SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Walloped, thanks for the update.

Good luck. Keep posting.

Well with me there may have been a bit of projecting:

Her friend who had an affair – I really don’t get where you guys are coming from on this at all. She said her husband had found out and they’re not doing well. I don’t know if it was a recent affair or some time ago. I didn’t ask. None of her friends ever encouraged my wife to have an affair, and they don’t know about hers. Why should she betray her friend’s confidence? I would actually think less of her if she did. I believe she should be transparent about things that affect us. This does not affect us, if anything, seeing what her friend is dealing with should be helpful. But it is not my businesses who had an affair. Do I start asking her to gossip about anyone now in the name of transparency and if she declines, as she should, I should accuse her of withholding information? I just don’t get this.

That being said my wife had these toxic friends for a long time before her affair and I knew they were like this but didn't figure it would effect my wife well that was stupid on my part.

IDK it just triggered me.

I missed the part that her wayward friend husband knew.

and her being a little defiant about (in my mind) protecting a cheater just did not set well.

Is your wife reading this site?

Does that have to be a curse?

Keep in mind that this site was founded by a couple – a WS and a BS – that both actively contribute.

Keep in mind that there are important and respected mods like Wifehad5 that have their BS/WS spouse posting too.

Where would you be in dealing with this situation if you didn’t have SI? OK – I agree that you have been handed a lot of advice I wouldn’t consider “good” but there have been lots and lots of gold-nuggets in there as well. What’s unique about the advice is that we have all been there.

How about your wife? What resource does SHE have to look for help to? Isn’t she alone with her thoughts – at best with resources that can only imagine what’s going on? She doesn’t have those that have been there… Wouldn’t it benefit her and her recovery to have access to a resource that guides?

One of the bravest forums here on SI is the Wayward forum. It’s closely guarded and maintained by our fantastic mods. The pain in there is humongous but so is the love, hard guidance and help – MAINLY from former WS that have transitioned into the tremendous people they are.

I have occasionally posted there but we BS really don’t have the experiences needed to do a good job on that forum.

I think that MAYBE – especially if you are thinking she might be reading here – then consider directing her to this site. Only if you do then you BOTH set ground-rules:

She sticks to HER thread in Wayward, reads General and the other forums but stays AWAY from JFO.

You do the same, only stay away from Wayward.

Then – at the right time – you both post on Reconciliation.

It’s been done before with success. Yes she will be tempted to peak as you will be tempted to read her thread, but it’s up to you two to stick to the rules.

Finally – IMHO some of the advice offered has been top-notch and extremely interesting. I would like to point out 2 posts especially – on page 40 by longtime sucker and RealityBlows. IMHO they are both on to something that will be really relevant to your situation. RB is reaching the two year mark and it sounds like his marriage won’t survive. But he sounds content about that because he has done the work, taken the steps. Try R and one possible conclusion is that you both realize the M isn’t what you want. That’s OK because if that is the case then you are both content with the decision.

I feel compelled to echo Masushi.

Her statement that she has one friend that has been unfaithful in her marriage and that she would not divulge the identity of said friend to you is bothersome. Now is not the time to be withholding any information from you. It's simply not her decision to choose what is pertinent information for you to sift through. This , to me, brings focus onto what is there to hide in that regard.

I have seen too many times where this type of behavior spreads like a contagion among a group of "friends". It's an unfortunate cliche.

Walloped, you can see I've mostly sat back and not offered advice lately, so much as just support and hopes of your self-survival & rebuilding.

But now is not the time for her to withhold stuff like that. Friends like that are toxic as shit. And friends like that lent "normalcy" to infidelity as your wife compartmentalized.

The entirety of Masushi's post is dead-on. The matter isn't priority # 1 at the moment. But you should revisit that. (I, too, missed the part that the husband knew...)but still:

1- bad friends

2- now is not the time to withhold

3- not her decision to make re: what is pertinent for you.

This ain't gossip, W.

And again, I think MrsW is being remorseful in the true SI approved manner.

She chose to be selfish. She felt entitled.

I agree with everything in your rant..except the above quote.

Because that one IS true. It is true of all cheaters. She DID choose to be selfish, and obviously, somewhere inside her, she did feel entitled.

I hope she has found SI on her own. That would show she is being proactive.

I'm going to echo what W said about playing nice with his WW. I think early on getting a little down and dirty is a necessary tact that is taken here, as a habitual problem is BSes putting their waywards on pedastals.

W's wife has been knocked off the pedastal and is now laying in the mud, and the birds have taken big poops on it.

------------------------

With that said W, I did want to preface this by saying that. The "preparation" thing was more of a discussion about her compartmentalization. I truly do think what they were getting at is it wasn't this thing where she would wake up, be Wife and then jump in the car, disrobe and automatically snap into Girlfriend Mode.

