 years, married 18; Divorced (July 2015)
I divorced a narc. Separate everything. NC as much as humanly possible and absolutely no phone calls. - Ch
Walloped (original poster member #48852) posted at 3:54 PM on Friday, September 4th, 2015
Nope. Nailed it in one. Good on you!
Much, much easier said than done. I hear it all. I nod. But I don't believe it. Not truly. I analyze everything and my head goes through the whole rebuttal thing, and I say to him, "Well of course you're going to say that, that's right out of the therapist's handbook or something. It can't be true, cause if it was true, then why would she..." And then I go on. I know intellectually it's not true, but internally I go through this loop of thinking.
Me: BH 47
Her: WW 46
DDay 8/3/15
"Every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant.” - The Doctor
setecastronomy ( member #14398) posted at 4:04 PM on Friday, September 4th, 2015
"...It can't be true, cause if it was true, then why would she..."
...because she has nothing to do with the truth.
Took me a while to get that, too. And it still pops up once in a while, only to be immediately squashed by taking the rose-colored glasses off and looking at the situation again through lenses of emotional detachment.
You'll get there. You're on the right track. You're doing everything that I should have done early on.
Also keep in mind that getting you and the kids into a happy place is the goal. Whether or not she comes with you is entirely secondary, and from the sounds of things - totally irrelevant at this time.
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