I'm respectfully suggesting that you approach the subject of her compartmentalization with your IC. In my opinion the sex mind movies are fucking horrible, but they will be NOTHING compared to the emotional mind movies that they evolve into (if they haven't already).

The anal sex prepaprtion thing really was about the time she is/was spending on her affair when she was at home, apparently in "Wife Mode"

"What was going through her mind when she was shopping for his cufflinks" is really something that you're going to have to approach with some professional guidance. That is (again, in my opinion) beyond our pay grade. Everyone handles this question differently, and I presume this site will give you tons of different perspective.

We have gone well beyond the stage where all of your steps are templated. You are in uncharted territory. You will make mistakes. We are here to support you, and will no matter what you do. We are not here to make your decisions for you.

I do not say this to trigger you, I really, really, really just want to get these questions on the table for you so that you can create your linear and prioritized list of "shit to emotionally handle".

YOU WILL NEED HELP WITH THIS QUESTION. YOU WILL MURDER YOUR OWN BRAIN ON THIS ONE. THIS HAPPENS TO LITERALLY EVERY BS WHOSE SPOUSE "FELL IN LOVE". THIS WILL GET WORSE. YOU WANT TO GET IN FRONT OF IT NOW.

But anger, and bashing, and complete insensitivity? I just don’t understand why you’d subject someone to that. End of rant.

I have seen both sides here - the forgive everything the WS has done to you to kick WS to the curb for a one day EA. Everyone has to decide what they can live with, or can't. I even had a PM from a BH telling me to never trust my WH again, once a cheater always a cheater, etc.

I think a lot of this comes from hurt. You are dealing with people that have been hurt at least once, some many times. I tend to lean towards giving a person a second chance, we all make poor choices at some point in our lives, I am soft on all this. Others gave that second chance, and maybe more, and got hurt again and again.

I hope you have fun away and don't dwell on all this too much.

How about your wife? What resource does SHE have to look for help to?

Yup, as much as Walloped says he's floundering even though he has all of us to advise him, imagine being Mrs. W. Assuming that her intentions are 100% good, what does she have to go on to know what to do? Lying worked pretty good for the last 3-4 months, kind of natural to fall back on instincts.

She does not know how to reconcile. Nothing has prepared her for this.

It's kind of like the emotional/relational version of a suffering a serious orthopedic injury and learning to walk again. Going to be a lot of mistakes made. Key is to give them access to the necessary information (books, IC, etc.) monitor for intentions and truthfulness, and provide continual feedback for the inevitable slips, also known as teachable moments. If she proves not genuine or incapable, toss her to the curb. But recognize she'll be flailing too.

It's a very messy process recovering from this for even the best intentioned couples. My wife and I made it all up as we went along. No IC, no nothing. But fortunately our intentions were good. This can be done.

My wife has been here, on the wayward side.

I don't see that at all as being the disaster many here do. I've got nothing to hide.

She's free to read anything I write at all. Why wouldn't she be?

And Walloped there is absolutely nothing wrong with getting off SI for a few days or weeks to enjoy your vacation.

I think you really need it.

Don't worry. I'm sure your thread will be up to page 100 without any posts from you!

Get some rest, drink a few beers and enjoy the views with your buddy.

HM

Yup, as much as Walloped says he's floundering even though he has all of us to advise him, imagine being Mrs. W. Assuming that her intentions are 100% good, what does she have to go on to know what to do? Lying worked pretty good for the last 3-4 months, kind of natural to fall back on instincts.

She does not know how to reconcile. Nothing has prepared her for this.

Mrs. W can happen upon this site, just like any other remorseful WS. There are over 40,000 members who found this site somehow, because they were looking for a way to survive infidelity.

The resources are out there...they just have to be sought out.

similar history of affair.

SpaceGhost0007

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=552588&AP=1&HL=

inoyushi

Not that similar.

SpaceGhost was dead set from the beginning that if his wife cheated on him he would divorce her.

SG never ever deviated from his path. He knew what was best for him.

His family had been broken up due to infidelity on his mothers part earlier on in his adolescent life.

His wife knew the consequences, had an affair anyway, never fessed up, knew the consequences and was delivered a knockout punch to their marriage.

Some people can reconcile after infidelity. SOme people cannot.

Some people know right from the beginning if they can/want to R or D and others need time to make a decision.

So IMHO these stories are not that similar.

HM

PS

His wife loved him. The affair in her view was for the thrill. How sad is that.

[This message edited by happyman64 at 3:25 PM, August 27th (Thursday)]

W about your last post although most people mean well sometimes it can be a little thoughtless or go a bit overboard.

if thats the case and it becomes an addition to the stress you've already got to deal with it's sometimes best to cut back on he time you spend on S/I.

Have a good trip I hope it helps

.

Hi, just checking in.

To pick up on trusteddg's thought

I think a lot of this comes from hurt. You are dealing with people that have been hurt at least once, some many times

We are all living wounded and hurt, to one degree or other, some are in the ER phase, PTSD phase (for lack of a better term)Numbness; Some choose to stay in the pain, some feel intense anger. All of it understandable, we are sharing the common bond of having to survive infidelity!!! And we are more or less helping each other cope through this wicked maze!

I read so many posts in here, that made me want to YAK, and its not even my life. I can only imagine how Walloped must have felt when he read those? Shit he even admits how typing certain things makes him feel or how hard it was or how long it takes him. This goes back to a post I made a day or two ago about Cow pies!! We don't need to have our faces rubbed in the shit, to know its shit! We are living it, daily!!!

Even though its anonymous in here, Walloped is a living breathing human who is reaching out in his time of need! I don't want to sing kubaya right now, but we should have our arms outstretched to offer him haven from the pain and suffering to the extent possible.

Since mind movies are an inevitable consequence of an A. Should we be the ones to load them up for Walloped to replay? FUCK NO! He's going to have enough trouble dealing with them! Lets talk about coping strategies to learn to hit the stop button, when the MM start or to fast forward them, so they don't last as long. (ie the rubber band....although that's a little too masochistic, if your wrist gets red and irritated!!) I get the idea behind it, the momentary sting of the elastic is supposed to get you to SNAP OUT OF IT!

We have all been disrespected by our W. Let's be UBER respectful of B brothers and sisters who are in searing pain. Personally, I found the journal available in our SI profile helps considerably for venting on my personal situation. It also allows for you to use that to deal with IC, if you are going, and shows your progression (assuming you have progression!)

And (((Walloped))) I can't imagine how hard it was for you to have to leave and go to your BIL and sleep in a strange place! I hope you did sleep! Arizona beckons!

All the best,

Want this to stop

I actually was happy when my W started reading on SI. And I know most of it was reading what I posted. And the reason I was happy is that --- and if you want to call me weak or soft, you are correct on this specific subject --- I found that I was able to more fully and completely express myself in writing here than I could when we were talking. I have thought about that a lot over the years. I think my problem was that I loved her so much, even at the times I also felt hatred towards her or disgust, that I couldn't stand to see the pain in her face that my thoughts, my words would surely inflict. I have never had the slightest qualm at tearing apart a hostile witness, but I just had a lot of trouble doing it to her. So a lot never got said and stayed inside for way too long. SI became the outlet to express everything and, when she started reading my posts, I was fine with it.

I thought I was in the Menz forum. Didn't mean to further enlarge Wallop's thread. Sorry.

But that is my experience and every person has their own needs. It is understandable that some people don't want their innermost thoughts read by the spouse so they can vent freely and seek advice that is for them only.

By now I am way past the "getting it out " stage and just trying to help when I think I have something to add.

[This message edited by 1985 at 5:38 PM, August 27th (Thursday)]

I kinda came off as whiny before - sorry - in a mood.

I didn't take your post as whiney. Far from it. And frankly, I think you're allowed to be in a mood. That's why I was happy you were going to be taking a little time to go find yourself. I think you need it. A week or two or whatever of "guy time" and getting away from stress for a few days might just be helpful.

Enjoy your time.

but rather symptoms of her trying to find her way and not wholly succeeding. Doesn't mean I should tolerate lies or specific "cheater" behaviours, but I can be forgiving about mistakes.

I like your attitude. I think you have more than a chance of coming out of this in one piece, no matter what direction it takes you.

Rambler - btw, much better

Hope you get some rest, W. There's been much discussion about your wife's last lie and confession. I'll share my experience. WS and I see a nationally known sex addict and infidelity therapist. His speciality is celebrities. He knows his shit. At the first appt, he talked w me alone for 10 minutes. He told me that almost all new waywards fuck up one more time and to prepare myself. I didn't share this info with WS until several weeks later in an ugly fight. He as upset because he felt like why bother if no one believes he can really change anyway. Then he fucked up again the next month. And I told him that we knew he would. He panicked and it was a real turning point for him. Suddenly he realized that he couldn't even trust himself and that he was still following the cheater rule book and was 100% predictable. And he realized that I wasn't fucking around any more. And things started to change. I think waywards are still operating in a "I'm smarter than they are" manner after they first get caught. Then they get caught fucking up again and the game is over. Just my two cents.

Oh and WS isn't a sex addict (after 3 assessments). But we just clicked with this guy and he had a rare opening.

[This message edited by Alaska77 at 5:57 PM, August 27th (Thursday)]